MJN Air Alphabet - !!!NEW!!!

On one of my trawls through the internet I happened upon a parody that had been written of the Misogynist’s Alphabet - as performed by Philip Quast - which had, rather aptly been adapted for Inspector Javert (and can be found here) so I decided to do my own Cabin Pressure themed parody:

Cabin Pressure fans take heed
This is how you can now learn your A B Cs...

A is for Abu Dhabi with the Sheikh’s cat.
B is for Boston - watch Leeman fall flat.
C is for Cremona with Hester and Art.
D is for Douz – don’t let Martin start.
E is for Edinburgh ‘cause it's Birling Day.
F is for Fitton where you have to stay.
G is for Gdansk – the orchestra’s set.
And that’s how we begin the MJN Air alphabet.

H is for Helsinki where you’ve Ruth in tow.
I is for Ipswich when Arthur must go.
J is for Johannesburg - won’t get far.
K is for Kuala Lumpur and bar
L is for Limerick - what is in the box?
M is for Molokai and (a) Christmas sock
N is for Newcastle – a job to get.
And thus we carry on the MJN Air alphabet.

O! – St Mary
Imagine all the otters - so hairy!
Talisker and polar bears we don’t lack,
Trav’lling to Paris (or) Qiki-tarry-jack.
Rotterdam then
Saint Petersburg - will Gerti fly again?

T is for Timbuktu but just where is that?
U is for Uskerty - bring a sheep back.
V is for Vaduz - Princess finds her man.
After Vaduz, we get Wokingham!
X is for Xinzhou where the crew all must stay.
Y is for Yverdon-Les-Bains - don’t say.
Z is for Zurich you hear and regret.
‘Cause that’s how we conclude the MJN Air alphabet.

I Am The Only Captain Of A Small Charter Firm Airdot - !!!NEW!!!

Returning to an old favourite today - that wonderful radio series Cabin Pressure. And this time combining the tale of MJN's Supreme Commander with a tune from the Pirates of Penzance to create... the Pilot of Penzance?

The Major-General's Song The Airline Captain's Song not by Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Yet they think it's Douglas because he has something I have not

I know all of the manual and yet I don’t receive a salary

Because to be a pilot is what I always wanted to be

I’m very well acquainted too with unprofessionality

Can’t understand why Douglas seems to enjoy making fun of me

He seems to get such fun from winding me up and goading me along

And I never even wanted to play the travelling lemon

I'm very good at fending off all contributory suggestions;

I know all of the answers to safety procedure questions:

I’ll make sure all of the passengers know who's in charge of all this lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

I wanted to be a pilot, since I was only six years old;

My dad couldn’t understand, why I wouldn’t do as I was told,

He thought it would be much better if I became an electrician,

But I was determined to follow my own chosen profession;

I know it took me several goes for me to get my CPL,

But in my spare time I practice my skills on the flight sim as well

This might seem strange for somebody who spends their day flying a plane,

But as it doesn’t come natural it’s what I must do to train.

I tell my fam’ly of my job to make me sound like a big man,

But don’t say I really make a living from driving Dad’s old van:

Though Cat may be a warden and Simon an admin that’s their lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot.

I’ve seen and done so much during all my time flying with MJN,

And even landed the plane when a stray goose took out our engine,

I dated a young girl who introduced me to the royal scene,

(I think that this now means that I can say I have a bobsled team)

I haven’t finished learning and there’s still a long way yet to go,

And I won’t be discouraged although the endeavour might be slow

In short, when I've achieved the rank and status that I seek to glean–

You'll say that a better Air-er-dot Captain you have never seen.

It seems I’m always questioned, on what I know of aviationry,

Yes I know my first officer has more experience than me;

But I’ll put up with all the ways he thinks of as that's all he's got
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Bleak Expectations - !!!NEW!!!

Another radio comedy gem that I’ve found (during my trawls through Radio 4 – via YouTube) is a creation by Mark Evans called ‘Bleak Expectations’, which can only be described as a combination of Charles Dickens and The Goon Show, so I decided it deserved its own parody song

Congratulations Bleak Expectations not by Cliff Richard

Bleak Expectations on the radio station
Hear me tell everyone about the life I’ve led
Bleak Expectations and escapations*
With all that I’ve seen it’s a wonder I’m not dead.

Who could believe I could go from happy and contented
So soon to thinking happiness hadn't been invented
My family and I were so happy with no strife
Then Gently B took over my life

Bleak Expectations on the radio station
Hear me tell everyone about the life I’ve led
Bleak Expectations and escapations
With all that I’ve seen it’s a wonder I’m not dead.

I have overcome and defeated all of his bad plots
Can only hope that one day he’ll be happy with his lot
I’ve lost such good friends but with some been reunited
With Harry my life won’t be blighted

Bleak Expectations on the radio station
Hear me tell everyone about the life I’ve led
Bleak Expectations and escapations
With all that I’ve seen it’s a wonder I’m not dead.

Bleak Expectations on the radio station
Hear me tell everyone about the life I’ve led
Bleak Expectations and escapations
With all that I’ve seen it’s a wonder I’m not dead.
After all these years it’s still a wonder I’m not dead.

*Yes I know ‘escapations’ isn’t a real word but if they can get away with pencocks and iWaxes and other fantastical creations then I think I can be excused escapations

Cabin Pressure-opoly (!!!NEW!!!)

