Friday 31 October 2014

From The Mind of Merc - Historical Pet Peeves

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking over the errors that are made in films in the name of dramatic license.
Could I just clarify something? Dramatic license as I understand it means emphasising an emotion or event to make it more dramatic - it does not mean altering history so that it's a better fit with the writer's plot line.
Here are just a few examples of (often repeated) mistakes:


  • When an actor with dark or brown hair is cast as Henry VIII. Especially when a redheaded girl is cast as Princess Elizabeth – hint: she didn’t get it from her mother
  • When Catherine of Aragon is portrayed as having dark hair - check the portraits, people!
  • When someone says Richard III murdered his nephews in the Tower - please give me one good reason why he would.  (And anyone who says they stood in his way please go and look up the Titulus Regius)
  • When a precise figure is given for the victims/survivors of Titanic (given the number of stowaways and no-shows it is impossible to create a correct, exact figure)
  • When someone says the TV series 'The Tudors' is historically accurate (why this point is wrong would take a whole blog to explain but I will just some it up in one word: Margaret!)
  • When someone says Edward VI died aged 16 - he was born in Oct 1537 and died in Jul 1553 - you do the math. Also when they say Edward was a sickly child - he was a perfectly healthy child who contracted Tuberculosis in his teens. (Any ill health as a baby would have been commented on by ambassadors)
  • When Mary Queen of Scots is referred to as Bloody Mary (Oh - so that’s not the queen who had almost 300 Protestants burned at the stake) Also when Mary Queen of Scots is portrayed with a Scottish accent - even though she spent the first 18 years of her life in France
  • When 1501 is given as Anne Boleyn's birth year (this is a relatively new one but important - for further details see below *)
  • When Anne Boleyn is claimed to be the older sister (ok - so this can't be proved but there are several pointers which suggest Mary was older - the most striking being that she was married off first)
  • When it is suggested that Shakespeare didn’t write his own plays (even though all his contemporaries said he did). Also when it is suggested that Shakespeare was an unparalleled genius (as in BBC's Dr Who) – he wrote a lot more plays than his rivals – this doesn’t make him a genius, it just makes him prolific
  • When Jack the Ripper is blamed for the death of Martha Tabram – different MO, guys
  • When Marie Antoinette is credited with saying ‘Let them eat cake’ (when actually it was her mother Marie Therese)
  • When people think the film 'Braveheart' is historically accurate - sure – had an affair with a 5-year-old, did he?
  • When Thomas Becket is referred to as Thomas á Becket (guess again)
  • When Queen Victoria is credited as having said ‘We are not amused’ (no record of her ever doing so) - hence the title of this blog

* Anne Boleyn birth year is mentioned by William Camden as being 1507 (and, before people start suggesting that a 1 was mistaken for a 7, it's written in Roman numerals). Jane Dormer, the Duchess of Feria also remarks in her memoirs that when Anne was executed in 1536 "she was not twenty-nine years of age"

Sunday 26 October 2014

Speech-wrecker (Part 10) - Mercorabilia

Today I'm sharing an alternate version I created of Prospero's farewell soliloquy at the end of The Tempest - the intention being for it to say the same thing but in modern day language (& I even managed to get it to rhyme)

Shakespeare's original text:
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call:
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
 

My alternate version: 
If you didn’t like the play you saw,
Forget it as you leave the door 
Tell yourself it wasn’t real 
Like something you cannot feel
If you didn’t like the plot
Maybe then you dreamt the lot
Please don’t be unkind to me
I beg of you on bended knee 
I try so hard to write the best 
But if it did your patience test 
To stop you dealing an unkind blow
I’ll make up for it with my next show
You have my word on that, I swear
So goodbye, it’s time you were not here
Please clap aloud and clap along
I’ll make up for all that I’ve done wrong

Sunday 19 October 2014

Catch 'Em All - !!!NEW!!!

This parody was created by having 'Sway' repeating in my head over and over again, then hearing someone mentioning Pokemon and my brain noticing how the motto "Catch 'em all" fitted nicely with the part of the song that goes "Make me sway"

Sway (Catch Them) All not by Dean Martin
When Professor says the game is on
Gotta catch, Pokemon
When you've caught them you must train them too
Help them learn what to do

You've got such a lot of things to do
Before the game is through
You have to become the best of all
Match them well, catch them all

Other trainers may be on the trail
Ash, but they cannot compare to you
It's up to you to defeat them all now
And we'll tell you just how
When you see a pokemon around
Start a fight, bring them down
When they're weak you trap them in the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

Other trainers may be on the trail
Ash, but they cannot compare to you
Only you can defeat all of them now
And we'll tell you just how
When you see a pokemon at flight
Send your one out to fight
When they're weak you trap them in the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

In the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

Sunday 12 October 2014

Doctor Soldier - !!!NEW!!!

Ok - so technically, if I'm following my previous rules, the title of this piece should be 'Doctor I'm' as that's the bit that fits the quote from the song title but as they're my rules and were made to be broken I will.
(I also should have written this when the Caretaker episode of Doctor Who was fresh in my mind as that's what it's based on but I don't think it's suffered too much from being written 2 weeks later).

