King Arthur's Quest - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today with a hint of Python about it (think watery bint in a bikini). The inspiration for this being what if King Arthur's knights were slightly hard of hearing and weren't quite sure what their noble quest was for... 

Arthur: Knights of the Round Table. I have gathered you here today to ask you to embark on a great and noble quest.

Galahad: And what is that, oh king?

Arthur: I wish you to go out into the world and bring me back... The Holy Grail.

<fanfare>

Galahad: Are you sure?

Arthur: What do you mean – am I sure?

Galahad: Well, personally I can’t see anything wrong with the mail you’ve got on. What would you want some new stuff?

Arthur: Not mail – you idiots. Grail. The Holy Grail.

Galahad: Oh, right. Ok then. Shan’t be long.

<knights leave whistling merrily>

Arthur: Should I be worried, Merlin?

Merlin: I shouldn’t think so, sire. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.

Arthur: Hmm. Still they did seem to get confused over the distinction between mail and grail.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: That was quick.

Galahad: Well, it didn’t take long, you know. And we have found the object you seek.

Arthur: Really? Already? Where is it?

Galahad: Behold! <produces a weapon which clinks noisily> The Holy Flail.

Arthur: The Holy Fl.... Not flail, you metal morons. Grail. Grail. Got it.

Galahad: A thousand apologies, oh mighty king. We’ll try again.

Arthur: Just see that you get it right this time.

<knights leave>

Arthur: Honestly – you just can’t get the staff these days.

Merlin: Very well handled, sire.

Arthur: I guess I should have known this would happen when they thought I said mail first time.

Merlin: Well, to be fair, sire. You’re beard does rather obscure your voice a bit. Have you considered getting it trimmed?

Arthur: Are you suggesting that I..? Oh they’re back again.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: So I see. Did you get it?

Galahad: Yes, sire – behold.

<a bucket is placed on the floor in front of the king>

Arthur: Er... what is that?

Galahad: It is... The Holy Pail.

Arthur: Oh, for crying out loud. What is wrong with all of you? All that mead’s clouding your brain. Go back out there and find – listen closely – the Holy Gr-ail.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<knights leave>

Arthur: What am I supposed to do with this heap of rubbish?

Merlin: Why don’t you chuck it in the lake?

Arthur: Oh, I can’t do that.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake keeps chucking it back at me. Something about I’m ruining a site of natural beauty.

Merlin: Really?

Arthur: Yes. By the way – what’s Greenpeace?

Merlin: I’ve no idea, sire. Some new form of gentleman’s attire – a green codpiece?

Arthur: Oh, look who’s back.

Galahad: Sire – we have returned. We journeyed far and wide and we have found you did seek.

Arthur: You’re sure?

Galahad: Indeed, sire.

Arthur: Where is it then?

Galahad: I have it here in my hands, sire. Behold. <opens his hands to reveal a baby bird> The Holy Quail.

<Quail cheeps>

Arthur: Oh for pity’s sake. Look – I’m giving you just one more chance to get this right. This is your last warning. I want you to find... The... Holy... Gra-il. Now off you go. And don’t you dare come back without it.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<time passes>

Arthur: What can be taking them so long? They’ve been gone months.

Merlin: Well, you did say not to come back without it.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve forgotten what I said. Oh, wait - here they are.

Galahad: Sire, we have returned. We have travelled long and far and finally we wish to present you with this treasured relic which cost us 7 ducats to obtain. <knight holds out a relic wrapped in cloth>

Arthur: And you’re sure it’s the right one this time?

Galahad: Certain, sire. Behold. <knight uncovers the relic> The Holy Nail.

Arthur: Right. That’s it. I told you this was your last warning. You’ve been gone months and all you’ve got to show for it is some manky old bit of metalwork – which probably came out of one your saddles/suits of armour. Well, I’ve had enough. You can all think about what you’ve done in gaol. Guards!

Galahad: But, sire, what else could you expect us to do? We followed the Holy Trail as far as we could go.

Arthur: And you found nothing else?

Galahad: Well, actually, sire, there was other thing we came across.

Arthur: What is it?

Galahad: It’s this goblet.

<goblet produced along with angelic choral singing>

Arthur: Yes! Yes – that’s it!

Galahad: That’s it? Really? After all this time all you wanted was a beat up bit of tableware.

Arthur: Yes!

Galahad: Oh, well you should have said.