Crufts sketch

So a hospital trip and an operation have meant my blog posts have somewhat fallen to the wayside. I'm now trying to catch up so here is the first of March's posts - both of which are a nod to/inspired by Bob Newhart's famous monologue skits.

Hello? Kennel Club? Mr Cruft. What can I do for you today? You- you say you’ve got a brilliant new idea for us? Uh-huh. And what is that?... A dog show. Not- not to sound harsh, Mr Cruft, but er…that’s not exactly a new idea…No. You see, there are several types of dog show that already exist. You know – like the ones for herding, hunting, guarding… Yes. So what- what exactly will the dogs in your show be required to do?...Absolutely nothing. And- and you think that’ll draw a crowd, do you? …Ev- everybody loves a dog. Well, I suppose that’s er… that’s mostly true, Mr Cruft. So what will the entrants be judged on?... Whether they look like a dog. Er… are you… are you planning to allow cats to enter or something?... Then why wouldn’t they look like dogs, Mr Cruft?...It depends which dog looks most like a dog. And how do we determine that, Mr Cruft?... Did- did you say you’ve drawn a picture? You- you’ve drawn a picture of a dog. And the winner of the competition will be the dog that looks most like your picture. Have- have you heard of a thing called breeds, Mr Cruft?... Oh, you have. So do you have different pictures for different breeds or…? That’s not necessary. Are you sure about that? I have to say, I had no idea you were also an artist as well, Mr Cruft so.... You’re not. I see. Er… in that case, can I just ask – this… er… this dog you’ve drawn – does- does it have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 4 legs and a tail?... Well- well, that’s a start I suppose. Yeah. So… so all that has to happen is the dog has to look like a dog?... That you’ve drawn, yeah – I got that. Well, I guess it could help to encourage owners to take good care of their dogs. Ensure safe, healthy breeding to safeguard future generations of… Why are you laughing, Mr Cruft? That’s not the point. Kind of feels like it should be, Mr Cruft. Yeah. It’s all about the money? What money, Mr Cruft?...Oh, there’s an entry fee. I see. Well, I have to admit that… er… that is a good point. Yeah. So are you planning… is there a big prize for the winner? Not really. So what- er- what’s the motivation, Mr Cruft?... Prestige. Yeah, well I- I guess, I guess there is that… And- and because then it’ll be a pedigree. And pedigrees sell for more. Well, er, that- that may be true, Mr Cruft, but uh don’t- don’t you reckon people will also want their dogs to be healthy too? I mean if we’re encouraging inbreeding in order to win this… You don’t think so. Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, Mr Cruft. Yeah. Er… listen, Mr Cruft – I have to admit I’m kind of worried. I mean, don’t- don’t you think we might get into trouble with the RSPCA?... It’s not like the dogs are fighting each other. Well, that’s true, I guess. But I imagine the owners might end up…er… Can- can I just ask, er, Mr Cruft, er, how did you get into this? I mean,er, what- what made you think of it?...It makes a change from… did- did you say chickens, Mr Cruft? What the hell have chickens got to do with it?... Oh, that’s your background. So how did you get into dogs then, Mr Cruft? Did you- <laughs> did you not like the pay? <laughs> What was it? Chicken feed? <laughs> No – I’m sorry, Mr Cruft. I’m sorry. Well, if- if you think this show of yours is a flyer then you go right ahead and set it up…Yeah. And- er- and if you get any flack from it, just remember – the buck stops with you. What?... Dog then, fine. Goodbye.

Humphrey Dumpty sketch - Mercorabilia

Supposedly a number of our traditional nursery rhymes have a basis in history. So what would happen if the 'origin' for one of our most famous rhymes decided to question its author...

Secretary: Mr. Anon? Your 1.30 is here.

Mr Anon: Thank you. Send him in.

Mr. Dumpty: Are you Mr. Anon?

Mr Anon: Yes, that’s me – Amos Anon – nursery rhymes writer extraordinaire. And who might you be?

