F*ck You - !!!NEW!!!

There's a distinctive theme to this month's posts - but a worthy one I feel - starting with a message for Mr Sunak.

F*ck You not by Lily Allen
Look at it, look at all of the shambles that you have created
We are all so fed up
Of the lies you make up and that’s why we’re frustrated 

‘Cause you say that it's okay for more pay, unless you’re in NHS
You're an elitist who should be defeatist
Your point of view causes distress

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And Patel and Truss too
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause you’re so out-of-date
And you’ve screwed the whole state
Go. And don't stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being so heartless?
You want to be like the Churchill, you’re convinced that you are brill
But your campaign is worthless

Do you, do you really enjoy making lives so miserable?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
Your disdain is plain to see, you have proved you’re unable

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And Rees-Mogg and Raab too
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause you’re so out-of-date
And you’ve screwed the whole state
Go. And don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say, you think we need to vote Tory, to fix the mess that you made
But it's people like you that we need to shoo
No one wants you to have stayed

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
Braverman and Hunt too
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (Fuck you), fuck you very, very much
'Cause you’re so out-of-date
And you’ve screwed the whole state
Go. And don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you

From The Mind of Merc - The Tudor Dynasty Portrait

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the Dynasty or Succession portrait of Henry VIII which was painted c.1545.

In it, Henry is shown seated between his son, Edward, and his third wife, Jane Seymour, with his two other daughters – Mary and Elizabeth – depicted either side of the painting.

What is perhaps odd about this is that, at the time, Henry was actually married to Catherine Parr – his sixth wife. Although the replacement can be understandable given that Jane was the mother of Edward – his one son and heir – what intrigued me was Jane’s clothing.

The most well-known image of Jane Seymour is the ornate and detailed portrait by Hans Holbein the Younger which shows her attired in a rich red velvet gown whereas in the dynasty portrait she wears what is presumably a cloth of gold gown.

While there is a secondary posthumous image of Jane dressed in a gold gown, there is also a portrait of Catherine Parr (previously misidentified as Lady Jane Grey) in which she wears clothing which bears a striking resemblance to that worn by Jane Seymour in the dynasty painting – gold gown with ermine(?) sleeves and a red kirtle and foresleeves – even the pendant is identical (although this is likely due to it probably being a piece from the queen’s jewellery). 

Given the date of this portrait is also c.1545, it suggests that it is Catherine who is being depicted in – and presumably who sat for – the image and Jane’s head was superimposed at Henry’s instruction(?) – i.e. if the gold gown was not a hand-me-down to Catherine from a previous queen, then it is an item that belonged to, and was worn, by her and not Jane.

Associated with this is the fact that Jane and Catherine share several striking similarities:-
1.       Both women married Henry VIII (obviously) after his previous wife was executed:
       -      Jane’s marriage was on 30^th May 1536 – 11 days after Anne Boleyn’s execution)
       -      Catherine’s marriage was on 12^th July 1543 – 5 months after Catherine Howard’s execution)

2.       They both faced uncertainty and danger during their time as queen (and both ‘learned their lesson’):
       -      Jane attempted to speak up for the rebels of the Pilgrimage of Grace and was told to “Remember Anne” – she did and refrained from repeating her ‘error’
       -      Catherine had an arrest warrant issued for her following an argument – fortunately she learned of this and was able to dissuade the king from enacting it

3.       Both had only 1 child:

       -      Jane’s son, Edward, was born 12^th October 1537
       -      Catherine’s daughter, Mary, was born 30^th August 1548

4.       They both died shortly after the birth of their only child – presumably of ‘childbed’ or puerperal fever:

       -      Jane died 12 days after the birth of her son on 24^th October 1537
       -      Catherine died 6 days after the birth of her daughter on 5^th September 1548

5.       Both of their children died young:

       -      Edward died aged 15 on 6^th July 1553
       -      Mary is believed to have died around the age of 2 as no record of her exists after this time

6.       And, finally, they effectively ended up being related given Catherine’s last husband was Thomas Seymour – Jane’s brother.

Fitzroy Fitzroy

And here's the second - reverting to my familiar Tudor theme and reusing a Bowie classic.

Rebel Rebel Fitzroy Fitzroy not by David Bowie
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo 

Born the son of King Henry eight
Was thrilled with you he thought you were so great
A son, that’s just the thing
A son, to please this king
Needs a prince, for the fam’ly line
Just a daughter after all this time
Then you come and he claims to know
Exactly where the blame should go
It must be down to Aragon
You just watch, soon she’ll be gone

Fitzroy Fitzroy, the king’s bastard
Fitzroy Fitzroy, you’re his flesh and blood
Fitzroy Fitzroy, a shining star
Duke of Richmond you are! 

