And April's
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about turning 40 - which I'll be doing on Saturday.
I always say I favour Dave Allen's approach to ageing. So I thought I'd share that.
And here's the second of April's posts dealing with an infamous anecdote of Sir Walter Raleigh.
<Fanfare>
Raleigh: Your majesty.
Elizabeth: Oh, hello, Sir Walter.
Raleigh: What an honour to see you out and about, my queen.
Especially on such an inclement day as this.
Elizabeth: Yes, it is rather bleak, isn’t it?
Raleigh: Ah! A puddle! And right in your path. Fear not, my
lady – I will save you.
<whips off cloak and lays it over puddle>
Elizabeth: That’s it, is it?
Raleigh: Your majesty?
Elizabeth: How’s that supposed to help?
Raleigh: Well, I… I thought it might prevent your feet from
getting wet. After all, they must have
cost a fortune.
Elizabeth: They did.
But I still don’t see how that’s going to help?
Raleigh: But, my
queen, how could it not?
Elizabeth: Particularly thick, your cloak?
Raleigh: Well, not especially, your majesty. I mean, it’s
just a capelet. So…
Elizabeth: Thicker than that puddle?
Raleigh: Probably not.
Elizabeth: So how is your laying it over it supposed to stop
me getting my feet wet?
Raleigh: Well,… it might help them get a bit less wet.
Elizabeth: Also – what’s to stop me doing this?
Raleigh: What?
Elizabeth: This! Just walking around the puddle. Not exactly
massive, is it?
Raleigh: Well, no. But you have to admit, your majesty – it
is a bit of an inconvenience to have to do that.
Elizabeth: Not that much. Oh, and also, Sir Walter, may I
just point one thing out.
Raleigh: What?
Elizabeth: This never happened.
Raleigh: Oh, I understand, your majesty. Not a word of it
shall pass my lips. I shall take it to my grave…
Elizabeth: No, I mean – this never happened. You never laid
your cloak over a puddle for me. The whole story’s apocryphal.
Raleigh: Is it?
Elizabeth: I’m afraid so.
Raleigh: Oh.
<disappears in a puff of logic>
Here is the first of April's posts. You can probably guess from the title what the inspiration is.
Reporter:
So you join us today for a very exciting expedition. I’m here with David
Nattybarrow the renowned horticultural and nature expert. So tell us, David,
what’s the plan for today.
David:
Well, today, we’re going on a bear hunt!
Reporter:
Really?
David:
Yes! And we’re going to catch a big one.
Reporter:
Well, I have to say you’ve picked a beautiful day for it.
David:
Yep. And we’re confident we’ll succeed – we’re not scared. Right. Let’s go.
Reporter:
Ok. This way folks. As I say, it’s a very thrilling trip we’re on today and…
oh, we seem to have stopped. Why have we stopped, David?
David:
Take a look.
Reporter:
Uh oh.
David:
Exactly. We seem to have come to some grass. Some long wavy grass.
Reporter:
It doesn’t look like we can go over it.
David:
No. and we can’t go under it.
Reporter:
So what do we do?
David:
Well, it looks like we’ll have to go through it.
Reporter:
Right. Here we go! I say, this is very very long grass, isn’t it?
David:
Yes. But at least we’re through now.
Reporter:
Good. So we can continue on our bear hunt
David:
Absolutely. And we’re going to catch big one. Did already say that?
Reporter:
You might have done.
David:
What a beautiful day.
Reporter:
And we’re still not scared because… what’s wrong? Why have we stopped? Uh oh.
David:
Yes – we’ve come to a river.
Reporter:
I say, it does look very deep.
David:
And cold.
Reporter:
Mmm. And we can’t go over it?
David:
No. and we can’t go under it.
Reporter:
So…?
David:
We’ll have to go through it.
Reporter:
Right. Hup!
<splash!>
Reporter:
Ooh! It is cold.
