Thursday 31 October 2013

From the Mind of Merc - The Princes in the Tower

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today’s topic was The Princes in the Tower

I remember being taught at school that Richard III killed the Princes (because this apparently seemed the most likely explanation). However, on looking into the case, it seems to me that he was quite possibly the least likely candidate – what would Richard have had to gain from having his nephews killed? After they were declared illegitimate by the Titulus Regius they were no threat to him so why kill them?

(Nowadays the main detracting fact about his reign seems to be this tyrannical act – this wouldn't have been different then & Richard was no fool)

Neither of the princes were seen after August 1483 (when Richard was away on progress) so I don’t believe that they survived Richard’s reign but I don’t think that means he was responsible for their deaths. Although nor do I believe Margaret Beaufort or Henry VII had a hand in it. For a start, I don’t think either would have had the opportunity (although had the Princes survived Richard’s reign, I doubt they would have survived Henry’s given his treatment of the Duke of Clarence’s son – Edward, Earl of Warwick).

For me, the finger of suspicion points firmly at Buckingham – he had the motive, the opportunity and (quite possibly) the means given his position as a powerful, wealthy and influential man – he was, after all, the second largest landowner in England after Richard.

Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham, like the Yorkist monarchs, was a direct descendant of one of the sons of Edward III (in his case, John of Gaunt). He had close familial links with many other royal families and, quite frankly, had a good claim to the throne. The Princes' disappearance tallies with Richard III being away on progress – giving Buckingham opportunity to arrange their deaths (and it was Buckingham who suggested they be kept in the Tower in the first place). Shortly after the Princes supposed disappearance Buckingham took part in an uprising against Richard which failed and resulted in Buckingham’s execution in November 1483.

The timing of the events surrounding Buckingham and the eponymous rebellion particularly concerning the Princes seems to fit very well with the idea of a pre-conceived plan to remove all obstacles between him and the throne. In the end it failed and Richard was left to deal with the aftermath of Buckingham’s actions. (Buckingham had probably hoped to reap the rewards of assisting with the ascension of the King of England or perhaps replace him when the opportunity arose).

I think it is unfortunate that Richard didn’t prevent the deaths of the Princes (and I do believe they did die as I’m sure he would have brought them out to prove that they were still alive if he could) because it gave his enemies all the ammunition they needed against him. But I just don’t believe he would have had any reason or desire to kill the sons of his late brother, King Edward IV, to whom he had always pledged allegiance. Richard’s motto was 'Loyaulte me lie' (Loyalty binds me) - would he really have forgone all that to commit a murder that was unnecessary and tyrannical?

There is of course the issue that, if they did die during his reign, why did he not announce it? To be honest I don't think he had nothing to gain from doing so. The situation may not have been of his making but publicly declaring it perhaps in an attempt to absolve himself of any associated guilt would have been unlikely to have succeeded in this aim – i.e. just because he said he was innocent, would anyone have believed him? He also couldn’t deny it as he couldn’t be sure of some co-conspirator of Buckingham’s being able to provide proof of their deaths should he attempt to lie his way out of trouble.

Ultimately, announcing it would have done no good as he could have lost support if he was not believed, denying it would have done no good as it could have caused problems if he'd been disproved so he took the only option left to him: he remained silent – no confirmation, no denial, no conflagration.

As for Richard’s motive for usurpation, how about:

1) The power-hungry, manipulative and highly unpopular Woodvilles sought to block Richard from his appointed position as Protector so that they themselves could rule England

2) The last boy king England had had (Henry VI) had resulted in the outbreak of the Wars of the Roses as a weak king had been viewed as an opportunity by those who would rule in his stead

I don’t think it was necessarily a power-hungry act or one intended to bring about the end of Edward V and his brother. I honestly believe it was viewed as an attempt to ensure the stability of the country under a strong ruler. After all, Richard had proven himself an adroit battle commander and popular leader with many achievements to his name.

Above all we cannot judge Richard’s actions by today’s standards and perhaps by comparing it to those of his contemporaries we may find that it wasn’t so much a case of ruthless and ambitious political play as an attempt to secure a potentially fractious kingdom. Henry VII may claim the credit for this but he was himself a usurper who benefited from excellent propaganda – is there so much difference? And is Richard truly the monster of the piece?

Wednesday 30 October 2013

Give Me The Throne - Horrific Histories

This is the first parody song I ever penned for my Horrific Histories collection and is rather a bizarre combination - which pretty much sums up me and my brain - in that it is a song about the Anarchy of the Middle Ages between Stephen and Matilda but set to the tune of a Westlife ballad.
Hope you enjoy!

