Bessie - !!!NEW!!!

 Two historical parody songs in one month! I'm spoiling you!

Ruby Bessie not by Kaiser Chiefs

Sadly it must be said my marriage is dead
'Cause there's no little boy in the royal cot bed
If there’s one thing I need, it’s a son to succeed
But my dear queen it seems cannot give this to me

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie

We’ve been married so long back since fifteen oh nine
It all started so well thought that we would be fine
But now it’s looking bleak and I keep losing heart
I need to find something new maybe make a fresh start

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie

Could it be could it be that you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really all down to me
Could it be could it be that you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really over for me

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do

I'm The One That You Want - !!!NEW!!!

Given how hard it is to write satirical parodies these days (seeing as real life is tending to exceed anything that comedians could come up with), I thought I'd revert to my previous historical parodies.

You're The One That I Want I'm The One That You Want not from Grease

My name’s Kat-
herine Howard
And so pure it would seem
Though new at court was not long until
I became the new queen!

I started so young
'Cause of just one man
So innocent – had no clue
I soon came undone
But that was his grand plan
Manox if he only knew
That I want
That I wanted someone new 

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

Ever since I 
Was a young girl
Men they all wanted me
They would woo and caress me
All the day

So then I moved on
I found a new man
Oh what a man
Who I treated as a spouse
But even Dereham
Has now been surpassed
Because at last
My destiny has now come
Now the queen
To his will I will succumb

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

The one that you want!

From The Mind of Merc - Leadership

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about leadership.

According to the Center for Creative Leadership, the 10 characteristics of a Good Leader are: integrity, ability to delegate, communication, self-awareness, gratitude, learning agility, influence, empathy, courage, respect.

So how does our own leader, the inexorable Boris Johnson, stack up:

1) Integrity - Nope. He'll back whatever horse is winning
2) Ability to delegate - (as in facilitate teamwork rather than pass the buck so) Nope!
3) Communication - Nope. Incredible stutterer though.
4) Self-awareness - Ha! Nope.
5) Gratitude - Definitely not (clapforNHS does not count)
6) Learning agility - (ability to know what to do when you don’t know what to do) Absolute fail!
7) Influence - (through logical or emotional appeals) Could have done - if he didn't ignore his own rules
8) Empathy - Given block of Grenfell recommendations and NHS pay rise, Nope!
9) Courage - More like cowardly lion. The man hid in a fridge to avoid an interview!
10) Respect - With comments like piccaninnies and watermelon smiles, does he know what this means?

Don't agree with the list? How about Forbes - they define 8 Essential Qualities of Great Leadership as: sincere enthusiasm, integrity, great communication skills, loyalty, decisiveness, managerial competence, empowerment, charisma.

Let's break them down again:

1) Sincere enthusiasm - Again not convinced he knows what this means
2) Integrity - Nope.
3) Great communication skills - See above.
4) Loyalty - In this instance it means to employees etc. so Nope.
5) Decisiveness - Ha! He's U-Turn Central
6) Managerial competence - Ditto
7) Empowerment - Hell no. He wants it all.
8) Charisma - Again not a word I'm convinced he's familiar with

Still not trusting the source? How about the government's own website? An article on there says there are 11 key features of leadership. (Paraphrased) these are: understand how to have positive impact, be prepared to lead, win and retain respect, motivate and inspire others, clear sense of purpose and direction, good communicator, lead the delivery, manage your energy, build the right team around, trust your instinct, accept that we all make mistakes.

So one more time:

1.   Understand how to have positive impact - Nope!

2.   Be prepared to lead - Nope. Hid in a fridge.

3.   Win and retain respect - Nope.

4.   Motivate and inspire others - Definitely nope. Have you seen the number of anti-maskers out there?

5.   Clear sense of purpose and direction - Nope. U-turn Central.

6.   Good communicator - Nope again.

7.   Lead the delivery - More like avoid the blame.

8.   Manage your energy - Ok, this one he can do. He's very good at taking holidays - even illegal ones!

9.   Build the right team around you - If this means right for him, yes. If right for everyone else, nope!

10. Trust your instinct - Again, he can do this one. But given he fails the others, this is not good thing.

11. Accept that we all make mistakes - Nope. It's never his fault (apparently).

Webster's dictionary defines accountability as:

the quality or state of being accountable
especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actionsI wonder if he, or indeed anyone in the Tory government, is aware of that.

What time is it, Eccles (modernised) - Mercorabilia

I'm a big fan of The Goon Show and, inspired by a comment I saw online, I thought it'd be fun to try and create how the infamous 'What time is it?' skit if it had been written using modern technology.

