King Arthur's Quest - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today with a hint of Python about it (think watery bint in a bikini). The inspiration for this being what if King Arthur's knights were slightly hard of hearing and weren't quite sure what their noble quest was for... 

Arthur: Knights of the Round Table. I have gathered you here today to ask you to embark on a great and noble quest.

Galahad: And what is that, oh king?

Arthur: I wish you to go out into the world and bring me back... The Holy Grail.

<fanfare>

Galahad: Are you sure?

Arthur: What do you mean – am I sure?

Galahad: Well, personally I can’t see anything wrong with the mail you’ve got on. What would you want some new stuff?

Arthur: Not mail – you idiots. Grail. The Holy Grail.

Galahad: Oh, right. Ok then. Shan’t be long.

<knights leave whistling merrily>

Arthur: Should I be worried, Merlin?

Merlin: I shouldn’t think so, sire. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.

Arthur: Hmm. Still they did seem to get confused over the distinction between mail and grail.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: That was quick.

Galahad: Well, it didn’t take long, you know. And we have found the object you seek.

Arthur: Really? Already? Where is it?

Galahad: Behold! <produces a weapon which clinks noisily> The Holy Flail.

Arthur: The Holy Fl.... Not flail, you metal morons. Grail. Grail. Got it.

Galahad: A thousand apologies, oh mighty king. We’ll try again.

Arthur: Just see that you get it right this time.

<knights leave>

Arthur: Honestly – you just can’t get the staff these days.

Merlin: Very well handled, sire.

Arthur: I guess I should have known this would happen when they thought I said mail first time.

Merlin: Well, to be fair, sire. You’re beard does rather obscure your voice a bit. Have you considered getting it trimmed?

Arthur: Are you suggesting that I..? Oh they’re back again.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: So I see. Did you get it?

Galahad: Yes, sire – behold.

<a bucket is placed on the floor in front of the king>

Arthur: Er... what is that?

Galahad: It is... The Holy Pail.

Arthur: Oh, for crying out loud. What is wrong with all of you? All that mead’s clouding your brain. Go back out there and find – listen closely – the Holy Gr-ail.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<knights leave>

Arthur: What am I supposed to do with this heap of rubbish?

Merlin: Why don’t you chuck it in the lake?

Arthur: Oh, I can’t do that.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake keeps chucking it back at me. Something about I’m ruining a site of natural beauty.

Merlin: Really?

Arthur: Yes. By the way – what’s Greenpeace?

Merlin: I’ve no idea, sire. Some new form of gentleman’s attire – a green codpiece?

Arthur: Oh, look who’s back.

Galahad: Sire – we have returned. We journeyed far and wide and we have found you did seek.

Arthur: You’re sure?

Galahad: Indeed, sire.

Arthur: Where is it then?

Galahad: I have it here in my hands, sire. Behold. <opens his hands to reveal a baby bird> The Holy Quail.

<Quail cheeps>

Arthur: Oh for pity’s sake. Look – I’m giving you just one more chance to get this right. This is your last warning. I want you to find... The... Holy... Gra-il. Now off you go. And don’t you dare come back without it.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<time passes>

Arthur: What can be taking them so long? They’ve been gone months.

Merlin: Well, you did say not to come back without it.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve forgotten what I said. Oh, wait - here they are.

Galahad: Sire, we have returned. We have travelled long and far and finally we wish to present you with this treasured relic which cost us 7 ducats to obtain. <knight holds out a relic wrapped in cloth>

Arthur: And you’re sure it’s the right one this time?

Galahad: Certain, sire. Behold. <knight uncovers the relic> The Holy Nail.

Arthur: Right. That’s it. I told you this was your last warning. You’ve been gone months and all you’ve got to show for it is some manky old bit of metalwork – which probably came out of one your saddles/suits of armour. Well, I’ve had enough. You can all think about what you’ve done in gaol. Guards!

Galahad: But, sire, what else could you expect us to do? We followed the Holy Trail as far as we could go.

Arthur: And you found nothing else?

Galahad: Well, actually, sire, there was other thing we came across.

Arthur: What is it?

Galahad: It’s this goblet.

<goblet produced along with angelic choral singing>

Arthur: Yes! Yes – that’s it!

Galahad: That’s it? Really? After all this time all you wanted was a beat up bit of tableware.

Arthur: Yes!

Galahad: Oh, well you should have said.

Greek Banking sketch - Mercorabilia

Isn’t the Greek banking crisis interesting? Not just for the situation they’re in but their reaction to it – it’s like they’re saying “I need some money but I’ll only accept it on these terms”. Imagine if someone went into a bank with that approach…

Customer: I need some money.

