Dreamworks Royalties sketch - Mercorabilia

As promised, here is my new sketch (direct from my new lodgings). Will try and fit my usual quota of monthly blog posts in before the end of this month. My mission should I choose to accept it...
Anyway, this sketch is along similar lines to my earlier Humphrey Dumpty one with the focus shifted slightly to another fictional character. 

<intercom buzzes>

Executive: Yes?

Secretary: Mr. Moon is here to see you.

Executive: Oh, great. Send him in.

Mr. Moon: Excuse me – are you the executive for Dreamworks?

Executive: I am. Pleased to meet you Mr. Moon. Sorry – I didn’t catch your first name.

Mr. Moon: Man-in-the.

Executive: So, Mr. Man-in-the Moon. What can I do for you?

Mr. Moon: Well, I’d like to talk to you about royalties.

Executive: I see.

Mr. Moon: As I understand it, you’ve made over 100 films. Is that right?

Executive: Yes, that’s right.

Mr. Moon: And you use my image at the start of every single of them.

Executive: Umm…

Mr. Moon: Don’t give me um – I’ve seen them. There I am – clear as day– sat on my little perch dangling my rod over the edge every time. And yet I’ve never seen a single penny for my work.

Executive: Right.

Mr. Moon: And it’s not exactly easy work - have you any idea how difficult it is to cast a perfect line without getting caught in one of the craters? Particularly as there’s no atmosphere that high up?

Executive: No.

Mr. Moon: Very.

Executive: I see.

Mr. Moon: And if that wasn’t enough – you even had that shark take the worm off my hook! I mean, a man’s got to live! What am I supposed to eat? Clouds? Thin air? The moon’s not made of cheese, you know.

Executive: Really? You do surprise me.

Mr. Moon: And don’t even think about paying me in porridge – that stuff is lethal.

Secretary: Mr. Moon? Your balloons are waiting.

Mr. Moon: Ah – my ride’s here. Well, I think I’ve made my point. Thank you for your time.

Executive: Just one moment – did she say ‘balloons’?

Mr. Moon: Yes – that’s how I get home.

Executive: Really? Just float up into the air until you reach the moon?

Mr. Moon: Yes.

Executive: Hmm. Tell me, Mr. Moon, have you ever considered a career with NASA?

Dear Readers...

Iwasverymuchamused would like to apologise for the temporary hiatus in this blog. 

This has been caused by my relocation 100 miles further north due to shortage of work.

Normal service will be resumed on 21st September (BT willing)

From The Mind of Merc - Disney Part 2: Observations

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the plot holes in Disney films. 

This one’s slightly different and it highlights the lack of common sense found in most Disney princesses.

For example:

Princess & the Frog: Why couldn’t Tiana, with all her street smarts, think to say “How about we sign this paperwork for the mill now so it’s legally binding and you can’t sell it out from under me?”

Tangled: Why didn’t either of Rapunzel’s parents or the guards think to say “Hey Maximus, this is Rapunzel’s baby blanket. Got the scent? Fetch!

Pocahontas: Did it slip John Smith’s mind to say “Oh yeah – actually, guys, there’s no gold here.” (Jake Sully take note)

Hunchback of Notre Dame: Had the Archdeacon of Notre Dame taken a vow of silence? “Quasi – your mum was a gypsy and Frollo killed her. He’s the one who’s ashamed of you.”

Enchanted: If Pip could speak before he entered the real world – which is presumably how he communicated to the Prince what had happened to Giselle – why didn’t he add “Btw, your stepmother did it. And I think Nathaniel’s working for her too.”

Sleeping Beauty: How about Aurora’s parents telling her “Hey Aurora, do us a favour and don’t touch any spindles. Because if you do you will die.”

Frozen: Why couldn’t Elsa’s parents think to say “Elsa, your powers are super cool – literally. Never be afraid of them and never hide who you are because that will end badly”

Brave: Or maybe Merida’s mum could have said “Enough with this training stuff – I know you know it – how about some mother-daughter bonding time.” Or “You know what? Even though I’m just the queen I’m pretty powerful in my own right. Why shouldn’t a woman who’s the first born of her clan be the equal of the first born men?”

Lion King: Why couldn’t Simba have thought to tell the others that Scar killed Mufasa.

Cinderella: Why didn’t she think to tell the prince more about her and maybe suggest use something else to find her than her shoe size.

Little Mermaid: Exactly what was it that stopped Ariel WRITING DOWN her name and that she saved Eric? After all, she signed the contract with Ursula so she must be able to write.