Mr. Dumpty: My name’s Dumpty. Humphrey Dumpty.

Mr Anon: I see. And what can I do for you, Mr. Dumpty?

Mr. Dumpty: Well, Mr. Anon. it’s about a recent publication of yours that just happened to include a little anecdote about my life story.

Mr Anon: Really? I can’t think why. I thought you’d be thrilled to be included in my little book.

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, well – I have few points I’d like to raise.

Mr Anon: And what might those be?

Mr. Dumpty: Firstly – you spelt my name wrong. It’s Humphrey – not Humpty.

Mr Anon: Well, that’s poetic licence – Humpty Dumpty sounds better – it rhymes, you see.

Mr. Dumpty: Secondly, I’ve yet to see any royalties from this book.

Mr Anon: Ah, yes. That’s all down to the politics. We’re still waiting to hear how sales are doing. As soon as we’re in profit I’ll be sure to send you a cheque.

Mr. Dumpty: What’s that? It looks like a solid gold pen.

Mr Anon: No it’s just a very shiny yellow one. Anything else?

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, actually. Thirdly – and this is the most crucial point – thirdly – I am not an egg.

Mr Anon: That one’s not down to me. Our art department getting a little imaginative.

Mr. Dumpty: Well, it’s not very clever. I’m sick of people making comments like ‘The yolk’s on you’ whenever I fall off a wall.It’s not funny!

Mr Anon: (trying not to laugh) I’m sorry. No – you’re right, it’s not.

Mr. Dumpty: I mean it’s not my fault if I fall off a wall – I have an inner ear problem.

Mr Anon: I see.

Mr. Dumpty: The least you could do is pay my medical bills. Going private’s not cheap, you know. Have you any idea how much it costs to have the king’s physicians – the king’s men – tending to you?

Mr Anon: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Mr. Dumpty: Just count yourself lucky the horses didn’t get involved because it could have got even more pricier. As it was they were absolutely no use at pulling the ambulance. It’s lucky I’m alive at all.

Mr Anon: Yes, isn’t it.

Mr. Dumpty: And I know it’s not the first time you’ve caused trouble with your writing.

Mr Anon: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Mr. Dumpty: You got Little Boy Blue the sack! Going on about him sleeping on the job. And then publishing it! The minute his boss saw that he was out on his ear.

Mr Anon: Well, he shouldn’t have been so careless, should he? Anyway, he did all right for himself – I heard he got a gig at the local nightclub as their resident bugler.

Mr. Dumpty: That’s beside the point.

Mr Anon: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Dumpty. I’ll get on to it right away.

Mr. Dumpty: See that you do.

Mr. Anon: I will. I certainly wouldn’t want to have egg on my face.

Tongue on Trial sketch - Mercorabilia

And another new sketch! This is pure fantasy investing anthropomorphic qualities in teeth and a tongue to imagine what goes on behind the scenes in a human head and what would happen if one of them got a bit carried away...

