Humphrey Dumpty sketch - Mercorabilia

Supposedly a number of our traditional nursery rhymes have a basis in history. So what would happen if the 'origin' for one of our most famous rhymes decided to question its author...

Secretary: Mr. Anon? Your 1.30 is here.

Mr Anon: Thank you. Send him in.

Mr. Dumpty: Are you Mr. Anon?

Mr Anon: Yes, that’s me – Amos Anon – nursery rhymes writer extraordinaire. And who might you be?

Mr. Dumpty: My name’s Dumpty. Humphrey Dumpty.

Mr Anon: I see. And what can I do for you, Mr. Dumpty?

Mr. Dumpty: Well, Mr. Anon. it’s about a recent publication of yours that just happened to include a little anecdote about my life story.

Mr Anon: Really? I can’t think why. I thought you’d be thrilled to be included in my little book.

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, well – I have few points I’d like to raise.

Mr Anon: And what might those be?

Mr. Dumpty: Firstly – you spelt my name wrong. It’s Humphrey – not Humpty.

Mr Anon: Well, that’s poetic licence – Humpty Dumpty sounds better – it rhymes, you see.

Mr. Dumpty: Secondly, I’ve yet to see any royalties from this book.

Mr Anon: Ah, yes. That’s all down to the politics. We’re still waiting to hear how sales are doing. As soon as we’re in profit I’ll be sure to send you a cheque.

Mr. Dumpty: What’s that? It looks like a solid gold pen.

Mr Anon: No it’s just a very shiny yellow one. Anything else?

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, actually. Thirdly – and this is the most crucial point – thirdly – I am not an egg.

Mr Anon: That one’s not down to me. Our art department getting a little imaginative.

Mr. Dumpty: Well, it’s not very clever. I’m sick of people making comments like ‘The yolk’s on you’ whenever I fall off a wall.It’s not funny!

Mr Anon: (trying not to laugh) I’m sorry. No – you’re right, it’s not.

Mr. Dumpty: I mean it’s not my fault if I fall off a wall – I have an inner ear problem.

Mr Anon: I see.

Mr. Dumpty: The least you could do is pay my medical bills. Going private’s not cheap, you know. Have you any idea how much it costs to have the king’s physicians – the king’s men – tending to you?

Mr Anon: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Mr. Dumpty: Just count yourself lucky the horses didn’t get involved because it could have got even more pricier. As it was they were absolutely no use at pulling the ambulance. It’s lucky I’m alive at all.

Mr Anon: Yes, isn’t it.

Mr. Dumpty: And I know it’s not the first time you’ve caused trouble with your writing.

Mr Anon: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Mr. Dumpty: You got Little Boy Blue the sack! Going on about him sleeping on the job. And then publishing it! The minute his boss saw that he was out on his ear.

Mr Anon: Well, he shouldn’t have been so careless, should he? Anyway, he did all right for himself – I heard he got a gig at the local nightclub as their resident bugler.

Mr. Dumpty: That’s beside the point.

Mr Anon: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Dumpty. I’ll get on to it right away.

Mr. Dumpty: See that you do.

Mr. Anon: I will. I certainly wouldn’t want to have egg on my face.

Confrontation - !!!NEW!!!

A friend of mine has often commented on the similiarities between the musical Les Miserables and the 1993 film The Fugitive. So I decided to create a parody song mixing the two together and combining the song 'Confrontation' between Valjean and Javert and the infamous dam standoff between Kimble and Gerard.

Confrontation not from Les Miserables or The Fugitive

Gerard:
Kimble, at last,
I have you in my sights
Don’t dare to move
It’s the end of your plight

Kimble:
Before you decide to shoot me, Gerard
Before you send me back to face certain death
Listen to me! For I did not kill my wife.
I found her body when I returned home
I was sentenced to death that’s why I ran,
Found that I was left to carry the blame,
To clear my name, I need to find the man
Please let me go, I’m innocent.
Please let me go...

Gerard:
I cannot do that!
I've been ordered to bring you in
Kimble you are a fugitive
Kimble... I don’t care...