Home Throne not by Westlife
Stephen:
Another English king,
Has done the dying thing,
And cos you weren’t home,
I took the throne,
Here I’m surrounded by,
All of my people I,
Am never alone,
And I’ve got the throne,
Just cos I’m a boy,
And I’m ignoring all the pledges,
That I made for you,
I said I would follow you,
Be governed and ruled by you,
Well I would keep them but,
I know that you’re not good enough,
A girl on the throne is bad,
And England needs more than that,

Matilda:
Fight after fight we’ll face,
Each one a different place,
You got lucky, you know,
But now that I’m home,
So give me the throne,
Give me the throne
I’ve come this far,
(And) he was my pa,
Just give me the throne,
Give me the throne,
You’ve had your fun,
But now you’re done,
Just give me the throne,

But it feels just like,
I’m fighting,
Back against a tide,
Cos even when I caught you,
I couldn’t complete the coup,
And then my half-brother went and got himself caught too,
I had to swap him back,
For you Stephen how fair’s that?,

Stephen:
Now almost 20 year,
Has come and gone I fear,
And wouldn’t you know,
I’m still on the throne,
I beat you, You know,
Henry:
Give me the throne,
You’ve had your run,
I’m Matilda’s son,
So give me the throne,
Give me the throne,
Stephen:
It'll all be alright,
It'll be yours tonight,
You’re getting the throne.

Tuesday 29 October 2013

FA Tube Map sketch - Newsreview

Today's entry is from my Newsreview collection and again one that was recently penned for Newsjack.
The basis for this one is the recent novelty tube map that was created to celebrate 150 years of both the FA and the London Underground and which substituted station names with names of football players.
(You can find the map here: http://www.thefa.com/News/2013/oct/~/media/A3340A58E70245C2BCF8F35142994BD8.ashx)


Introduction: To commemorate its upcoming 150th anniversary, the FA has created a unique London underground map replacing the familiar tube station names with famous players from the profession as both the FA and the underground both started in 1863. Now obviously this is just a temporary gimmick but what if the changes became permanent…
Passenger A: Hi. Single ticket to Covent Garden, please.
Guard: Sorry - where?
Passenger A: Covent Garden?
Guard: Sorry, mate - never heard of it.
Passenger B: I think he means Graeme Souness.
Guard: Oh Graeme Souness. Why didn’t you say?
(Sound of ticket being issued)
Passenger A: Graeme Souness?
Passenger B: It’s since the 150th anniversary of the FA. The names of all the underground stations were changed to those of footballers and it proved so popular that they became permanent.
Passenger A: Really? So there’s no more Clapham Junction?
Passenger B: No. It’s Dwight Yorke now.
Passenger A: Baker Street?
Passenger B: Alex Ferguson.
Passenger A: Waterloo?
Passenger B: Stanley Matthews.
Passenger A: What about Oxford Circus?
Passenger B: Michael Owen.
Passenger A: Oh.…So what happens if you don’t like football?
Passenger B: Ssh! Don’t say that out loud.
Passenger A: What? That I don’t like football?
Guard: Excuse me, sir. Did I just hear you say that you don’t like football?
Passenger A: Yes, I did. Why? Is that a problem?
Guard: No problem at all, sir. £50 fine please.
Passenger A: What? £50?
Guard: Yes, sir. New directive. As displayed by this sign here – see? No smoking, fouling or disrespecting football. Fine £50.
Passenger A: All right – here you are.
Guard: Thank you, sir. Now move along please – the 13.20 from Gordon Banks is due any minute.
Passenger A: Oh…Cockfosters!
Guard: And the same to you, sir.

Monday 28 October 2013

Sunday 27 October 2013

Flowery Language - 'Cockscomb'

Another entry from my Flowery Language collection - exploring potential mix-ups caused by the common names of flowers.
Today, Celosia cristata which is also known as Cockscomb.

Saturday 26 October 2013

Tudor Tunes

A personal fascination for me since about the age of 6 has been the Tudor monarchs and on rare (ahem) occasions when I’m bored I find myself starting to create little tunes about them.
These were penned on a recent trip to Hampton Court when the event on that day was the marriage of Henry VIII and Catherine Parr (for the tune think London Bridge).