<Mumblings and sounds of 'rhubarb' followed by gavel-esque sound which could also be said to sound like a clamping or chomping sound>
Teeth: Mr. Tongue – you are charged with insubordination, neglect of duty and attempted abandonment of post. How do you plead?
Tongue: Not guilty. I don't what all this is about. I reckon you’re all ganging up on me – just because I look different. Just because I'm able to move around a bit…
Teeth: Silence! We will deal with the charges one by one. Firstly – the charge of insubordination.
Tongue: What do you mean by insubordination?
Teeth: While in conversation with another, you came out with several profanities and swear words which caused considerable distress to those around.
Tongue: Well, I was bored. I thought I’d see if anyone was paying attention.
Teeth: Second – the charge of neglect of duty.
Tongue: What’s that mean?
Teeth: That what was in the brain and was intended to be said is not what came out of the mouth. 
Tongue: Oh, that was because I wasn’t paying attention. 
Teeth: What do you mean – you weren't paying attention? What were you doing?
Tongue: I was thinking about how interesting it all looked outside the mouth.
Teeth: Ah, now, this is where we come on to our final point - the charge of attempted abandonment of your post.
Tongue: It’s just it all looks so interesting out there. Haven’t you ever wondered what pavement tastes like?
Teeth: No, of course not. We’re teeth - we don’t taste, we chew - that is our job. And your job is to facilitate speech and digestion. That is your task and nothing else.
Tongue: You can’t stop me.
Teeth: If you attempt to escape again we will clamp down on you with the full force we are able to bear.
Tongue: Rubbish! You can’t stop me. I’m going for it - here I go!
Teeth: Hey! We warned you!
John: Ow! 
Fred: What’s the matter, John?
John: I just bit my tongue.
Fred: That’s a silly thing to do.
John: I didn’t do in purpose!
Fred: Well, who else did it then? It’s not like someone made you do it, is it? 
John: Hmm, I wonder...

The Old Ways Are The Best Sketch - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today and this one, in case you can't guess, is inspired by the truly terrible Tudor medicine that folks in the olden days had to endure.

<Bing>

Receptionist: Mr Smith? The doctor will see you now.

Mr Smith: Oh, thank you.

<Door opens and closes>

Mr Smith Hello.

Doctor: Ah, hello. Do come in. Take a seat. Now what seems to be the problem?

Mr Smith: Well – I seem to be suffering from a bit of gout. It’s getting quite painful.

Doctor: I see – well I think you’re in luck – I’ve got just the thing for that. It’s a mixture of worms, pig’s marrow and herbs all boiled together with a red-haired dog.

Mr Smith: Sounds a bit old-fashioned.

Doctor: Well you know what they say – the old ways are the best.

<Door opens and closes>

Doctor: Ah. Hello! What can I do for you?

RSPCA man: Dr DeVille? We’re from the RSPCA. We’ve had reports of animal cruelty at this surgery.

Doctor: Really? Well I can’t understand that.

RSPCA man: What sort of remedies do you provide here?

Doctor: Oh, we very much focus on the traditional remedies here. You know ones that have been around for centuries. Tried and tested stuff.

RSPCA man: Oh well (cough) that sounds all right (cough). We’ll leave you to it.

Doctor: Hang on. You sound like you’ve got a bit of a cough there. I’ve got just the thing to sort that. Here we are - live spiders in butter.

RSPCA man: Right – that’s it. You’re coming with us.
Doctor: Ah I see a non-believer, eh?

Sapphire City Sequel sketch - Mercorabilia

I will admit that this sketch is a bit cheeky as it's written as a direct follow-on to a sketch that John Finnemore wrote for his Souvenir programme. I don't know if it has an official name but I've always referred to it as the Sapphire City sketch and it is hilariously funny - hence the desire to continue it. 
So if you ever stumble across this, Mr. Finnemore, I would just like to say - very sorry, huge fan.