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I, I've got a screenshot of it ’ere on my mobile. A nice man did it for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
Eccles:  Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
Eccles:  What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It's showin on this screenshot here, what is eight o'clock, is showin.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to do it for me, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles:  Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Ooohhh...
Eccles:  [Smacks lips] Yeah.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles:  I've got a screenshot of it on my mobile!
Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a mobile phone with the time screenshot on.
Eccles:  Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles:  Yah.

Bluebottle: Let me hold that mobile to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This mobile phone ain't tickin'.

Eccles:  What? I've been sold a forgery!

Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.

Eccles:  Oh dear.

Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.

Eccles:  Oooohhh?

Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.

Eccles:  Oooohhh.

Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.

Eccles:  Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um.

Bluebottle: His secretary.

Eccles:  Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?

Bluebottle: She's got a screenshot of it on her mobile!

And if anyone's wondering why he didn't just look at the time on his phone... this is Eccles we're talking about

Show Black Matters - !!!NEW!!!

Given the recent shameful outcome over Breonna Taylor's murder, I felt it was appropriate to share this. #BLM

Show Black Matters not by Irving Berlin

Black lives matter like (all) lives matter but black lives are threatened
Everyone needs to understand about this, the point is simply to stop wrongs and
Anyone who knows they’re not a racist just cannot resist to take a stand

Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Even if you can’t see similarities, that doesn’t mean that their life should cease
Nobody is perfect, you can guarantee, and they shouldn’t be dead

Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Are no longer part of this world because
Breonna, and Tony, and Ahmaud and George
Were thought by corrupt cops to (have) broken laws.
We sadly bid these poor people goodbye, they shouldn’t have been killed should they - so why?

Black lives matter like (all) lives matter so don’t tell me that’s wrong
Everyone upon this earth’s a person, regardless of the colour of their skin
We cannot allow racism to worsen, it’s a perversion, don’t let it win

Black (or) white people are all people, they feel and they bleed red
Why’s this still an issue it just seems so wrong, it’s been going on for far too long
There shouldn’t be a reason to write this song and they shouldn’t be dead

You hear again in all the newspapers that a black person’s been killed again
How is it, the victims are the traitors? Ignore the haters, this all must end

Even though the bias seems to reach up high, that doesn’t mean this thinking should fly
We will never let this injustice go by, as they shouldn’t be dead

From The Mind of Merc - COV-ID Deniers

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the people who for some reason best known (or perhaps solely known) to them seem to think that the rules and restrictions relating to the COV-ID lockdown don't apply to them, are part of a conspiracy theory or worse that the entire pandemic is a hoax.

It led me to create this cartoon:

The One That You Forgot - !!!NEW!!!

Thought I'd take a break from my topical compositions and return to my parody-writing roots with a song about the infamous Other Boleyn Girl. Hope you enjoy!

The One That Got Away You Forgot not by Katy Perry 

I was newly married, when we first met
You’d just finished with Bessie - on me you were set
And it seemed not long after, I became your mistress

You wooed me into your arms with all the things you said
All the gifts and rewards they went to my head
Who was I to know that you’d cause such distress

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

Gave birth to a daughter called Catherine
My husband had to accept my life of sin
And then eventually, I gave birth to your son, oh

But by now it seemed that I was too late
My sister wanted to be great
She turned your head with words and I soon found you’d gone

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

The one, the one, the one
The one that you forgot

After all that you did to set yourself free, oh
She couldn’t give you a son you see, no
I bet you wish that you had chosen me, whoa
And soon she paid the price

In another world, I would be your wife
You would never leave me no, we’d be married for life
In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

The one (the one)
The one (the one)
The one (the one)

In another world, I would win your heart
So nobody would say I was the one that you forgot
The one that you forgot

Shout Out To My Ex (Boss) - !!!NEW!!!

I got made redundant last month - I was quite shocked as you'd think someone whose work focuses on the online arena would be fairly safe. Guess I should have known better. Anyway, I thought I'd use a song by Little Mix to express how I feel about the situation.

