Not By Yourself - !!!NEW!!!

Tomorrow we take one step closer to escaping the lockdown restrictions. But, as they are still not over yet, there may still be people struggling with forced isolation or change in social circumstances so partly to aid this (and partly because I disagreed with Comic Relief's choice of using All By Myself for part of their otherwise excellent evening's entertainment), I thought a create this parody.

All By Myself Not By Yourself not by Celine Dion

One year ago
We didn’t know how this would go
Being locked down is such a blow
Nowhere to go

If you’re alone
The only one in your whole home
You are still not on your own
Pick up the phone

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

Hard to stay sane
When you can’t help but feel the strain
So I just hope that this refrain
Relieves the pain

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t 

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

One year ago
We didn’t know how time would flow
Being locked down is such a blow
Nowhere to go

All by yourself
You’ll never be
All by yourself
No you won’t

All by yourself
You’ll never be

You’ll never be
By yourself, by yourself
No you won’t

By yourself
No you won’t

All by yourself
You’ll never be
We didn’t, didn’t, didn’t
Know how this would go

From The Mind of Merc - NotAllMen

 Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the infuriating hashtag which is #notallmen.

I'm not going to go into a lot of argument about the topic. Instead, I'm just going to say this:

Malone sketch - Mercorabilia

I wrote another sketch today.

A: I’m Malone

B: Aren’t we all?

A: What? No I mean I’m Malone. Steve Malone.

B: I know. What else do you expect at this Malone family reunion?

A: So you’re…

B: Malone. I’m Malone too. Hello. Bob Malone.

A: Right. Well, nice to meet you. <pause> So you didn’t think I said ‘I’m Alone’ just then?

B: No. Why would I? Quite clearly you’re not. None of us are. There’s several hundred of us just in this one room so why would think you’re alone.

A: Well, I’m not with anyone. I could have lost the person I was with so I could be alone. Er… technically we could all said to be alone, you know, in this great big world of ours…

B: I see. <pause> Well, I didn’t think any of that.

A: Right. Good.

B: Good.

<pause>

A: So do you come here often?

B: What?!?

A: T-to the reunion, I mean.

B: Oh, yes. Every year.

A: Really? Cos I’ve not seen you here before.

B: Well, that’s not that strange, is it? Because, as I just said, there’s absolutely hundreds of us here. So the chances of us running into the same people all the time must be pretty slim.

A: Yeah, but big family or not, it’s more than likely we’ll all see everyone who’s here at some point so I’m just wondering how come I haven’t seen you before.

<pause>

B: Alright. I lied. I’m not really a Malone. I’m a Jameson. It’s just… I saw this big party and it looked so amazing and I just wanted to join in.

A: You mean you gatecrashed someone else’s party? Why on earth would you do that?

B: Well… I guess it’s because… I’m alone.

The Last Rolo - Mercorabilia

I wrote this sketch today. 

F: I wuv you

M: I wuv you too

F: How much do you wuv me?

M: So much so that I’m going to give you… my last rolo

F: Aw, thanks baby

M: Because I know how much you wuv chocolate

F: <Pause> Are you saying I’m fat?

M: What? No! I was just saying you love chocolate

F: Which implies I’m fat

M: No it doesn’t! Of course it doesn’t. It just implies you have a sweet tooth

F: Because I like chocolate so much I eat it all the time and am consequently a huge porker

M: No I didn’t… Oh for pity’s sake <eats rolo> satisfied?

F: You ate the rolo

M: I know

F: You ate your last rolo

M: But you didn’t want it

F: I never said that!

M: Oh for f- fine! Next time we’re at the shops I’ll get you your own packet of rolos

F: Are you saying I’m greedy?

M: Oh bloody hell!

 

From The Mind of Merc - A Change For The Better?

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the effect of the recent US election on UK politics.

Has anyone else noticed the change in Boris Johnson’s approach to (in effect) his job since his best buddy Donald Trump was ousted from the Presidency following November's vote?

Prior to this he seemed to be following the example of the sexist, racist bigot the US were unfortunate enough to have to call their Commander-in-chief; evidently believing that if the POTUS could get away with God knows what and still stay in power then so could he. Then along comes the US election which Trump undeniably (despite what he’d like to think) and humiliatingly loses and suddenly the truth hits home and Johnson is left buddy-less, example-less and the only and worst remaining demonstrable failure on the political stage – especially when it comes to COVID. Surely now is the time he needs to pull his finger out and I think there are clear signs that there has been a definite change in his approach.

For example, let’s start with COVID:

Johnson has gone from ‘Herd Immunity’ and ‘It’s not that bad’ to ‘We must act now’ and ‘We will be following data, not dates’. While this could be said to be the approach he should have had a year ago, I think the main thing to take out of this is that he does appear to be actually trying to do his job – we can only hope and pray this is the start of a long-term policy.

Also, the departure of Dominic Cummings from his team hopefully shows that just as he is no longer committed to playing follow my leader with Trump and his policies, he is now less inclined to blindly and foolishly follow the advice of people he likes, has previously trusted or possibly have leverage over him. True he is still not practising accountability for himself or his cohorts – as demonstrated by the fact that Cummings faced no repercussions for any of his transgressions and likewise Matt Hancock has now evaded censure for his unlawful actions regarding COVID contracts – but it is a definite step in the right direction.

