Minister of the House - Newsreview

Today another excerpt from my Newsreview collection - songs and sketches I wrote and submitted to Newsrevue at the Canal Café Theatre in London. This one went through several redrafts - initially it referred to David Cameron - was created shortly after Nick Clegg attempted to reconnect with the British public with a heartfelt apology and presumably around the time Les Mis was in vogue.

Master Minister of the House from Les Miserables
Thenardier (Clegg):
Welcome to all, come do sit down
I am the best deputy in town
Can't trust the rest, they're all just crooks:
Selling their votes and fiddling the books
But here you can see
Someone such as me
Honest and do my best
You impressed? You will be.
Minister of the house, doing no-one harm
Wherever Cam'ron goes I'll stay on his arm
Formed a coalition, plan to take a stand
Voters will appreciate a helping hand
Glad to do PM a favour
Although it might make you moan
I can't control the gov'ment
But neither can Cameron on his own!
Minister of the house, Liberal Democrat
Working for the public but I'm just a ?
Help to change the rules, for the good of state
'pologisin' publically will set things straight
Oh how I do love Cameron
I am his most loyal friend
I do whatever he wants
And I will stick with him to the end!/And for him over I'll bend!

Drinkers (Voters):
Minister of the house, avoiding your eye
Lets so many redeem chances pass him by
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great
Coward and class traitor, he is no-one's mate!
Cameron's boon companion
Cameron's chaperone

Thenardier (Cameron):
Of course your can trust me
I am honourable to the bone!
Good day good sir, how do you do
Let me explain, just how I got through
Aimed to assist, the workers today
But instead I will help make them pay
Here we make the rules
However we decide
No payment's overlooked
And you're pension's fried
Men beyond compare. Men beyond belief
Say they're for the people when they're just a thief
Don't care one fig for (the) proletariat
Indulge in a scandal when one drops a hat
But you see I am not like them
I am more covert and snide
Help to pass the laws and
Ignore their new extras on the side!
Charge 'em for working, extra for shirking
Cos the people's wage packets are for plucking
Think you won't notice a benefit cut
Say I'm here to help you but my door is shut
When it comes to screwing voters
There are lots of tricks we knows
Watch your wealth decreasing, how we enjoy fleecing
Sorry - that is just the way it goes!

Chorus (Voters):
Minister of the house, cause of our poor plight
Thinks a remixed sorry speech will make it right
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great
Coward and class traitor, he is no-one's mate!
Cameron's boon companion
Gives him everything he's got

Thenardier (Cameron):
Swore to help the people
But I have to work with what I've got!

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
I used to think that we had found a prince
But don't you worry, I have learnt my lesson since
Minister of the house. Trust him far as spit!
Democrat and liberal - what a load of shit!
S'posed to help us out, make all our lives fair
Thinks he's so popular but he's screwed up there
What did we do to deserve this pathetic and sniv'lling mouse
Tell me how he helps us working with the bastard of the house!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
Minister of the house!

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Minister? Maybe half!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
'Comforter, philosopher'

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Don't make me laugh!

Thenardier (Cameron) & Drinkers (Voters):
Ignoring the poor, brown-nosing the great

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Hypocrite and toady and invertebrate!

Drinkers (Voters):
Shall we raise a glass to Cameron?
And the deputy of the house?

Thenardier (Cameron):
May I ask you raise your glass

Mme. Thenardier (Member of the public):
Raise it up the minister's arse!

All:

Everybody raise a glass to the Minister of the House!