From The Mind of Merc - The Tudor Dynasty Portrait

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the Dynasty or Succession portrait of Henry VIII which was painted c.1545.

In it, Henry is shown seated between his son, Edward, and his third wife, Jane Seymour, with his two other daughters – Mary and Elizabeth – depicted either side of the painting.

What is perhaps odd about this is that, at the time, Henry was actually married to Catherine Parr – his sixth wife. Although the replacement can be understandable given that Jane was the mother of Edward – his one son and heir – what intrigued me was Jane’s clothing.

The most well-known image of Jane Seymour is the ornate and detailed portrait by Hans Holbein the Younger which shows her attired in a rich red velvet gown whereas in the dynasty portrait she wears what is presumably a cloth of gold gown.

While there is a secondary posthumous image of Jane dressed in a gold gown, there is also a portrait of Catherine Parr (previously misidentified as Lady Jane Grey) in which she wears clothing which bears a striking resemblance to that worn by Jane Seymour in the dynasty painting – gold gown with ermine(?) sleeves and a red kirtle and foresleeves – even the pendant is identical (although this is likely due to it probably being a piece from the queen’s jewellery). 

Given the date of this portrait is also c.1545, it suggests that it is Catherine who is being depicted in – and presumably who sat for – the image and Jane’s head was superimposed at Henry’s instruction(?) – i.e. if the gold gown was not a hand-me-down to Catherine from a previous queen, then it is an item that belonged to, and was worn, by her and not Jane.

Associated with this is the fact that Jane and Catherine share several striking similarities:-
1.       Both women married Henry VIII (obviously) after his previous wife was executed:
       -      Jane’s marriage was on 30^th May 1536 – 11 days after Anne Boleyn’s execution)
       -      Catherine’s marriage was on 12^th July 1543 – 5 months after Catherine Howard’s execution)

2.       They both faced uncertainty and danger during their time as queen (and both ‘learned their lesson’):
       -      Jane attempted to speak up for the rebels of the Pilgrimage of Grace and was told to “Remember Anne” – she did and refrained from repeating her ‘error’
       -      Catherine had an arrest warrant issued for her following an argument – fortunately she learned of this and was able to dissuade the king from enacting it

3.       Both had only 1 child:

       -      Jane’s son, Edward, was born 12^th October 1537
       -      Catherine’s daughter, Mary, was born 30^th August 1548

4.       They both died shortly after the birth of their only child – presumably of ‘childbed’ or puerperal fever:

       -      Jane died 12 days after the birth of her son on 24^th October 1537
       -      Catherine died 6 days after the birth of her daughter on 5^th September 1548

5.       Both of their children died young:

       -      Edward died aged 15 on 6^th July 1553
       -      Mary is believed to have died around the age of 2 as no record of her exists after this time

6.       And, finally, they effectively ended up being related given Catherine’s last husband was Thomas Seymour – Jane’s brother.

From The Mind of Merc - Difference

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the difference a few years can make. For example, in Tudor history.

King Henry VIII - the king infamous for his 6 wives - actually got through the last 4 in the last 10 years of his life. So much so that it shows a distinct difference in the attitude of the ladies of the court to winning the king's eye and his hand in marriage, as demonstrated by the image below.

True - Henry's size, weight, appearance and temper had all worsened by the time he wed no. 6 but still - that poor woman.

Sister - !!!NEW!!!

Had to do a return to my Tudor theme

Price Tag Sister not by Jessie J 

Okay, Big Tudor Man, Cromwell, and Me
You ready?

My name well it is Anna von Kleve
Let me tell you what I achieved
You may think you know
The way my story goes
But that is not to be believed
You really think I was so hideous?
Oh you cannot be serious
Listen to my side
Then you can decide
Whether what people say was all right

Henry chose me from my portrait
But he didn’t like the real life
Is it my fault? Huh?                             
(That) Holbein didn’t paint it right         

Though I did marry the king, the king, the king
(He) Didn’t want our wedding, wedding, wedding
I don’t want another mister
So I became his sister
‘Cause I did the, uh, smart thing, smart thing
And I lost my, yeah, wedding r-ring
Not another mister
So I will stay his sister