Gerard (in counterpoint):                     Kimble (in counterpoint)
I must do what I must do                    You say that but I know more
You must do what you must do
No, No, Richard Kimble                        I know it’s your job to ensure justice
That’s not what my job is                    You must know my true story
You’re a convict                                    When I found my wife was dead
I must arrest you, Richard Kimble       Tried to tell the cops the truth
Hands up now and on your knees      They choose to try me instead
Do it man but slowly now                     I’m not going to go so easily
I don’t want to know your tale            Won’t let you take me, Gerard
Not interested in your lies                    Been one step ahead so far
Each crook who thinks they can run  Not prepared to give in yet
Each crook who from justice flies        I will stay on the run
Underestimate Gerard                            I think you should know, Gerard
I am soon upon their trail                     I am a man on the edge
Always get my man it’s true!               If you choose to force my hand
And see now I have caught you!        I'll do what must be done!

[Kimble turns and looks out over the dam.]

Kimble: As you won’t listen to my voice

Gerard: Kimble - don’t do what you’re thinking

Kimble: Though I can understand your doubt

Gerard: Do not be stupid - think it through

Kimble: You’ve left me with no other choice.

Kimble & Gerard: The dam is my/your only way out!

[He jumps. Gerard runs forward to look. Kimble has escaped.]

From The Mind of Merc – Disney Part 1: Lessons

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the bad lessons Disney teaches girls.

I will just clarify that I am a HUGE Disney fan – what little girl doesn’t want to be a Disney princess – but it cannot be denied that Disney does send some terrible messages to children.
(And I’m not talking about the letters ‘SFX’ appearing displaced by Simba when he collapses on the cliff edge or the priest’s *ahem* knee in Little Mermaid)

For example, here are 12 bad lesson Disney teaches girls:

Lesson no. 1: Makeovers fix everything (Cinderella)

Lesson no. 2: Change who you are to be with a man (Little Mermaid)

Lesson no. 3: It’s ok to be with a man who molests you while you sleep (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White)

Lesson no. 4: Stay with a man who mistreats you (Beauty and the Beast)

Lesson no. 5: Wait to be rescued (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 6: Liars can be trusted (Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 7: Let someone else make all your decisions for you (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

Lesson no. 8: Ignore your parents’ advice (Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tangled)

Lesson no. 9: Magic is the only way to get what you want – hard work counts for nought (Cinderella, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Princess & the Frog)

Lesson no. 10: Marrying someone you just met is a great idea (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, etc....)

Lesson no. 11: You have to be stunningly beautiful and/or a princess to be happy – this includes having a waist thinner than your head)

Lesson no. 12: Keep holding out for your prince – even if it means kissing a lot of frogs (how many Disney men aren’t princes?)

Additional note: he must be handsome and rich

Ironic - !!!NEW!!!

Has anybody else been driven mad by the song 'Ironic' by Alanis Morisette? I have nothing against Ms. Morisette but she clearly doesn't seem to know what irony actually is (which, in a way, is kind of ironic). And so I've decided to rectify this by penning a 'parody' of her song staying as true as was possible to the original to show how with just a few tweaks it would make so much more sense.

Ironic (with corrections) not by Alanis Morisette
Hey yeah yeah

Yeah yea yea
Hey yeah

An old man turned ninety-eight
Folks thought him immortal then he died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
You asked for body but now say to throw it away
Isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to try

All sorts of new things - thought the risk was too high
Yet it’s this fear of his that caused him to die
Wouldn’t alter his course that day
He couldn’t see why
And isn’t it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

Well life has a funny way of turning round on you
When you think everything's makes sense and everything's going right, right
And life has a funny way sometimes of tripping you up when
You think the everything's gone right and then everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
Told the roads would be clear by that reporter you hate
It's like ten thousand spoons when you think you need a knife
Then you find a spoon would have done
Ooh yeah the irony is rife, mmm
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?
A little too ironic
And yeah, I really do think

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

And well, life has a funny way of turning round on you
And life has a funny, funny way of tripping you up
Tripping you up

King Arthur's Quest - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today with a hint of Python about it (think watery bint in a bikini). The inspiration for this being what if King Arthur's knights were slightly hard of hearing and weren't quite sure what their noble quest was for... 

Arthur: Knights of the Round Table. I have gathered you here today to ask you to embark on a great and noble quest.

Galahad: And what is that, oh king?

