Henry VIII's Mail Order Bride sketch - Horrific Histories

A return to an old category today as this one definitely takes its inspiration from the Horrible Histories series. I love the online clips and whoever thought of ‘Mullions XP’ is a genius.

Cromwell: My lord

Henry VIII: Mmm? Oh, hello Cromwell.

Cromwell: My lord, I most express my most profound condolences at the death of your wife.

Henry VIII: Well, these things happen.

Cromwell: What are you doing?

Henry VIII: Oh, I’m just having a look of Royal Mail Brides dot com.

Cromwell: I see. Any that take your majesty’s fancy?

Henry VIII: This one seems interesting. Christina of Milan. 16, single, not a bad looker either.

Cromwell: Indeed.

Henry VIII: Mmm. Still I’ve ordered their catalogue so I can get a proper look at them. Holbein should be bringing it any time now. Ah – here he is.

Holbein: Your majesty.

Henry VIII: Hello, Holbein. Is that the catalogue?

Holbein: Indeed it is.

Henry VIII: Excellent. By the way, did you speak to Christina?

Holbein: Er, yes – I did, my lord.

Henry VIII: And?

Holbein: I regret, my lord, that the Princess Christina is… unavailable.

Henry VIII: Unavailable?

Holbein: Yes, my lord.

Henry VIII: What did she say?

Holbein: Yes. She… well, she basically said she didn’t have enough heads for your majesty.

Henry VIII: <chuckles> She’s a card!

Holbein: Yes. Perhaps your majesty would care to look at our other brides.

Henry VIII: All right – let’s have a look at them.

Holbein: Well, we have Louise of Guise. Or Anne of Lorraine.

Henry VIII: Ergh! No. French. Can’t have a French queen.

Holbein: Right. Well, how about… Amelia of Cleves – lovely little thing, bit old-fashioned…

Henry VIII: Mmm. Maybe. Ooh, what a minute. What about this one on the other page?

Holbein: Ah, yes – Anna of Cleves. Nice little runner that. European princess, fluent in German, no previous owner, just 21 years on the clock.

Henry VIII: Nice portrait.

Holbein: Yes, I definitely captured her good side.

Henry VIII: What do you think, Cromwell?

Cromwell: What’s her background, Holbein?

Henry VIII: Daughter of the Duke of Cleves – increasing portion of land in the Emperor’s territories.

Cromwell: Good choice, your majesty.

Henry VIII: Yes, I thought so.

Cromwell: Excellent. Shall I make the necessary arrangements?

Henry VIII: Yes, good idea, Cromwell. Well done, Master Holbein.

Holbein: Oh, believe me, sire. The pleasure was definitely all mine.