Almost There - !!!NEW!!!

Less than a month til (hopefully) the end of the COVID restrictions. That deserves a song.

Almost There not by Anika Noni Rose 
Woohoo! We are nearly through it all!
We have had to wait such a long while
After all the messing around
It’s been such a trial 

Summer’s here and we can cheer
Because now the end is in sight
And despite how long we have had to wait
We’re getting closer and closer day and night

And we’re almost there
We’re almost there
No more stay at home restrictions
For us to bear
Trials and tribulations
We’ve had our share
But hopefully nothing stops us now
'Cause we’re almost there

We remember 2019
When we could all go out
See all our friends and family
Without a single doubt

For far too long we have been in its sway
Now finally we are on our way
By doing what we’re told
To ensure the spread’s controlled

And we’re almost there
We’re almost there
We know that there’s no need for despair
‘Cause we’re almost there
We’re almost there 

There's been trials and tribulations
We know we’ve had my share
But we’ve lasted this long
And we’ll make it through
‘Cause we’re almost there
We’re almost there
We’re almost there!

Royal - !!!NEW!!!

Surprised, as a self-confessed Tudor geek, that I hadn't done a parody song for the Tudor matriarch before. I thought I'd better remedy that.

Royals not by Lorde

I didn’t have a choice in my own life
I cut my teeth on adulthood at age thirteen
I found that childbirth was a strife
Having been married, when still a preteen

And everyone was like woman, female, don’t care much about her
Feeble, child bride, can’t see there’s much to her
Didn’t care, would prove I was more than I seemed
‘Cause everyone was like civil war - we know we’re gonna win it
Red rose, white rose, we will soon decide it
They would see, that their future it was up to me

I wanted to be royal (royal)
Knew that it’s in my blood
The crown and throne is what I'll seek
And what I will help my son to reach
He will be the ruler (ruler)
I will make him king, see
And one day he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule
That’s what the future would be

So that is why as a widow
I always did whatever would best support him
And everyone they would soon know my purpose in life
Was only to exalt him

And everyone was like woman, female, don’t care much about her
Feeble, child bride, can’t see there’s much to her
Didn’t care, would prove I was more than I seemed
‘Cause everyone was like civil war - we know we’re gonna win it
Red rose, white rose, we will soon decide it
They would see, that their future it was up to me

I wanted to be royal (royal)
Knew that it’s in my blood
The crown and throne is what I'll seek
And what I will help my son to reach
He will be the ruler (ruler)
I will make him king, see
And one day he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule
That’s what the future would be

Yeah yeah yes
Even though it was a grand scheme
I knew that I would achieve that dream
Yeah yeah yes
Lived up to my family tree
Yes their future it was up to me

I wanted to be royal (royal)
Knew that it’s in my blood
The crown and throne is what I'll seek
And what I will help my son to reach
He will be the ruler (ruler)
I will make him king, see
And one day he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule, he’ll rule
That’s what the future would be

From The Mind of Merc - Accountability

(Got a bit sidetracked and completely lost track of the date. Anyway here is April's From The Mind of Merc.)

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about accountability.

Isn't it an interesting word? And it's got a pretty interesting meaning too. According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, it means:

"the fact of being responsible for what you do and able to give a satisfactory reason for it, or the degree to which this happens"

Do you think Boris Johnson is aware of this definition? Or even this word?
Granted he went to Oxford rather than Cambridge but I doubt universities would have massively different dictionaries*.

If he doesn't know it, can someone please introduce him to it because I'm getting seriously fed up having a Prime Minister who is (not has - we're way beyond that) such a moral vacuum. And what's more faces absolutely zero consequences for his actions.

*that's a joke btw

Fairest Of Them All sketch - Mercorabilia

Apologies again to John Finnemore but I just couldn’t help doing another twist on his brilliant Herod sketch this time using the first ever Disney villain.