Bank: Ok – how much.

Customer: About €7.2 billion.

Bank: And what is this for?

Customer: Well I’ve got to make a payment on a loan from another bank, I need to pay the interest on a payment I got a while back and some of it’s to pay back the money I borrowed from you before.

Bank: I see. Well, we’ll lend you the money but only if you agree to our terms.

Customer: And those are…?

Bank: Cut your spending, contribute more in taxes and don’t focus on early retirement.

Customer: But they sound horrible.

Bank: Yes, but with a credit rating like yours…

Customer: Hmm. Tell you what. I’ll borrow the money but only if you agree to my terms. And my terms are that I don’t have to do any of the things you just said.

Bank: I don’t think you understand how this works.

Customer: But your terms aren’t any fun. And it’s not the way I do things.

Bank: But if you don’t accept our terms you’ll go bankrupt – you won’t be able to meet any of your financial obligations, your credit rating will be non-existent and all the agreements you’ve entered into will be worthless.

Customer: I know – I’ll talk to my people and see what they say.

Bank: About what?

Customer: Whether or not to accept your terms.

Bank: I don’t think you’re getting this. You need help – even if we give you money you’ll need help because if you continue the way you have been then you’ll just end up needing more and more money. And no-one is going to want to just pour money into a bottomless pit.

Customer: Well, what do you suggest I do?

Bank: Accept the terms!

Customer: Why would I want to do that?

Bank: Gaaah!

The crisis is already starting to impact on the country as their cash supplies dwindle. Imagine what this could mean for future bank transactions…

Bank: Hello. Welcome to The Bank. How can I help you?

Customer: I’d like to withdraw some money.

Bank: Sorry – can’t help you.

Customer: What?

Bank: We can’t do that.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: We haven’t got any money.

Customer: But you’re a bank!

Bank: Yes – but that doesn’t mean we’ve got any money.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Politics. Didn’t you bring any money with you?

Customer: I thought by bringing my bank card with me that’s what I was doing.

Bank: Ah – classic mistake, that.

Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Bank: (after a pause) How are your busking skills?

 

Addendum

Since I wrote the above (2 days ago), the situation has developed:

Customer: Good news!

Bank: What’s that?

Customer: I won’t be needing your money.

Bank: You’ve decided to take action to improve your finances?

Customer: Nope – I spoke to my people and they didn’t like your terms so I won’t be taking your money.

Bank: You won’t?

Customer: No – my people really didn’t like the idea of making all those changes so I won’t be doing them.

Bank: But you need this money!

Customer: True – but I need my people to be happy more.

Bank: But they won’t be happy without any money.

Customer: We’ll sort something out

Bank: Good luck with that.

From The Mind of Merc - Weddings

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about weddings.

According to recent statistics, approximately 42% of marriages end in divorce – meaning almost half of the couples walking blissfully down the aisle will not last.

I have a theory as to why this is:

Firstly, the idea of a ‘perfect’ wedding is drummed into women from a fairly age and it is epitomised - quite extensively - as being the only thing a girl could hope or rather aim to achieve. (An important distinction here being that they are not encouraged to want or look for a marriage – just a wedding.) Consequently, millions of girls will seek that ‘one ring’ to please them all solely with the aim of getting their dream wedding; operating under the implanted delusion that getting married is the only thing they want, will solve all their problems, will mean they can get all those wonderful things you find in bride magazines and also get some really cool presents. (Then reality hits.)

Secondly, divorce is much easier to obtain nowadays. Back in the 19^th century, divorce was only possible in the event of adultery. Ergo, once you were married – that was it. It was literally ‘til death do you part.

Here’s what I think we should do to combat this:

1)       Instead of focusing on getting a wedding, throw a ‘wedding’ party – have a party which includes everything you would have at your dream wedding but without the vows. Have that special day without the ‘I do’s. Put all the expense and planning and all you could ever want on that one special occasion but without binding yourself to someone you’re not completely committed to. Then a) you won’t rush into a marriage you don’t actually want just for the sake of getting your dream wedding (as you’ll already have had it) and b) when you do find someone you want to marry it’ll be about your relationship and not the ceremony.

2)       Remove irreconcilable differences as a reason for divorce - it should not be a case of when the going gets tough, give up. If you don’t think your relationship will last forever, don’t promise that it will and if you marry in haste, expect (proverbially) to repent at leisure

Marriage is meant to be a special bond – a way for two people who are certain that they only want to be with each other for the rest of their lives to make that commitment to each other. It is not meant to be an excuse for a party, an opportunity to waste loads of money showing off to your friends or just ‘your special day’ – it is a special day but it is not meant to only be a special DAY.

