King of the UK - !!!NEW!!!

Given I've gone parody songs for other royal occasions, this kinda had to be done. And as His Majesty is a lifelong fan of The Goons Show, what other tune was I going to use?

I'm Walking Backwards I'm Finally The King not by Spike Milligan 

I'm finally King of the UK

Which strides the Irish Sea

I'm finally King of the UK

That I've been heir of since 3

The robes they may look silly

And the crown it weighs a ton

But that's what I get for

Being born the eldest son

I'm finally King of the UK

And will be til I die

From The Mind of Merc - Double Standards

 Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about double standards.

I’ve done a similar exercise/example before (actually using one of the same individuals) but let’s just see what you think:

Person A is accused of abuse by one individual. They are subsequently ostracised and virtually blacklisted by Hollywood and evicted from several major franchises despite the fact that everyone else they know or have dated in the past comes to their defence asserting that they are not an abuser.

Person B is a proven abuser both by reputation and in court as reported by several previous partners. They are also exposed as a liar and a manipulator yet they are not even suspended from any of their current productions and seemingly face no repercussions for the aspersions they cast. 

How is this fair?

(In case you’re wondering/haven’t worked it out, Person A is Johnny Depp and Person B is Amber Heard. Johnny lost Pirates of the Caribbean and Fantastic Beasts thanks to Amber’s lies. Amber is still in Aquaman.
When Kevin Spacey was accused of abuse in 2017, his entire role in the film ‘All The Money In The World’ was reshot with Christopher Plummer so it’s clearly possible to do that. Yet for some reason there is still inaction on the part of Warner Bros – hence my comment on double standards)

He's a Pussycat sketch - Mercorabilia

Meeting your new boss can always be a stressful and intimidating time. Perhaps more so in a situation like this:

Jack: I have to say I’m still feeling a bit nervous about meeting our new boss.
Jill: Oh you don’t need to worry. He’s a pussycat.
Jack: You keep saying that.
Jill: That’s because it’s true.
Jack: Well, I guess I’ll soon find out here he comes now. Oh.
Jill: There you are.
Jack: Yes, I see what you mean. Er, hello, sir. How are you today?
Boss: Meow.
Jack: I see. Everything going all right is it?
Boss: Meow.
Jack: Good. Good. Well, I won’t keep you. I’m sure you’re very busy.
Boss: Meow.
Jack: Right. You know, when you said he was a pussycat. I didn’t realise you meant… an actual pussycat.
Jill: What did you think I meant?
Jack: Well, you know, it’s a saying, isn’t it? Like he’s really easy to get on with. He’s a pussycat.
Jill: But he is a pussycat.
Jack: I know that… now. Although to be honest if I had known he was an actual cat I don’t know if I’d have felt any more reassured.
Jill: Why not?
Jack: Well, it’s a bit unnerving isn’t it meeting a 6 foot semi-human moggy. Plus not all cats are pussycats, are they?
Jill: What do you mean?
Jack: Well, some of them can be a bit vicious. And they’ve got claws. I mean, just look at him. What is he doing now? It looks like he’s choking.
Jill: I expect it’s just a hairball.
Jack: But it’s disgusting!
Boss: <Hissss!>
Jill: I think he heard you.
Jack: Oops. Sorry, sir. Didn’t mean it. Just… carry on.
Boss: <Growls>
Jack: That was a close one.
Jill: I think you’d better watch what you say from now on.
Jack: Absolutely – cat’s got my tongue.
Boss: <Hiss>
Jack: Sorry.
Jill: I think you’re fired.

Food Glorious Food - !!!NEW!!!

I work for Fareshare - the food redistribution charity - which, at times of crisis like this, is increasingly relied upon to make up for the shortfall in the government's (mis)management of the country. For some incomprehensible reason (Tory self-aggrandisement), this need is only increasing leading to plaintive cries such as this:

Food Glorious Food not from Oliver
Is this what we voted for?
Watching poverty rates soar
So hungry it makes us sob      
Every day we pray they’ll change
Make living within our range?
Yet they say it’s not their job!
10 years ago, at the UK food banks,
They gave out sixty one thousand meals
But that’s now shot right up to over two million
Now just what about that is appeal(ing) 

Food, we all need food
It’s vital for living
Yet we're all eschewed
That’s not very giving
There seems there’s never enough
Why not is the question?
Yes that’s right you’ve got it, love
Tory (in)action

Food, we all need food
Can’t survive without it
With benefits cut
We cannot afford it
Yet we fund the MPs meals
It’s all become skewed
Oh food! We all need food!
We must have food, we all need food

Food we all need food
Forgot what it feels like
Not to go hungry
That’s now a daily fight
Watching the MPs growing fat
Our senses are reeling
Watching their bank accounts that
Hit the ceiling

Food we all need food
What would just it take for
Them to do their job
And to not shaft the poor                    
Why should they be allowed to
Forgo to include
Our food
‘Cause we need food
Where is the food
We must have food
Give us our food
We all need food
Where is the food

From The Mind of Merc - Choices

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the conundrum facing the enquiry panel - they basically have to decide whether Boris Johnson is an incompetent idiot or a corrupt criminal. Personally, I think the answer is obvious:

Even so, I'm not 100% convinced that a beneficial outcome will be produced whatever they decide as it appears to actually have an effect, his own party (of which 100 MPs backed him to reclaim the Premiership last year) have to agree to apply it. Sounding remarkably reminiscent of the attempt to impeach Trump - can only work if his own party are against him. 