Guard A: Stop it! He can see how many doors there are, you idiots! Now he knows you two both lie at least sometimes so I must always tell the truth.
Traveller 1: Oh, really? Which door leads to the city?
Guard A: Oh, bloody hell, that one.
Traveller 1: Thanks.
Guard A: No! Wait! Not that one!
<Sound of a tiger roaring and gunshots>
Traveller 1: Ahhhhh!
Guard A: Hmm – so I told the truth and they still picked the wrong door. 
Guard B: No – they must have known exactly which door you were pointing to.
Guard A: That’s never happened before.
Guard B: Yes – yes it has - that’s always happened before.
Guard A: I wonder if it would happen again.
Guard B: I seriously doubt it and don’t think you should.
Guard A: Alright I will.
<Fanfare>
Guard A: Halt traveller. In your quest to reach the Sapphire City you must now pass this test. Before you are two doors – behind one lies the path you seek. Behind the other a tiger with a gun. In front of each door is a guard – one always lies, one always tells the truth. But to aid you in your quest I can tell you that I always speak the truth.
Traveller 2: Which door is it?
Guard A: One of those.
Traveller 2: Could you be a little more specific?
Guard A: (disappointed pause) Yes, I could
Traveller 2: Oh, then will you?
Guard A: (happier) No, I won’t
Traveller 2: Oh. Hello, what do you do?
Guard B: I’m like him I always tell the truth.
Guard A: No, she doesn’t - she always lies.
Traveller 2: Oh, in that case – is this the door that leads to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: (after a pause) …Maybe.
Traveller 2: Ok – if I asked him which door leads to the City what would he say?
Guard B: (with a sigh) He’d say this one.
Traveller 2: Thanks very much.
<Sound of door opening and closing>
Guard A: Hmm. Well, that didn’t work.
Guard B: Yes, it did. It worked brilliantly and I think you should do it again.
Guard A: Yeah – maybe it should go back to how it was before.
Traveller 3: Hello.
Guard A: Ah, halt traveller….
Traveller 3: Ah yes – I’ve seen this before. Which door would he say is the way to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: This one.
Traveller 3: Thanks.
Guard A: Then again…

(You may have noticed that the third guard who was causing all the problems in the original sketch has mysteriously disappeared. Maybe they did him in, maybe he was a figment of their imagination, maybe he's just wandered off, or maybe for convenience sake he just didn't fit into the sketch sequel - we shall never know)

Name of the Game sketch - Mercorabilia

A brand new sketch today - first of 2015 - hope you enjoy it!

Sergeant: Many of you will never have faced anything like this and the course we must take will not be easy. First you must traverse the bending bridge to reach the airlift that is waiting for you on the either side. You will then be taken round to the second bridge – the walls of which will seem to part as you cross. You will then traverse the rickety platform which will lead you to the geysers which will project you into the air until you make your way into the maze. Once through you will be picked up and taken around to the catapult for your final assault on the summit known as 'The Bell'. Some of you may not return but that's the name of the game and the name of the game is 'Screwball Scramble'.

Soldier A: Sir - if it's so dangerous why are we doing it?

Sergeant: Ours not to reason why – ours but to go and try. Anyone else?

Soldier B: Why can't the marbles do it?

Sergeant: (laughing) The marbles? They're too busy with their overgrown hamster run. Besides they're too big – they'd get stuck. No, it is left to us - we few, we happy few, we balls of bearing – for those who succeed today must keep their bearing. Ready? Then – go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

<Rattling and some cries as they fall off before an eventual ding>

Sergeant: Well done, soldier – you made it. How do you feel?

Soldier A: I'm sorry sir – I can't hear you – I've got this strange ringing in my ears.

Speech-wrecker (Part 7) - Mercorabilia

Continuing the twist on my speech-wrecker theme - this time with the sodium pentothal being administered to Mel Gibson's infamous Scottish rebel.

 

William Wallace: I am William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here because they couldn’t think of anything else to do on a Sunday afternoon. You've come to fight as free men... and dead men you are. What will you do with your freedom? Will you fight?

Veteran: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.

William Wallace: Aye, fight and you will die. Run, and you'll live... which personally sounds like the better option. And dying in your beds, many years from now, won’t you be grateful not to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for having the sense, the common sense, to run away from here as fast as you could to tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... US!

King John's Laundry sketch - Mercorabilia

Today's entry is the third and (for the time being at least) last of my King John sketches. It's a parody of the infamous incident that occurred at the end of his reign when he was attempting to cross a certain estuary between Norfolk and Lincolnshire.

John: I’d like to make a complaint

Manager: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. What’s happened?

John: I appear to have lost some valuables in the wash.

Manager: Oh dear. I’m sorry about that, sir. What valuables were these?

John: The crown jewels.

Manager: (after a pause) Sorry, sir?