Snow White: Why didn’t she think to use all those gems mined by the dwarves to either bribe the queen’s guards and/or buy the queen’s castle

The last four come from the inspiration for this entry - a post I found on Tumblr: http://ethulinda.tumblr.com/post/122501747445/nintendofiend-adventuretimewithlewis

Henry VIII & the CSA sketch - Mercorabilia

Ok - so the idea behind this one's pretty obvious but I still thought potentially amusing given Henry's lackadaisical approach to marriage and his children. And it was an excuse for me to go back to a favourite topic of mine - the Tudors.

Lawyer: Excuse me – would you be Henry Tudor?

Henry: I am. And that’s King Henry the Eighth to you, sunshine.

Lawyer: Forgive me, Mr. Eighth.

Henry: What can I do for you?

Lawyer: Well, actually, I’m from the Child Support Agency.

Henry: I’m sorry – what?

Lawyer: We’re a relatively new firm specialising in establishing child support in the event of the parents’ divorce.

Henry: Really?

Lawyer: You do realise now that that you’re on your third wife and that you’ve two children from your previous wives?

Henry: Hey – that’s not fair – the first two didn’t count.

Lawyer: Didn’t count?

Henry: Yeah – I was never really married to them at all.

Lawyer: According to who?

Henry: Me.

Lawyer: I see. Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Eighth, but in the eyes of the law it still counts as divorce and leaves you subject to child maintenance responsibilities.

Henry: Oh, does it now?

Lawyer: To be honest I’m surprised you’re in this mess. After all, did not you yourself say in your own work that marriage should last forever?

Henry: It’s do as I say – not as I do.

Lawyer: Well, that’s a poor system of government.

Henry: Right! <scribbles a document>

Lawyer: What are you doing?

Henry: Just passing a new law.

Lawyer: And what one’s this one?

Henry: I think I’ll call it the Act of Succession

Lawyer: You’ve already passed one of those.

Henry: This is the new version – basically it says anyone who argues with my decision is a traitor and should be executed.

Lawyer: Oh dear.

Henry: Yes. Guards!

<Guards enter and arrest lawyer>

Henry: Send for the Executioner!

Lawyer: Wait! You can’t do this.

Henry: Hold on – let me check. <flicks through law book> No – it’s fine.

Lawyer: Oh, bugger.

<Axe slices off head>

Humphrey Dumpty sketch - Mercorabilia

Supposedly a number of our traditional nursery rhymes have a basis in history. So what would happen if the 'origin' for one of our most famous rhymes decided to question its author...

Secretary: Mr. Anon? Your 1.30 is here.

Mr Anon: Thank you. Send him in.

Mr. Dumpty: Are you Mr. Anon?

Mr Anon: Yes, that’s me – Amos Anon – nursery rhymes writer extraordinaire. And who might you be?

Mr. Dumpty: My name’s Dumpty. Humphrey Dumpty.

Mr Anon: I see. And what can I do for you, Mr. Dumpty?

Mr. Dumpty: Well, Mr. Anon. it’s about a recent publication of yours that just happened to include a little anecdote about my life story.

Mr Anon: Really? I can’t think why. I thought you’d be thrilled to be included in my little book.

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, well – I have few points I’d like to raise.

Mr Anon: And what might those be?

Mr. Dumpty: Firstly – you spelt my name wrong. It’s Humphrey – not Humpty.

Mr Anon: Well, that’s poetic licence – Humpty Dumpty sounds better – it rhymes, you see.

Mr. Dumpty: Secondly, I’ve yet to see any royalties from this book.

Mr Anon: Ah, yes. That’s all down to the politics. We’re still waiting to hear how sales are doing. As soon as we’re in profit I’ll be sure to send you a cheque.

Mr. Dumpty: What’s that? It looks like a solid gold pen.

Mr Anon: No it’s just a very shiny yellow one. Anything else?

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, actually. Thirdly – and this is the most crucial point – thirdly – I am not an egg.

Mr Anon: That one’s not down to me. Our art department getting a little imaginative.

Mr. Dumpty: Well, it’s not very clever. I’m sick of people making comments like ‘The yolk’s on you’ whenever I fall off a wall.It’s not funny!

Mr Anon: (trying not to laugh) I’m sorry. No – you’re right, it’s not.

Mr. Dumpty: I mean it’s not my fault if I fall off a wall – I have an inner ear problem.