David:
Yup. But it’s what you run the risk of when you’re going on a bear hunt.
Reporter:
And you’re still confident you’re going to catch a big one on this beautiful
day.
David:
Definitely. We’re not scared. It’s just… uh oh.
Reporter:
What?
David:
Mud.
Reporter:
What?
David:
Thick, oozy mud.
Reporter:
Oh dear. And we can’t go over it
David:
No. And we can’t go under it.
Reporter:
Let me guess.
David:
Yup. We’ve got to go through it.
Reporter:
Right. I say, it is terribly thick mud.
David:
Yes. But at least we’re through it now.
Reporter:
Yes. Back on the bear hunt.
David:
And we’re going to catch a big one.
Reporter:
So you said. Lucky it’s still a beautiful day.
David:
And it definitely that we’re not scared. Except…
Reporter:
What?
David:
Well, look there.
Reporter:
Uh oh. A forest.
David:
Yes. A big, dark forest.
Reporter:
Well, I suppose that was to be expected.
David:
Yes, but we can’t go over it and we can’t go under it.
Reporter:
So…we’ve got to go through it.
David:
Yup. So we’d better get. Waah!
Reporter:
What happened?
David:
I tripped.
Reporter:
Oh. Waah!
David:
What was that?
Reporter:
I tripped too.
David:
Phew! Getting a bit risk this bear hunt.
Reporter:
But at least you’re going to catch a big one.
David:
And it’s such a beautiful day.
Reporter:
Even if you couldn’t see it in that forest.
David:
Well, even so, we’re not scared. And…uh oh?
Reporter:
What is it?
David:
A snowstorm.
Reporter:
…A snowstorm.
David:
Yup.
Reporter:
On a bear hunt.
David:
It appears so.
Reporter:
Is this a polar bear hunt?
David:
And it’s a swirling whirling snowstorm.
Reporter:
Let me guess – we can’t go over it and we can’t go under it.
David:
Nope – we’ve got to go through it.
Reporter:
Very weird microclimate this.
David:
True. But, as I say, got to expect the unexpected when you’re going on a bear
hunt
Reporter:
When you’re going to catch a big one
David:
Exactly. Even if it seemed like a beautiful day. We’re not scared.
Reporter:
Well, at least that’s over. So where are we now?
David:
Uh oh.
Reporter:
What?
David:
A cave.
Reporter:
Well, I would have thought that’s what we were looking for, aren’t we?
David:
Yes. But it’s a narrow, gloomy cave.
Reporter:
So I see. And we can’t go over it.
David:
Nope.
Reporter:
And we can’t go under it.
David:
Not without some heavy digging equipment.
Reporter:
So that means…
David:
We’ve got to go through it. Come on. But be quiet.
Reporter:
Ok. I’ll tiptoe. I say, it is getting very dark in here. You almost can’t see
your hand in front of your…
David:
Wait! What’s that?
Reporter:
What’s what?
David:
That there. It looks like… one shiny wet nose.
Reporter:
Two big furry ears.
David:
Two big googly eyes.
Reporter:
It’s a bear!
David:
Quick! Run!
Reporter:
Run? But I thought you were looking for a…
David:
Never mind that now. Back through the cave! Tiptoe! Back through the snowstorm!
Blooming heck – that’ s cold. Back through the forest! Waah! Stupid branches.
I… Waah! Back through the mud!
Reporter:
This’ll never come off my suit.
David:
Well, you can wash it off going back through the river! Quick!
Reporter:
Ooh! That’s still cold.
David:
And you can dry it off going back through the grass! Oh - at last we’re back at
the front door. I’ll just open it. Quick get in!
Reporter:
But surely the bear’s not going to…
David:
Can’t take any chances. Go on! Up the stairs. And… oh no.
Reporter:
You forgot to shut the door.
David:
I forgot?
Reporter:
Stay here. I’ll just back downstairs to shut the door. Right. Back upstairs.