Annulled

After our marriage was now done
Henry he found another one
Such a pretty young thing who was into bling
But sadly she had quite a short run

Why do you all think I’m a loser?
When I was the real survivor
Parr died in 4-8 but still I was great
And I lived to see Mary on the throne

Henry chose me from my portrait
But he didn’t like the real life
But I’m not glum. Nope
‘Cause things still turned out alright

Though I did marry the king, the king, the king
(He) Didn’t want our wedding, wedding, wedding
I don’t want another mister
So I became his sister
‘Cause I did the, uh, smart thing, smart thing
And I lost my, yeah, wedding r-ring
Not another mister
So I will stay his sister

Yeah, yeah, she’ll stay his sister (yeah)
‘Cause she’s better off
From Henry she got (I got)
A good trade off (trade off)
And you can, can keep the crown, leave her alone now
And all she, yes, all she needs is the stuff she owns
And that’s it – the rest of her life, she stayed in England
Yeah, you might think she’s bland, was actually quite grand
Just cos one man, called her appearance a disgrace
You all think she’s ugly, but she’s here to say that’s just not the case
So she will be alright you’ll see, always
She’s got enough to see her to the end of her days
So when he’s gone she will keep carrying on
‘Cause she still lived on, and so that’s why she sings

Though I did marry the king, the king, the king
(He) Didn’t want our wedding, wedding, wedding
I don’t want another mister
So I became his sister
‘Cause I did the, uh, smart thing, smart thing
And I lost my, yeah, wedding r-ring
Not another mister
So I will stay his sister

Though I did marry the king, the king, the king (yes you did it)
(He) Didn’t want our wedding, wedding, wedding (no he don't, he don't want it)
I don’t want another mister (no, no way want that)
So I became his sister (uh-huh)
‘Cause I did the, uh, smart thing, smart thing
And I lost my, yeah, wedding r-ring (yes she got out)
Not another mister (yeah, yeah)
So I will stay his sister

So I will stay his sister
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Yeah, yeah, ooh
So I will stay his sister

Alternate Six Lyrics - Catherine Parr

And the final song of Six:

I Don't Need Your Love not (entirely) from Six

[Catherine Parr:]
You know I love you, boy
In every single way
Though I love you, boy
I'll miss you every day
Oh I love you, boy
I wish that I could stay with you
And keep the life I made with you
And even though this feels so right
I'm holding back the tears tonight

It's true I'll never be over you
'Cause I have built a future in my mind with you
And now the hope is gone
There's nothing left for me to do

You know it isn't true
But I must say to you
That I can’t have your love, no, no
I can’t have your love, no, no
It cannot be the way that it was, no, no
‘Cause I can’t have your love, no, no

I've got no choice
With the King I stay alive
Never had a choice
Been a wife twice before, just to survive
I don't have a choice
If Henry says "It's you", then it's you
No matter how I feel
It's what I have to do
But if, somehow, I had that choice
No holding back, I'd raise my voice

I'd say "Henry, yeah it's true
I'll never belong to you
'Cause I am not your toy, to enjoy till there's something new
As if I'm gonna give up my boy, my work, my dreams
To care for you"

"Ha, darling, get a clue
There's nothing you can do
I don't want your love, no, no
No, I don't want you love, no, no
There's nothing left to discuss, no, no
But I don't want your love, no, no"

But I can't say that
Not to the king
So this is goodbye
All my love
Catherine

So I sent that letter to my love
Got married to the king
Became the one who survived
I've told you about my life
The final wife
But why should that story
Be the one I have to sing about
Just to win? I'm out
That's not my story
There's so much more

Remember that I was a writer
I wrote books and psalms and meditations
Fought for female education
So all my women could independently
Study scripture
I even got a woman to paint my picture
Why can't I tell that story?
'Cause in history
I'm fixed as one of six
And without him
I disappear
We all disappear

[Ensemble:]
So we had no choice
But now it's us alone
So we've got no choice
No, we've got no choice
We're taking back the microphone
I'm gonna raise my voice
They always said:
"We need your love"
But it's time for us to rise above

It's not what went down in history
But tonight I'm singing this for me

Henry, yeah, I'm through
Too many times it's been told
And I have had enough
Love stories to get old
And you might think it's tough
But I've got to let your love run cold
We're taking back control (we're taking back control)
You need to know