If you go down to the BBC

You’ll find it allays your fears

If you go down to the BBC

You’ll never believe your ears

For all the crew of MJN Air

In February are gathering there

To record the last Cabin Pressure epi-sode

 

Ok – so this is a shameless plug for the newly completed final version of my Cabin Pressure-opoly board game which can be found here:

https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B4MfuToQ7J4lQVhKU1paejJvYWs&usp=sharing

If you’re a Cabin Pressure fan, please check it out or, if you’re not a Cabin Pressure fan, check it out anyway and if you’re wondering what it’s all about try this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0Suajh_hMw

Cabin (Pressure) Fever

Another one-off Saturday Special.  
Aside from creating my own unique version of Cabin Pressure-opoly (photos here), I decided to pen a few little ditties (or episode summaries) for one of my favourite radio shows.
(Btw, if you haven't heard Cabin Pressure before - why not?!? There are some excellent taster clips that can be found on YouTube.)

A
Pussy cat, pussy cat - where did you go?
Up in an airplane - didn't you know?
Pussy cat, pussy cat - what did you do?
I froze half to death - my whiskers turned blue

B
Gerti's burning, Gerti's burning
In the toilet, in the toilet
Fire, fire! Fire, fire!
Call on Arthur, Call on Arthur
He'll see to it, overdo it

C
When you've got booked rooms of state
But can't afford the rate - that's Cremona
When there's film stars to schmooz
And a fan club to lose - that's Cremona
When you're stuck for a plan
But know douglas can help
Martin-a
Don't be slow
Cause you know
That on the radio
That's Cremona

D
What a kerfuffle
(Not a soft shoe shuffle)
The crew are stranded at Douz
They've no fuel to fly on
So they must rely on
Douglas to find some to use

E
Mr Birling's coming today
Mr Birling's coming - hooray!
Maybe he'll give us lots of money
So long as he doesn't drink too much whisky

F
Martin has got his hat on
But why I couldn't say
Martin has got his hat on
Though we're in Fitton today
It suits him very nicely
And is handy you see
The passengers are happy
When the captain's hat they see

G
Sleepy - a dwarf, a ti-red dwarf
Dopey - a dwarf who's not too bright
Happy - a dwarf who always smiles
Grumpy - a dwarf not feeling right
Sneezy - a dwarf with hayfever
Bashful - a dwarf who's oh so shy
Doc - a dwarf who leads them all
Which brings us to Snow White!

H
My sister's decided it
She won't be denied it
And to Helsinki we'll go
The risks Doug’s been taking
The cake Art's been baking
Are sure to cause quite a show

I
The crew put their hoods on and went in to find
A dummy that's called Adrian
But Martin got dizzy because Arthur's silly
So both were pulled out again

J
Thou shalt have a fishie on a little dishie
Thou shalt have a fishie when the plane is gone
Cause Douglas' new trick made a large sugar brick
And now he has served it - cooked not overdone

K
Douglas had a secret bar
That young Martin found
He was going to tell but
They liked him around
He nearly blew the whistle
On them all but then
Douglas saved the day
And Carolyn came back again

L (or as they say in Limerick)
They're flying in Gerti today
The cargo is safer this way
F is not Tango
Doug wants to fly low
And Arthur is guessing away

M
Get dressed you merry gentleman
There's plenty to dismay
Cause you must fly an aeroplane
For all of Christmas day
And Carolyn is coming too
Be careful what you say
Cause the Russian's called her a baboushka, baboushka
Yes the Russian's called her a baboushka

N
Herc & Linda hitched a free ride
Martin's excitement he could not hide
To ask for a job or ask for a date
He chose work but didn't change his fate

O
Douglas, Douglas, captain's hat-less
How do you fair this day?
I said I would go
And move a piano
But the keys have now gone away

P
Mrs Knapp-Shappey
Was perfectly happy
To buy whisky for Birling
But up in the air
There's no whisky there
Cause Doug always has to win

Q
Nancy Dean-Liebhart’s hitching a lift
Of Douglas’ game she soon gets the drift
Martin hopes she’ll think he’s the best
But to do so a lemon he needs to divest

R
Big Martin, Little Martin
Douglas vs Herc
Dressed in a life jacket
Showing how it works

S
If I had an airplane
And it wouldn't fly
Do you think I'd sell it
By and by
I'd put it in a hangar
For my ex to see
Then when he had fixed it
I'd take it back with me

T
It's Birling Day today
But aboard they must stray
Cos he's fallen out with his wife
There's no camels nearby
And Arthur just can't lie
Which causes all sorts of strife

U
Bought a dead sheep
For my Herc's birthday
But the cabs send us away
So Martin climbed up a tree
Before he found he was now
Goose 23

V
I had a cadet medal
A Millennium Star
Douglas thought it funny
But I had the last laugh
The King of Vaduz' sister
Said she'd like to see
Around Duxford Air Museum
With my star and me

W
Martin's mum or Mrs Skip
To hospital took a trip
Mart & Cat came to see her
Which confused the poor doctor
Simon then appeared at last
Scaring all with his moustache

X
The crew are stuck in Xinzhou because of Art's snowman
They thought it would help them - it was a cunning plan
But then they were grounded and must stay on board
Carolyn's just wants to sleep but Doug is getting bored
Doug wants to play a new game
For Arthur it's too fast
So he thinks up his own one
But finds it doesn't last
Martin works out a new rule
To help the game along
And eventually Carolyn will join in with the song

Y
Martin had an interview
About it he did stress
And Doug found out with Herc about
Arthur's soon in distress