Marriage is meant to be about love for each other – not lust for material items. If you don’t think you can honestly say that the person you’re getting married to is the only person you want to be with for the rest of your life then you shouldn’t say ‘I do’ – if you’re not happy now then a load of organza, bridal bouquets and toasters is not going to change that.

Above all, people shouldn’t aim for a wedding as one of their life goals – by all means you can aim to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (if that’s what you want) – but not solely aim for a groom.

Henry VIII's Mail Order Bride sketch - Horrific Histories

A return to an old category today as this one definitely takes its inspiration from the Horrible Histories series. I love the online clips and whoever thought of ‘Mullions XP’ is a genius.

Cromwell: My lord

Henry VIII: Mmm? Oh, hello Cromwell.

Cromwell: My lord, I most express my most profound condolences at the death of your wife.

Henry VIII: Well, these things happen.

Cromwell: What are you doing?

Henry VIII: Oh, I’m just having a look of Royal Mail Brides dot com.

Cromwell: I see. Any that take your majesty’s fancy?

Henry VIII: This one seems interesting. Christina of Milan. 16, single, not a bad looker either.

Cromwell: Indeed.

Henry VIII: Mmm. Still I’ve ordered their catalogue so I can get a proper look at them. Holbein should be bringing it any time now. Ah – here he is.

Holbein: Your majesty.

Henry VIII: Hello, Holbein. Is that the catalogue?

Holbein: Indeed it is.

Henry VIII: Excellent. By the way, did you speak to Christina?

Holbein: Er, yes – I did, my lord.

Henry VIII: And?

Holbein: I regret, my lord, that the Princess Christina is… unavailable.

Henry VIII: Unavailable?

Holbein: Yes, my lord.

Henry VIII: What did she say?

Holbein: Yes. She… well, she basically said she didn’t have enough heads for your majesty.

Henry VIII: <chuckles> She’s a card!

Holbein: Yes. Perhaps your majesty would care to look at our other brides.

Henry VIII: All right – let’s have a look at them.

Holbein: Well, we have Louise of Guise. Or Anne of Lorraine.

Henry VIII: Ergh! No. French. Can’t have a French queen.

Holbein: Right. Well, how about… Amelia of Cleves – lovely little thing, bit old-fashioned…

Henry VIII: Mmm. Maybe. Ooh, what a minute. What about this one on the other page?

Holbein: Ah, yes – Anna of Cleves. Nice little runner that. European princess, fluent in German, no previous owner, just 21 years on the clock.

Henry VIII: Nice portrait.

Holbein: Yes, I definitely captured her good side.

Henry VIII: What do you think, Cromwell?

Cromwell: What’s her background, Holbein?

Henry VIII: Daughter of the Duke of Cleves – increasing portion of land in the Emperor’s territories.

Cromwell: Good choice, your majesty.

Henry VIII: Yes, I thought so.

Cromwell: Excellent. Shall I make the necessary arrangements?

Henry VIII: Yes, good idea, Cromwell. Well done, Master Holbein.

Holbein: Oh, believe me, sire. The pleasure was definitely all mine.

Reviewing the Situation - !!!NEW!!!

We have a new Princess Charlotte! Heartfelt congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, to celebrate, a new parody song:

Reviewing The Situation Change To The Succession not from Oliver

Prince George will come first, there’s no doubt
But now there’s news (to) shout about
‘Cause though at first Kate and William had just one child of their own,
We’ve learnt that their little royal family has grown...

There’s a change to the royal succession
But this is not a real cause for much distress
‘Cause instead of one royal baby
We’ve now the addition of a new princess.
Yes her name is Charlotte and we know,
The world will watch her, as she grows,
And learns to be, a true lady,
A figurehead of monarchy.
We’ll love her dear and want to hear.
Her travels, both far and near...

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

A girl like no oth(er), can’t you see,
Born and bred as royalty.
No ordinary child that’s for sure,
As her breeding will show
Her birth is important and something the people
--must know

There’s a change to the royal succession.
And with it Prince Harry now must make his peace!
Although George changed his situation,
He’s now been knocked down the list by his new niece.

