From The Mind of Merc - If I Ruled The World

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about an old Tony Bennett song.

Given the upcoming election, I found myself wondering what I would do - If I Ruled The World (this will no doubt be an ongoing list that I’ll continue to add to in the future):

- Anyone wanting plastic surgery would be given therapy instead to help them realise the beautiful person they are already

- If someone who is ill or diagnosed with a disease needs treatment that will help them and that treatment exists then it should be given to them (no question of cost – life comes first)

- If someone needs subsistence then it should be given to them (not taken away)

- Politicians would be on a performance related bonus – to be evaluated by the public (ergo no giving themselves pay rises (after all politicians used to be paid absolutely nothing)

- University education would be free (it was doable before so it should be again)

- Double jeopardy would be abolished (if you committed a crime there should be nothing to stop you being held accountable

- There would be no glass ceiling (or fast track)

- Education would teach everyone to treat everyone equally

- No tax cuts for the wealthy – tax would be a percentage

So I guess that would be my manifesto

Black Death Marks - !!!NEW!!!

New job this week has left little time for blog post writing but here's a new one I've managed to squeeze in. Based on a combination of a Christina Perri song and a popular fiction series.

Jar of Hearts Black Death Marks not by Christina Perri

I know I will never be safe ‘cause of you

You think that I’m the one to beat

Killed my parents, my friends and many more

Just because of that prophecy

You learned to live half alive

But now you’ve come back one more time

And who do you think you are?

Leaving your lightning scars

Recruiting through black death marks

And tearing lives apart

Your heart is growing cold

And you’ve broken up your soul

You're trying to kill me

Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But mum’s love made me strong

Which you’ll find out before too long

And you learned to live half alive

But now you’ve come back one more time

And who do you think you are?

Leaving your lightning scars

Recruiting through black death marks

And tearing lives apart

Your heart is growing cold

And you’ve broken up your soul

You’re trying to kill me

Who do you think you are?

And it won't be long 'til I win this fight
Remember I've more power than you realise

Won't let you forget the first time that we met

And I'll break all your horcruxes

Now that you're back

You won't get your power back

And who do you think you are?

Leaving your lightning scars

Recruiting through black death marks

And tearing lives apart

Your heart is growing cold

And you’ve broken up your soul

You’re trying to kill me

Won’t succeed at all

And who do you think you are?

Leaving your lightning scars

Recruiting through black death marks

And tearing lives apart

Your heart is growing cold

And you’ve broken up your soul

If you come for me

You are gonna fall

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who did you think you were?

Murder Mystery Estate Agents sketch - Mercorabilia

I’ve been watching a lot of murder mysteries recently and one thing (perhaps the most obvious thing) occurred to me - how on earth do local estate agents manage to sell any houses in the areas where the shows are based? You would have thought it’s the last place anyone would want to live. It must go something like this:

Agent: “Well, there you have it, Mrs Smith. A charming little bijou cottage. Thatched roof and diamond grill windows. And very close to all the local amenities”
Buyer: “And you’re sure this is perfectly safe area?”
Agent: “Oh yes – absolutely. Nothing ever happens in Midsomer.”
Barnaby: “Morning, Bill.”
Agent: “Ah, DCI Barnaby. Good morning. Off on your rounds I trust?”
Barnaby: “Oh, always something to do round here. Just off to another one. Better dash.”
Buyer: “Another one?”
Agent: “Greenhouse robbery, I expect.”
Buyer: “Oh dear.”
Agent: “Well now – where were we? Oh yes. Very close to all the local amenities, all mod cons…”
<sound of police car passing>
Buyer: “What’s all that about?”
Agent: “Oh, er, someone’s probably been caught jaywalking across the high street.”
<sound of ambulance passing>
Buyer: “And what was that?”
Agent: “Oh…er…Old Mrs Thompson’s probably fallen downstairs again. Shall we continue?”
Buyer: “Hmm. I must say this does seem to be a very accident prone village.”
Agent: “Oh, absolutely not. This is one of the safest places to be. You couldn’t wish for anywhere safer. Now as I was saying...
Buyer: “Are you absolutely sure there’s nothing about this area I should know?”
Agent: “Er…
Buyer: “Because all these police and ambulance and things you’d think that it was something out of a TV crime show.”
Agent: “Well… Now that you mention it…”
Buyer: “What? You mean this is where all those grisly murders have happened?”
Agent: “Er……yes.
Buyer: “Well, in that case I’ll definitely take it! 
Agent: “Pardon?”
Buyer: “Well, just think – to be right in the heart of such a famous area.”
Agent: “Uh…yes. Yes – absolutely. Shall we go in and sign some papers?”