Mr Anon: I see.

Mr. Dumpty: The least you could do is pay my medical bills. Going private’s not cheap, you know. Have you any idea how much it costs to have the king’s physicians – the king’s men – tending to you?

Mr Anon: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Mr. Dumpty: Just count yourself lucky the horses didn’t get involved because it could have got even more pricier. As it was they were absolutely no use at pulling the ambulance. It’s lucky I’m alive at all.

Mr Anon: Yes, isn’t it.

Mr. Dumpty: And I know it’s not the first time you’ve caused trouble with your writing.

Mr Anon: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Mr. Dumpty: You got Little Boy Blue the sack! Going on about him sleeping on the job. And then publishing it! The minute his boss saw that he was out on his ear.

Mr Anon: Well, he shouldn’t have been so careless, should he? Anyway, he did all right for himself – I heard he got a gig at the local nightclub as their resident bugler.

Mr. Dumpty: That’s beside the point.

Mr Anon: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Dumpty. I’ll get on to it right away.

Mr. Dumpty: See that you do.

Mr. Anon: I will. I certainly wouldn’t want to have egg on my face.

Confrontation - !!!NEW!!!

A friend of mine has often commented on the similiarities between the musical Les Miserables and the 1993 film The Fugitive. So I decided to create a parody song mixing the two together and combining the song 'Confrontation' between Valjean and Javert and the infamous dam standoff between Kimble and Gerard.

Confrontation not from Les Miserables or The Fugitive

Gerard:
Kimble, at last,
I have you in my sights
Don’t dare to move
It’s the end of your plight

Kimble:
Before you decide to shoot me, Gerard
Before you send me back to face certain death
Listen to me! For I did not kill my wife.
I found her body when I returned home
I was sentenced to death that’s why I ran,
Found that I was left to carry the blame,
To clear my name, I need to find the man
Please let me go, I’m innocent.
Please let me go...

Gerard:
I cannot do that!
I've been ordered to bring you in
Kimble you are a fugitive
Kimble... I don’t care...

Gerard (in counterpoint):                     Kimble (in counterpoint)
I must do what I must do                    You say that but I know more
You must do what you must do
No, No, Richard Kimble                        I know it’s your job to ensure justice
That’s not what my job is                    You must know my true story
You’re a convict                                    When I found my wife was dead
I must arrest you, Richard Kimble       Tried to tell the cops the truth
Hands up now and on your knees      They choose to try me instead
Do it man but slowly now                     I’m not going to go so easily
I don’t want to know your tale            Won’t let you take me, Gerard
Not interested in your lies                    Been one step ahead so far
Each crook who thinks they can run  Not prepared to give in yet
Each crook who from justice flies        I will stay on the run
Underestimate Gerard                            I think you should know, Gerard
I am soon upon their trail                     I am a man on the edge
Always get my man it’s true!               If you choose to force my hand
And see now I have caught you!        I'll do what must be done!

[Kimble turns and looks out over the dam.]

Kimble: As you won’t listen to my voice

Gerard: Kimble - don’t do what you’re thinking

Kimble: Though I can understand your doubt

Gerard: Do not be stupid - think it through

Kimble: You’ve left me with no other choice.

Kimble & Gerard: The dam is my/your only way out!

[He jumps. Gerard runs forward to look. Kimble has escaped.]

From The Mind of Merc – Disney Part 1: Lessons

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the bad lessons Disney teaches girls.

I will just clarify that I am a HUGE Disney fan – what little girl doesn’t want to be a Disney princess – but it cannot be denied that Disney does send some terrible messages to children.
(And I’m not talking about the letters ‘SFX’ appearing displaced by Simba when he collapses on the cliff edge or the priest’s *ahem* knee in Little Mermaid)

For example, here are 12 bad lesson Disney teaches girls:

Lesson no. 1: Makeovers fix everything (Cinderella)

Lesson no. 2: Change who you are to be with a man (Little Mermaid)

Lesson no. 3: It’s ok to be with a man who molests you while you sleep (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White)

Lesson no. 4: Stay with a man who mistreats you (Beauty and the Beast)

Lesson no. 5: Wait to be rescued (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 6: Liars can be trusted (Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 7: Let someone else make all your decisions for you (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

Lesson no. 8: Ignore your parents’ advice (Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tangled)

Lesson no. 9: Magic is the only way to get what you want – hard work counts for nought (Cinderella, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Princess & the Frog)

Lesson no. 10: Marrying someone you just met is a great idea (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, etc....)