Charlotte now comes before Harry.
She’s higher ranking progeny
Yet to this new part of his fam’ly,
He bears her no antipathy
No-one will love her quite like he.
He knows what life for her will be.
He’ll help her be what she can/must be

And to achieve her destiny

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

So what does this mean – practically?
Who is this girl? Actually
Her family’s noble she’s
Related to queens and to kings...
So if you should wonder
The impact that this has on things...

There’s a change to the royal succession,
The queen must make adjustments to her will.
There’s a princess in the palace
Who will learn she has rather large shoes to fill
She’s the daughter of the queen’s grandson,
Her home will be at Kensington,
Her birth caused much celebration
The public love her no question
The crowds gathered outside the gate

To shout congrats to Will & Kate

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

What happens when Prince George is king?
What does this change...everything.
‘Cause until Prince George weds
And his wife bears a child as his heir,
If you look to who comes next in line
You’ll find Charlotte there...

There’s a change to the royal succession.
But although she’ll have a life of luxury
She’ll be faced with great expectations
With her title comes a long list of duties
Just like her mother and father too,
She has a lot of work to do
Grand functions to attend on cue
All followed by her retinue
Her tasks will multiply it’s true
It is her job to see them through

‘Cause she is the fourth in line to the throne.

Hey!

 

Afternote: I've just learnt that the brilliantly talented actor who originally performed this song has sadly passed away - RIP Ron Moody - thoughts and prayers with your family.

Hush Little Baby sketch - Mercorabilia

Have you ever heard or read a nursery rhyme and wondered about the story behind it? I have...

<Baby crying which continues throughout the dialogue>

Daddy: Ssh, ssh, little baby. Come on, stop crying, there’s a good baby… Coochy coochy coo, No good, huh? Ok, er… well, when nothing else works – try bribery. How about this – if you stop crying, daddy’ll give you…this mockingbird.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – pretty mockingbirdy. Sing for the nice baby.

<Mockingbird stays silent. Sound of baby’s crying starts building again>

Daddy: Won’t sing, huh? Ok, er… ssh, ssh, it’s ok. Daddy’s got rid of the nasty mockingbird. Instead he’s got you… this diamond ring!

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes… oh. Ok – you can have it. Yes – it’s a lovely, shiny…er… brass ring
<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ok – so you didn’t fall for that one. Ooh – I know! How about this looking glass?

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Who’s a pretty baby, eh? Who’s a pretty…

<Looking glass cracks>

Daddy: Not that pretty obviously.

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: No. Ssh, ssh. It’s alright – I didn’t mean it. Er…ok – time to bring out the big guns. If you stop crying – right now – daddy’ll give you… this billy goat.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – lovely billy goat. That’s going to give you a nice ride all around the garden. Go on, Billy. Mush!

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Won’t pull, huh? Ok – well, you can go back where you came from. And we’ll try with this cart and a bull!

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: There we go. Daddy put you in the cart. And off you go.

<Baby starts giggling as cart sets off>

Daddy: There. That’s better, isn’t it? That’s… oh no.

<Crash as cart tips over. Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ssh. Ssh. It’s alright – daddy’s got you. And look what else he’s got you – this… dog.

<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Yes – he’s called Rover. And he’s got a lovely bark. Go on, Rover. Bark for baby.

<Rover stays silent. Sound of baby’s crying starts building again>

Daddy: I might have guessed this might happen. Just my luck to get a mute mongrel. Ssh. Ssh. It’s ok. Look – Daddy’s got you… a horse and a cart.
<Baby’s crying quietens>

Daddy: Here we are. Let’s just put you in here. And off you go!

<Baby starts giggling as cart sets off>

Daddy: Yes – that’s better. Now let’s just hope it doesn’t…

<Crash as cart falls down>

Daddy: Oh no.

<Baby’s crying starts up again>

Daddy: Ssh. Ssh. It’s alright. So the horse and cart fell down. That doesn’t matter. Do you know why? Because you’re still the sweetest little baby in town.

<Baby coos>

From The Mind of Merc - Chicken and Egg

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about what is generally viewed as the unsolvable issue of the Chicken and Egg.

It seems to many an inescapable riddle as to which came first – was it the chicken or was it the egg?

Personally, I don’t consider this particularly difficult to work out. The answer is the chicken. Problem solved.

If you’re wondering how or why I came to this conclusion then basically, it’s because you would need a chicken to produce an egg (to produce a chicken to produce an egg – ad nauseum).

While it is could be said that you need an egg to get a chicken, without a chicken the egg will not hatch – ergo an egg on its own would be useless/pointless – the chicken would need to be first.