John: The crown jewels. You see I was on my way from Bishop’s Lynn to Spalding and I thought I’d stop off en route and give the jewels a bit of good scrub – the crown was looking a bit dilapidated and the orb appeared to have a few nasty marks on it – and what with the price of cleaners these days I thought I’ll save time and bung em in the wash. Only now I appear to have lost them all.

Manager: I see. Well I’m afraid, sir, that I can’t help you.

John: What? What do you mean you can’t help? Do you know who I am?

Manager: Yes, sir. But I’m afraid the rules apply to all patrons.

John: What rules?

Manager: Over there, sir. Above the detergent dispenser. The management accepts no responsibility for any consequential, special, indirect, incidental, or punitive loss or damages. All items placed in the wash are done so at the owner’s own risk.

John: Oh.

Manager: Sorry but what can you do? Politics.

John: Tell me about it.

Mutiny of the Barony (The Sequel) sketch - Mercorabilia

The other sketch was just crying out for a continuation - so here it is:

John: Hello – who are you?

Louis: I’m the king.

John: You can’t be – I’m the king.

Louis: Oh – I rather thought I was.

John: No – I’m definitely the king. Look - I’ve got a crown and everything.

<Door opens>

Baron: Ah, King Louis. I trust everything is to your satisfaction.

John: You mean you’re behind this?

Baron: Of course. We considered getting you to sign another charter after your little spat but then decided what we needed instead was a brand new king. And so we found one.

John: But…but you can’t do this! It’s completely unconstitutional.

Baron: Not according to the constitution you signed at Runnymede, mate. Just look at this bit here.

John: (mumbling as he reads) Well that seems fairly comprehensive. It appears there’s only one thing I can do to stop your diabolical scheme.

Baron: What’s that?

John: This.

<Drops down dead>

Louis: I say - that’s rather clever.

Baron: What do you mean?

Louis: Well the English people aren’t going to want me on the throne, are they? Not when they’ve got a brand new king in the shape of John’s little son, Henry, to take the throne. And it must be a pretty good situation for you barons as well, won’t it? After all Henry’s only 9 – he’s going to need a Protector.

Baron: Good point –  ready my horse. Are you going to be alright getting back to France?

Louis: Oh yes – I’ll be fine.

Baron: Good. Don’t come back, will you

Mutiny of the Barony sketch - Mercorabilia

The inspiration for this sketch came from a documentary I saw on the Plantagenet kings and was originally much longer and wordier. Trouble was it was a bit too waffly so I cut it down to make the best lines stand out and make a shorter, sharper sketch. Enjoy!

Baron: Come on, John. You’ve spent five minutes looking at the same sentence.

John: King John to you. And it’s rather a great charter you’ve given me to sign.

Baron: Oh, come off it – don’t you know? No-one ever reads the Terms and Conditions.

John: Well – you should know by now that I am not no-one. I am King of England, Duke of Normandy, Lord of Ireland and Earl of Mortain.

Baron: Yes, well, once you’ve signed this document things’ll be a little bit more fairer.

John: Hmm. There are a lot of words here.

Baron: Oh you don’t need to worry about those! What it basically boils down to is your typical workshare arrangement whereby you, John Plantagenet, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part, agree with us, the Barons, hereinafter referred to as the party of the second part, to devolve the regulation of any and all actions and directives pertaining to the freedoms and liberties of persons of the general populace – i.e. us – and that any attempt to negate said regulation will be to the detriment of the chattels, possessions and general stuff of the party of the first part.

John: Oh, I see. Well that seems fair enough.

Baron: So if you’d just like to put your seal at the bottom.

<Thump as stamp hits the table>

Baron: Thank you, your majesty. Pleasure doing business with you.

John: And you. If you’ll excuse me I’ll just dash off a quick note to my friend, Pope Innocent.

Baron: What? But that’s a clear contravention of the treaty you’ve just signed.

John: Yes, but you didn’t expect me to take that seriously, did you? Plus I had my fingers crossed.