Y.O.G.A. - !!!NEW!!!

A new parody song today whereby changing two letters in a song title changes the whole theme of the song.

"Y.M.C.A."

Hey girl, when you’re lost what to do.
I said, hey girl, I will give you a clue.
I said, hey girl, it’s up to you to choose
But I’ll tell you one thing I know.

Hey girl, looks like you need to chill.
I said, hey girl, put away all those pills.
I said, hey girl, follow me if you will
‘Cause there’s somewhere that you should go.

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.
It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

You’ll never know what you can do ‘til you try,
And so that is the reason why

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.
It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

You can get yourself fit, and you will feel just fine,
All while having a real good time...

Hey girl, looking much better now.
I said, hey girl, cleared away that old frown,
I said, hey girl, waste no time let’s get down
And show them just what you can do.

Hey girl, do you like what you see?
I said, hey girl, hold for a count of three
I said, hey girl, now try pose of a tree.
Look at that you’re on level two!

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.
It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

You’ll never know what you can do ‘til you try,
And so that is the reason why

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.
It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

You can get yourself fit, and you will feel just fine,
All while having a real good time...

Hey girl, good to see you again.
I said, hey girl, so nice you’ve brought a friend.
I said, hey girl, are you ready to bend.
Let’s get today’s class underway.

Hey girl, it’s so simple it’s true,
I said, hey girl, and relaxing to do.
I said, hey girl, it’ll stop you feeling blue
And will set you up for the day.

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.
It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

You’ll never know what you can do ‘til you try,
And so that is the reason why

It's fun so come and try Y.O.G.A.

Hey girl, hey boy, you can all join in too.
Hey girl, hey boy, it’s so easy to do.

Y.O.G.A.....you'll find that you like Y.O.G.A.

Hey girl, hey boy, you can all join in too.
Hey girl, hey boy, it’s so easy to do.

Y.O.G.A.....just go and do Y.O.G.A.

Hey girl, hey boy, do you like what you see?
Hey girl, hey boy, come and you will feel free

From The Mind of Merc - Merida & The Caramel Bunny

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the sexualisation of cartoon characters. Obviously this follows on from last month’s topic and yet again Disney has to take the top spot on this as not even its medieval maiden can escape unscathed. Despite the fact that the whole ethos of Princess Merida is that she doesn’t abide by conventions or focus/dwell on her appearance, prior to her induction as an Official Disney Princess the powers that be decided she needed a makeover. This was the result:

There was a huge amount of uproar in reaction to this and the image was hastily removed – an action of which Merida herself would no doubt have approved.

But it seems that it is not only Disney that is guilty of this as shown by the new design of the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny which emerged in 2009 (before and after shown below)

Is someone able to tell me what’s wrong with the old one? Because I’m struggling

Tongue on Trial sketch - Mercorabilia

And another new sketch! This is pure fantasy investing anthropomorphic qualities in teeth and a tongue to imagine what goes on behind the scenes in a human head and what would happen if one of them got a bit carried away...