I don't want your love, no, no
No, I don't want your love, no, no
Can't let it get the better of us, no, no
I don't need your love, no, no
I don't want your love, no, no
No, I don't want your love, no, no
I don't want your love, no, no
I don't want your love

We don't want your love

Alternate Six Lyrics - Catherine Howard

Time for the fifth Six song (trying saying that 10 times fast):

All You Wanna Do not (entirely) from Six

[Ensemble:]
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby

[Katherine Howard:]
I think we can all agree
I'm the ten amongst these threes

[Ensemble:]
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby

[Katherine Howard:]
And ever since I was a child
I'd make the boys go wild

[Ensemble:]
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby

[Katherine Howard:]
Take my first music teacher
Henry Manox
I was young, so true
But very soon I knew

The only thing you wanna do is...

Broad, dark, sexy Manox
Taught me all about dynamics
He was twenty three
And I was thirteen
Not even flirty

We spent hours strumming the lute
Striking the chords and blowing the flute
Tried to pluck my strings all the way to G
Go from major to minor
C to D

Tell me what you need
What you want
It won’t help to plead
Just don’t feel
The chemistry
I don’t want you
You won’t get me but

Maybe this is it
He just cares so much
It feels legit
Is there a connection
Could it be this guy’s different

'Cause
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Touch me, love me
Can't get enough, see

All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Please me, squeeze me
Birds and the bees me

Run your fingers through my hair
Tell me I'm the fairest of the fair

Playtime's over
The only thing you wanna do is

But then there was another guy, Francis Dereham

Serious, stern and slow
Gets what he wants and he won't take no
Passion in all that he touches
The sexy secretary to the dowager duchess

Helped him in his office had a duty to fulfill
He even let me use his favourite quill
Spilled ink all over the parchment
My wrist was so tired
Still I came back the next day
As he required

You see, I'm all you need
All you want, you don't need to plead
'Cause I feel the chemistry
Like I get you and you get me and

I know, this is it
He just cares so much
This one's legit
We have a real connection
I'm sure this time is different

'Cause
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Touch me, love me
Can't get enough, see

All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Please me, squeeze me
Birds and the bees me

You can't wait a second more
To get my kirtle on the floor

Playtime's over
The only thing you wanna do is...

Yeah, that didn't work out
Because I got summoned to the royal court
And you'll never guess who I met

Tall, large, Henry the Eighth
Supreme head of the Church of England

Globally revered
Although you wouldn't know it from the look of that beard

Made me a lady in waiting, hurled
Me and my family up in the world
Gave me duties in court and he swears it's true
That without me he doesn't know what he'd do

You see, I'm all you need
All you want, we both agree
This is the place for me
I'm finally where I'm meant to be

Then he starts saying all this stuff
He cares so much, he calls me 'love'
He says we have this connection
I guess it's not so different

'Cause
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Touch me, love me
Can't get enough, see

All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Seize me, squeeze me
Birds and the bees me

There's no time for when or how
'Cause you've just got to have me now

Playtime's over
The only thing you wanna do is...

So we got married. Woo

With Henry, it isn't easy
His temper's short and his mates are sleazy
Except for this one courtier
He's a really nice guy just
So sincere

The royal life isn't what I planned
But Thomas is there to lend a helping hand
So sweet, makes sure that I'm okay
And we hang out loads when the King's away

This guy, finally
Is what I want, the friend I need
Just mates, nothing more see
I get him and he gets me

And there's nothing more to it
He just cares so much, he's devoted
He says we have a connection

I thought this time was different
Why did I think he'd be different
But it's never, ever different

'Cause
All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Touch me, when will
Enough be enough, see?

All you wanna do
All you wanna do, baby's
Squeeze me, don't care
If you don't please me

Bite my lip and pull my hair
As you tell me I'm the fairest of the fair

[Ensemble:]
Playtime's over
Playtime's over

[Katherine Howard & Ensemble:]
Playtime's over

[Ensemble:]
The only thing
The only thing

[Katherine Howard:]
The only thing you wanna do is...