Baron: Right – that does it. This means war.

John: If you say so.

Baron: I do. And may the best man win.

John: I intend to.

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 6) - Mercorabilia

A slight twist on the speech-wrecker theme today and instead a look at some classic speeches and how they would have played out if the orator had been given a dose of sodium pentothal.

This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will have beaten the odds of several 100-1 when this day is over,
And be bloody petrified at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly bore his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is the day of Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “That’s what you get for following the King to France.”
Old men forget; and we’ll all be forgot,
But we’ll remember, if we survive,
What failures we were that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the best King ever, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Tallbot, Salisbury and that bloke beginning with G
Be in their flowing cups badly rememb’red.
(With) This story shall the good man scare his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
Cos this day is probably our last in this world,
But we in it shall hopefully be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; even though you’re all so vile,
This day shall terminate his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves bloody lucky they were not here,
And hold their manhoods which is more than we’ll be able to do
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 5) - Mercorabilia

Time for another speech-wrecker sketch - this one focuses on Henry V's speech from the eponymous Shakespeare play perhaps as it would have been viewed by a certain Monty Python tourist.

Henry V:
This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Crispian’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.
Soldier:
Yeah – except they will actually be able to hold their manhoods rather than having left them and their lifeless corpses on the battlefield. Seriously – is anyone buying this? This bloke’s ignored us for most of our lives and now because of some spat involving the French king sending him a batch of new tennis balls he wants us to go and kill a load of Frenchmen who haven’t ever done anything to us. The guy killed one of his best friends because he stole a trinket from a church – ok he shouldn’t have done it but seriously? Hanging? And how do we know he won’t do the same to us? Or even pay us? I note that in his list of names he doesn’t include anyone without a knighthood – shows how much we mean to him, doesn’t it? Brothers? Yeah right – so long as he doesn’t have to touch us. If by some miracle we survive, do you think we’ll ever see our ‘brother’ again? Of course not. All we’ll see is his taxman. He’s basically giving us two options – death or taxes – what a nice king he is!

You seriously think the survivors will be proud to have fought on a saint’s day? And not just bloody relieved they didn’t get killed like most of us are going to do. You’re sure it’s not nightmares and the psychological trauma of seeing our best friends hacked down to pieces in front of us that we’ll be remembering instead of some noble and glorious victory which frankly is looking about as likely as it raining herrings. Or being forever haunted by the fact that we spilled blood on a saint’s day – how on earth can that be a good thing?

You think people will regret not being here? You honestly think they’ll be lamenting not facing several thousand heavily armoured soldiers in a muddy field in France when they could be safe at home a-bed?And you reckon we’ll be lauded as heroes rather than murderous nutters – following a king as deluded /stark staring bonkers as the French one? If you’ve got a problem with him – sort it out yourselves – don’t drag us into this. You want the french king’s daughter? Fine – you have her. What’s it got to do with us?

And stand tiptoe? We’ll be lucky if we can bloody stand! That’s if we still have both our legs after this after that lot have finished with us – who by the way outnumber us by at least 5-1! Why on earth are we doing here? We must be mental? I mean what’s he ever done for us? Band of brothers? We’ll be burned and buggered more like! He wouldn’t lay his cloak down in the mud for one of us to cross over it and he thinks we’re going to lay down our lives for him? Yeah right! What is he on? Personally I’m all for saying stuff this for a game of soldiers and turning round and going right back where we came from – who’s with me?...

So the battle’s over, huh? Well …um…good game, everyone. Good game. I’m just off to go safe home, you know see old age, have a…have a yearly feast on the vigil with my neighbours, teach my son with this story from this day to the ending of the world. Don’t get up. Bye.

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 4) - Mercorabilia

Time for another speech-wrecker sketch - this one focuses on Leonidas' speech from '300'.
 
Leonidas: No retreat, no surrender. That is Spartan law. And by Spartan law, we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun: an age of freedom! And all will know that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!

