From The Mind of Merc - So Many Questions

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was pondering all sorts of bizarre and unconnected musings which I thought I'd share here:
(Ok - some of them are jokes but I hope one or two make you stop and go 'Hmmm')

• Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  
• What's the synonym for thesaurus?
  
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
  
• Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
  
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
  
• What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
  
• Why is the alphabet in that order?
  
• Why is the meaning of life hard to find when you have a dictionary?
  
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  
• A stitch in time saves nine what?
  
• What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  
• Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's
   improved how can it be something new?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  
• Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?
  
• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
  
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
  
• If laughter is the best medicine, how can people be said to have 'died laughing'?
  
• Who invented the term 'spending money?' What other sort is there?
  
• Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?  Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
  
• If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
  
• If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?
  
• If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
  
• If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
  
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
  
• Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
  
• If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
  
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
  
• Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
  
• Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
  
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
  
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  
• How long is a piece of string?
  
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

And finally.. have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Last Bus To Woodstock - !!!NEW!!!

A new entry today combining the works of the Monkees with the works of Colin Dexter.

Last Train to Clarksville Last Bus To Woodstock not by The Monkees

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Hitched a ride home with a stranger
Never made it home that evening
'Cause she got herself in danger
A cruel blow
Morse go go go, Morse go go go

Her body’s found in a car park
By John Sanders a strange man
Wants to spend the night together
But murder wasn’t his plan
Must let him go
Oh no no no, oh no no no
Such a pity but she’s never coming home.

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Got a lift inside a red car
Must find out a way to track it down
Our suspect couldn’t have got far
Oh no no no, oh no no no

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Needed a new way to get home
Thought hitchhiking would do it
But it seems that you were not alone
Where’d your friend go
We do not know, we do not know
Oh so sorry but you’re never coming home

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Hitched a ride home with a stranger
Never made it home that evening
'Cause she got herself in danger,
A cruel blow,
Morse go go go, Morse go go go
Such a pity but she’s never coming home

Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock
Missed the last bus to Woodstock

All the world... - !!!NEW!!!

A new entry today along similar lines of the Speech Wrecker entries but this time parodying Shakespeare's famous speech about the ages of man to fit with the stages of work.

All the world’s at work,
And all the men and women mere employees.
They have their leave dates and their inductions,
And one man in his job plays many roles,
His goal reaching seven stages. At first the trainee,
Struggling and slaving in his boss’ wake.
Then, the shining intern with his research
And tired sleepless gaze, working like a dog
Unwilling ever to sleep. And then the junior,
Trying to impress, with a valiant effort
Made to his boss’ closed door. Then, the senior,
Full of grand plans, and scheming for the top,
Ambitious in his work, wealthy, & with more power,
Seeking his profit augmentation
Even at his worker’s cost.And then, the partner,
Unfair and a bully, with a good quality suit,
With eyes wary, and tongue of stinging cut,
Fond of good deals, and well-placed networking,
And so he plies his trade. The sixth stage is
To gain the role of the firm’s director,
With authority at hand and PA on side,
His youthful dreams, now gone, the views too grand
For his shrunk morals, and his powerful say,
Turning away all those childish interns, they
Who harken to his command. Last scene of all,
That ends these years of endless toil,
Is as a pensioner and powerlessness,
Sans job, sans work, sans pay, sans employment.

Speech-wrecker (Part 8) - Mercorabilia

Continuing the twist on the speech-wrecker theme today with a fresh look at Russell Crowe's speech in Gladiator.

Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be pushing up the daisies. Imagine where you will be, and it will be a nice image in your head while you die. Hold the line! Stay still for pity’s sake! If you find yourself hallucinating, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, don’t worry. 'Cause basically you’ve had it! Brothers, what we do in life... is all we do in life. Roma Victor!

From The Mind of Merc - Perspective

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was pondering perspective, which I firmly believe is a very important thing.

For example, if you were looking on a dating website and saw these two ads side-by-side, which would you pick?

Bachelor A started taking drugs at 14, dropped out of school at
16, collects bug and fake moustaches and dumped his partner
of 14 years for someone 23 years his junior.

 

Bachelor B is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't
had any illicit affairs. 

 When you've made your choice, scroll down to the bottom of this post. 

Isn't perspective an interesting thing?

Born This Way - Horrific Histories

Henry's fourth wife is widely known as being his least favourite. This is supposedly because she was not physically attractive (Personally I think it was she didn't kowtow to or fawn over him or go along with his obvious charades). Either way, for being married to arguably the most infamous of Tudor monarchs and managing to keep her head I reckon she deserves a song.

Born This Way by Lady Gaga Anne of Cleves

It doesn't matter if I love him (Henry), or capital H-I-M
Just put my veil down 'cause I was born this way, Henry

My papa told me when I was young
I was born to marry well
To have a heir and build a dynasty
This was what I aimed to do

"There's not a need to love the man you wed"
He said, "'Cause you were born royal, Anne"
"So hold your veil up girl and you'll go far, "
Listen to me when I say

I'm beautiful anyway
And God makes no mistakes
This is my face, baby
I was born this way
Won't hide myself in regret
He’ll marry me but not yet
Gonna be queen of England
I was born this way

Not gonna find another way
Daddy I was born this way
Daddy I was born this way
Not gonna find another way
Henry I was born this way
You gotta grow up, Henry
I was born this way

Born a duchess – will be a queen
Born a duchess – will be a queen
Born a duchess – will be a queen
Will be!

