Crufts sketch

So a hospital trip and an operation have meant my blog posts have somewhat fallen to the wayside. I'm now trying to catch up so here is the first of March's posts - both of which are a nod to/inspired by Bob Newhart's famous monologue skits.

Hello? Kennel Club? Mr Cruft. What can I do for you today? You- you say you’ve got a brilliant new idea for us? Uh-huh. And what is that?... A dog show. Not- not to sound harsh, Mr Cruft, but er…that’s not exactly a new idea…No. You see, there are several types of dog show that already exist. You know – like the ones for herding, hunting, guarding… Yes. So what- what exactly will the dogs in your show be required to do?...Absolutely nothing. And- and you think that’ll draw a crowd, do you? …Ev- everybody loves a dog. Well, I suppose that’s er… that’s mostly true, Mr Cruft. So what will the entrants be judged on?... Whether they look like a dog. Er… are you… are you planning to allow cats to enter or something?... Then why wouldn’t they look like dogs, Mr Cruft?...It depends which dog looks most like a dog. And how do we determine that, Mr Cruft?... Did- did you say you’ve drawn a picture? You- you’ve drawn a picture of a dog. And the winner of the competition will be the dog that looks most like your picture. Have- have you heard of a thing called breeds, Mr Cruft?... Oh, you have. So do you have different pictures for different breeds or…? That’s not necessary. Are you sure about that? I have to say, I had no idea you were also an artist as well, Mr Cruft so.... You’re not. I see. Er… in that case, can I just ask – this… er… this dog you’ve drawn – does- does it have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 4 legs and a tail?... Well- well, that’s a start I suppose. Yeah. So… so all that has to happen is the dog has to look like a dog?... That you’ve drawn, yeah – I got that. Well, I guess it could help to encourage owners to take good care of their dogs. Ensure safe, healthy breeding to safeguard future generations of… Why are you laughing, Mr Cruft? That’s not the point. Kind of feels like it should be, Mr Cruft. Yeah. It’s all about the money? What money, Mr Cruft?...Oh, there’s an entry fee. I see. Well, I have to admit that… er… that is a good point. Yeah. So are you planning… is there a big prize for the winner? Not really. So what- er- what’s the motivation, Mr Cruft?... Prestige. Yeah, well I- I guess, I guess there is that… And- and because then it’ll be a pedigree. And pedigrees sell for more. Well, er, that- that may be true, Mr Cruft, but uh don’t- don’t you reckon people will also want their dogs to be healthy too? I mean if we’re encouraging inbreeding in order to win this… You don’t think so. Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, Mr Cruft. Yeah. Er… listen, Mr Cruft – I have to admit I’m kind of worried. I mean, don’t- don’t you think we might get into trouble with the RSPCA?... It’s not like the dogs are fighting each other. Well, that’s true, I guess. But I imagine the owners might end up…er… Can- can I just ask, er, Mr Cruft, er, how did you get into this? I mean,er, what- what made you think of it?...It makes a change from… did- did you say chickens, Mr Cruft? What the hell have chickens got to do with it?... Oh, that’s your background. So how did you get into dogs then, Mr Cruft? Did you- <laughs> did you not like the pay? <laughs> What was it? Chicken feed? <laughs> No – I’m sorry, Mr Cruft. I’m sorry. Well, if- if you think this show of yours is a flyer then you go right ahead and set it up…Yeah. And- er- and if you get any flack from it, just remember – the buck stops with you. What?... Dog then, fine. Goodbye.