Soldier: Will we? You reckon 300 soldiers are willing to die for something that doesn’t even exist yet? Don’t you think that’s a bit of a big ask? Also, if you don’t mind me saying so, it’s a bit of daft law – no retreat, no surrender. I mean what if everyone followed it? You’d never get any peace. If every time a disagreement occurred like two people colliding because they both wanted the go the same way and neither side retreated they’d die of starvation in the street.And what’s with the Braveheart bit? I mean come on – the whole ‘FREEEDOOOOOMMMM’ quote’s been done to death.

Leonidas: Kill him.

Soldier:  ‘Ulp

Invention sketch 2 - Mercorabilia

Another invention sketch today by the remarkable Professor Useless...er...Eustace:

Interviewer: And I’m here today with Professor…Eustace who tells that he’s designed and built a brand new flytrap device. Professor Eustace – over to you.

Professor: Thank you. You see, this is how it works:

When this fly lands on the mat, it triggers the pressure pad which sets off the alarm clock here, you see, which is attached to this knife which moves back and forth cutting the string which releases the hammer onto the jack lever which is carefully positioned on top of a spring so the hammer falls repeatedly which pumps up the jack which in turn tips the fire bucket which then empties its contents onto the scales. These scales tilt to switch on the winch which retracts its cable which is tied around the trigger of this gun which fires to sever the rope that then drops the safe!

Interviewer: …By which time the fly has flown away.

Professor: (pause) Yes.

Interviewer: Why not just use a flyswat?

Professor: A what?

(thwack)

Interviewer: See?

Professor: You squashed my fly.

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 3) - Mercorabilia

Time for another speech wrecker sketch - this one focuses on a famous line from Ridley Scott's Gladiator.

Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Bystander: Umm – excuse me Mr Meridius but what use is it going to be for you to get your vengeance in the next life?

Maximus: What?

Bystander: It sounds good, I’ll grant you. But in the next life, you’ll be dead, as will he. So, really, what is the point? Why don’t you just stab him now and have done with it?

Maximus: But then his guards will kill me.

Bystander: So what? You’ll have had your vengeance and then you can be in the next life – with your murdered son and murdered wife.

Maximus: Good point.

[stabs Commodus]

Commodus: Oh. I did not see that coming.

Invention sketch - Mercorabilia

Back to normal today and a sketch inspired by a combination of an infamous cartoon duo and a certain board game.

Interviewer: And I’m here today with Professor Useless…

Professor: Eustace.

Interviewer: Eustace – sorry. Who tells me he’s devised a revolutionary new mouse catching device. So, Professor, perhaps you’d like to tell us a bit about it.

Professor: Certainly. You see it’s quite straight forward. What you do is you turn this crank here – like this…(clanking) which flicks this beam (twang) which knocks the boot (clunk) which then kicks over the bucket (thud) releasing the bowling ball (rumbling) down the path and onto the slide (small thud followed by continued rumbling) where it knocks the pole which…oh…um…it seems to have missed the pole. Um…well never mind – we’ll try again. You see you turn this crank (clanking) which flicks this beam (twang) which knocks the boot…ah…well it – it should knock the boot. Um…let’s set it up again and try once more. So you turn this crank which flicks this beam which knocks the boot which kicks over the bucket - yes!- which releases the bowling ball down the path onto the slide where it knocks the pole which releases the ball - like that - which falls through the bathtub onto the plank which launches the mannequin onto the pressure pad which lowers the cage!...ah.

Interviewer: The…uh…cage seems to have got stuck halfway.

Professor: Yes…yes - very strange. I can’t understand why that’s happened.

Interviewer: Well, never mind, Professor. You’ll be pleased to hear that I too have developed a mouse catching machine.

Professor: Really? What is it?