Give yourself patience
And love your man
Cause you’re his, and that’s the truth
In the religion of the German states
I must obey him, respect my oath

A different language is not a sin
Believe in capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this country and
Ich bin froh, dass er nicht Lust mich

I'm beautiful anyway
And God makes no mistakes
This is my face, baby
I was born this way
Won't hide myself in regret
Because I’m not leaving yet
You betta grow up , Henry
I was born this way

He’s gonna find another way
Henry I was born this way
Henry I was born this way
He’s gonna find another way
Henry I was born this way
Not gonna grow up, Henry
I was born this way

It’s such a drag, no more a queen
Though as his sister now I’m seen
Dressed black, white, beige, or pearlescent
My destiny was heaven sent
Whether Holbein’s fallacies
Left me outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love myself today
'Cause Henry I was born this way

No matter sister or wife,
You’ll find I’m still by his side,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
Divorced with no hassle
And I’ve my own castle
I'm on the right track baby,
Yes I was born gentle.

I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I was born this way hey!
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way hey!

Richard III - Grave Decision sketch (Newsreview)

One of the more recent sketches I penned for Newsjack. Turns out I got the timescale a bit wrong...

Richard: Where on earth am I? Is this…Leicester? What am I doing in Leicester? I’m supposed to be in York – it was all arranged.

Official: Ah well, you see – you died in battle – that changes things.

Richard: Does it?

Official: Yes - it’s all in the small print. Look: All those succumbing to defeat in battle shall forfeit all rights to decide place of burial upon extinction of life force.

Richard: I see – so what does that mean for me?

Official: It means you ended up under a car park in Leicester city centre. But cheer up it could have been worse - at least they found you – poor old Alfred over there – they still haven’t managed to find him.

Richard: Really?

Official: Yes. Now you’ve been found he’s solidified his place as hide-and-seek champ.

Richard: So what do I now?

Official: Well I suggest you go back to your little cubbyhole and wait until they decide what to do with you. Shouldn’t be more than a couple of years.

Richard: A couple of years?!? But I’ve been dead for over 5 centuries! Surely it can’t be that difficult to decide where to put me.

Official: What can you do? Politics.

Richard: Oh well - fingers crossed I end up somewhere nice. Goodnight.

Official: Night.

Catherine of Braganza - Horrific Histories

Haven't posted a historical song for a while so here's one about the wife of King Charles II with a hint of Disney

Let's Go Fly A Kite Catherine of Braganza not by Disney
Was born in sixteen thirty eight
Second child of King John the Great
Her mother did decide
To whom she’d be a bride
And in sixteen six two
It's England she went to

Oh, oh, oh!
Catherine of Braganza
Thought that Charles did love her
Catherine of Braganza the Queen of England
Married a Stuart king
Who soon took off his wedding ring
Oh, Catherine of Braganza!

She wasn’t a popular queen
To be Catholic wasn’t seen
And then Titus Oates said
She wanted the king dead
But Charles didn’t agree
And made sure she stayed free

Oh, oh, oh!
Catherine of Braganza
Wed a merry ruler!
Catherine of Braganza the Queen of England
Tried to give Charles an heir
But didn’t succeed there
Catherine of Braganza!

Speech-wrecker (Part 7) - Mercorabilia

Continuing the twist on my speech-wrecker theme - this time with the sodium pentothal being administered to Mel Gibson's infamous Scottish rebel.

 

William Wallace: I am William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here because they couldn’t think of anything else to do on a Sunday afternoon. You've come to fight as free men... and dead men you are. What will you do with your freedom? Will you fight?

Veteran: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.

William Wallace: Aye, fight and you will die. Run, and you'll live... which personally sounds like the better option. And dying in your beds, many years from now, won’t you be grateful not to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for having the sense, the common sense, to run away from here as fast as you could to tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... US!

Lord of the Rings (UK Version) sketch - Mercorabilia

A twist on Tolkien's infamous trilogy today based on the Dark Lord's abode and a similar sounding London Underground station.

Gandalf: I am Gandalf. Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Anor, and friend of the Elves.

Ticket officer: Well that’s very nice but this is a ticket office not a sci-fi convention – what did you want?

Gandalf: Oh, we’d like 10 tickets to Morden, please. We’ve come all the way from the Shires.

Ticket officer: The Shires?

Gandalf: Well, Frodo here’s from Buckinghamshire, Legolas - he's from Oxfordshire, Boromir’s from Derbyshire…

Ticket officer: Yes – alright I get it. Thank you. What did you want again?

Gandalf: 10 Tickets to Morden – we’re going to see Sauron.

Ticket officer: The Sour One? Bit of a dragon, is she? Your mother-in-law?

Gandalf: Sauron is the Dark Power, the Enemy, the Great Eye, the Lord of the Ring, Sorcerer, Black Hand, the Nameless Enemy, and the Deceiver.

Ticket officer: Sounds like my mother-in-law. Here you are – 10 tickets to Morden.

Gandalf: Thank you.

Ticket officer: Er – do you mind if I ask – you’re already at Wimbledon. Why don’t you just walk to Morden?

Gandalf: My dear fellow. One does not simply walk into Morden!