Into the bedroom. Come on, quick!
David:
The bedroom?
Reporter:
No time to argue – safest place in the whole house.
David:
Into the bed.
Reporter:
Now hang on – I’m not that kind of reporter.
David:
And I’m not that kind of horticulturalist. Trust me, the bed’s the safest
place. The bear’ll never find us here.
Reporter:
Oh, alright. Well, that was quite an interesting experience.
David:
Yes. And I’ll tell you one thing.
Reporter:
What.
David:
We’re not going on a bear hunt again!
And March's Mind of Merc post.
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about a message and an image that needs to be everywhere - especially on the White House.
And here's the second of the March posts highlighting some interesting similarities between two sports.
Mr Sports: So Mr Yank – I understand you’ve got an idea for
a new sport.
Mr Yank: Yes – I have. And I call it… Baseball!
Mr Sports: Uh-huh. So how does it work exactly?
Mr Yank: Well, you have 2 teams of nine players who take
turn at batting and fielding. The game starts when a player on the fielding
team – called the pitcher – throws a ball that a player on the batting team
tries to hit with a bat.
Mr Sports: Right. Then what?
Mr Yank: If the batter hits the ball then he has to try and
run around four bases and getting back to the start before the fielding team
have a chance to pass the ball back to one of the men on the bases. If the
batter succeeds he’s scored a run. And if the fielding team succeed then the
batter is ‘out’.
Mr Sports: Uh-huh. If you don’t mind me saying so, Mr Yank,
this does sound a lot like another game we already have on our books called
‘Rounders’.
Mr Yank: Oh, no, no, no – this one is completely different.
Mr Sports: Are you sure? Seems pretty similar – batter,
bowler – or as you say pitcher – four bases, a bat…
Mr Yank: They’re just coincidences.
Mr Sports: Pretty big ones.
Mr Yank: Well, yes, but as I say they are still completely
different games. For starters in ‘baseball’ the bat they use is considerably
bigger – like 24 inches bigger.
Mr Sports: So 42 inches? Even though a rounders bat is only
18 inches.
Mr Yank: I know. Which will mean they need to use 2 hands to
hit it.
Mr Sports: It’ll also make it considerably easier for them
to hit it.
Mr Yank: Well, not necessarily. That’s why they’re allowed 3
goes to hit it.
Mr Sports: 3 goes?
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: They don’t just try to hit it and if they miss
just run anyway so everyone gets a turn quicker.
Mr Yank: Well, they want to stand the best chance of not
getting ‘out’.
Mr Sports: I suppose that makes sense.
Mr Yank: There’s also a difference to the uniforms for some
of the players. For example, the catcher…
Mr Sports: Who’s the catcher?
Mr Yank: The player who catches the ball if the batter
misses.
Mr Sports: Oh, the backstop.
Mr Yank: Er… well, anyway, the catcher wears this.
Mr Sports: Wow. That’s quite a lot of padding.
Mr Yank: Well, those balls are very hard. Some pitchers…
Mr Sports: Bowlers.
Mr Yank: Are able to throw the ball up to 95 mph.
Mr Sports: 95… That’s quite impressive for an underarm
throw.
Mr Yank: Oh, no – this is overarm.
Mr Sports: Overarm?
Mr Yank: Yes. See – another difference.
Mr Sports: Well, I can certainly see why they’d need the
padding.
Mr Yank: As do the fielders – as the pitch is around 90
metres, the batter needs to hit the ball 100 metres to ensure he can get round
all 4 bases.
Mr Sports: So it’s not just the bat that’s bigger.
Mr Yank: Exactly.
Mr Sports: Hmm. Does the word overcompensating mean anything
to you?
Mr Yank: Er… no, sir.
Mr Sports: Maybe you should look it up. However, I still
can’t see there’s a significant difference. It seems to me you’ve taken an
existing game, modified it slightly and given it a new name.