Whether you prefer the creationist view or evolutionist view the same would hold true as in the creationist theory a chicken would have been created along with all the other animals and in an evolutionist view a chicken would have evolved along with all the other animals – i.e. regardless of whether it is a live-young-birthing mammal or an egg-laying bird it would have developed from another organism.

Of course, if I have overlooked a crucial detail in my solution I would be happy to be enlightened.

Hot Stuff - !!!NEW!!!

A (very) slight twist on the Donna Summer classic - which changes the meaning entirely. One for the curry lovers.

 

Hot Stuff not by Donna Summer

Sitting here eating my nails and waiting
Waiting for the rest’rant to call
Ordered about a thousand portions and they
Said that they’d be no time at all

Waiting for some hot stuff baby this evening
I need some hot stuff baby tonight
I want some hot stuff baby this evening
Got to have some hot stuff
Got to have some food tonight
I need hot stuff
I want some hot stuff
I need some hot stuff

Waiting for a chance to placate my hunger
Don't want to have to wait any more
Want to get stuck into a warm spicy platter
Want to bring my take’way back home

Got to have some hot stuff baby this evening
I need some hot stuff baby tonight
I want some hot stuff baby this evening
Got to do some scoffing
Got to have food tonight
I need hot stuff
Hot stuff
Waiting for hot stuff

[Instrumental Interlude]

How's about some hot stuff baby this evening
I need some hot stuff baby tonight
Waiting for my hot stuff baby this evening
I need some hot stuff baby tonight, yeah-yeah
I want some hot stuff this evening
I want some hot stuff baby tonight

Anne Boleympics - Mercorabilia

Today I’ve been playing around with a sketch which I guess owes some inspiration to the Horrible Histories series. Please excuse the terrible pun at the beginning:

Commentator 1: And you join us here today for the final leg of the Anne Boleympics. Up first is the hurdles. She’s under father’s orders. And she’s off. She making good progress so far as she approaches the first hurdle. She’s past Cardinal Wolsey, she’s past Catherine of Aragon, she’s broken through Rome! And she’s on the throne stretch...

Commentator 1: Let’s move across now to the wrestling which is a two person event with her training partner, Henry, and...oh! I’m sorry – it’s appears that event is censored.

Commentator 1: Anyway we’re onto the final event now. The child bearing. A particularly difficult task this one. She’s been working on it for 9 months and let’s go over to Ted now in the confinement chamber and see what she can do. Ted.

Commentator 2: Thank you, Bill. Well, she’s been in the confinement chamber now for quite some time and the crowd are all waiting with baited breath to see how this turns out. I think, yes, I’m being told there are signs that she’s nearing the end of this event. Here it comes... She needs a son to win gold and... oh! And it’s a girl. That’s disappointing. Well better luck next time, Anne. Back to you, Bill.

Commentator 1: Thanks, Ted. And a quick word now with her training partner – Henry. Henry – all that work and only a son to show for it. I’ve no doubt you’re disappointed.

Henry: Of course I am! I had high hopes for that girl and she goes at lets me down just at the crucial moment.

Commentator 1: Well, there’s always another year and who knows maybe next time she’ll make the cut.

Henry: Let’s hope for her sake she doesn’t.

Bring Me Sunshine sketch - Mercorabilia

Sorry for not putting up any posts so far this month but new job took up more of my time than I’d anticipated. Anyway to celebrate (in a way) the bout of fine weather we seem to be going through I came up with this – an imagining of a possible conversation in the sky on a slightly overcast day.

Sun: Excuse me. Excuse me – could I just get through here?

Cloud 1: Do you mind? Wait your turn.

Sun: But it’s the daytime! People need to see the sun in the daytime.

Cloud 2: Oi! Stop pushing! We were here first!
Sun: (getting annoyed) What does that matter? Nobody wants you!”

Cloud 2: <sniffs> Well there’s no need to be like that, is there? <whimpering> After all, I wasn’t doing no harm <sobbing>

Cloud 1: Now you’ve made him cry.

Cloud 2: <sobbing gradually fades>

Sun: He’s evaporated!

Cloud 1: That always happens. Don’t worry – he’ll be back.

Sun: Well, while we wait I think I’ll just slot myself in here. Hey!

Cloud 3: Watch it!
Sun: Excuse me - I was here.

Cloud 3: Yeah – you was.

Sun:  Well, honestly! Now what am I supposed to do?
Cloud 1: I told you - wait your turn.

Sun: How long for?
Cloud 1: I dunno. Weather forecast said it’d be brighter tomorrow. Why don’t you try again then?

Sun: Alright – I will!