Shout Out To My Ex (Boss) not by Little Mix

This is a shout out to my ex (boss)
Seems he doesn’t need me any more
That’s why he kicked me out the door
Don’t know quite what he did that for

I still wish him every success
Hope he doesn’t regret what he did, no
Find that I’m the one that he wanted
Good luck, sir - cause you will need it

He thinks that he knows how
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Oh, I came up with all your plans
But yet you seemed to forget this
After you got what you wanted
You thought you could get by without me
So now I’ve more time on my hands
And though it seems I’m at a loss, maybe
There’s a point I want to get across, today
Cause you will learn just what you lost, what you lost, uh

He thinks that he knows how
To do my job - not true I vow
But I could have shown him the way
If he had agreed to let me stay
That’s his choice yet now I’ll survive, I’ll survive, yeah

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
(No need to curse)
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you wanted me out
(Yes you wanted me out)

Shout out to my ex (boss), I will not shout or curse
You messed up my plans but it’s you that came off worse
Here's to my ex (boss), look what you’ve done now
(Just look at what you’ve done now)
You’ll wish that you kept me in
Even though, boss, you, boss you wanted me out

(Yes you wanted me out)

From the Mind of Merc - Good and Bad Deeds

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the idea that a good deed cancels out a bad deed. Tbh, I think this is to blame for a lot more bad deeds than good deeds.

If this is true, than people who are regularly ‘bad’ can supposedly excuse or justify themselves by committing ‘good deeds’. The person in question is not changed – they just believe they are not bad because they did one ‘good’ thing. Consequently a bad person can convince themselves they are not so because the one ‘good’ thing they did means the ‘bad’ thing, in effect, didn’t happen. For me, this means the whole concept is undeniably flawed. And in more ways than one.

Firstly, it seemingly allows bad deeds to happen so long as good deeds continue to happen as well. How can this be ok?

It makes me wonder if this is how the Tory government sleeps at night and how they can convince themselves they are still good people despite the considerable damage they have done to the country - the most blatant (non-COVID related) example being that, since the Tories came to power, life expectancy in the UK has gone DOWN. Yes, you read that right – DOWN. But all these bad deeds are supposedly ok because of any ‘good deeds’ they’ve done.

This is not how this should work. This is little better than spin – it is not right to allow bad deeds to go unnoticed or to be forgotten or hidden just because of the occasional act that is not ‘bad’. And it certainly is not acceptable behaviour for a country’s leadership or government.

There is also the matter of whether the ‘good deeds’ could actually be viewed as that or if it just seems that way from their perspective because they can see the benefit but that’s a discussion for another day.

Secondly, a good deed does NOT cancel out a bad deed. If someone commits a good deed, that does not mean the bad deed did not happen – it just means they are not a completely bad person.

If someone seriously wishes to atone for their actions then it is not and cannot be a quick fix solution. Years of misdeeds cannot be wiped out by one good one. But one good one is an important and worthwhile start on the path to atonement as, surely, the whole point of the concept itself was that one good deed is the start of turning over a new leaf rather than equating to the eradication of all previous bad deeds. It was a way of recognising what happened in the past was wrong and should not happen again.

Perhaps now, when the country is returning to a new ‘normal’, is the best time to realise this and to start to change our viewpoint – no more excuses, no more delusion, no more denial. Acceptance, acknowledgement, accountability.

After all, when someone’s been wronged, the main thing they want is an apology from the person who’s wronged them. No-one should be exempt from that – not even governments.

The idea might be to avoid showing a sign of weakness but it’s actually not apologising that’s the sign of weakness as it shows a refusal to accept the situation, to acknowledge the wrongdoing and take accountability for what shouldn’t have happened. That can be much more damaging than any apology could ever be.

So, if you’ve committed bad deeds and you’re sorry for them the message shouldn’t be ‘doing good deeds cancels them out’, it should be that doing good deeds starts to help undo the hurt the bad deeds caused. It doesn’t mean the bad deeds didn’t happen – they did and this must be understood - but it does mean you’re not allowing them to continue.

F*ck You - !!!NEW!!!

This one's not much of adaptation but still a valid message so I thought I'd post it.
Lily Allen's 2009 song Fuck You was apparently written about George W. Bush. However, I figured a lot of the lyrics were still prevalent and - with a little tweaking - could easily be about the current incumbent. So tweak I did.

Fuck You not (entirely) by Lily Allen

Look inside
Look inside your tiny mind
If you even can find it
'Cause we're so uninspired
So sick and tired of all the hatred you emit

So you say
It's not okay to be gay
Well, I think you're just evil
You're just some racist whose full of disgraces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch

Do you get
Do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
Don’t want to be like Obama
(Yet) It's approval you're after
Well, that's not how you find it

Do you
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control, you see
And you’re really distasteful

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
You’re destroying the States
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say
You think the virus is a hoax
Well, we wish that you were one
'Cause it's people like you that need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So, please don't stay in touch

Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)