Alternate Six Lyrics - Anne of Cleves

And the fourth:

Get Down not (entirely) from Six

[Anne Of Cleves:]
Sittin' here all alone
On a throne
In a palace that it seems now I own
Life sure is pleasant
Now I’m overthrown

Came to England to wed a king
But then it seems when we met he was distressed
I wasn’t his thing
Just wouldn’t swing, show stopper
I came a crop(per)              

Don’t wanna go back there, can I stay here?
No need to fear, I will be your sister dear
Funded by the king’s riches
Was the smart one, unlike these bitches
(What?)
Everyday
Gonna do everything my way, yeah
'Cause I am single
And rich so no need to mingle

You, you said that I tricked ya
'Cause I, I didn't look like my profile picture
Don’t, don’t care if I agree
But I'm gonna stick around for everyone to see
Now you’ve set me free so

I'm the queen of this castle
Got out without a hassle
Get out
Get out
Got out without a hassle
Get out
Get out
Now I'm the queen of this castle

When I am called
I go to court
Pull up outside in my carriage
Don't need no marriage
Cause I had a little flirt with the headsman
Das is nicht mir fur
As you were

Taking my place behind the queen and
Some girls don’t want me seen
I ignore them
'Cause it’s what the king expects
Show respect
Das ist recht

All eyes on me
No criticism
I keep to my own Lutheranism

Yield so quick I didn’t cause a sensation
Although I didn’t help the reformation

You, you said that I tricked ya
'Cause I, I didn't look like my profile picture
Don’t, don’t care if I agree
But I'm gonna stick around for everyone to see
Now you’ve set me free so

I'm the queen of this castle
Got out without a hassle
Get out
Got out (without a hassle)
Get out
Get out
Now I'm the queen of this castle

No-one ever says I'm a gold digger
But check my bank book, diff’rent picture?
Got away
Accepted relegation to the reject bin
Not Henry’s prey
Knew it was best for me to take it on the chin
And that is why
I'm a royal house guest, and not his next victim
No one tells me I need a husband
With all this cash what girl would need a rich man

You, you said that I tricked ya
'Cause I, I didn't look like my profile picture
Don’t, don’t care if I agree
But I'm gonna stick around for everyone to see
Now you’ve set me, you’ve set me free so

I'm the queen of this castle
Got out without a hassle
Get out (yeah, go on, ha!)
Get out (get out scot free)
Got out without a hassle
Get out (it's Anna of Cleves)
(Aha-ha-ha, get)
Get out (now!)
Now I'm the queen of this castle

Alternate Six Lyrics - Jane Seymour

Time for the third slightly altered Six song:

Unbreakable not (entirely) from Six

[Jane Seymour:]
You've got a good heart
But I know it changes
A restless tide, untameable
You came my way
And I knew a storm could come too
You'd lift me high, or let me fall

But I took your hand
Promised I'd withstand
Any blaze you blew my way
'Cause something inside
Was petrified
And I knew I'd always stay

You can build me up
You can tear me down
That is your will - unshakable
You can do your best
But I'll stand the test
I must be - unbreakable
Your rage will burn
But I won’t moan
Will not fight the tide
Against the stone
Your heart of stone

You say we're perfect
A perfect family
You hold us close for the world to see
And when I say you're the only one I'll ever love
I mean those words truthfully

But I know, without my son
Your love could disappear
And though it isn't fair
Won’t turn a hair
And so I will still be here

You can build me up
You can tear me down
That is your will - unshakable
You can do your best
But I'll stand the test
I must be - unbreakable
Your rage will burn
But I won’t moan
Will not fight the tide
Against the stone
Your heart of stone

Soon I'll have to go
I'll never see him grow
But I hope my son will know
He'll never be alone
'Cause like a river runs dry
And leaves its scars behind
I'll be by his side
'Cause my love is set in stone

Yeah

[All:]
You can build me up
You can tear me down
That is your will - unshakable
You can do your best
But I'll stand the test
I must be - unbreakable
Your rage will burn
But I won’t moan
Will not fight the tide

[Jane Seymour:]
I’ll fight the stone
Your heart of stone

[All:]
You can build me up
You can tear me down
That is your will - unshakable
You can do your best
But I'll stand the test
I must be - unbreakable
Your rage will burn
But I won’t moan
Will not fight the tide

