Tomato sketch - Mercorabilia

This month's catch-up starts with an observation on the simple act of eating a tomato. Was it always this simple?

Judge: Goody Badwife – you have been found guilty of the heinous crime of witchcraft and you have been sentenced to the most hideous of punishments – death… by tomato.
Crowd: <gasps>
Prisoner: No! Please! Anything but that!
Judge: Silence! The tomato, as we all know, is a member of the deadly nightshade family and thus an extremely poisonous plant. It will leave you writhing in hideous agony until your agonising and excruciating death.
Prisoner: No! Please! Give me another chance! If only I could…
Judge: Enough! Executioner – bring forth… the tomato.
Crowd: Ooh. Aah. Ohhh.
Judge: Now… eat!
Prisoner: <chewing> Er. Oh. Ugh. Ah!
Judge: Yes, that’s the poison now coursing through your veins as the agony takes hold of your body. Tell us now - how do you feel?
Prisoner: Er…. I feel fine actually. This is actually really good. Little bit unripe maybe.
Judge: What?!? That proves it – she must be a witch. No human could eat a tomato and live!
Villager: Uh… actually I have.
Judge: You have?
Villager: Yes. And she’s right – they’re rather nice actually.
Judge: Why didn’t you say anything?
Villager: Well, when you said they were so poisonous I figured maybe what I’d eaten hadn’t been a tomato after all. Turns out it was.
Judge: But this is preposterous! We can’t sentence someone to death and only have them eat a slightly unripe vegetable.
Prisoner: Well, I don’t really mind to be honest.
Judge: You don’t count. You’re the condemned party. We’ll have to come up with something else instead.
Prisoner: Oh, well. In the meantime have you got a napkin or something to wipe this tomato juice off with?
Judge: Napkin?!? We don’t waste napkins on witches. Executioner – chuck her in that lake to wash the juice off while we think of another punishment for her.
Prisoner: What? No! Wait! Please! I can’t swim!
<Splash>
Prisoner: Gurgle. Glug. Glug. Glug.
Judge: Hmm. It seems we’ve found our new method. 

Anne Boleympics - Mercorabilia

Today I’ve been playing around with a sketch which I guess owes some inspiration to the Horrible Histories series. Please excuse the terrible pun at the beginning:

Commentator 1: And you join us here today for the final leg of the Anne Boleympics. Up first is the hurdles. She’s under father’s orders. And she’s off. She making good progress so far as she approaches the first hurdle. She’s past Cardinal Wolsey, she’s past Catherine of Aragon, she’s broken through Rome! And she’s on the throne stretch...

Commentator 1: Let’s move across now to the wrestling which is a two person event with her training partner, Henry, and...oh! I’m sorry – it’s appears that event is censored.

Commentator 1: Anyway we’re onto the final event now. The child bearing. A particularly difficult task this one. She’s been working on it for 9 months and let’s go over to Ted now in the confinement chamber and see what she can do. Ted.

Commentator 2: Thank you, Bill. Well, she’s been in the confinement chamber now for quite some time and the crowd are all waiting with baited breath to see how this turns out. I think, yes, I’m being told there are signs that she’s nearing the end of this event. Here it comes... She needs a son to win gold and... oh! And it’s a girl. That’s disappointing. Well better luck next time, Anne. Back to you, Bill.

Commentator 1: Thanks, Ted. And a quick word now with her training partner – Henry. Henry – all that work and only a son to show for it. I’ve no doubt you’re disappointed.

Henry: Of course I am! I had high hopes for that girl and she goes at lets me down just at the crucial moment.

Commentator 1: Well, there’s always another year and who knows maybe next time she’ll make the cut.

Henry: Let’s hope for her sake she doesn’t.