Mr Yank: A very good name, sir.
Mr Sports: But it’s still a batting team and a fielding
team.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: And they’re still running around 4 bases.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: And the opposing team is still trying to get the
ball to get them ‘out’.
Mr Yank: Yes.
Mr Sports: But you still think it’ll catch on, do you?
Mr Yank: Absolutely.
Mr Sports: Huh. Well, I guess we can give it a shot. Who
knows – it might become our favourite pastime.
So a hospital trip and an operation have meant my blog posts have somewhat fallen to the wayside. I'm now trying to catch up so here is the first of March's posts - both of which are a nod to/inspired by Bob Newhart's famous monologue skits.
Hello? Kennel Club? Mr Cruft. What can I do for you today? You- you say you’ve got a brilliant new idea for us? Uh-huh. And what is that?... A dog show. Not- not to sound harsh, Mr Cruft, but er…that’s not exactly a new idea…No. You see, there are several types of dog show that already exist. You know – like the ones for herding, hunting, guarding… Yes. So what- what exactly will the dogs in your show be required to do?...Absolutely nothing. And- and you think that’ll draw a crowd, do you? …Ev- everybody loves a dog. Well, I suppose that’s er… that’s mostly true, Mr Cruft. So what will the entrants be judged on?... Whether they look like a dog. Er… are you… are you planning to allow cats to enter or something?... Then why wouldn’t they look like dogs, Mr Cruft?...It depends which dog looks most like a dog. And how do we determine that, Mr Cruft?... Did- did you say you’ve drawn a picture? You- you’ve drawn a picture of a dog. And the winner of the competition will be the dog that looks most like your picture. Have- have you heard of a thing called breeds, Mr Cruft?... Oh, you have. So do you have different pictures for different breeds or…? That’s not necessary. Are you sure about that? I have to say, I had no idea you were also an artist as well, Mr Cruft so.... You’re not. I see. Er… in that case, can I just ask – this… er… this dog you’ve drawn – does- does it have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 4 legs and a tail?... Well- well, that’s a start I suppose. Yeah. So… so all that has to happen is the dog has to look like a dog?... That you’ve drawn, yeah – I got that. Well, I guess it could help to encourage owners to take good care of their dogs. Ensure safe, healthy breeding to safeguard future generations of… Why are you laughing, Mr Cruft? That’s not the point. Kind of feels like it should be, Mr Cruft. Yeah. It’s all about the money? What money, Mr Cruft?...Oh, there’s an entry fee. I see. Well, I have to admit that… er… that is a good point. Yeah. So are you planning… is there a big prize for the winner? Not really. So what- er- what’s the motivation, Mr Cruft?... Prestige. Yeah, well I- I guess, I guess there is that… And- and because then it’ll be a pedigree. And pedigrees sell for more. Well, er, that- that may be true, Mr Cruft, but uh don’t- don’t you reckon people will also want their dogs to be healthy too? I mean if we’re encouraging inbreeding in order to win this… You don’t think so. Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, Mr Cruft. Yeah. Er… listen, Mr Cruft – I have to admit I’m kind of worried. I mean, don’t- don’t you think we might get into trouble with the RSPCA?... It’s not like the dogs are fighting each other. Well, that’s true, I guess. But I imagine the owners might end up…er… Can- can I just ask, er, Mr Cruft, er, how did you get into this? I mean,er, what- what made you think of it?...It makes a change from… did- did you say chickens, Mr Cruft? What the hell have chickens got to do with it?... Oh, that’s your background. So how did you get into dogs then, Mr Cruft? Did you- <laughs> did you not like the pay? <laughs> What was it? Chicken feed? <laughs> No – I’m sorry, Mr Cruft. I’m sorry. Well, if- if you think this show of yours is a flyer then you go right ahead and set it up…Yeah. And- er- and if you get any flack from it, just remember – the buck stops with you. What?... Dog then, fine. Goodbye.