[Jane Seymour:]
I’ll fight the stone
Your heart of stone

Alternate Six Lyrics - Anne Boleyn

And here's the second:

Don't Lose Your Head not (entirely) from Six

[Anne Boleyn:]
Grew up in the French court
Oui oui bonjour
Life was a bore
So

[Ensemble:]
She set sail

[Anne Boleyn:]
1522 I came to the UK
Had a Duke in my sway

[Ensemble:]
Epic fail!
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
I wanna do my thing

[Ensemble:]
Modesty

[Anne Boleyn:]
Not my thing

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
But then I met the king
And soon my uncle said
"You should try and get ahead!"
He wanted me, obviously
Messaging me like every day
Couldn't be better then he sent me a letter
And who was he kidding
I don’t do things that way

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Sent a reply

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Just saying 'Hi'

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
'You're a nice guy
I'll think about it maybe
XO baby'

[Ensemble:]
Uh oh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Here we go

[Ensemble:]
You sent him kisses

[Anne Boleyn:]
I didn't know I would move in with his missus

[Ensemble:]
What?!

[Anne Boleyn:]
Get a life!

[Ensemble:]
You're living with his wife

[Anne Boleyn:]
Like, what was I meant to do?
Sorry, not sorry 'bout what I said
It seems like my time has come
Don't worry, don't worry
Don't lose your head
Can’t help it if I’m the one
LOL Say 'Oh, well!'
Just go to hell!
I'm sorry, not sorry 'bout what I said
Don't lose your head

Three in the bed
And the little one said
"If you wanna be wed
Make up your mind!"
Her or me, chum
Don't wanna be some
Girl in a threesome
Are you blind?

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Don't be bitter

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
'Cause I'm fitter

[Ensemble:]
Ooh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Why hasn't it hit her?
He doesn't wanna bang you
Somebody hang you

[Ensemble:]
Uh oh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Here we go

[Ensemble:]
Your comment went viral

[Anne Boleyn:]
I didn't really mean it
But rumours spiral

[Ensemble:]
Wow Anne, way to make the country hate you!

[Anne Boleyn:]
Mate, what was I meant to do?
Sorry, not sorry about what I said
It seems like my time has come
Don't worry, don't worry
Don't lose your head
Can’t help it if I’m the one
LOL Say 'Oh, well!'
Just go to hell!
I'm sorry, not sorry 'bout what I said
Don't lose your head

Tried to elope
But the Pope said 'Nope!'
My only hope was Henry
He got a promotion
Caused a commotion
Set in motion the C of E

[Ensemble:]
The rules

[Anne Boleyn:]
Were so outdated
Us two wanted to get X-rated

[Ensemble:]
Soon
Excommunicated

[Anne Boleyn:]
Everybody chill
It's totes God's will

Henry's out every night on the town
Just sleeping around like "What the hell?"
If that's how it's gonna be
Maybe I'll flirt with a guy or three
Just to make him jel
Henry finds out and he goes mental
He screams and shouts like
So judgemental!
You damned witch
Mate, just shut up!
I wouldn't be such a b...
If you could get it up

[Ensemble:]
Uh oh

[Anne Boleyn:]
Here we go

[Ensemble:]
Is that what you said?

[Anne Boleyn:]
And now he's going 'round like
"Off with her head!"

[Ensemble:]
No!

[Anne Boleyn:]
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he means it

[Ensemble:]
Seems it

[Anne Boleyn:]
What was I meant to do?

[Ensemble:]
What was she meant to do?

[Anne Boleyn:]
Like, what was I meant to do?

[Ensemble:]
What was she meant to do?

[Anne Boleyn:]
No, but what was I meant to do?
Sorry, not sorry about what I said
It seems like my time has come
Don't worry, don't worry
Don't lose your head
Pretty sure I was the one
Don't worry, don't worry
Don't lose my head
Seems like my time is done
LOL (I’ll) Say 'Oh, well!'
Or go to hell!

[Ensemble:]
Just go to hell!

