Humphrey Dumpty sketch - Mercorabilia

Supposedly a number of our traditional nursery rhymes have a basis in history. So what would happen if the 'origin' for one of our most famous rhymes decided to question its author...

Secretary: Mr. Anon? Your 1.30 is here.

Mr Anon: Thank you. Send him in.

Mr. Dumpty: Are you Mr. Anon?

Mr Anon: Yes, that’s me – Amos Anon – nursery rhymes writer extraordinaire. And who might you be?

Mr. Dumpty: My name’s Dumpty. Humphrey Dumpty.

Mr Anon: I see. And what can I do for you, Mr. Dumpty?

Mr. Dumpty: Well, Mr. Anon. it’s about a recent publication of yours that just happened to include a little anecdote about my life story.

Mr Anon: Really? I can’t think why. I thought you’d be thrilled to be included in my little book.

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, well – I have few points I’d like to raise.

Mr Anon: And what might those be?

Mr. Dumpty: Firstly – you spelt my name wrong. It’s Humphrey – not Humpty.

Mr Anon: Well, that’s poetic licence – Humpty Dumpty sounds better – it rhymes, you see.

Mr. Dumpty: Secondly, I’ve yet to see any royalties from this book.

Mr Anon: Ah, yes. That’s all down to the politics. We’re still waiting to hear how sales are doing. As soon as we’re in profit I’ll be sure to send you a cheque.

Mr. Dumpty: What’s that? It looks like a solid gold pen.

Mr Anon: No it’s just a very shiny yellow one. Anything else?

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, actually. Thirdly – and this is the most crucial point – thirdly – I am not an egg.

Mr Anon: That one’s not down to me. Our art department getting a little imaginative.

Mr. Dumpty: Well, it’s not very clever. I’m sick of people making comments like ‘The yolk’s on you’ whenever I fall off a wall.It’s not funny!

Mr Anon: (trying not to laugh) I’m sorry. No – you’re right, it’s not.

Mr. Dumpty: I mean it’s not my fault if I fall off a wall – I have an inner ear problem.

Mr Anon: I see.

Mr. Dumpty: The least you could do is pay my medical bills. Going private’s not cheap, you know. Have you any idea how much it costs to have the king’s physicians – the king’s men – tending to you?

Mr Anon: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Mr. Dumpty: Just count yourself lucky the horses didn’t get involved because it could have got even more pricier. As it was they were absolutely no use at pulling the ambulance. It’s lucky I’m alive at all.

Mr Anon: Yes, isn’t it.

Mr. Dumpty: And I know it’s not the first time you’ve caused trouble with your writing.

Mr Anon: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Mr. Dumpty: You got Little Boy Blue the sack! Going on about him sleeping on the job. And then publishing it! The minute his boss saw that he was out on his ear.

Mr Anon: Well, he shouldn’t have been so careless, should he? Anyway, he did all right for himself – I heard he got a gig at the local nightclub as their resident bugler.

Mr. Dumpty: That’s beside the point.

Mr Anon: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Dumpty. I’ll get on to it right away.

Mr. Dumpty: See that you do.

Mr. Anon: I will. I certainly wouldn’t want to have egg on my face.