Unsuspicious Circumstances sketch - Mercorabilia

A return to the world of Midsomer today and, in a way, it’s mixing it with the Mock the Week round ‘Scenes We’d Like To See’ as it’s ‘Things You’d Never See in a Midsomer Murders Episode’

Barnaby: Evening, George.
Bullard: Evening, Tom.
Barnaby: So what have we got?
Bullard: John Smith, aged 89, found dead in his bed by his housekeeper.
Barnaby: So what did he die from?
Bullard: Natural causes.
Barnaby: <pause> Are you sure?
Bullard: Yes.
Barnaby: Hmm. What’s the scar on his chest?
Bullard: That’s where I cut him open to do the autopsy.
Barnaby: I see. And this?
Bullard: That’s a tan-line from his watch.
Barnaby: So there’s no sign of foul play.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: What about this?
Bullard: What?
Barnaby: This bruise.
Bullard: That’s your shadow.
Barnaby: Ah. <pause> So there’s nothing untoward.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: No suspicious toxicology results.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: No sign of anything that could be construed as suspicious.
Bullard: No.
Barnaby: Are you trying to tell me that this Midsomer resident genuinely died of natural causes?
Bullard: Yes.
Barnaby: Hmm. <pause> Isn’t that in itself suspicious?

Murder Mystery Estate Agents sketch - Mercorabilia

I’ve been watching a lot of murder mysteries recently and one thing (perhaps the most obvious thing) occurred to me - how on earth do local estate agents manage to sell any houses in the areas where the shows are based? You would have thought it’s the last place anyone would want to live. It must go something like this:

Agent: “Well, there you have it, Mrs Smith. A charming little bijou cottage. Thatched roof and diamond grill windows. And very close to all the local amenities”
Buyer: “And you’re sure this is perfectly safe area?”
Agent: “Oh yes – absolutely. Nothing ever happens in Midsomer.”
Barnaby: “Morning, Bill.”
Agent: “Ah, DCI Barnaby. Good morning. Off on your rounds I trust?”
Barnaby: “Oh, always something to do round here. Just off to another one. Better dash.”
Buyer: “Another one?”
Agent: “Greenhouse robbery, I expect.”
Buyer: “Oh dear.”
Agent: “Well now – where were we? Oh yes. Very close to all the local amenities, all mod cons…”
<sound of police car passing>
Buyer: “What’s all that about?”
Agent: “Oh, er, someone’s probably been caught jaywalking across the high street.”
<sound of ambulance passing>
Buyer: “And what was that?”
Agent: “Oh…er…Old Mrs Thompson’s probably fallen downstairs again. Shall we continue?”
Buyer: “Hmm. I must say this does seem to be a very accident prone village.”
Agent: “Oh, absolutely not. This is one of the safest places to be. You couldn’t wish for anywhere safer. Now as I was saying...
Buyer: “Are you absolutely sure there’s nothing about this area I should know?”
Agent: “Er…
Buyer: “Because all these police and ambulance and things you’d think that it was something out of a TV crime show.”
Agent: “Well… Now that you mention it…”
Buyer: “What? You mean this is where all those grisly murders have happened?”
Agent: “Er……yes.
Buyer: “Well, in that case I’ll definitely take it! 
Agent: “Pardon?”
Buyer: “Well, just think – to be right in the heart of such a famous area.”
Agent: “Uh…yes. Yes – absolutely. Shall we go in and sign some papers?”

Murder tent sketch - Mercorabilia

Wow - January's flying by. Almost too quick for me to put up another Mercorabilia sketch.
This one is inspired by the familiar two-handed sketches of the Two Ronnies but directed towards the less comical setting of murder mysteries. Hopefully, the investigating officer never has to deal with subordinates like these:

(Police officer stood around a two man camping tent with signs of blood spatter on the inside. Police inspector enters and goes over to them)

Inspector: So what have we got here? (looks inside) Hmm – pretty nasty. Right! (turns to officers – as he gives instructions they start to filter away) Get SOCO to do a sweep of this entire area. Start taking witness statements – see if any passers by saw anything and we’ll need to set up the murder tent.

Constable: But it’s in a tent

Inspector: Yes I know it’s a tent but it’s a murder so we need to set up the murder tent

Constable: But if this where the murder happened, isn’t this the murder tent?

Inspector: Are you trying to be funny?

Constable: No, Serge. Just trying to understand your instructions.

Inspector: What’s there to understand? It’s very simple – there’s been a murder, we need a murder tent

Constable: But it is a murder tent

Inspector: No – it’s the scene of crime. Just because the crime happened to take place in a tent does not mean we can overlook standard protocol. And standard protocol instructs us to set up a murder tent.

Constable: But it is a tent.

Inspector: Oh for pity’s sake! Wilson!

PC Wilson: Yes, Serge?

Inspector: Have the boys set up a murder tent around the body, will you?

PC Wilson: But it’s in a tent, serge.

Inspector: Oh for the love of -!”