[Anne Boleyn:]
Sorry, not sorry about what I said

[Ensemble:]
Sorry, not sorry about what she said

[Anne Boleyn:]
Sorry, not sorry about what I said
Don't lose my head

Alternate Six Lyrics - Catherine of Aragon

I finally got round to seeing Six last month and, boy - is it fantastic! I was also deeply impressed with how historically accurate it is (I admittedly put off seeing it as I was sure it'd be like the TV series The Tudors or worse Reign). Having said that, there were a few tiny tweaks in the lyrics that I'd make just to tighten that accuracy up even further. So here's the first of them (with the altered lyrics highlighted in bold):

No Way not (entirely) from Six

[Catherine Of Aragon:]
(No no no no no no no way)
There's no way
You must agree that baby
In all the time I've been by your side
I've never lost control
No matter how many times you hurt my pride
Have my golden rule
Got to keep my cool           
Yeah, baby

[Ensemble:]
You know she's got to keep her cool

[Catherine Of Aragon:]
And even though you've had your fun
Running around with some pretty young thing
And even though you've had one son
With someone who don't own a wedding ring
No matter what I heard
I didn't say a word, no, baby

[Ensemble:]
You know she never said a word

[Catherine Of Aragon:]
I put up with your sh...
Like every single day
But now it's time to shh
And listen when I say

You must think that I'm crazy
You wanna replace me baby
There's no no no no no no no way
If you think for a moment
I'd grant you annulment, just hold up
There's no no no no no no no way

No way
No way
There's no no no no no no no way

No way
No way
There's no no no no no no no way

There's no way

So you read a bible verse that I'm cursed
'Cause I was your brothers wife
You say it's a pity 'cause quoting leviticus
I'll end up kiddy-less all my life
Well daddy have a care
‘Cause you’ve forgotten Mary. aw hi baby

[Ensemble:]
Daughters are so easy to forget

[Catherine Of Aragon:]
You're just so full of sh...
It’s not hard to perceive
I won't back down won't shh
And no I'll never leave

You must think that I'm crazy
You wanna replace me baby
There's no no no no no no no way
If you thought it'd be funny to
Send me to a nunnery, honey there's no way

No way
No way
There's no no no no no no no way

No way
No way
There's no no no no no no no way

There's no way
Hey

(Woo)
(Let's go)
(Woo)
(Here we go)

You've got me down on my knees
Please tell me what you think I've done wrong
Been humble, been loyal, I've tried
To swallow my pride all along
If you just say you’re sure
That you think when we wed I wasn’t pure, I'll go

No?

You've got nothing to say
I'm not going away
There's no way

You must think that I'm crazy
You wanna replace me baby
There's no no no no no no no way

You made me your wife
So I'll be queen to the end of my life
No no no no no no no way

No way
No way

No no no no nope no nope no nope no no

No way
No way

There's no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no way

There's no way

Marriage No. 6 - !!!NEW!!!

I took a trip to Hampton Court Palace at the weekend. So naturally this month's posts will have a historical theme. Starting with...

Mambo No. 5 Marriage No. 6 not by Lou Bega 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Marriage Number Six

One, two, three, four, five, six
Everybody at court knows how I get my kicks   
‘Cause I need a male child to succeed me
My wives have given me some daughters
But that really don't please me
Not hard but I’ve just got one
I’m not yet done - I still carry on

I like Bessie, and Mary, and all the ladies
‘Cause my only mission is to have a male baby
So what will it take? I beg and pray to the Lord
But it seems my prayers are ignored
Still gotta try, it’s all for my fam’ly line
I’ll get it right this time 

A little bit of Katherine a true queen
A little bit of Anne she was so keen
A little bit of Jane now with my son
A little bit of Anne she’s not the one
A little bit of Catherine such a jewel
A little bit of Katheryn she’s no fool
Although my road of love it’s been quite steep
I know now that this one she’ll be for keeps

Marriage Number Six 

Once you’ve been found to be queen you’re bound
Have a son, make me proud
Or your head’ll hit the ground
I don’t want fuss, I don’t want girls
If you win my heart I’ll change your world
To reach my goal I’ll do what it takes
Believe me when I say I don’t like mistakes