Arthur: I wish you to go out into the world and bring me back... The Holy Grail.

<fanfare>

Galahad: Are you sure?

Arthur: What do you mean – am I sure?

Galahad: Well, personally I can’t see anything wrong with the mail you’ve got on. What would you want some new stuff?

Arthur: Not mail – you idiots. Grail. The Holy Grail.

Galahad: Oh, right. Ok then. Shan’t be long.

<knights leave whistling merrily>

Arthur: Should I be worried, Merlin?

Merlin: I shouldn’t think so, sire. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.

Arthur: Hmm. Still they did seem to get confused over the distinction between mail and grail.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: That was quick.

Galahad: Well, it didn’t take long, you know. And we have found the object you seek.

Arthur: Really? Already? Where is it?

Galahad: Behold! <produces a weapon which clinks noisily> The Holy Flail.

Arthur: The Holy Fl.... Not flail, you metal morons. Grail. Grail. Got it.

Galahad: A thousand apologies, oh mighty king. We’ll try again.

Arthur: Just see that you get it right this time.

<knights leave>

Arthur: Honestly – you just can’t get the staff these days.

Merlin: Very well handled, sire.

Arthur: I guess I should have known this would happen when they thought I said mail first time.

Merlin: Well, to be fair, sire. You’re beard does rather obscure your voice a bit. Have you considered getting it trimmed?

Arthur: Are you suggesting that I..? Oh they’re back again.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: So I see. Did you get it?

Galahad: Yes, sire – behold.

<a bucket is placed on the floor in front of the king>

Arthur: Er... what is that?

Galahad: It is... The Holy Pail.

Arthur: Oh, for crying out loud. What is wrong with all of you? All that mead’s clouding your brain. Go back out there and find – listen closely – the Holy Gr-ail.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<knights leave>

Arthur: What am I supposed to do with this heap of rubbish?

Merlin: Why don’t you chuck it in the lake?

Arthur: Oh, I can’t do that.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake keeps chucking it back at me. Something about I’m ruining a site of natural beauty.

Merlin: Really?

Arthur: Yes. By the way – what’s Greenpeace?

Merlin: I’ve no idea, sire. Some new form of gentleman’s attire – a green codpiece?

Arthur: Oh, look who’s back.

Galahad: Sire – we have returned. We journeyed far and wide and we have found you did seek.

Arthur: You’re sure?

Galahad: Indeed, sire.

Arthur: Where is it then?

Galahad: I have it here in my hands, sire. Behold. <opens his hands to reveal a baby bird> The Holy Quail.

<Quail cheeps>

Arthur: Oh for pity’s sake. Look – I’m giving you just one more chance to get this right. This is your last warning. I want you to find... The... Holy... Gra-il. Now off you go. And don’t you dare come back without it.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<time passes>

Arthur: What can be taking them so long? They’ve been gone months.

Merlin: Well, you did say not to come back without it.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve forgotten what I said. Oh, wait - here they are.

Galahad: Sire, we have returned. We have travelled long and far and finally we wish to present you with this treasured relic which cost us 7 ducats to obtain. <knight holds out a relic wrapped in cloth>

Arthur: And you’re sure it’s the right one this time?

Galahad: Certain, sire. Behold. <knight uncovers the relic> The Holy Nail.

Arthur: Right. That’s it. I told you this was your last warning. You’ve been gone months and all you’ve got to show for it is some manky old bit of metalwork – which probably came out of one your saddles/suits of armour. Well, I’ve had enough. You can all think about what you’ve done in gaol. Guards!

Galahad: But, sire, what else could you expect us to do? We followed the Holy Trail as far as we could go.

Arthur: And you found nothing else?

Galahad: Well, actually, sire, there was other thing we came across.

Arthur: What is it?

Galahad: It’s this goblet.

<goblet produced along with angelic choral singing>

Arthur: Yes! Yes – that’s it!

Galahad: That’s it? Really? After all this time all you wanted was a beat up bit of tableware.

Arthur: Yes!

Galahad: Oh, well you should have said.

Greek Banking sketch - Mercorabilia

Isn’t the Greek banking crisis interesting? Not just for the situation they’re in but their reaction to it – it’s like they’re saying “I need some money but I’ll only accept it on these terms”. Imagine if someone went into a bank with that approach…

Customer: I need some money.

