From the Mind of Merc - Javert and the Scarlet Pimpernel

Today’s post is a little earlier than usual but once again I won’t have internet access this evening. 

Short one today but it occurred to me the other day that there have been countless revolts, episodes of unrest and complaints about the rich living it up at the expense of the poor. The French Revolution was one of the greatest uprisings in support of this cause yet the man who endeavours to save the privileged aristocrats (i.e. The Scarlet Pimpernel) is the one who is lauded and praised. Surely it is Chauvelin who is the hero of the people – seeking to bring down this opposer of the people’s justice – rather than the masked ‘vigilante’ who instead seeks to save his upper class fellows. 

I’m not saying I’m in favour of the death penalty (in fact the opposite) nor that the Revolution didn’t get carried away (as perhaps demonstrated by the fact that one of its chief perpetrators – Robespierre – ended up as a victim of the mob and his own prized machine Madame Guillotine) but maybe those cast as villains are in fact the true heroes & those who would be seen as the saviours are in fact the sinners.

 

The character of Javert in Les Miserables also seeks to maintain the inequality that exists in society and bring about the destruction and downfall of those who rebel against it – yet he is cast as the villain. 

 

Both Javert and the Pimpernel seek to maintain or encourage the status quo, both are against the revolution, both are powerful figures in the their own right but where one is acclaimed the other is accursed – isn’t perspective an interesting thing?

The Stuarts Song - Horrific Histories

A recently completed entry from my Horrific Histories collection today which again parodies one of Horrible Histories' own creations - this time The Tudors Song rewritten for the Stuarts.

Imagine it being sung by Charles II.

The Tudors Stuarts Song not by Horrible Histories

Anyone who's lived around these parts
Or ever knew'd us
Is well aware just who it was came
After the Tudors... 

My grandad James Sixth & First
He came from Scotland
To govern England
Speedily done 

Charles the First then took over
Who’d suffered the cold shoulder
Cause Prince Henry was older
But he had died young 

Everyone said of Charles The
First he was a bad king
And it’s cos of him
That I then went into hiding... 

'Cause we're Stuarts
It isn’t wise to boo-at

The scaffold you’ll be due at
‘Cause we are in charge

Stuarts!
Ruling we weren’t new at
Power we soon grew at

We like living large

Eventually I became king
I enjoyed messing about
It’s your queen who then lost out
‘Cause she had no kids

It was an heir I needed
But that just wouldn’t happen
Oh dear, well, that’s that then
The throne – any bids?

Stuart!

My castle many flew at

And many more would queue at

To feel the king’s touch 

My brother then took the throne

That’s King James the Second
(But) Catholicism beckoned
Who came after?

His daughter then took over
Along with husband William
Again they had no children
So Anne’s the ruler...

Stuart!
The era many rue at
And some would like to sue at
Yet we still won

Anne outlived all her heirs
So our reign ended there
We didn’t think that fair
So we kept fighting on

Tesco scandal adverts - Newsjack

One of the sketches I created for Newsjack was based on the Tesco horsemeat scandal where meat in their own brand Bolognese was found to have come from horses (sometimes wonder if their chef thought they asked for something to be done with their Boulonnais Horse instead of Bolognese Sauce):

Voiceover:

Here at Tesco we never let a deceased animal go to waste.

With our new recycling scheme, the joy that they brought you in life can continue after their death.

So why not pick up our latest Tortellini made with real tortoise, our canineloni is truly indescribable and only the finest thoroughbred goes into our spaghetti bolognese. Yes we will literally flog a dead horse.

Tesco – Every little whelp.

Then I decided to see if I could do the same for other scandals that Tesco has been involved in. For example...

Pain relief tablets found in ice cream

Voiceover:

Ever bitten into an icecream only to suffer the instant pain of brain freeze? Well, now scientists at Tesco have the answer. Their new brand of ice cream flavours combines the enjoyment of frozen dairy comfort with the relief of pain-numbing drugs.

Try our new Vanillium or Parastashiomol flavours. We also stock Fentaneopolitan or there’s our newest creation – Aspirum and Raisin. And there’s a free litigation pack with every purchase.

Tesco – Every little helps.

Glass found in beer

Voiceover:

Tesco are proud to announce their newest arrival from France. Biere D’Or – beer with more bite. It’s the latest in alcoholic French cuisine with that extra added something to give it a little bit more edge. Don’t be discouraged if your beer seems slightly crunchy – after all there’s nothing like adding a bit more sodium to your diet. And we’ll even throw in a free trip to the hospital with every case.

Tesco - Eating little helps.