Lesson no. 11: You have to be stunningly beautiful and/or a princess to be happy – this includes having a waist thinner than your head)

Lesson no. 12: Keep holding out for your prince – even if it means kissing a lot of frogs (how many Disney men aren’t princes?)

Additional note: he must be handsome and rich

Ironic - !!!NEW!!!

Has anybody else been driven mad by the song 'Ironic' by Alanis Morisette? I have nothing against Ms. Morisette but she clearly doesn't seem to know what irony actually is (which, in a way, is kind of ironic). And so I've decided to rectify this by penning a 'parody' of her song staying as true as was possible to the original to show how with just a few tweaks it would make so much more sense.

Ironic (with corrections) not by Alanis Morisette
Hey yeah yeah

Yeah yea yea
Hey yeah

An old man turned ninety-eight
Folks thought him immortal then he died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
You asked for body but now say to throw it away
Isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to try

All sorts of new things - thought the risk was too high
Yet it’s this fear of his that caused him to die
Wouldn’t alter his course that day
He couldn’t see why
And isn’t it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

Well life has a funny way of turning round on you
When you think everything's makes sense and everything's going right, right
And life has a funny way sometimes of tripping you up when
You think the everything's gone right and then everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
Told the roads would be clear by that reporter you hate
It's like ten thousand spoons when you think you need a knife
Then you find a spoon would have done
Ooh yeah the irony is rife, mmm
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?
A little too ironic
And yeah, I really do think

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

And well, life has a funny way of turning round on you
And life has a funny, funny way of tripping you up
Tripping you up

King Arthur's Quest - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today with a hint of Python about it (think watery bint in a bikini). The inspiration for this being what if King Arthur's knights were slightly hard of hearing and weren't quite sure what their noble quest was for... 

Arthur: Knights of the Round Table. I have gathered you here today to ask you to embark on a great and noble quest.

Galahad: And what is that, oh king?

Arthur: I wish you to go out into the world and bring me back... The Holy Grail.

<fanfare>

Galahad: Are you sure?

Arthur: What do you mean – am I sure?

Galahad: Well, personally I can’t see anything wrong with the mail you’ve got on. What would you want some new stuff?

Arthur: Not mail – you idiots. Grail. The Holy Grail.

Galahad: Oh, right. Ok then. Shan’t be long.

<knights leave whistling merrily>

Arthur: Should I be worried, Merlin?

Merlin: I shouldn’t think so, sire. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.

Arthur: Hmm. Still they did seem to get confused over the distinction between mail and grail.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: That was quick.

Galahad: Well, it didn’t take long, you know. And we have found the object you seek.

Arthur: Really? Already? Where is it?

Galahad: Behold! <produces a weapon which clinks noisily> The Holy Flail.

Arthur: The Holy Fl.... Not flail, you metal morons. Grail. Grail. Got it.

Galahad: A thousand apologies, oh mighty king. We’ll try again.

Arthur: Just see that you get it right this time.

<knights leave>

Arthur: Honestly – you just can’t get the staff these days.

Merlin: Very well handled, sire.

Arthur: I guess I should have known this would happen when they thought I said mail first time.

Merlin: Well, to be fair, sire. You’re beard does rather obscure your voice a bit. Have you considered getting it trimmed?

Arthur: Are you suggesting that I..? Oh they’re back again.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: So I see. Did you get it?

Galahad: Yes, sire – behold.

<a bucket is placed on the floor in front of the king>

Arthur: Er... what is that?

Galahad: It is... The Holy Pail.

Arthur: Oh, for crying out loud. What is wrong with all of you? All that mead’s clouding your brain. Go back out there and find – listen closely – the Holy Gr-ail.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<knights leave>

Arthur: What am I supposed to do with this heap of rubbish?

Merlin: Why don’t you chuck it in the lake?

Arthur: Oh, I can’t do that.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake keeps chucking it back at me. Something about I’m ruining a site of natural beauty.

Merlin: Really?

Arthur: Yes. By the way – what’s Greenpeace?

Merlin: I’ve no idea, sire. Some new form of gentleman’s attire – a green codpiece?

Arthur: Oh, look who’s back.

Galahad: Sire – we have returned. We journeyed far and wide and we have found you did seek.

Arthur: You’re sure?

Galahad: Indeed, sire.

Arthur: Where is it then?

Galahad: I have it here in my hands, sire. Behold. <opens his hands to reveal a baby bird> The Holy Quail.

