Nursery Crhymes

A one-off never-to-be-repeated special for Saturday - my Nursery Crhymes.

When I was in Year 10 at school I was introduced to ‘text transformation’ and realised I’d discovered my niche. I subsequently penned the following parodies of well-known nursery rhymes.

Nursery Rhymes of the Future 

Fifteen ticks and a tock

The mouse has broken the clock

He didn’t mean to

He’ll fix it with glue

And won’t have to stand in the dock

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

His wife could eat no lean

And so between them both you see

They became vegetarians

 

Cobbler, cobbler I’m feeling blue

And what do you think that I can do

I thought you could give my shoes a treat

And then I will have happy feet

 

Hey diddle diddle

The cat dropped his fiddle

'Cause the cow bumped into the moon

The little dog laughed

At what they done

And got bashed on the head by the spoon

 

Little Bo Peep

Has lost her sheep

She doesn’t know what she did with them

They were right behind her

As they passed the butcher

But now she simply can’t find them

 

Sing a song of tuppence

A pocketful of dust

Four and twenty houseflies

Were baked into the crust

And when the crust was eaten

People began to wail

And the baker who had baked the pie

Was sent down to the jail

 

There was a little girl

And she had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead

But when her mum came and cut it off...

You should have heard her language it was horrid

 

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea,

Too far away for me to see;

I thought he would marry me,

Bonny Bobby Shafto!

Bobby Shafto's tall and fair,

Always combing down his hair;

But when I need him he’s not there,

Bl**dy Bobby Shafto!

 

Mary was a little lamb

She really was angelic

Until she hit her teenage years

And became psychadelic

 

Seesaw margery daw

Johnny shall have a new master

He shall have but a tenner a day

Because he can’t pedal no faster

 

Old King Cole

Was a silly old soul

What a silly old soul was he

He called for a pipe

And he called for a bowl

'Cause he really needed a pee

 

Pease porridge hot

Pease porridge cold

Pease porridge in the pot

Covered with mould

 

Twinkle, twinkle little space meteor

How I wonder what the government is going to do about you

Up above the world so high (but getting closer all the time)

Like a big lump of rock in the sky

Twinkle, twinkle little space meteor

Please pass us by – Mars isn’t far.

 

Half a pound of ambrosia rice pudding (with a layer of melted chocolate and several tablespoons of demerara sugar)

Half a pound of treacle caramel sauce

Mix it up (with three chocolate gateaux and half a dozen mega chocolate milkshakes) and make it nice

Pop goes the weasel!