I've Got Soul Doctor Soldier not by Young Soul Rebels
Clara:
Doctor try to comprehend
Danny Pink is my boyfriend
My boyfriend
And that is because
And that is because, because,

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Doctor:
Don't get me wrong 'cause you know I'm your pal
You don't want to really be his gal 
Why date a hero who's impossible
I'm sorry he doesn't get my approval

Clara:
Doctor try to comprehend
Danny Pink is my boyfriend

My boyfriend
And that is because
And that is because, because

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Doctor:
Listen, you think it is love but you just met the man and
I know that it's hard to understand
Teaching that's just for show
You can't love a man that you barely know

Right now that's done time to move on

Lots more to see and we've just begun, just begun
Shall we go come on,
Shall we go come on
Come on

Clara:
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Danny:
It's ok Clara he can say what he feels
But that don't mean it makes it all real
Yes I'm a soldier, which the man can see
So I guess that means that he's better than me
Yes the real doctor stands before us 
Do you still think he's meritorious
But I know that as I'm on board
I'll obey the rules of the timelord

Clara:
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Danny:He's one to start fires not stop them
They're true words though he may not like them
He's not the type to be soft spoken
His hate for me is out in the open

Clara:
I love a soldier

Doctor:
Well I thought that went down quite well
So can we get back to sort the Blitzer now
He knows I'm right you can just tell
Please Clara he'll let you down

Danny:
Ok I see, it's not about me
All of your hostile superior stuff
I'll show you that I'm good enough

Clara:
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

(Btw, in case you weren't aware the song used in this parody was compiled to support the work of Warchild UK - further information can be found here: http://www.warchild.org.uk/music/discography/i-got-soul)

Sunday 5 October 2014

I Am The Only Captain Of A Small Charter Firm Airdot - !!!NEW!!!

Returning to an old favourite today - that wonderful radio series Cabin Pressure. And this time combining the tale of MJN's Supreme Commander with a tune from the Pirates of Penzance to create... the Pilot of Penzance?

The Major-General's Song The Airline Captain's Song not by Gilbert and Sullivan
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot
Yet they think it's Douglas because he has something I have not
I know all of the manual and yet I don’t receive a salary
Because to be a pilot is what I always wanted to be

I’m very well acquainted too with unprofessionality
Can’t understand why Douglas seems to enjoy making fun of me
He seems to get such fun from winding me up and goading me along
And I never even wanted to play the travelling lemon

I'm very good at fending off all contributory suggestions;
I know all of the answers to safety procedure questions:
I’ll make sure all of the passengers know who's in charge of all this lot,
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

I wanted to be a pilot, since I was only six years old;
My dad couldn’t understand, why I wouldn’t do as I was told,
He thought it would be much better if I became an electrician,
But I was determined to follow my own chosen profession;

I know it took me several goes for me to get my CPL,
But in my spare time I practice my skills on the flight sim as well
This might seem strange for somebody who spends their day flying a plane,
But as it doesn’t come natural it’s what I must do to train.

I tell my fam’ly of my job to make me sound like a big man,
But don’t say I really make a living from driving Dad’s old van:
Though Cat may be a warden and Simon an admin that’s their lot,
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot.

I’ve seen and done so much during all my time flying with MJN,
And even landed the plane when a stray goose took out our engine,
I dated a young girl who introduced me to the royal scene,
(I think that this now means that I can say I have a bobsled team)

I haven’t finished learning and there’s still a long way yet to go,
And I won’t be discouraged although the endeavour might be slow
In short, when I've achieved the rank and status that I seek to glean–
You'll say that a better Air-er-dot Captain you have never seen.

It seems I’m always questioned, on what I know of aviationry,
Yes I know my first officer has more experience than me;
But I’ll put up with all the ways he thinks of as that's all he's got
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Wednesday 1 October 2014

Queen - Horrific Histories

Today is the one year anniversary of my starting this blog and, as I began with one of my Horrible History parodies, I thought I'd pen another one for the occasion.

B*tch Queen not by Meredith Brooks
Was born to rule Scotland
Just a week old when
My rule it was begun
Sent off to France
Because my mother wanted me
To marry the young Dauphin
I did so at sixteen



Soon though Francis died
No one was int’rested in
The former bride
Came back home to Scotland after my mum died
Next what did I do
I chose to marry my cousin and
Then I had a son

[Chorus:]
I'm a queen, like no other
Had a child, now a mother
But my husband, was no saint
Rebelled against restraint
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way



My husband died to plan
This now meant
I had to find another man
Picked Lord Bothwell
Cause he abducted and raped me
And the proper thing to do
To preserve my honour
I had to marry him too

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Lost a child, then another
Faced an army, got locked up
Wouldn’t give Bothwell up
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way



The lords agreed, I had failed as ruler
They forced me then to abdicate
I chose to flee, to England not France
Queen Liz will help me

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Now my child, lost his mother
Liz wouldn’t aid my plight
Gave me no chance to fight
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm a queen, through resigned
I've quite often been maligned
When in gaol, did discover
It was all down to my brother
Been on trial, sent to death
Soon taking my last breath
But then I couldn’t live it any other way