Out of date food being relabelled

Voiceover:
At Tesco, all our food can now been enjoyed for longer even you might think it’s out-of-date. This is all due to our new technology called ‘back-labelling’ which helps us to extend the shelf life of our items by changing the expiry dates so it seems like it’s in date when it’s not. It’s just something we’re doing to help stop the excessive amount of food that goes to waste every year.
Tesco - Adding little helps 

Kick energy drink causing caffeine addiction problems 

Voiceover:

New Kick energy drink from Tesco is loaded with caffeine to help keep you buzzing all through your busy day. Just pop open a can today and watch that revision or work meeting fly past…And if you’re thinking it’s not suitable for school kids – you’d be right but hey - that’s half the fun. And remember – once they’re off our property, they’re your problem.

Tesco - Annoying little whelps

 

Delivery service fails to deliver, refund or apologise

Voiceover:

With Tesco Home Delivery service, all your shopping is delivered straight from our store to your door saving you all that needless hassle of disrupting your daily routine to leave your house to get to us. We’ll contact you to confirm delivery of your order and we usually deliver within 2-5 days…And if we don’t – tough! After all – what are you going to do? We’ve got your money.

Tesco – Every little helps (us)

Spanish Detective Inquisitor sketch - Mercorabilia

A rare entry from my Mercorabilia collection today.
I originally wrote a much longer version of this sketch but was worried it seemed too repetitive so I slimmed it down a bit to keep it short and sweet.

(Officers milling around incident room in front of a board summarising the case. Inspector enters with pointer)

Sergeant: Gentlemen, let’s settle down and review this case.

(Police officers find a seat while Inspector positions self by the board with pointer)

Sergeant: So far we’ve established that our chief suspect is Andrews…Andrews or Baker; our two - two chief suspects are Andrews or Baker…but it could have been Clarkson. Our three – three chief suspects are: Andrews, Baker or Clarkson.

PC: Not forgetting Davis, Chief.

Inspector: Absolutely! So, among our chief suspects are Andrews, Baker, Clarkson, or Davis…Um…let’s start again.  

(Door opens)

Constable: Sergeant! We’ve just heard – there’s been another murder!

Sergeant: How many times have I told you not to interrupt, Constable? Can’t you see we’re busy here?

Constable: Sorry, Serge.

(Constable makes to leave)

Sergeant: That’s better. No – wait a minute. Come back here!

(Constable re-enters)

Sergeant: What did you just say?

Constable: Pardon.

Sergeant: Sorry, SergeANT!

For those of you who are interested, here's the original full-length sketch:

(Policemen gathered in a room in front of a board summarising the case. Inspector enters and moves over to board with pointer)

Inspector: Gentlemen, let’s settle down and review this case. So at approximately 7.24pm last night young Miss Ann Thrope was killed on her way home from work. Let’s look at possible culprits:

Inspector: Our chief suspect in this case is Adams … Adams or Brooks; two chief suspects, Adams … Brooks, but it could have been Caxton!

PC 1: Not forgetting Dunn, Chief.

Inspector: Absolutely! So, er, among our chief suspects are: Adams, Brooks, Caxton, or Dunn! Um…let’s start again. Let’s look at motive.

(move on to next part of board)

Inspector: So as far as we can tell, the murder was carried for the following reason - robbery… robbery or rape; two possible motives, robbery…rape but it could have been revenge. Our three possible motives are robbery, rape, revenge… or quite possibly ransom. Um….let’s move on to the method.

Inspector: So we know that the murder was committed using a knife…a knife or a gun; two possible weapons are knife … gun but they could have used rope. So three possible weapons knife, gun or rope…or maybe even poison…Hmm…this case is more complicated that I thought. Well at least we can be sure that we have only the one victim – Miss Thrope

PC 2: What about Miss Bea Leaf, Chief? She was killed in the exact same way.

Inspector: Ah yes! So two murder victims - Miss Thrope and Miss Leaf

PC 3: And there’s also Miss Carrie Jez. The ME said there’s a chance her murder was linked to Miss Thrope’s

Inspector: Ok. So our three murder victims are Miss Thrope, Miss Leaf and Miss Jez

PC 4: Then there’s Miss Demi Nurr, Chief.

(Inspector pauses looking despondent and then glances at the board)

Inspector: No wonder we haven’t caught him yet.

Christopher Marlowe - Horrific Histories

An entry from the unsubmitted section of my Horrific Histories collection today turning a song about a Disney villain into one about an Elizabethan literary hero.

Cruella de Vil Christopher Marlowe not by Disney

Christopher Marlowe

Christopher marlowe

Top of the hits where ever he’d go

Wrote Faustus and Tamberlane

Before he died

Was it because he spied?

His way with the words
The turn of his phrase
Will always stay with us
For all of our days
A dramatist and a

Poet also
Was Christopher Marlowe

William Shakespeare
Is second to none
But his time came after
Marlowe was gone
The more famous name now
But then about the town
It was Kit and not Will who
Earned renown!