Oh yeah!
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo 

Born the son of King Henry eight
Was thrilled with you he thought you were so great
A son, that’s just the thing
A son, to please this king
Needs a prince, for the fam’ly line
Just a daughter after all this time
Then you come and he claims to know
Exactly where the blame should go
It must be down to Aragon
You just watch, soon she’ll be gone 

Fitzroy Fitzroy, the king’s bastard
Fitzroy Fitzroy, you’re his child preferred/flesh and blood
Fitzroy Fitzroy, a shining star
Duke of Richmond you are!

Oh yeah!
Oh!
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo 

Fitzroy Fitzroy, the king’s bastard
Fitzroy Fitzroy, you’re his flesh and blood
Fitzroy Fitzroy, a shining star
Duke of Richmond you are!

The king’s bastard, his flesh and blood
The one he accepts, the one he thinks is good
Because you proved that he could father sons
He’ll give you titles and money and land
Who knows what other things the king has planned
You’re the king’s bastard
And you’re his child preferred
Because you’re his flesh and blood
But it won’t be long
Until your swan song 

‘Cause soon you’ve got to go
A short lived child, uh-huh, uh-huh
Soon you’ve gotta go
When you are just nineteen, you’ll have to leave the scene
You’re the king’s bastard
And you’re his flesh and blood
Ooh, you’re his flesh and blood
Ooh, ooh, but you’ve got to go
Eh, eh, you’ve got to go
Eh, eh

Six Fingered Killer - !!!NEW!!!

Welcome to the first of May's posts. And here we have a number which I first heard on the Goon Show reworked to reference a classic cult villain.

Three Handed Woman Six Fingered Killer not by Louis Prima
He’s a six fingered killer, a six fingered killer
He’s got a thumb, a pinkie, (and) four other fingers too
He’s a six fingered killer and you know just what to do
Yeah he’s a six fingered killer and he ain’t done good to you 

When you were just a child he came to visit your home
He’d heard about the skills your dad spent years trying to hone
He wanted a brand new sword and they agreed on a price
But when he came back to get it, he was not so nice.

He’s a six fingered killer and you know just what to do
Yeah he’s a six fingered killer and he ain’t done good to you

He wanted his new sword but, he didn’t want to pay it’s worth
When your dad refused he stabbed him and left him there in the dirt
You tried to get your own back but he won and he left you scarred
But you still seek your revenge for it from Humperdinck’s guard

He’s a six fingered killer and you know just what to do
Yeah he’s a six fingered killer and he ain’t done good to you

Now with Westley and with Fezzik you’ve a chance to right the wrong
For thinking that your dad would let it just go for a song
He turned your whole world upside down, now it’s time he paid his due
So take that sword he won’t pay for and then run him through

Yeah he’s a six fingered killer and he ain’t done good to you
You’ve no money, no power, but you can start anew

From The Mind of Merc - Getting Old

And April's

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about turning 40 - which I'll be doing on Saturday.

I always say I favour Dave Allen's approach to ageing. So I thought I'd share that.

Raleigh's Cloak sketch

And here's the second of April's posts dealing with an infamous anecdote of Sir Walter Raleigh. 

<Fanfare>
Raleigh: Your majesty.
Elizabeth: Oh, hello, Sir Walter.
Raleigh: What an honour to see you out and about, my queen. Especially on such an inclement day as this.
Elizabeth: Yes, it is rather bleak, isn’t it?
Raleigh: Ah! A puddle! And right in your path. Fear not, my lady – I will save you.
<whips off cloak and lays it over puddle>
Elizabeth: That’s it, is it?
Raleigh: Your majesty?
Elizabeth: How’s that supposed to help?
Raleigh: Well, I… I thought it might prevent your feet from getting wet. After all, they must have cost a fortune.
Elizabeth: They did. But I still don’t see how that’s going to help?
Raleigh: But, my queen, how could it not?
Elizabeth: Particularly thick, your cloak?
Raleigh: Well, not especially, your majesty. I mean, it’s just a capelet. So…
Elizabeth: Thicker than that puddle?
Raleigh: Probably not.
Elizabeth: So how is your laying it over it supposed to stop me getting my feet wet?
Raleigh: Well,… it might help them get a bit less wet.
Elizabeth: Also – what’s to stop me doing this?
Raleigh: What?
Elizabeth: This! Just walking around the puddle. Not exactly massive, is it?
Raleigh: Well, no. But you have to admit, your majesty – it is a bit of an inconvenience to have to do that.
Elizabeth: Not that much. Oh, and also, Sir Walter, may I just point one thing out.
Raleigh: What?
Elizabeth: This never happened.
Raleigh: Oh, I understand, your majesty. Not a word of it shall pass my lips. I shall take it to my grave…
Elizabeth: No, I mean – this never happened. You never laid your cloak over a puddle for me. The whole story’s apocryphal.
Raleigh: Is it?
Elizabeth: I’m afraid so.
Raleigh: Oh.
<disappears in a puff of logic>