Henery’s getting married today
Married today, married today
Henery’s getting married today
Come and see it

Catherine Parr he will wed
He will wed, he will wed
Catherine Parr he will wed
He’s decreed it

Cath’rine Parr loves someone else
Someone else, someone else
Cath’rine Parr loves someone else
Can’t you see it

Thomas Seymour is her love
Is her love, is her love
Thomas Seymour is her love
Can’t deny it

Thomas Seymour she must leave
She must leave, she must leave
Thomas Seymour she must leave
Must realise it

Henery is fading fast
Fading fast, fading fast
Henery is fading fast
Won’t survive it

Henery has passed away
Passed away, passed away
Henery has passed away
We’re glad of it

Cath’rine Parr is free once more
Free once more, free once more
Cath’rine Parr is free once more
She survived it

Thomas Seymour she will wed
She will wed, she will wed
Thomas Seymour she will wed
Won’t be denied it

Cath’rine Parr is expecting
Expecting, expecting
Cath’rine Parr is expecting
She can’t hide it

Thomas Seymour he wants Liz
He wants Liz, he wants Liz
Thomas Seymour he wants Liz
He can’t fight it

Catherine sent Liz away
Liz away, Liz away
Catherine sent Liz away
Couldn’t stand it

Cath’rine Parr gives birth today
Gives birth today, gives birth today
Cath’rine Parr gives birth today
She can’t fight it

Cath’rine Parr has passed away
Passed away, passed away
Cath’rine Parr has passed away
We decry it

What becomes of her fair child
Her fair child, her fair child
What becomes of her fair child
We don’t know it

(No-one knows for sure what happened to Catherine and Thomas' daughter Mary although there are theories ranging from grew up and got married to died in infancy. Personally I believe the fact she disappears from historical record after the age of about 2 or 3 is very telling)

Friday 25 October 2013

Homeland sketch - Newsreview

At the suggestion of a friend, I recently wrote and submitted a few sketches to the topical radio series Newsjack. Never heard anything so presumably they weren't what they were looking for. Hope you enjoy them though. 
Technically, they don't really belong in the Newsreview collection, but I figured Newsrevue and Newsjack were close enough. The idea behind today's entry was mixing the idea of yawning being catching with the new series of Homeland (although it could also be applied to Spooks).


Intro: Homeland returned to our screens last weekend and as the series gets underway we’ll soon find out what direction the plotlines will take us maybe even factoring in recent political developments…
Carrie: Chief - Al-Qaeda have just sent a new message. They’re telling us they’re about to unleash a new contagion.
Boss: Any more details?
Carrie: Not as yet, Chief. They won’t tell us what symptoms are or even (yawns) where they’re likely to release it.
Boss: Damn! Any ideas of the likely impact this will have?
Carrie: No, Chief. But they say (yawn) they say we’ll now when it arrives.
Boss: Right. Wait! Carrie - why are you yawning?
Carrie: Yawning, chief? What are you (yawn) I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh no! Could this be one of the symptoms?
David: I don’t know. But whatever it is. We’ve got to (yawn) find out what their plan is and…Oh no - I’m yawning too! Oh my God! It’s contagious!
Boss: What do we do, Chief?
David: We can’t take any chances - we’ll have to put ourselves into quarantine right now. Shut down the entire facility. Do the same with DC – we don’t know how far this thing has spread.
Carrie: But Chief that’ll mean shutting down the US government - how on earth are we going to get away with that?
Boss: Oh… make something up. Tell them it’s because Congress couldn’t agree on a new budget.
Carrie: Yes, Chief.

Thursday 24 October 2013

Suet sketch - Mercorabilia

Another rare and special treat today as I present my third sketch from my Mercorabilia collection - a selection of sketches inspired by a certain Souvenir Programme but written by yours truly.


A: What did the chef do to the recipe book that stole his idea?
B: I don’t know.
A: Suet.
<audience laughs (hopefully)>
B: How did he do that?
A: What?
B: How did he sue a book?
A: Well, he didn’t, did he? It’s a joke.
B: Is it?
A: Yes!
B: Why?
A: <sighs> Because suet – like sago – is a pudding.
B: Suet.
A: Yes.
B: Really?
A: Yes.
B: <pauses> It doesn’t sound like a very nice pudding.
A: Well it doesn’t have to be, does it? It’s just a joke. I could have done one about a black forest gateau.
B: Oh – why didn’t you? I like them.
A: Because it doesn’t fit, does it? What did the chef do the recipe book that stole his idea? Black forest gateau.
B: How about what kind of cake do you find in a deep dark wood?
A: Listen – I do the jokes around here.
B: You sure?
A: Ok. What comes out of a sugar and milk train?
B: I don’t know.
A: A cream puff.
B: <pauses> I don’t like them.
A: Oh – you…!