Bank: Ok – how much.

Customer: About €7.2 billion.

Bank: And what is this for?

Customer: Well I’ve got to make a payment on a loan from another bank, I need to pay the interest on a payment I got a while back and some of it’s to pay back the money I borrowed from you before.

Bank: I see. Well, we’ll lend you the money but only if you agree to our terms.

Customer: And those are…?

Bank: Cut your spending, contribute more in taxes and don’t focus on early retirement.

Customer: But they sound horrible.

Bank: Yes, but with a credit rating like yours…

Customer: Hmm. Tell you what. I’ll borrow the money but only if you agree to my terms. And my terms are that I don’t have to do any of the things you just said.

Bank: I don’t think you understand how this works.

Customer: But your terms aren’t any fun. And it’s not the way I do things.

Bank: But if you don’t accept our terms you’ll go bankrupt – you won’t be able to meet any of your financial obligations, your credit rating will be non-existent and all the agreements you’ve entered into will be worthless.

Customer: I know – I’ll talk to my people and see what they say.

Bank: About what?

Customer: Whether or not to accept your terms.

Bank: I don’t think you’re getting this. You need help – even if we give you money you’ll need help because if you continue the way you have been then you’ll just end up needing more and more money. And no-one is going to want to just pour money into a bottomless pit.

Customer: Well, what do you suggest I do?

Bank: Accept the terms!

Customer: Why would I want to do that?

Bank: Gaaah!

The crisis is already starting to impact on the country as their cash supplies dwindle. Imagine what this could mean for future bank transactions…

Bank: Hello. Welcome to The Bank. How can I help you?

Customer: I’d like to withdraw some money.

Bank: Sorry – can’t help you.

Customer: What?

Bank: We can’t do that.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: We haven’t got any money.

Customer: But you’re a bank!

Bank: Yes – but that doesn’t mean we’ve got any money.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Politics. Didn’t you bring any money with you?

Customer: I thought by bringing my bank card with me that’s what I was doing.

Bank: Ah – classic mistake, that.

Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Bank: (after a pause) How are your busking skills?

 

Addendum

Since I wrote the above (2 days ago), the situation has developed:

Customer: Good news!

Bank: What’s that?

Customer: I won’t be needing your money.

Bank: You’ve decided to take action to improve your finances?

Customer: Nope – I spoke to my people and they didn’t like your terms so I won’t be taking your money.

Bank: You won’t?

Customer: No – my people really didn’t like the idea of making all those changes so I won’t be doing them.

Bank: But you need this money!

Customer: True – but I need my people to be happy more.

Bank: But they won’t be happy without any money.

Customer: We’ll sort something out

Bank: Good luck with that.

From The Mind of Merc - Weddings

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about weddings.

According to recent statistics, approximately 42% of marriages end in divorce – meaning almost half of the couples walking blissfully down the aisle will not last.

I have a theory as to why this is:

Firstly, the idea of a ‘perfect’ wedding is drummed into women from a fairly age and it is epitomised - quite extensively - as being the only thing a girl could hope or rather aim to achieve. (An important distinction here being that they are not encouraged to want or look for a marriage – just a wedding.) Consequently, millions of girls will seek that ‘one ring’ to please them all solely with the aim of getting their dream wedding; operating under the implanted delusion that getting married is the only thing they want, will solve all their problems, will mean they can get all those wonderful things you find in bride magazines and also get some really cool presents. (Then reality hits.)

Secondly, divorce is much easier to obtain nowadays. Back in the 19^th century, divorce was only possible in the event of adultery. Ergo, once you were married – that was it. It was literally ‘til death do you part.

Here’s what I think we should do to combat this:

1)       Instead of focusing on getting a wedding, throw a ‘wedding’ party – have a party which includes everything you would have at your dream wedding but without the vows. Have that special day without the ‘I do’s. Put all the expense and planning and all you could ever want on that one special occasion but without binding yourself to someone you’re not completely committed to. Then a) you won’t rush into a marriage you don’t actually want just for the sake of getting your dream wedding (as you’ll already have had it) and b) when you do find someone you want to marry it’ll be about your relationship and not the ceremony.