Bear Hunt sketch

Here is the first of April's posts. You can probably guess from the title what the inspiration is. 

Reporter: So you join us today for a very exciting expedition. I’m here with David Nattybarrow the renowned horticultural and nature expert. So tell us, David, what’s the plan for today.
David: Well, today, we’re going on a bear hunt!
Reporter: Really?
David: Yes! And we’re going to catch a big one.
Reporter: Well, I have to say you’ve picked a beautiful day for it.
David: Yep. And we’re confident we’ll succeed – we’re not scared. Right. Let’s go.
Reporter: Ok. This way folks. As I say, it’s a very thrilling trip we’re on today and… oh, we seem to have stopped. Why have we stopped, David?
David: Take a look.
Reporter: Uh oh.
David: Exactly. We seem to have come to some grass. Some long wavy grass.
Reporter: It doesn’t look like we can go over it.
David: No. and we can’t go under it.
Reporter: So what do we do?
David: Well, it looks like we’ll have to go through it.
Reporter: Right. Here we go! I say, this is very very long grass, isn’t it?
David: Yes. But at least we’re through now.
Reporter: Good. So we can continue on our bear hunt
David: Absolutely. And we’re going to catch big one. Did already say that?
Reporter: You might have done.
David: What a beautiful day.
Reporter: And we’re still not scared because… what’s wrong? Why have we stopped? Uh oh.
David: Yes – we’ve come to a river.
Reporter: I say, it does look very deep.
David: And cold.
Reporter: Mmm. And we can’t go over it?
David: No. and we can’t go under it.
Reporter: So…?
David: We’ll have to go through it.
Reporter: Right. Hup!
<splash!>
Reporter: Ooh! It is cold.
David: Yup. But it’s what you run the risk of when you’re going on a bear hunt.
Reporter: And you’re still confident you’re going to catch a big one on this beautiful day.
David: Definitely. We’re not scared. It’s just… uh oh.
Reporter: What?
David: Mud.
Reporter: What?
David: Thick, oozy mud.
Reporter: Oh dear. And we can’t go over it
David: No. And we can’t go under it.
Reporter: Let me guess.
David: Yup. We’ve got to go through it.
Reporter: Right. I say, it is terribly thick mud.
David: Yes. But at least we’re through it now.
Reporter: Yes. Back on the bear hunt.
David: And we’re going to catch a big one.
Reporter: So you said. Lucky it’s still a beautiful day.
David: And it definitely that we’re not scared. Except…
Reporter: What?
David: Well, look there.
Reporter: Uh oh. A forest.
David: Yes. A big, dark forest.
Reporter: Well, I suppose that was to be expected.
David: Yes, but we can’t go over it and we can’t go under it.
Reporter: So…we’ve got to go through it.
David: Yup. So we’d better get. Waah!
Reporter: What happened?
David: I tripped.
Reporter: Oh. Waah!
David: What was that?
Reporter: I tripped too.
David: Phew! Getting a bit risk this bear hunt.
Reporter: But at least you’re going to catch a big one.
David: And it’s such a beautiful day.
Reporter: Even if you couldn’t see it in that forest.
David: Well, even so, we’re not scared. And…uh oh?
Reporter: What is it?
David: A snowstorm.
Reporter: …A snowstorm.
David: Yup.
Reporter: On a bear hunt.
David: It appears so.
Reporter: Is this a polar bear hunt?
David: And it’s a swirling whirling snowstorm.
Reporter: Let me guess – we can’t go over it and we can’t go under it.
David: Nope – we’ve got to go through it.
Reporter: Very weird microclimate this.
David: True. But, as I say, got to expect the unexpected when you’re going on a bear hunt
Reporter: When you’re going to catch a big one
David: Exactly. Even if it seemed like a beautiful day. We’re not scared.
Reporter: Well, at least that’s over. So where are we now?
David: Uh oh.
Reporter: What?
David: A cave.
Reporter: Well, I would have thought that’s what we were looking for, aren’t we?
David: Yes. But it’s a narrow, gloomy cave.
Reporter: So I see. And we can’t go over it.
David: Nope.
Reporter: And we can’t go under it.
David: Not without some heavy digging equipment.
Reporter: So that means…
David: We’ve got to go through it. Come on. But be quiet.
Reporter: Ok. I’ll tiptoe. I say, it is getting very dark in here. You almost can’t see your hand in front of your…
David: Wait! What’s that?
Reporter: What’s what?
David: That there. It looks like… one shiny wet nose.
Reporter: Two big furry ears.
David: Two big googly eyes.
Reporter: It’s a bear!
David: Quick! Run!
Reporter: Run? But I thought you were looking for a…
David: Never mind that now. Back through the cave! Tiptoe! Back through the snowstorm! Blooming heck – that’ s cold. Back through the forest! Waah! Stupid branches. I… Waah! Back through the mud!
Reporter: This’ll never come off my suit.
David: Well, you can wash it off going back through the river! Quick!
Reporter: Ooh! That’s still cold.
David: And you can dry it off going back through the grass! Oh - at last we’re back at the front door. I’ll just open it. Quick get in!
Reporter: But surely the bear’s not going to…
David: Can’t take any chances. Go on! Up the stairs. And… oh no.
Reporter: You  forgot to shut the door.
David: I forgot?
Reporter: Stay here. I’ll just back downstairs to shut the door. Right. Back upstairs. Into the bedroom. Come on, quick!
David: The bedroom?
Reporter: No time to argue – safest place in the whole house.
David: Into the bed.
Reporter: Now hang on – I’m not that kind of reporter.
David: And I’m not that kind of horticulturalist. Trust me, the bed’s the safest place. The bear’ll never find us here.
Reporter: Oh, alright. Well, that was quite an interesting experience.
David: Yes. And I’ll tell you one thing.
Reporter: What.
David: We’re not going on a bear hunt again! 