Wednesday 23 October 2013

University - Newsreview

One of the first parody songs I wrote and submitted to Newsrevue - and coincidentally one of the first I'm still waiting to hear back as to whether or not they liked it but hopefully you will.
It focuses (as if you can't guess) on the steadily yet irrepressibly rising tuition fees at university.


Obviously University not by McFly 
All my life I've been,
Hoping and dreaming
To get a degree,
And set myself free.
From parents.

I got good marks and
Thought this meant I would stand
A good chance to get
A place and be set
For life yeah

Been so many hikes now
I find myself wond’ring what I’ll do now.

University,
It’s out of my reach,
I'm wastin' my time
It’s just too high to climb
& I know I never will afford to study there.
No, no
Never could afford to study there.

Kinda lost hope now
I won’t get in now. No
Won’t get my day and won’t get to stay, for three years.

Clegg said he’d help me (Clegg said he’d help me)
So what good is an apology, oh.

University,
It’s out of my reach,
I'm wastin' my time
It’s just too high to climb
& I know I never will afford to study there.
No, no
Never could afford to study there.

It’s outta my hands
I don’t have a leg on to stand
Cos I can’t afford all the fees
Afford all the fees (afford, afford, afford the fees)
(can’t afford the fees) Can’t afford the fees

University,
It’s out of my reach,
I'm wastin' my time
It’s just too high to climb
I know I never will afford to study there.
University,
It’s out of my reach,
I'm wastin' my time
It’s just too high to climb
I know I never will afford to study there.
University,
It’s out of my reach,
I'm wastin' my time
It’s just too high to climb
I know I never will afford to study there.
No, no
Never could I afford to study there.

Tuesday 22 October 2013

Favourite Kings - Horrific Histories

As there is currently a thunderstorm going on outside, I thought now would be a good time to start singing about our favourite things. Or, in the case of this parody I wrote for Horrible Histories, 'Favourite Kings'.
All together now...


Favourite Things Kings not from The Sound of Music

Tudors and Stuarts and then Hanoverians
Plantagenets and lets not leave the Normans
(Of) Lancaster, Yorkists and Windsors I’ll sing
(And) tell you a few of my favourite kings

King Henry the Eighth now he had six weddings
Richard the First - Lionheart was his heading
King George III he said lots of weird things
These are a few of my favorite kings

King Henry the Fifth beat the French quite soundly
George the Fourth sadly he was quite roundly
King Charles the First he had a sad ending
These are a few of my favorite kings



It’s a list of
Just a few of
Kings that we have known
There are many more for you still left in store
So please sit there and don’t moan



Tudors and Stuarts and then Hanoverians
Plantagenets and lets not leave the Normans
(Of) Lancaster, Yorkists and Windsors I’ll sing
(And) tell you a few of my favourite kings

William the Conqueror he won us at Hastings
Richard III at Bosworth took a pasting
Edward the Eighth said that love was the thing

These are a few of my favourite kings

Let’s not forget all the queens that we have had
Some were quite good queens but then some were quite bad
Liz, Mary, Anne & Queen Vic was the thing
(But) this is a list of my favourite kings

It’s a list of
Just a few of
Kings that we have had
There are many more for you still left in store
But I’m out of time too bad

Sunday 20 October 2013

It Gets Knocked Down - Horrific Histories

I paid a brief visit to Shakespeare's Globe today to take in the magnificence and splendour of the Lions Part's October Plenty festival so I thought today I'd share a song I penned (or rather parodied) for Horrible Histories about that very building.


‘It Gets Knocked Down’ not by Chumbawumba
In fifteen nine nine
It’s looking fine
In fifteen nine nine

It gets knocked down
Then built back up again
You're never gonna keep it down
It gets knocked down
We build it up again
You're never gonna keep it down

It’s the Globe Theatre
It’s the Globe Theatre
The Chamberlain’s Men planned
A theatre so grand
On Thames bank to stand
And by them be manned
Then in sixteen thirteen we heard
A cannon sound
And sadly the theatre was
Burned to the ground

Oh, have no fear
Have no fear

It gets knocked down
Then built back up again
You're never gonna keep it down
It gets knocked down
We build it up again
You're never gonna keep it down