HUNTSMAN: Morning, Oh Great Queen - our mighty leader, fount of all beauty, mistress of my destiny, before whom I am as the worm before the boot. Oh hallowed ruler-
EVIL QUEEN: Yes alright, Huntsman. We can dispense with the formalities.
HUNTSMAN: As you wish, my Queen. How can I be of assistance?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I’ve just had a rather odd conversation with a very good friend of mine.
HUNTSMAN: Oh, yes? And who might that be?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, if you must know, it was my mirror.
HUNTSMAN: Your mirror?
EVIL QUEEN: Yes, that’s right. And it told me something rather worrying – I was asking it this and that and I happened to notice just how fair it made me look and you know how I like that.
HUNTSMAN: Oh yes, majesty. I mean, you’re a very beautiful woman.
EVIL QUEEN: Haha. I really am. So I - you know - hinted I’d quite like to know who was the fairest of all. And the mirror said he was sorry because it used to be me. And anyway - to cut a long story short - it turns out it reckons that it’s now my stepdaughter who is the fairest of us all.
HUNTSMAN: Ah.
EVIL QUEEN: And I’m the Queen.
HUNTSMAN: Indeed you are.
EVIL QUEEN: Which means I should be the most beautiful. But now this kid technically outranks me.
HUNTSMAN: Well, if that is the case.
EVIL QUEEN: Hmm.
HUNTSMAN: Doesn’t mean it’s true though, does it? I point out you only have a mirror’s word for it even if it can in fact talk. I really don’t think it’s anything to worry about.
EVIL QUEEN: Hmm. I want you to kill her and cut her heart out to prove she’s dead.
HUNTSMAN: Well, that’s one way we could go - yes.
EVIL QUEEN: So the first thing you’re going to need is a very sharp knife…
HUNTSMAN: Can I just recap – there’s a possibility your stepdaughter is now prettier than you and this means you’re not the fairest of them all so I should kill this little girl and cut her heart out.
EVIL QUEEN: Yes.
HUNTSMAN: And we’re not worried that might be a bit of an overreaction.
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I don't want anyone to be fairer than me, do I?
HUNTSMAN: No apparently not. Do we think this mirror’s reliable?
EVIL QUEEN: Well, we can’t be too careful.
HUNTSMAN: I just wonder, your majesty, if there’s a slightly less homicidal solution to the problem. Like maybe trying a new beauty regime so you can regain your title.
EVIL QUEEN: No, I see where you’re coming from but I think I’ll stick with killing her and cutting out her heart – it’s just easier.
HUNTSMAN: I’m not sure it will be easier actually. I wouldn’t surprised if she was really quite cheeky about hiding from you or running away into the forest. I mean she does respect you, oh great Queen, but you know how funny people get. And it occurs to me that if we do… kill your stepdaughter but it turns out someone else is then fairer than you we’re going to find ourselves in exactly the same situation. And all because of a mirror? It’s going to be something of a public relations nightmare.
EVIL QUEEN: I understand all that but I really think I need to go with my gut instinct on this one. I mean, not being the fairest of all? That would be really annoying.
HUNTSMAN: Ok. As it happens, oh Queen, the wife and I have a child ourselves.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh, yes?
HUNTSMAN: Mmm. And strangely enough we think they’re very fair.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh really? Boy or girl?
HUNTSMAN: A girl.
EVIL QUEEN: Oh, dear. I am sorry.
HUNTSMAN: Yes. The thing is I’m reasonably certain that’s a subjective opinion. And I’m absolutely certain she wouldn’t become the fairest of them all just to spite you.
EVIL QUEEN: No, I believe you - of course I do - but I couldn’t be seen to be making exceptions. That would make me very unpopular.
HUNTSMAN: You know, I can’t help wondering, my Queen, if this is actually less to do with the possibility that your stepdaughter might possibly be fairer than you because of something your mirror said and more to do with getting back at her because her father, the king, preferred her to you.
EVIL QUEEN: Well, I couldn’t possibly comment but maybe next time she’ll remember who is the fairest of them all!

Not By Yourself - !!!NEW!!!

Tomorrow we take one step closer to escaping the lockdown restrictions. But, as they are still not over yet, there may still be people struggling with forced isolation or change in social circumstances so partly to aid this (and partly because I disagreed with Comic Relief's choice of using All By Myself for part of their otherwise excellent evening's entertainment), I thought a create this parody.

All By Myself Not By Yourself not by Celine Dion

One year ago
We didn’t know how this would go
Being locked down is such a blow
Nowhere to go

If you’re alone
The only one in your whole home
You are still not on your own
Pick up the phone

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

Hard to stay sane
When you can’t help but feel the strain
So I just hope that this refrain
Relieves the pain

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t 

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

One year ago
We didn’t know how time would flow
Being locked down is such a blow
Nowhere to go

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

All by yourself
You’ll never be

You’ll never be
By yourself, by yourself
No you won’t

By yourself
No you won’t

All by yourself
You’ll never be
We didn’t, didn’t, didn’t
Know how this would go

From The Mind of Merc - NotAllMen

 Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the infuriating hashtag which is #notallmen.

I'm not going to go into a lot of argument about the topic. Instead, I'm just going to say this:

Malone sketch - Mercorabilia

I wrote another sketch today.

A: I’m Malone

B: Aren’t we all?

A: What? No I mean I’m Malone. Steve Malone.

B: I know. What else do you expect at this Malone family reunion?

A: So you’re…

B: Malone. I’m Malone too. Hello. Bob Malone.

A: Right. Well, nice to meet you. <pause> So you didn’t think I said ‘I’m Alone’ just then?

B: No. Why would I? Quite clearly you’re not. None of us are. There’s several hundred of us just in this one room so why would think you’re alone.

A: Well, I’m not with anyone. I could have lost the person I was with so I could be alone. Er… technically we could all said to be alone, you know, in this great big world of ours…

B: I see. <pause> Well, I didn’t think any of that.