From The Mind of Merc - No Trump Allowed

 And March's Mind of Merc post.

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about a message and an image that needs to be everywhere - especially on the White House.

Baseball sketch

And here's the second of the March posts highlighting some interesting similarities between two sports. 

Mr Sports: So Mr Yank – I understand you’ve got an idea for a new sport.
Mr Yank: Yes – I have. And I call it… Baseball!
Mr Sports: Uh-huh. So how does it work exactly?
Mr Yank: Well, you have 2 teams of nine players who take turn at batting and fielding. The game starts when a player on the fielding team – called the pitcher – throws a ball that a player on the batting team tries to hit with a bat.
Mr Sports: Right. Then what?
Mr Yank: If the batter hits the ball then he has to try and run around four bases and getting back to the start before the fielding team have a chance to pass the ball back to one of the men on the bases. If the batter succeeds he’s scored a run. And if the fielding team succeed then the batter is ‘out’.
Mr Sports: Uh-huh. If you don’t mind me saying so, Mr Yank, this does sound a lot like another game we already have on our books called ‘Rounders’.
Mr Yank: Oh, no, no, no – this one is completely different.
Mr Sports: Are you sure? Seems pretty similar – batter, bowler – or as you say pitcher – four bases, a bat…
Mr Yank: They’re just coincidences.
Mr Sports: Pretty big ones.
Mr Yank: Well, yes, but as I say they are still completely different games. For starters in ‘baseball’ the bat they use is considerably bigger – like 24 inches bigger.
Mr Sports: So 42 inches? Even though a rounders bat is only 18 inches.
Mr Yank: I know. Which will mean they need to use 2 hands to hit it.
Mr Sports: It’ll also make it considerably easier for them to hit it.
Mr Yank: Well, not necessarily. That’s why they’re allowed 3 goes to hit it.
Mr Sports: 3 goes?
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: They don’t just try to hit it and if they miss just run anyway so everyone gets a turn quicker.
Mr Yank: Well, they want to stand the best chance of not getting ‘out’.
Mr Sports: I suppose that makes sense.
Mr Yank: There’s also a difference to the uniforms for some of the players. For example, the catcher…
Mr Sports: Who’s the catcher?
Mr Yank: The player who catches the ball if the batter misses.
Mr Sports: Oh, the backstop.
Mr Yank: Er… well, anyway, the catcher wears this.
Mr Sports: Wow. That’s quite a lot of padding.
Mr Yank: Well, those balls are very hard. Some pitchers…
Mr Sports: Bowlers.
Mr Yank: Are able to throw the ball up to 95 mph.
Mr Sports: 95… That’s quite impressive for an underarm throw.
Mr Yank: Oh, no – this is overarm.
Mr Sports: Overarm?
Mr Yank: Yes. See – another difference.
Mr Sports: Well, I can certainly see why they’d need the padding.
Mr Yank: As do the fielders – as the pitch is around 90 metres, the batter needs to hit the ball 100 metres to ensure he can get round all 4 bases.
Mr Sports: So it’s not just the bat that’s bigger.
Mr Yank: Exactly.
Mr Sports: Hmm. Does the word overcompensating mean anything to you?
Mr Yank: Er… no, sir.
Mr Sports: Maybe you should look it up. However, I still can’t see there’s a significant difference. It seems to me you’ve taken an existing game, modified it slightly and given it a new name.
Mr Yank: A very good name, sir.
Mr Sports: But it’s still a batting team and a fielding team.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: And they’re still running around 4 bases.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: And the opposing team is still trying to get the ball to get them ‘out’.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: But you still think it’ll catch on, do you?
Mr Yank: Absolutely.
Mr Sports: Huh. Well, I guess we can give it a shot. Who knows – it might become our favourite pastime.

