A
friend of mine recently introduced me to Roger Allam’s Olivier Award winning
performance as Falstaff in the Globe’s production of Henry IV and it inspired
me to write this sketch. The idea being that it could something that might be used for a Comic Relief skit
M
sat at desk, busy with paperwork. Bond enters.
Bond
is on crutches with his foot in plaster. He has a neck brace on and is sporting
a black eye and a cut lip.
M:
(without looking up) Ah, 007. Ready to return to active service?
Bond:
Yes, sir.
M:
Good. (looks up) Well, I… Good God –what happened to you?
Bond:
Nothing, sir.
M:
I see. Well, I’m afraid this won’t do. We simply can’t send you out into the
field like that. (sighs) No – there’s nothing else for it – we’ll have to use
the emergency operative.
Bond:
Emergency operative, sir?
M:
(presses intercom) Miss Moneypenny, send him in.
Pause
and then Falstaff swaggers in the office and poses with his hands on his hips.
[Poss
inc:
Bond:
(unimpressed) Where on earth are you from?
Falstaff:
(grinning) My noble lord, from Eastcheap! (This last bit is accompanied by a
swaying of the hips)]
Bond
stares at him and then back at M.
Bond:
You cannot be serious.
M:
Very. Don’t worry. He’s just as good as you. He can do everything you can.
Bond:
Really?
M:
Show him.
Pause
as Falstaff clears his throat then he spreads his arms wide. A bevy of
(bikini-clad) beauties flock to him.
Bond:
So he can.
Falstaff
grins, turns and starts to head out of the room with the girls.
M:
Don’t forget about the mission!
Falstaff
raises a hand to show he’s heard.
Bond
looks at M incredulously.
M shrugs.
Bond
looks on after Falstaff.
Cut
to: corridor of an old-fashioned train carriage.
Falstaff
is making his way along the corridor as unobtrusively as he can.
He
brushes away one of the girls from the previous scene who tries to cling to
him.
He
continues on his way - his face shows intense concentration.
He
steps on a squeaky floorboard and immediately straightens and stands with his
shoulder flat against the wall; supposedly hiding.
Nothing
happens so he carries on.
Cut
to: interior of the compartment.
Businessmen
seated reading various papers.
One looks up and spots Falstaff’s silhouette moving across
the door panel (which has its blind drawn) looking strikingly similar to
Hitchcock.
Cut to: the corridor.
There
is a noise behind Falstaff – he freezes this time with his shoulder against the
middle of the glass door panel.
Cut
to: interior of the compartment.
The
businessman stares in disbelief at the silhouette on the door.
He
looks down at the papers he’s reading and we see it’s a script entitled ‘The
Rear Window – The Remake’.
He
looks up at the silhouette again and promptly throws the script out of the
window.
Cut
to: the corridor.
Falstaff
carries on.
He hears the carriage door close behind him and after a
quick look back he ducks inside a nearby empty compartment and slides the doors
shut but inadvertently closes them on his stomach which protrudes through the
gap.
Cursing
and muttering, he opens the doors again and tries to close them without
trapping his massive bulk.
He
succeeds and drops to the ground to avoid being seen.
Another of the girls appears and crawls to him.
Panicked,
he initially tries to bat her away – glancing fearfully at the window in the
compartment door – but he eventually relents.
The
Chief Guard comes along (accompanied by 2 other guards) and, hearing giggling,
looks down inside the compartment and spots them.
The
other guards attempt to look and the Chief pushes them back.
The
Chief slides the doors open and Falstaff and the girl pause in their exploits
staring up in horror.
The
Chief’s face shows a mixture of outrage (at their escapades) and delight (at
having caught Falstaff).
Falstaff
groans at having been caught.
Chief:
Get him up.
The
other guards haul Falstaff to his feet and he is escorted off – as is the girl
by the Chief.
Cut
to: Deserted base.
Falstaff
stands in front of a firing squad with his hands bound behind his back.
Chief:
Do you have any last words?
Falstaff
pauses to think.
Falstaff:
What is honour? A word. What is in that word-…
Chief:
Enough!
Falstaff
reacts (disappointed).
The
Chief turns to his men.
Chief:
Ready!
Falstaff
looks left and right for signs of help – there is none.
Chief:
Aim!
Falstaff
looks upwards, closes his eyes and starts muttering under his breath.
Chief:
Fire!
Suddenly,
a blade or some kind of weapon flies across from the right knocking the gun
nozzles to the left so that they shoot the Chief who collapses to the ground.
A
second blade severs the ropes binding Falstaff’s hands.
He
rubs his wrists in relief and looks up - spotting something in the distance.
Prince
Henry stands on a nearby ridge overlooking the scene – his arm still raised
from throwing the weapon.
Falstaff:
Hal!
Hal
smiles and heads down to Falstaff.
The
men embrace.
Falstaff:
It’s good to see you.
Hal:
And you. Sorry I took so long – had to defeat a rogue French army.
The
guards look at them, look at each other, pause and then run.
Falstaff
and Hal watch them go then smile and clap each other on the back.
They
(hear a noise and) strike a martial arts pose – ready for action.