<Mumblings and sounds of 'rhubarb' followed by gavel-esque sound which could also be said to sound like a clamping or chomping sound>
Teeth: Mr. Tongue – you are charged with insubordination, neglect of duty and attempted abandonment of post. How do you plead?
Tongue: Not guilty. I don't what all this is about. I reckon you’re all ganging up on me – just because I look different. Just because I'm able to move around a bit…
Teeth: Silence! We will deal with the charges one by one. Firstly – the charge of insubordination.
Tongue: What do you mean by insubordination?
Teeth: While in conversation with another, you came out with several profanities and swear words which caused considerable distress to those around.
Tongue: Well, I was bored. I thought I’d see if anyone was paying attention.
Teeth: Second – the charge of neglect of duty.
Tongue: What’s that mean?
Teeth: That what was in the brain and was intended to be said is not what came out of the mouth. 
Tongue: Oh, that was because I wasn’t paying attention. 
Teeth: What do you mean – you weren't paying attention? What were you doing?
Tongue: I was thinking about how interesting it all looked outside the mouth.
Teeth: Ah, now, this is where we come on to our final point - the charge of attempted abandonment of your post.
Tongue: It’s just it all looks so interesting out there. Haven’t you ever wondered what pavement tastes like?
Teeth: No, of course not. We’re teeth - we don’t taste, we chew - that is our job. And your job is to facilitate speech and digestion. That is your task and nothing else.
Tongue: You can’t stop me.
Teeth: If you attempt to escape again we will clamp down on you with the full force we are able to bear.
Tongue: Rubbish! You can’t stop me. I’m going for it - here I go!
Teeth: Hey! We warned you!
John: Ow! 
Fred: What’s the matter, John?
John: I just bit my tongue.
Fred: That’s a silly thing to do.
John: I didn’t do in purpose!
Fred: Well, who else did it then? It’s not like someone made you do it, is it? 
John: Hmm, I wonder...

Heimlich Manoeuvre Development sketch - Mercorabilia

Another new sketch today and this one imagines the thought, research and experimentation that must have gone into the development of the now famous Hiemlich manoeuvre... maybe

Reporter: And here at the Gesundheit Institute the doctor and his associates are working hard to develop the latest in life-saving techniques. Doctor Hiemlich – can you tell us what it is you’re working on at the moment?
Dr Hiemlich: Ah, well, I’m very glad you asked me that. You see – one of the most common/tragic incidents we find in today’s modern times is that people are always rushing about and this can cause problems when it comes to meal times. They’re in a hurry to get to their next task and perhaps don’t stop and chew things over as they should and consequently they find themselves suffering from Chronic Obstructive Foreign Item Nullifying Gullet or in layman’s terms ‘choking to death’.
Reporter: I see – so what have you done to establish a cure?
Dr Hiemlich: Well, we felt the obvious answer was to find a way to get the obstruction out of the person. So the first thing we tried was to try to reach in to try and get hold of the obstruction and retrieve it that way.
Reporter: And did that work?
Dr Hiemlich: No. No, unfortunately they grabbed hold of the wrong thing and, um, it all got a bit messy.
Reporter: I see.
Dr Hiemlich: So after that we decided to try a non-invasive approach. We thought maybe if we gave the subject a jolt from the other end it would knock the obstruction back up the windpipe.
Reporter: And did that work?
Dr Hiemlich: Sadly not. But on the plus side – had the man lived he would have made an excellent soprano addition to any choir.
Reporter: But you’re not letting this setbacks get you down?
Dr Hiemlich: Not at all. Now if you’ll excuse me I must just get back to my latest v-… Oh.
Reporter: It, er, it looks like he’s dead.
Dr Hiemlich: Yes. I probably shouldn’t have administered the obstruction before I started speaking to you. Hmm. I don’t suppose you’d care to volunteer for one of our studies?
Reporter: Uh, no - thank you.
Dr. Hiemlich: Oh, well, in that case there’s only one thing to be said to that.
Reporter: And what’s that?
Dr Hiemlich: Next!

The Old Ways Are The Best Sketch - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today and this one, in case you can't guess, is inspired by the truly terrible Tudor medicine that folks in the olden days had to endure.

<Bing>

Receptionist: Mr Smith? The doctor will see you now.

Mr Smith: Oh, thank you.

<Door opens and closes>

Mr Smith Hello.

Doctor: Ah, hello. Do come in. Take a seat. Now what seems to be the problem?

Mr Smith: Well – I seem to be suffering from a bit of gout. It’s getting quite painful.

Doctor: I see – well I think you’re in luck – I’ve got just the thing for that. It’s a mixture of worms, pig’s marrow and herbs all boiled together with a red-haired dog.

Mr Smith: Sounds a bit old-fashioned.

