Bilbo meets Smaug sketch - Newsreview

Today's sketch is from my Newsreview collection and is another that I wrote and submitted to Newsjack.

It was created to mark the release of the new Desolation of Smaug trailer and focuses on the interesting (for me) casting of the Hobbit and the dragon. I deliberately made sure that all the lines spoken by Smaug in the trailer are included in the sketch

Note: The lines written in italics were intended to be cut if the sketch was too long.

Introduction: The new trailer for the Desolation of Smaug came out last week which features a tantalising teaser of (world’s sexiest actor) Benedict Cumberbatch in his role as the fearsome dragon. The trailer doesn’t reveal much of Bilbo’s encounter with his new nemesis but with Sherlock’s Martin Freeman playing Bilbo you can’t help but wonder how that first conversation might go…

Bilbo:  Well here’s another fine mess you’ve got yourself into, Bilbo. What on earth possessed you to volunteer to go and scout out the cave? I mean what am I doing all this for? It’s not even my gold. What am I going to get out of this adventure? I don’t….

Smaug: Thief!

Bilbo: Pardon?

Smaug: I know you’re there, thief – I can hear you. I can smell you…Where are you?

Bilbo: I’m terribly sorry to have disturbed you, Mr. Smaug. I was just…

Smaug: Wait! I know that voice – John?

Bilbo: Yes. Who-…Sherlock?

Smaug: Yes.

Bilbo:  Well, well. Small world.

Smaug: John – what on earth are you doing here? And what happened to your shoes?

Bilbo: Never mind me - what about you?

Smaug: What?

Bilbo: Well when did you get so big?…And scaly.

Smaug: Oh…er…it’s complicated.

Bilbo: Really?

Smaug: Yes all to do with something called ‘blue screen’. They think I’ve might have a condition called CGI but apparently it’s not contagious.

Bilbo: Oh I see.

Smaug: But never mind that. What are you doing here?

Bilbo: Oh well I heard there was a dragon, you see.

Smaug: So you thought you’d come and slay me, did you?

Bilbo: Me? No. No. I just thought I’d come and…look.

Smaug: Uh-huh. Not after my treasure, were you?

Bilbo: No, of course not – what would I want with treasure?

Smaug: Hmm. Look this is getting ridiculous. I can’t even see you. Step into the light.

Bilbo: Ok. Wait – you’re not going to burn me, are you?

Smaug: No. Why?

Bilbo: Well, you are a dragon.

Smaug: Fair point. But no, I won’t burn you. Come now – don’t be shy.

Bilbo: Ok. Ta da! Ow!

Smaug: Now I’ve got you.

Bilbo: Wait! Sherlock! Stop! What are you doing?

Smaug: I’m going to eat you, John.

Bilbo: But why?

Smaug: I told you – I don’t like thieves

Bilbo:  But you can’t – you promised. Besides I thought we were friends.

Smaug: Ah, but as I think I mentioned before, John. I don’t have friends.