Put On A F*cking Mask - Mercorabilia

As it seems some people are still struggling with this fairly simple message, I thought I'd try telling it with the help of the great Bard himself and his 'Put money in thy purse' speech from Othello.

It is merely a lust of the blood and a permission of
the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favour with
an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
love to the Moor,— put money in thy purse,—nor he
his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
shalt see an answerable sequestration:—put but
money in thy purse. These Moors are changeable in
their wills: fill thy purse with money:—the food
that to him now is as luscious as locusts, shall be
to him shortly as bitter as coloquintida. She must
change for youth: when she is sated with his body,
she will find the error of her choice: she must
have change, she must: therefore put money in thy
purse. If thou wilt needs damn thyself, do it a
more delicate way than drowning. Make all the money
thou canst: if sanctimony and a frail vow betwixt
an erring barbarian and a supersubtle Venetian not
too hard for my wits and all the tribe of hell, thou
shalt enjoy her; therefore make money. A pox of
drowning thyself! it is clean out of the way: seek
thou rather to be hanged in compassing thy joy than
to be drowned and go without her.

King Stephen Was At Worthing Pier - Mercorabilia

A short one today.

I was going over a song in Shakespeare in my head  and the first line got kind of corrupted. This then inspired me to 'corrupt' the rest of it creating the following result:

(The original can be found here)

King Stephen was at Worthing Pier,

He’d been walking around the town;

He loved it when the sea was clear,

But seeing rainclouds made him frown.

He proudly strode wearing his crown.

He thought it made him look mighty:

Alas to them he looked a clown;

A comic sign for all to see.

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Iago vs Antonio

This parody, which draws on another Whitney Avalon creation, imagines a competition between two of Shakespeare’s most devious villains. (The inspiration can be found here)

Princess Rap Battle – Hermione vs Katniss  Shakespeare Rap Battle – Iago vs Antonio

Iago:

I’m Iago don’t you know, I’m so evil, that’s how I roll
Got a sick flow – gonna come out on the top in this fight
No bite and no might, unless we’re all asleep at night
When it comes to battles you’re the one whose weight’s light
Delusions of grandeur that’s what led you down your path
Shoulda seen you were headed for an early bath
You played your best shot, but you lost the lot
Couldn’t compete with what your brother had got
The lesser of two evils? It’s clear that is you
You enjoy telling lies but you know it’s true
You must be mad to take me on, it won’t be long until you’re gone
Facing you - it makes me yawn. Come on – you know I’ve won!

Antonio:

Please - you are no trouble you don’t even struggle
When you are caught and left with naught - watch your dreams burst like a bubble
I’ll beat this ancient man, and his useless revenge plan
Who thinks he’s so smart with his devious heart
Just a false start, couldn’t bring home the bacon
Thought that you beat them but they saw you were fakin’
How does it help you more to cause such blood and gore?
Your plan was so poor, could see defeat was in store
You were beat before, when that noble Moor
Chose somebody else and it left you feeling raw
Just a cat’s paw - howe’er loud you roar. Don’t look know but you lost the war!

Iago:

I’ll school you in statesmanship, you puny pathetic drip
Watch now as your ass I’ll whip. You’ve got no grip - you know you’ll slip
You don’t make me mad, ‘cause you are just a fad
Can’t deny it, can’t defy it, and I think that you should be glad
You’d no chance lad, too bad, so sad
Could beat you any day – Tony, you are the weaker cad
Now the master is near, I can see you’re full of fear
‘Cause you cannot compete with the best man here!

Antonio:

Best man? No! Not even close
It doesn’t make you better just ‘cause you are more verbose
I got the Dukedom. Knew my time had come
My brother was done. Soon had him on the run
Your brains have gone all numb - go and suck on your thumb
The fact you think you’re better just proves that you are so dumb
A washed-up useless bum that’s what you’ve become
The one who survived! Whose hopes are gone.

Iago:

The difference between you and me is you’re grand but I’m street-wise
You take on Iago you’re in for a surprise
It’s like you can’t see the truth - you’re oblivious
You think you’re winning? That’s so hilarious
I’m the best, beat the rest, no contest, you’re so distressed
No jest and the outcome of your plan could be guessed
I’m sorry, your Grace, but I think you will find
Prospero is back and he has soundly kicked your behind

Antonio:

I still have some standing, in with the king, I’m still living 

It’s a wonder you’re still talking when you’re expiring.
The planning, the scheming, it was all just a flop
And now thanks to you Cassio came out on top
At least I tasted power and all the goods that come along with it
Something only guessed at by a poor jealous halfwit
You tried the very best that you could, now your defeat must be understood
Next time round I think that you should take the hit, and do us good

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Malvolio vs Roderigo

A return to using Whitney Avalon's brilliant creations as inspiration for my fifth rap parody.
(The inspiration for this one can be found here)

Princess Rap Battle – Galadriel vs Leia Shakespeare Rap Battle – Malvolio vs Roderigo

[Malvolio] No-one can think they are better than me
I'm the finest man around town – full of grandeur, that’s me
I will win this fight - don’t want you in my sight
I will make such short work of you because I am just always right
You better me? You're not posh enough
A drunkard beat a toff? You can’t stand long enough
You’d better listen well - get it through your thick dumb skull
You cannot beat me and truly I find this challenge dull

[Roderigo]
What an a-hole, really - it’s just so sad
Thinking you’re so perfect? Clearly you’re the one that’s mad
You’re not grand or high and mighty - you’re just unpleasant
Don’t forget you got taken down by a bunch of peasants
You want Viola? Well, that is plain to see
To think that she feels the same as you? Well, now that’s just vanity
When they were done with you there was nothing left of your career
And what you will soon find is that nobody sheds a tear     

[Malvolio]
What has your suit had, like thirteen rejections?

[Roderigo]
Maybe you should try focusing on detection
You’re brave to talk of suits when it was your clothes let you down

[Malvolio]
And it was being let down that made you look like a clown            

[Roderigo]
You're the clown and not me in your bright yellow hose
Thought you had won Viola but she turned up her nose
I am smarter, go farther, jewel barter, love martyr,
I worked harder for her ardour, while you’re just a non-starter
I travel the world while you're stuck back at home
Nobody loves you – your arrogance means you’re all alone
No matter what you say one thing is clear
Just admit it, you’re the one loser here

[Malvolio]
I will… never be hurt by your weak feeble barbs
It could be you would have more luck if you stayed off the carbs
They might fool me once but will not fool me again
‘Cause unlike you I’ll be using my brain
And I can go on, I survived, I’m still here, jerk
But your foolish mistake cost you your own life, you berk
Should know your place – right at the bottom
Just so pathetic, and so soon forgotten