2)       Remove irreconcilable differences as a reason for divorce - it should not be a case of when the going gets tough, give up. If you don’t think your relationship will last forever, don’t promise that it will and if you marry in haste, expect (proverbially) to repent at leisure

Marriage is meant to be a special bond – a way for two people who are certain that they only want to be with each other for the rest of their lives to make that commitment to each other. It is not meant to be an excuse for a party, an opportunity to waste loads of money showing off to your friends or just ‘your special day’ – it is a special day but it is not meant to only be a special DAY.

Marriage is meant to be about love for each other – not lust for material items. If you don’t think you can honestly say that the person you’re getting married to is the only person you want to be with for the rest of your life then you shouldn’t say ‘I do’ – if you’re not happy now then a load of organza, bridal bouquets and toasters is not going to change that.

Above all, people shouldn’t aim for a wedding as one of their life goals – by all means you can aim to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (if that’s what you want) – but not solely aim for a groom.

Henry VIII's Mail Order Bride sketch - Horrific Histories

A return to an old category today as this one definitely takes its inspiration from the Horrible Histories series. I love the online clips and whoever thought of ‘Mullions XP’ is a genius.

Cromwell: My lord

Henry VIII: Mmm? Oh, hello Cromwell.

Cromwell: My lord, I most express my most profound condolences at the death of your wife.

Henry VIII: Well, these things happen.

Cromwell: What are you doing?

Henry VIII: Oh, I’m just having a look of Royal Mail Brides dot com.

Cromwell: I see. Any that take your majesty’s fancy?

Henry VIII: This one seems interesting. Christina of Milan. 16, single, not a bad looker either.

Cromwell: Indeed.

Henry VIII: Mmm. Still I’ve ordered their catalogue so I can get a proper look at them. Holbein should be bringing it any time now. Ah – here he is.

Holbein: Your majesty.

Henry VIII: Hello, Holbein. Is that the catalogue?

Holbein: Indeed it is.

Henry VIII: Excellent. By the way, did you speak to Christina?

Holbein: Er, yes – I did, my lord.

Henry VIII: And?

Holbein: I regret, my lord, that the Princess Christina is… unavailable.

Henry VIII: Unavailable?

Holbein: Yes, my lord.

Henry VIII: What did she say?

Holbein: Yes. She… well, she basically said she didn’t have enough heads for your majesty.

Henry VIII: <chuckles> She’s a card!

Holbein: Yes. Perhaps your majesty would care to look at our other brides.

Henry VIII: All right – let’s have a look at them.

Holbein: Well, we have Louise of Guise. Or Anne of Lorraine.

Henry VIII: Ergh! No. French. Can’t have a French queen.

Holbein: Right. Well, how about… Amelia of Cleves – lovely little thing, bit old-fashioned…

Henry VIII: Mmm. Maybe. Ooh, what a minute. What about this one on the other page?

Holbein: Ah, yes – Anna of Cleves. Nice little runner that. European princess, fluent in German, no previous owner, just 21 years on the clock.

Henry VIII: Nice portrait.

Holbein: Yes, I definitely captured her good side.

Henry VIII: What do you think, Cromwell?

Cromwell: What’s her background, Holbein?

Henry VIII: Daughter of the Duke of Cleves – increasing portion of land in the Emperor’s territories.

Cromwell: Good choice, your majesty.

Henry VIII: Yes, I thought so.

Cromwell: Excellent. Shall I make the necessary arrangements?

Henry VIII: Yes, good idea, Cromwell. Well done, Master Holbein.

Holbein: Oh, believe me, sire. The pleasure was definitely all mine.

Reviewing the Situation - !!!NEW!!!

We have a new Princess Charlotte! Heartfelt congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, to celebrate, a new parody song:

Reviewing The Situation Change To The Succession not from Oliver

Prince George will come first, there’s no doubt
But now there’s news (to) shout about
‘Cause though at first Kate and William had just one child of their own,
We’ve learnt that their little royal family has grown...

There’s a change to the royal succession
But this is not a real cause for much distress
‘Cause instead of one royal baby
We’ve now the addition of a new princess.
Yes her name is Charlotte and we know,
The world will watch her, as she grows,
And learns to be, a true lady,
A figurehead of monarchy.
We’ll love her dear and want to hear.
Her travels, both far and near...