Doctor: Well you know what they say – the old ways are the best.

<Door opens and closes>

Doctor: Ah. Hello! What can I do for you?

RSPCA man: Dr DeVille? We’re from the RSPCA. We’ve had reports of animal cruelty at this surgery.

Doctor: Really? Well I can’t understand that.

RSPCA man: What sort of remedies do you provide here?

Doctor: Oh, we very much focus on the traditional remedies here. You know ones that have been around for centuries. Tried and tested stuff.

RSPCA man: Oh well (cough) that sounds all right (cough). We’ll leave you to it.

Doctor: Hang on. You sound like you’ve got a bit of a cough there. I’ve got just the thing to sort that. Here we are - live spiders in butter.

RSPCA man: Right – that’s it. You’re coming with us.
Doctor: Ah I see a non-believer, eh?

From The Mind of Merc - Disney

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about Disney and the ridiculous ideals they have of women's figures.

I know this has been done before but this is my attempt to 'improve' the waistline of Disney's princesses by expanding them ever so slightly.

You might not think there's much difference, or even question whether I changed them at all.
Now take a look at the original image:

Now compare the two and ask yourself - How is that a healthy image to communicate to children?

(You may also have noticed that Mulan's figure does not change between the images - this is simply to highlight my point)

Sapphire City Sequel sketch - Mercorabilia

I will admit that this sketch is a bit cheeky as it's written as a direct follow-on to a sketch that John Finnemore wrote for his Souvenir programme. I don't know if it has an official name but I've always referred to it as the Sapphire City sketch and it is hilariously funny - hence the desire to continue it. 
So if you ever stumble across this, Mr. Finnemore, I would just like to say - very sorry, huge fan.

Guard A: Stop it! He can see how many doors there are, you idiots! Now he knows you two both lie at least sometimes so I must always tell the truth.
Traveller 1: Oh, really? Which door leads to the city?
Guard A: Oh, bloody hell, that one.
Traveller 1: Thanks.
Guard A: No! Wait! Not that one!
<Sound of a tiger roaring and gunshots>
Traveller 1: Ahhhhh!
Guard A: Hmm – so I told the truth and they still picked the wrong door. 
Guard B: No – they must have known exactly which door you were pointing to.
Guard A: That’s never happened before.
Guard B: Yes – yes it has - that’s always happened before.
Guard A: I wonder if it would happen again.
Guard B: I seriously doubt it and don’t think you should.
Guard A: Alright I will.
<Fanfare>
Guard A: Halt traveller. In your quest to reach the Sapphire City you must now pass this test. Before you are two doors – behind one lies the path you seek. Behind the other a tiger with a gun. In front of each door is a guard – one always lies, one always tells the truth. But to aid you in your quest I can tell you that I always speak the truth.
Traveller 2: Which door is it?
Guard A: One of those.
Traveller 2: Could you be a little more specific?
Guard A: (disappointed pause) Yes, I could
Traveller 2: Oh, then will you?
Guard A: (happier) No, I won’t
Traveller 2: Oh. Hello, what do you do?
Guard B: I’m like him I always tell the truth.
Guard A: No, she doesn’t - she always lies.
Traveller 2: Oh, in that case – is this the door that leads to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: (after a pause) …Maybe.
Traveller 2: Ok – if I asked him which door leads to the City what would he say?
Guard B: (with a sigh) He’d say this one.
Traveller 2: Thanks very much.
<Sound of door opening and closing>
Guard A: Hmm. Well, that didn’t work.
Guard B: Yes, it did. It worked brilliantly and I think you should do it again.
Guard A: Yeah – maybe it should go back to how it was before.
Traveller 3: Hello.
Guard A: Ah, halt traveller….
Traveller 3: Ah yes – I’ve seen this before. Which door would he say is the way to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: This one.
Traveller 3: Thanks.
Guard A: Then again…

(You may have noticed that the third guard who was causing all the problems in the original sketch has mysteriously disappeared. Maybe they did him in, maybe he was a figment of their imagination, maybe he's just wandered off, or maybe for convenience sake he just didn't fit into the sketch sequel - we shall never know)