It’s the Globe Theatre
It’s the Globe Theatre
The very next year
The Globe did reappear
And it did stay here
For many more a year
Then came the puritans who on
Fun they did frown
And then because of them
The Globe was shut down

Still don’t worry
It’s not over

It gets knocked down
Then built back up again
You're never gonna keep it down
It gets knocked down
We build it up again
You're never gonna keep it down

It gets knocked down
(A replica)
Then built back up again
You're never going to keep it down
(Stands not too far)
It gets knocked down
(From where they are)
We build it up again
You're never going to keep it down
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)

Saturday 19 October 2013

Triffic signs

Today I thought I'd share my attempt to apply my captioning skills to everyday roadsigns in which I succeeded in coming up with… well, see you for yourself.


Friday 18 October 2013

McDonalds sketch - Mercorabilia

For your (hopefully) entertainment and delight, may I humbly present the second sketch from my Mercorabilia collection - a selection of sketches inspired by a certain Souvenir Programme but written by yours truly.


(Scene: A Fast Food Restaurant)
Customer: Now have you got all that?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: You’re sure? You don’t want to run through it – just to check?
Cashier: No. No – I think I’ve got it.
Customer: Really?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: You don’t want to say it back to me? Just to see?
Cashier: No – I should be fine.
Customer: Really?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: …Oh go on! That’s the whole reason I ordered it!
Cashier: That’s the whole reason you ordered it?
Customer: Yes!
Cashier: You mean you don’t actually want to eat it?
Customer: Of course I don’t actually want to eat it! Who on earth would want to?
Cashier: So the whole point of you ordering it was for me to say it.
Customer: Yes!
Cashier: Right. Next!
Customer: No. No – wait. Look…look – this is a restaurant, right?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: And I’m the customer, right?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: And the customer’s always right?
Cashier: Mmm.
Customer: So…?
Cashier: Well – sir – look at it this way. …This is a restaurant, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Cashier: We serve food, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Cashier: People come in here who want food.
Customer: Mmm.
Cashier: Food that they actually want to eat. So…?
Customer: Ok. Ok. Look – if you’ll just say the order for me and I promise I’ll go away.
Cashier: You promise?
Customer: I promise – Scout’s Honour.
Cashier: Ok (clears throat). Sir – you ordered… twoallbeefpatties,specialsauce,lettuce,cheese,pickles,onionsonasesameseedbun!
Customer: Yaay!
(Possibly have voiceoff: Got it – one big mac)
Cashier: Happy now, sir?
Customer: Yes.
Cashier: Good. Next!

Thursday 17 October 2013

WHO said it sketch - Newsreview

Another excerpt from my Newsreview collection today. This time a play on the famous 'Who's on first' sketch by Abbott & Costello altered to centre around the World Health Organisation - which is also known as WHO.
I wrote it around this time last year for the last World Mental Health Day on October 10th.
(If you're interested in seeing the the article I used to start off the sketch, you can find it here:
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/notes/2012/mental_health_day_20121009/en/)


Who Said It 's On First not by Abbott & Costello
Abbott: Well, let's see here. Ah, yes - The World Health Organisation or WHO said they calling for an end to the stigmatization of depression and other mental disorders and for better access to treatment for all people who need it.
Costello: That's an interesting thing to find out.
Abbott: I say WHO said this as part of World Mental Health Day
Costello: Are you serious?
Abbott: What.
Costello: You just read the article?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the company’s name?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who said it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the company's name.
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: The one that said it.
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: The organisation.
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: The people that...
Abbott: WHO said it!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who said it.
Abbott: That's the company's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you know which company said it?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who was it?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you said that a company had made that announcement, who said it?
Abbott: They sure did.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the company’s name that said it.
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: The company that said...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who said it...
Abbott: They did, every word. And they should know – they were founded in 1948.
Costello: Who was?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you said a company had made that announcement on World Mental Health day, how was the company’s name written?
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: The company.
Abbott: WHO.
Costello: How was it writ...
Abbott: That's how they wrote it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the company’s name that said it.
Abbott: No. WHAT is nothing to do with it.
Costello: I'm not asking who's nothing to do with it.
Abbott: WHO’s the one that said it.
Costello: Make up your mind!
Abbott: Well, don't change the subject.
Costello: I'm not changing nothing!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the company that said it?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.

Admittedly it's not as long as the original which goes on to mention people being on second, third, pitching etc which doesn't quite fit in with the sketch.