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

A girl like no oth(er), can’t you see,
Born and bred as royalty.
No ordinary child that’s for sure,
As her breeding will show
Her birth is important and something the people
--must know

There’s a change to the royal succession.
And with it Prince Harry now must make his peace!
Although George changed his situation,
He’s now been knocked down the list by his new niece.

Charlotte now comes before Harry.
She’s higher ranking progeny
Yet to this new part of his fam’ly,
He bears her no antipathy
No-one will love her quite like he.
He knows what life for her will be.
He’ll help her be what she can/must be

And to achieve her destiny

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

So what does this mean – practically?
Who is this girl? Actually
Her family’s noble she’s
Related to queens and to kings...
So if you should wonder
The impact that this has on things...

There’s a change to the royal succession,
The queen must make adjustments to her will.
There’s a princess in the palace
Who will learn she has rather large shoes to fill
She’s the daughter of the queen’s grandson,
Her home will be at Kensington,
Her birth caused much celebration
The public love her no question
The crowds gathered outside the gate

To shout congrats to Will & Kate

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

What happens when Prince George is king?
What does this change...everything.
‘Cause until Prince George weds
And his wife bears a child as his heir,
If you look to who comes next in line
You’ll find Charlotte there...

There’s a change to the royal succession.
But although she’ll have a life of luxury
She’ll be faced with great expectations
With her title comes a long list of duties
Just like her mother and father too,
She has a lot of work to do
Grand functions to attend on cue
All followed by her retinue
Her tasks will multiply it’s true
It is her job to see them through

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

Hey!

 

Afternote: I've just learnt that the brilliantly talented actor who originally performed this song has sadly passed away - RIP Ron Moody - thoughts and prayers with your family.

Hush Little Baby sketch - Mercorabilia

Have you ever heard or read a nursery rhyme and wondered about the story behind it? I have...

<Baby crying which continues throughout the dialogue>

Daddy: Ssh, ssh, little baby. Come on, stop crying, there’s a good baby… Coochy coochy coo, No good, huh? Ok, er… well, when nothing else works – try bribery. How about this – if you stop crying, daddy’ll give you…this mockingbird.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – pretty mockingbirdy. Sing for the nice baby.

<Mockingbird stays silent. Sound of baby’s crying starts building again>

Daddy: Won’t sing, huh? Ok, er… ssh, ssh, it’s ok. Daddy’s got rid of the nasty mockingbird. Instead he’s got you… this diamond ring!

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes… oh. Ok – you can have it. Yes – it’s a lovely, shiny…er… brass ring
<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ok – so you didn’t fall for that one. Ooh – I know! How about this looking glass?

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Who’s a pretty baby, eh? Who’s a pretty…

<Looking glass cracks>

Daddy: Not that pretty obviously.

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: No. Ssh, ssh. It’s alright – I didn’t mean it. Er…ok – time to bring out the big guns. If you stop crying – right now – daddy’ll give you… this billy goat.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – lovely billy goat. That’s going to give you a nice ride all around the garden. Go on, Billy. Mush!

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Won’t pull, huh? Ok – well, you can go back where you came from. And we’ll try with this cart and a bull!

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: There we go. Daddy put you in the cart. And off you go.

<Baby starts giggling as cart sets off>

Daddy: There. That’s better, isn’t it? That’s… oh no.

<Crash as cart tips over. Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ssh. Ssh. It’s alright – daddy’s got you. And look what else he’s got you – this… dog.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – he’s called Rover. And he’s got a lovely bark. Go on, Rover. Bark for baby.

<Rover stays silent. Sound of baby’s crying starts building again>

Daddy: I might have guessed this might happen. Just my luck to get a mute mongrel. Ssh. Ssh. It’s ok. Look – Daddy’s got you… a horse and a cart.
<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Here we are. Let’s just put you in here. And off you go!

<Baby starts giggling as cart sets off>

Daddy: Yes – that’s better. Now let’s just hope it doesn’t…

<Crash as cart falls down>

Daddy: Oh no.

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ssh. Ssh. It’s alright. So the horse and cart fell down. That doesn’t matter. Do you know why? Because you’re still the sweetest little baby in town.

<Baby coos>