<Quail cheeps>

Arthur: Oh for pity’s sake. Look – I’m giving you just one more chance to get this right. This is your last warning. I want you to find... The... Holy... Gra-il. Now off you go. And don’t you dare come back without it.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<time passes>

Arthur: What can be taking them so long? They’ve been gone months.

Merlin: Well, you did say not to come back without it.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve forgotten what I said. Oh, wait - here they are.

Galahad: Sire, we have returned. We have travelled long and far and finally we wish to present you with this treasured relic which cost us 7 ducats to obtain. <knight holds out a relic wrapped in cloth>

Arthur: And you’re sure it’s the right one this time?

Galahad: Certain, sire. Behold. <knight uncovers the relic> The Holy Nail.

Arthur: Right. That’s it. I told you this was your last warning. You’ve been gone months and all you’ve got to show for it is some manky old bit of metalwork – which probably came out of one your saddles/suits of armour. Well, I’ve had enough. You can all think about what you’ve done in gaol. Guards!

Galahad: But, sire, what else could you expect us to do? We followed the Holy Trail as far as we could go.

Arthur: And you found nothing else?

Galahad: Well, actually, sire, there was other thing we came across.

Arthur: What is it?

Galahad: It’s this goblet.

<goblet produced along with angelic choral singing>

Arthur: Yes! Yes – that’s it!

Galahad: That’s it? Really? After all this time all you wanted was a beat up bit of tableware.

Arthur: Yes!

Galahad: Oh, well you should have said.

Greek Banking sketch - Mercorabilia

Isn’t the Greek banking crisis interesting? Not just for the situation they’re in but their reaction to it – it’s like they’re saying “I need some money but I’ll only accept it on these terms”. Imagine if someone went into a bank with that approach…

Customer: I need some money.

Bank: Ok – how much.

Customer: About €7.2 billion.

Bank: And what is this for?

Customer: Well I’ve got to make a payment on a loan from another bank, I need to pay the interest on a payment I got a while back and some of it’s to pay back the money I borrowed from you before.

Bank: I see. Well, we’ll lend you the money but only if you agree to our terms.

Customer: And those are…?

Bank: Cut your spending, contribute more in taxes and don’t focus on early retirement.

Customer: But they sound horrible.

Bank: Yes, but with a credit rating like yours…

Customer: Hmm. Tell you what. I’ll borrow the money but only if you agree to my terms. And my terms are that I don’t have to do any of the things you just said.

Bank: I don’t think you understand how this works.

Customer: But your terms aren’t any fun. And it’s not the way I do things.

Bank: But if you don’t accept our terms you’ll go bankrupt – you won’t be able to meet any of your financial obligations, your credit rating will be non-existent and all the agreements you’ve entered into will be worthless.

Customer: I know – I’ll talk to my people and see what they say.

Bank: About what?

Customer: Whether or not to accept your terms.

Bank: I don’t think you’re getting this. You need help – even if we give you money you’ll need help because if you continue the way you have been then you’ll just end up needing more and more money. And no-one is going to want to just pour money into a bottomless pit.

Customer: Well, what do you suggest I do?

Bank: Accept the terms!

Customer: Why would I want to do that?

Bank: Gaaah!

The crisis is already starting to impact on the country as their cash supplies dwindle. Imagine what this could mean for future bank transactions…

Bank: Hello. Welcome to The Bank. How can I help you?

Customer: I’d like to withdraw some money.

Bank: Sorry – can’t help you.

Customer: What?

Bank: We can’t do that.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: We haven’t got any money.

Customer: But you’re a bank!

Bank: Yes – but that doesn’t mean we’ve got any money.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Politics. Didn’t you bring any money with you?

Customer: I thought by bringing my bank card with me that’s what I was doing.

Bank: Ah – classic mistake, that.

Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Bank: (after a pause) How are your busking skills?

 

Addendum

Since I wrote the above (2 days ago), the situation has developed:

Customer: Good news!

Bank: What’s that?

Customer: I won’t be needing your money.

Bank: You’ve decided to take action to improve your finances?

Customer: Nope – I spoke to my people and they didn’t like your terms so I won’t be taking your money.

Bank: You won’t?

Customer: No – my people really didn’t like the idea of making all those changes so I won’t be doing them.

Bank: But you need this money!

Customer: True – but I need my people to be happy more.

Bank: But they won’t be happy without any money.

Customer: We’ll sort something out

Bank: Good luck with that.