(Meow)

Ever Afterlife sketch - Mercorabilia

I like the idea of people being reunited with their lost loves after they die. But what occurred to me the other day is: what happens if one of the parties remarries after the first one’s death - how do they decide who they spend the rest of eternity with? Maybe they have to have an agency to sort it all out…

Ever afterlife sketch

*DING*

Angel: Next please. Hello – my name is the angel Hymen. Welcome to Ever Afterlife – the agency devoted to resolving the disputes of those who remarried in life and have now been reunited with both spouses in death. How can I help you?

Wife 2: Yes – thank you. I…

Wife 1: Do you mind? He was speaking to me. Hello – I hope you can help me. I’m here to discuss my husband.

Wife 2: You mean my husband. I’m the one who’s married to him.

Wife 1: So was I – you’re just his second choice.

Wife 2: Second but best.

Wife 1: He loved me first.

Wife 2: He loved me more.

Angel: Ladies, ladies please. Now is this the gentleman in question? Hello, sir. How are you?

Husband: I…

Wife 1: He’s fine. What are you going to do about us?

Angel: Hmm. So he married you first.

Wife 1: Yes.

Angel: And then he married you second.

Wife 2: Yes. I brought him out of his misery and made him realise life was still worth living.

Wife 1: The misery he experienced when he lost me – the one he loved the most.

Wife 2: He loves me the most. Don’t you, darling?

Husband: I…

Wife 1: Don’t be ridiculous! He loves me the most – he married me first.

Wife 2: Exactly – you had your turn. Now he’s mine. It’s supposed to be ‘til death do you part.

Wife 1: I don’t know if you noticed but we’re both dead.

Wife 2: You died first.

Wife 1: But I married him first so I should get him back.

Husband: But…

Wife 2: Be quiet.

Wife 1: Don’t you talk to him like that!

Wife 2: Don’t you tell me how I can or can’t talk to my husband!

Wife 1: You mean my husband.

Husband: Can I just…?

Wife 1: (simultaneously) No!

Wife 2: (simultaneously) No!

Angel: Ladies. Please – remember this is paradise. Try to behave accordingly.

Wife 1: What about you? Aren’t you supposed to be sorting this out?

Angel: Well - as I see it - you both married this man at some point in your lives.

Wife 1: (simultaneously) Yes.

Wife 2: (simultaneously) Yes.

Angel: And you believe you both have an equal claim to being his one true love.

Wife 2: Well I do – I don’t know about her.

Wife 1: Why you…!

Angel: Now, now. Please. So you now need to decide which of you spends the rest of eternity with him.

Wife 1: (simultaneously) Yes.

Wife 2: (simultaneously) Yes.

Angel: I see. What about you, sir? Which one of these…er…women would you like to spend eternity with?

Wife 2: Well me – obviously.

Wife 1: No - me.

Angel: Ladies! Sir?

Husband: Er…well actually…neither of them.

Speech-wrecker sketch - Mercorabilia

I’m probably alone in this but there have been several occasions where there’s been what supposed to be a really stirring speech in a film etc and I’m left thinking ‘Well I’m not convinced’ and it got me wondering what those scenes would be like if someone with my cynical standpoint was in those scenes to offer their ‘helpful’ perspectives.

Achilles: “Myrmidons, my brothers of the sword. I’d rather fight beside you than any army of thousands. Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!”

Soldier: Seriously? Don’t you mean certain death? Have you forgotten that what’s actually there waiting beyond that beach is several thousand Trojan soldiers wanting to hack us to bits for trying to invade their country. How on earth could you define that as ‘immortality’? More like insanity. And you really think we’re lions? A bunch of scared stiff blokes in metal outfits with metal sticks planning to run screaming hysterically at a bunch of other blokes covered in metal and pointing very sharp sticks at us. I think we could only be called lions if said lions had had their brains removed.

And of course you’d rather fight beside us – I mean where are you going to find yourself another army at this late stage? It’s either us or on your own…which actually sounds like a bloody good idea considering you haven’t actually needed us so far to win the battles. So, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll leave it thanks. What time’s the next boat back to Greece?