I’m not saying he’s perfect – there's still a long way to go before he even gets close to that and there are still a lot of dismissive policies and borderline comical U-Turns to sort out, get past or prevent from happening ever again.

Overall, I believe judgement should be reserved on this newfound ‘dedication’ until we have sufficient time to judge the success and also longevity of his apparent epiphany but it is hopefully I sign that we are at last truly on the road to recovery. We can only hope that the UK finally gets the leader we so desperately need and that Johnson apparently desperately believes he is.

Put On A F*cking Mask - Mercorabilia

As it seems some people are still struggling with this fairly simple message, I thought I'd try telling it with the help of the great Bard himself and his 'Put money in thy purse' speech from Othello.

It is merely a lust of the blood and a permission of
the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favour with
an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
love to the Moor,— put money in thy purse,—nor he
his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
shalt see an answerable sequestration:—put but
money in thy purse. These Moors are changeable in
their wills: fill thy purse with money:—the food
that to him now is as luscious as locusts, shall be
to him shortly as bitter as coloquintida. She must
change for youth: when she is sated with his body,
she will find the error of her choice: she must
have change, she must: therefore put money in thy
purse. If thou wilt needs damn thyself, do it a
more delicate way than drowning. Make all the money
thou canst: if sanctimony and a frail vow betwixt
an erring barbarian and a supersubtle Venetian not
too hard for my wits and all the tribe of hell, thou
shalt enjoy her; therefore make money. A pox of
drowning thyself! it is clean out of the way: seek
thou rather to be hanged in compassing thy joy than
to be drowned and go without her.

Oh Dr Beeching - !!!NEW!!!

With the news that (yet more) railway lines closed by Dr Beeching in the 1960s are to be reopened, it makes you wonder one very specific thing...

Oh Dr Beeching
What was the point
You closed down loads of railway lines
And left us all disjoint(ed)
But now we’re going back
To the way things were before
Oh Dr Beeching
What on earth was it all for?

From The Mind of Merc - New President

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, possibly inspired by a certain announcement, I was thinking about the recent transition of power in the White House. Can't help but think it might be a bit like this:

I Became VP - !!!NEW!!!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! The day has come and he's finally gone. What better way to celebrate that with a parody in honour of the new second-in-command. 
Given her appointment can effectively be said to be thanks to the inspiration for this song's original focus, I figured it was rather apt.

I Sat On A Bus I Became VP not from Horrible Histories

I’m K Harris, Rosa’s heiress
I picked up on her old fight
Sexist bigot in charge, racist killers at large
It just was not all right
What could I do to attempt a reprieve?     
Why have you heard of me?
What could one little woman achieve?
We-e-e-ell

I became VP
(You became VP?)
I became VP
(You became VP?)
You want to know how?
(Go ahead, tell me)
I became VP
(You became VP)

Since Year ‘16, when Trump took over
We faced a grim outlook
(It’s sad to see)
Black blood was spilled, and innocents killed
Yet no one brought to book
(How can it be?)
Even though I am a mixed race girl
Joe picked me as his partner
(Filled us with glee)      
Trump tried to shout it’s not allowed
You’d think that he would be smarter
(No, not really)
He failed in this, still wouldn’t desist
Yet he could not beat me
Was here to stay - would persist
And so I

Became VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(She became VP)
For all folks to see
(She won it you see)
So I was made VP
(She was made VP) 

We started up a campaign to ensure a correction
To bring round all of the voters and to win the next election
The USA I’m sad to say
Was suff’ring from dejection
Cause decency was gone and prejudice was strong
(Oh, our poor nation)

We faced libel, lies and slander
Yet we kept soldiering on
Fought for the soul, to evict the troll
Just wanted Trump gone
It all came down to one big day
November the third
(Democracy)       
The vote was tight even so
We had the final word
(Majority)
Our time’s come we’ve finally won
Biden now leads the country
He is the forty sixth US president 

And I’m the new VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(For you and me)
I became VP
(She became VP)
I am, I am
(Our country will see
A woman VP)
I am, I am, I’m the new VP
(We’re glad you see
She’s our new VP)
I’m VP
(She became VP
For you and me
I became VP
She became VP
She became VP)

Not About You - !!!NEW!!!

 I know I've used this song for a parody before but I think this version is a valuable message.

All About You Not About You not by McFly

It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you, baby (it's not about)
It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you

Yesterday, you posted something about this “flu”
You still need to wear a mask, It's not about you
Though you replied to me saying you know it’s “true”
It’s really not much to ask, it's not about you

And I will answer all your queries
If you force me to
But if you persist with your crazy theories
I must unfriend you
So listen close to the science, like we all must do
Just please put on a facemask
It's not about you, yeah

And I will answer all your queries
If you force me to
But if you persist with your crazy theories
I must unfriend you
So listen close to the science, like we all must do
Just please put on a facemask
It’s really not much to ask
Don’t make me take you to task 
It's not about you

It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you, baby (it's not about)
It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you, baby
It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you, baby (it's not about you)
It's not about you (not about you)
It's not about you
It's not about you