Crufts sketch

So a hospital trip and an operation have meant my blog posts have somewhat fallen to the wayside. I'm now trying to catch up so here is the first of March's posts - both of which are a nod to/inspired by Bob Newhart's famous monologue skits.

Hello? Kennel Club? Mr Cruft. What can I do for you today? You- you say you’ve got a brilliant new idea for us? Uh-huh. And what is that?... A dog show. Not- not to sound harsh, Mr Cruft, but er…that’s not exactly a new idea…No. You see, there are several types of dog show that already exist. You know – like the ones for herding, hunting, guarding… Yes. So what- what exactly will the dogs in your show be required to do?...Absolutely nothing. And- and you think that’ll draw a crowd, do you? …Ev- everybody loves a dog. Well, I suppose that’s er… that’s mostly true, Mr Cruft. So what will the entrants be judged on?... Whether they look like a dog. Er… are you… are you planning to allow cats to enter or something?... Then why wouldn’t they look like dogs, Mr Cruft?...It depends which dog looks most like a dog. And how do we determine that, Mr Cruft?... Did- did you say you’ve drawn a picture? You- you’ve drawn a picture of a dog. And the winner of the competition will be the dog that looks most like your picture. Have- have you heard of a thing called breeds, Mr Cruft?... Oh, you have. So do you have different pictures for different breeds or…? That’s not necessary. Are you sure about that? I have to say, I had no idea you were also an artist as well, Mr Cruft so.... You’re not. I see. Er… in that case, can I just ask – this… er… this dog you’ve drawn – does- does it have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 4 legs and a tail?... Well- well, that’s a start I suppose. Yeah. So… so all that has to happen is the dog has to look like a dog?... That you’ve drawn, yeah – I got that. Well, I guess it could help to encourage owners to take good care of their dogs. Ensure safe, healthy breeding to safeguard future generations of… Why are you laughing, Mr Cruft? That’s not the point. Kind of feels like it should be, Mr Cruft. Yeah. It’s all about the money? What money, Mr Cruft?...Oh, there’s an entry fee. I see. Well, I have to admit that… er… that is a good point. Yeah. So are you planning… is there a big prize for the winner? Not really. So what- er- what’s the motivation, Mr Cruft?... Prestige. Yeah, well I- I guess, I guess there is that… And- and because then it’ll be a pedigree. And pedigrees sell for more. Well, er, that- that may be true, Mr Cruft, but uh don’t- don’t you reckon people will also want their dogs to be healthy too? I mean if we’re encouraging inbreeding in order to win this… You don’t think so. Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, Mr Cruft. Yeah. Er… listen, Mr Cruft – I have to admit I’m kind of worried. I mean, don’t- don’t you think we might get into trouble with the RSPCA?... It’s not like the dogs are fighting each other. Well, that’s true, I guess. But I imagine the owners might end up…er… Can- can I just ask, er, Mr Cruft, er, how did you get into this? I mean,er, what- what made you think of it?...It makes a change from… did- did you say chickens, Mr Cruft? What the hell have chickens got to do with it?... Oh, that’s your background. So how did you get into dogs then, Mr Cruft? Did you- <laughs> did you not like the pay? <laughs> What was it? Chicken feed? <laughs> No – I’m sorry, Mr Cruft. I’m sorry. Well, if- if you think this show of yours is a flyer then you go right ahead and set it up…Yeah. And- er- and if you get any flack from it, just remember – the buck stops with you. What?... Dog then, fine. Goodbye.