A skilled author
With a tricky life
His escapades brought him
Nothing but strife
Cos fifteen ninety

two’s a year of woe
For poor, Christopher Marlowe

Caption time 8 - Singing cats

It's Monday! Have another cat! In fact - have two!

Grey Sisters - Horrific Histories

Today's entry is from my Horrific Histories collection and is a twist on the Shirley Bassey classic 'Goldfinger' taking it back to the era of Queen Elizabeth I and changing the colour scheme slightly.

Goldfinger Grey Sisters not by Shirley Bassey 

Grey sisters.
We’re the girls, the girls with whom fate did toy.
And then destroy.

Yes – the Grey sisters.
Lady Jane’s is the story that you know
But there’s two to go.

Oh to marry for love did Cath’rine,
But this marriage did upset the queen,
Despite two children Eliz did insist-a,
To annul the match of this poor

Grey sister.
She died young in the tower locked away
For all her days.

Lady Mary she was called ugly,
But this didn’t deter Thomas Keyes,
Married secretly this didn’t assist her,
He was locked up cos he wed a
 

Grey sister.
Kept under house arrest all of her life
Of woe and strife.

Now their tale is told,
Yes it’s told.
It is told.
Their tale is now told,
You’ve been told.
You’ve been told.

50 Years of Doctor Who - Newsjack

As promised, here is the second of today's sketches.
I created it to mark the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who (if I had internet access tomorrow I'd post it then but as I won't...). It was one of the sketches I submitted to the radio show Newsjack.

Introduction: This year marks the 50^th anniversary of BBC’s Doctor Who and despite his advancing years, the Doctor himself seems to just keep getting younger and younger – how does he do it?

Elderly man’s voice (Hartnell): I used to have the face of a 58 year old man…

(sound effect)

Young man’s voice (Smith): But now I look just 28. What’s my secret? This new anti-aging serum from Laboratoire Gallifrey. With its amazing regenerative properties I can look younger than my own granddaughter even though I’m over 900 years old. Try some today – it’s out of this world.

Voiceover: (spoken really fast) Warning - productiscompletelyfictitiousandisnotavailableanywhere.

Young man’s voice: Take Care.
Voiceover: Gallifrey

Flowery Language - 'Lizard's Tail'

As I won't have internet access for most of this weekend, this will be the first of two posts today to make up for there being none tomorrow.
A new excerpt from my Flowery Language collection - Saururus cernuus - also known as Lizard's Tail.

Things Could Always Be Worse - !!!NEW!!!

A !!!NEW!!! entry today and this one's a parody of the infamous song 'Things Can Only Get Better' by D: Ream twisted to fit the saying 'Things could always be worse'

If along your path
Bad luck clouds your view
Just sit and take your time
Don’t let it get to you

And baby
You ain’t always gonna feel this way
It ain't always gonna be like this

Yes this is true
Don’t you know that

(CHORUS:)
Things could always be worse
Could always be worse
You can see it through
(That means you)
(And I mean it too)
(Don’t you know that)
Things could always be worse
Could always be, could always be
You’ll get on from here
You know, I know that
Things could always be worse

You sometimes find you’re running late
You lost track of time
And you can't seem to get past the gate
Just remember now, (it’s) never as bad as it seems
There are others like you
Who’ve got many more things  to deal with
And I  say

Along your path
Cloud your view
Take your time
Don’t let it get to

(CHORUS:)
Things could always be worse
Could always be worse
So don't feel blue
Things could always be, could always be
Things could always be worse
Could always be worse
So don't feel blue

So blue not you...
So... many people face hard times
So don’t feel down
‘Cause you are gonna come through all of this
So look at things now
In a different light than you did before
And realise
Realise that you could be your cure
And I say

Along your path
Cloud your view
Take your time
Don’t let it get to you

(chorus)

Things could always be, could always be
Things could always be, could always be
Things could always be, could always be
Things could always be, could always be

(chorus)

We All Row Together - Horrific Histories

Another twist on Paul McCartney's 'We All Stand Together' - this time parodied for my Horrific Histories collection.
Enjoy!

We All Stand Row Together not by Paul McCartney

Galley slaves, condemned men
Land is just one thing we’ll not see again
Chained to oars, doomed to die
We all row together

Not Romans, never were
This is a misconception that you’ll hear
They’re soldiers, we’re peasants
We all row together

Aaaaaaaggggghhhh

It’s such a hideous sight
Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
We won’t escape

From our poor fate

Born paupers, stole to live
But crime is something they cannot forgive
Working hard, facing war
We all row together

Aaaaaaaggggghhhh

Ours is a pitiful plight
Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
Torture and strife

10 years is life

Caught convicts, wretched souls
Only fresh air comes in through these small holes
No hygiene, disease is rife
We all row together

Instrumental chorus

Instrumental verse

We all row together!