A: Right. Good.

B: Good.

<pause>

A: So do you come here often?

B: What?!?

A: T-to the reunion, I mean.

B: Oh, yes. Every year.

A: Really? Cos I’ve not seen you here before.

B: Well, that’s not that strange, is it? Because, as I just said, there’s absolutely hundreds of us here. So the chances of us running into the same people all the time must be pretty slim.

A: Yeah, but big family or not, it’s more than likely we’ll all see everyone who’s here at some point so I’m just wondering how come I haven’t seen you before.

<pause>

B: Alright. I lied. I’m not really a Malone. I’m a Jameson. It’s just… I saw this big party and it looked so amazing and I just wanted to join in.

A: You mean you gatecrashed someone else’s party? Why on earth would you do that?

B: Well… I guess it’s because… I’m alone.

The Last Rolo - Mercorabilia

I wrote this sketch today. 

F: I wuv you

M: I wuv you too

F: How much do you wuv me?

M: So much so that I’m going to give you… my last rolo

F: Aw, thanks baby

M: Because I know how much you wuv chocolate

F: <Pause> Are you saying I’m fat?

M: What? No! I was just saying you love chocolate

F: Which implies I’m fat

M: No it doesn’t! Of course it doesn’t. It just implies you have a sweet tooth

F: Because I like chocolate so much I eat it all the time and am consequently a huge porker

M: No I didn’t… Oh for pity’s sake <eats rolo> satisfied?

F: You ate the rolo

M: I know

F: You ate your last rolo

M: But you didn’t want it

F: I never said that!

M: Oh for f- fine! Next time we’re at the shops I’ll get you your own packet of rolos

F: Are you saying I’m greedy?

M: Oh bloody hell!

 

From The Mind of Merc - A Change For The Better?

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the effect of the recent US election on UK politics.

Has anyone else noticed the change in Boris Johnson’s approach to (in effect) his job since his best buddy Donald Trump was ousted from the Presidency following November's vote?

Prior to this he seemed to be following the example of the sexist, racist bigot the US were unfortunate enough to have to call their Commander-in-chief; evidently believing that if the POTUS could get away with God knows what and still stay in power then so could he. Then along comes the US election which Trump undeniably (despite what he’d like to think) and humiliatingly loses and suddenly the truth hits home and Johnson is left buddy-less, example-less and the only and worst remaining demonstrable failure on the political stage – especially when it comes to COVID. Surely now is the time he needs to pull his finger out and I think there are clear signs that there has been a definite change in his approach.

For example, let’s start with COVID:

Johnson has gone from ‘Herd Immunity’ and ‘It’s not that bad’ to ‘We must act now’ and ‘We will be following data, not dates’. While this could be said to be the approach he should have had a year ago, I think the main thing to take out of this is that he does appear to be actually trying to do his job – we can only hope and pray this is the start of a long-term policy.

Also, the departure of Dominic Cummings from his team hopefully shows that just as he is no longer committed to playing follow my leader with Trump and his policies, he is now less inclined to blindly and foolishly follow the advice of people he likes, has previously trusted or possibly have leverage over him. True he is still not practising accountability for himself or his cohorts – as demonstrated by the fact that Cummings faced no repercussions for any of his transgressions and likewise Matt Hancock has now evaded censure for his unlawful actions regarding COVID contracts – but it is a definite step in the right direction.

I’m not saying he’s perfect – there's still a long way to go before he even gets close to that and there are still a lot of dismissive policies and borderline comical U-Turns to sort out, get past or prevent from happening ever again.

Overall, I believe judgement should be reserved on this newfound ‘dedication’ until we have sufficient time to judge the success and also longevity of his apparent epiphany but it is hopefully I sign that we are at last truly on the road to recovery. We can only hope that the UK finally gets the leader we so desperately need and that Johnson apparently desperately believes he is.

Put On A F*cking Mask - Mercorabilia

As it seems some people are still struggling with this fairly simple message, I thought I'd try telling it with the help of the great Bard himself and his 'Put money in thy purse' speech from Othello.

It is merely a lust of the blood and a permission of
the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favour with
an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
love to the Moor,— put money in thy purse,—nor he
his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
shalt see an answerable sequestration:—put but
money in thy purse. These Moors are changeable in
their wills: fill thy purse with money:—the food
that to him now is as luscious as locusts, shall be
to him shortly as bitter as coloquintida. She must
change for youth: when she is sated with his body,
she will find the error of her choice: she must
have change, she must: therefore put money in thy
purse. If thou wilt needs damn thyself, do it a
more delicate way than drowning. Make all the money
thou canst: if sanctimony and a frail vow betwixt
an erring barbarian and a supersubtle Venetian not
too hard for my wits and all the tribe of hell, thou
shalt enjoy her; therefore make money. A pox of
drowning thyself! it is clean out of the way: seek
thou rather to be hanged in compassing thy joy than
to be drowned and go without her.