A little bit of Katherine a true queen
A little bit of Anne she was so keen
A little bit of Jane now with my son
A little bit of Anne she’s not the one
A little bit of Catherine such a jewel
A little bit of Katheryn she’s no fool
Although my road of love it’s been quite steep
I know now that this one she’ll be for keeps 

This time, yeah this time
Marriage Number Six

A little bit of Katherine a true queen
A little bit of Anne she was so keen
A little bit of Jane now with my son
A little bit of Anne she’s not the one
A little bit of Catherine such a jewel
A little bit of Katheryn she’s no fool
Although my road of love it’s been quite steep
I know now that this one she’ll be for keeps

Know you want to fall in love with a king so cool
'Cause you can't run and you can't hide
You are now gonna be my bride 

Marriage Number Six

I'm The One That You Want - !!!NEW!!!

Given how hard it is to write satirical parodies these days (seeing as real life is tending to exceed anything that comedians could come up with), I thought I'd revert to my previous historical parodies.

You're The One That I Want I'm The One That You Want not from Grease

My name’s Kat-
herine Howard
And so pure it would seem
Though new at court was not long until
I became the new queen!

I started so young
'Cause of just one man
So innocent – had no clue
I soon came undone
But that was his grand plan
Manox if he only knew
That I want
That I wanted someone new 

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

Ever since I 
Was a young girl
Men they all wanted me
They would woo and caress me
All the day

So then I moved on
I found a new man
Oh what a man
Who I treated as a spouse
But even Dereham
Has now been surpassed
Because at last
My destiny has now come
Now the queen
To his will I will succumb

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

The one that you want!

Six Wives Tango - !!!NEW!!!

Can't believe I haven't thought to do this before! It fits so perfectly.

Six Wives Tango not from Chicago 

Pope

Framed

Son

Ja ja

Culpepper

Seymour

And now, the six sorry espouses of King Henry VIII
In their rendition of the Six Wives Tango

Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour
Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour
Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour
Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour

I married Henry

I married Henry

And that was my biggest mistake
I had to do it
But if I blew it
I knew that it was my life at stake

Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour
Pope, Framed, Son, uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour

Catherine of Aragon:

You know how people have these little husbands that get you down
Like Henry
Henry wanted a son
No, not wanted, craved
So I did the best I could
And I gave him sev’ral children
Although sadly only our daughter Mary lived
And then Henry decided he wanted out, found a new girl he wanted
No, not wanted, craved
But, I said to him, I said "The Pope won’t grant your divorce"
I was right
So he decided to break with Rome
And he set up his own church
And that was that

I married Henry

I married Henry

And that was my biggest mistake
I had to do it
But if I blew it
I knew that it was my life he’d take

Anne Boleyn:

I met Henry VIII when I came to court several years ago

When he was dating my sister
But then he soon he fell for me
So, we started flirting together
Eventually we got wed
And had a baby, our dear daughter
That wasn’t enough
“A son” he told me
“A son or else”
Not only was I (ar)rested
Oh no, he then framed me
Said I’m unfaithful, as if!
Despite how hard I pleaded my case
He’d fixed up the trial beforehand
Did you know the headsman was pre-ordered?

I married Henry

I married Henry

That was my only choice in life
What could I have done?
What could I have won?
If I had not been King Henry’s wife
(Uh-uh, Culpepper, Seymour)

Jane Seymour:

Now, I'm newly wed to Henry
Used to be lady-in-waiting
Not that my family complains
In comes my darling husband in a loved-up mood
"I must have a son and heir, " he says
He was obsessed
And he kept on saying
"I must have a son and heir"
And at last I gave him a son
Gave him a son but then I died

I had to do it
But if I blew it
I knew that it was my life at stake

Anne of Cleves:

I kann nicht verstand               
Ich nach England gekommen auf Einladung

Zur die neuen Königin gemacht werden         

Der König und ich waren verheiratet
Und er mir küsste
Aber dann er gesagte das ich bin                   
Nicht seine Frau         
Er wollte mich loswerden, damit er ken seine neue Freundin gehaben          

Und sehr schnell
Ich war die Möglichkeit einer einvernehmlichen Scheidung gegeben
So, tell - did you do it?
Ja ja, King’s Sister!*

Catherine Howard:

The house where I grew up was not exactly that discreet
But I learnt an awful lot about men late at night
Then the king’s eye alighted on me
And when he finalised his last divorce we were wed
One, two, three, four, five, that’s right - fifth wife
I knew the score
Just like every other
But then one year Henry went off all on his own to Dover without me
So then I was lonely
All on my lonesome
And then I heard a noise
Someone knocking to get in
I got up, opened the door
And there's that handsome Tom Culpepper
Pledging me his devotion
And I folded
Well, when Henry found out about it
He completely flipped out, couldn’t believe it of me
It wasn't until later
When I was imprisoned inside the Tower
I realised it cost my head

I married Henry (She married Henry)
I married Henry (She married Henry)
You wouldn’t think that that was wrong
But it was fatal (yes it was fatal)
He’s so unstable (he’s so unstable)
Which I did find out before too long

I married Henry (She married Henry)
I married Henry (She married Henry)
You wouldn’t think that that was wrong (It was her only choice in life)
But it was fatal (What could she have done)
He’s so unstable
Which I did find out before too long

Catherine Parr:

I loved Tom Seymour
More than I can possibly say
He was a real romantic guy
Ambitious, a courtier
But then Henry’s greedy eye fell upon me
And he decided to take me for himself
Yet despite this
I came this
close
to being

beheaded
I managed to change the king’s mind
And he cancelled my arrest warrant
And once Henry wasn’t alive
Then Tom and I wed

All down to him, him, him, him, him
All down to him, him, him, him, him

I married Henry (She married Henry)
I married Henry (She married Henry)
You wouldn’t think that that was wrong
But it was fatal (yes it was fatal)
He’s so unstable (he’s so unstable)
Which I did find out before too long

I married Henry (She married Henry)

I married Henry (She married Henry)

And that was my biggest mistake
I had to do it (She had to do it)
But if I blew it (but if she blew it)
I knew that it was my life at stake

The Pope won’t grant your divorce!

A son or else
I died!

Er wollte mich loswerden

His devotion and I folded
Cancelled my arrest warrant

Pope

Framed

Son

Ja ja

Culpepper

Seymour

*In case you're wondering, Anne of Cleves verse roughly translates as:

I can't understand

I came to England by invitation

To be made the new queen

The king and I were married

And he kissed me

But then he said that I am

Not his wife

He wanted to get rid of me so he could have his new girlfriend

And very quickly

I was given the option of a divorce by mutual consent

So tell - did you do it?

Yes yes, King’s Sister!

Tudor Tunes

Some more Tudor tunes again relating to all 6 of Henry VIII's wives.

(This time for the tune think 3 Blind Mice)

Six poor queens

Six poor queens

See how they fared

See how they fared

Picked by Henry to be his wife

He would cause them nothing but strife

And in the end they’d pay with their life

Six poor queens

Cat of Spain

Cat of Spain

1^st wife was she

1^st wife was she

Married first to young Prince Arthur

When he died she wed his brother

Had no sons so he divorced her

Cat of Spain

Anne Boleyn

Anne Boleyn

Wife number two

Wife number two

Told Henry she’d give him a son

For her the reforms were begun

When she failed her short life was done

Anne Boleyn

Jane Seymour

Jane Seymour

Most beloved was she

Most beloved was she

Married soon after the death of Anne

Gave him a son – a bonny young man

After she died a new search began

Anne of Cleves

Anne of Cleves

Fourth to wed him

Fourth to wed him

Henry thought she was quite fair

But soon would call her The Flanders Mare

Divorced and lived her life at Hever

Anne of Cleves

Kat Howard

Kat Howard

Rose without a thorn

Rose without a thorn

Skeletons in her closet she had

Fell for Culpepper a young noble lad

When Henry found out it made him quite sad

Kat Howard

Kathryn Parr

Kathryn Parr

Henry’s last queen

Henry’s last queen

Married not for love but duty

When he died Tom Seymour wed she

Died giving birth to her baby

Kathryn Parr

BONUS TUNE 

(Frere Jacques)

King Henry Eighth

King Henry Eighth

Wed six wives

Wed six wives

Treated them so badly

Their lives ended sadly

Now they’re done

So's this song