It also doesn't help that the current incumbent is undoubtedly not any better seeing as how he appears to believe his having a heated swimming pool is more important than the people he is supposed to represent being able to eat(!)
Not to mention his disparaging of policies which turn out in fact to have been Tory-instigated and led - like the time he expounded the virtues benefits of being in the EU - talk about facepalm moment.
Plus his apparent conviction that answering questions to his own satisfaction is adequate for everyone else. Guess again.

There may be some sheeple in this world but they are not the majority. Neither are the Tory supporters as it has previously been reported that the majority votes any recent Tory stunt or election has garnered have been as protest votes against other choices (such as the referendum and the last election which is not only stupid and short-sighted but catastrophically damaging) rather than the voters actually choosing or preferring the Tory option.

I hope and pray that when we next have a choice come the next election that these self-serving money grubbing lawbreakers will be firmly and unequivocally shown the door and we can start repairing the country the Tories have spent the past 13 years systematically destroying for their own ends.

I have said this so many times but feel it needs saying again:

THE TORIES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. 

Please repeat as necessary until the message sinks in.

Fairest Of Them All Award - Mercorabilia

It's quite an interesting title to claim isn't it - Fairest of them all. What if there was an actual competition...? 

Reporter: And I’m here with the Queen who is the current holder of the title ‘Fairest of them all’ and… no.. wait, I’m sorry – I’m just being told it seems there is a new contender for the title. And it’s none other than the Queen’s own stepdaughter – Princess Snow White!
Queen: Snow White? That little upstart! She’s not the fairest of them all. She doesn’t even compare. I mean her skin is so ridiculously pale it’s…
Reporter: (dreamily) White as snow.
Queen: Clearly a sign she’s sickening for something. Obviously diseased. And her lips…
Reporter: (dreamily) Red as blood.
Queen: Exactly – it’s disgusting. And that hair it’s…
Reporter: (dreamily) Black as ebony
Queen: So?
Reporter: I think she’s got a shot.
Queen: (quietly) She soon will do.
Reporter: I’m sorry – did you say something?
Queen: No. No – nothing.
Reporter: Well, there you have it, folks. Even the Queen is left speechless by her beauty.
Queen: That’s it – Huntsman! Bring me the girl’s heart!
Reporter: Well, I think I settles it. You are definitely not the fairest of them all.
Queen: His too.
Reporter: What?

Wye Is It sketch - Mercorabilia

I know I've used this sketch before but this idea came into my head a while ago and I haven't been able to shake it. So here it is:

Wye Is It Who’s On First not by Abbott & Costello
Abbott: Did you know that the town I live in is the smallest in England.
Costello: Is that so?
Abbott: Yep. I was reading about it the other day. Smallest in England.
Costello: What’s it called?
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No, not What. Wye.
Costello: Why what?
Abbott: No. I didn’t say what. I said Wye.
Costello: I know. And I said what.
Abbott: Why did you say what?
Costello: Because you said why.
Abbott: So
Costello: So why?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: What.
Abbott: No not what. Wye.
Costello: Wait a minute. You live in the town?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the town’s name?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then? Tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I don’t know. I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: But you’re not telling me.
Abbott: Yes, I am.
Costello: What’s the name of the town you live in.
Abbott: No, it’s not what. It’s Wye.
Costello: Do you want to tell me the name?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: Well, go ahead.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you wanted to.
Abbott: I do.
Costello: So go ahead.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I'm just asking it’s name.
Abbott: That is its name.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No, Wye.
Costello: Just tell me.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: You did?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: But you… Look, look, look…you know the name of the town?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: What is it?
Abbott: No.
Costello: What?
Abbott: No.
Costello: No?
Abbott: No. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know why but you won’t tell me.
Abbott: Won’t tell you what.
Costello: You said it isn’t what.
Abbott: It isn’t what.
Costello: I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what?
Abbott: No. Wye
Costello: Ok. Let’s try again. You said you lived in the smallest town in England.
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the name of this town.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because I want to know.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you’d tell me.
Abbott: And I’m telling you.
Costello: So tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you said you live in the smallest town in England, how is the town’s name written?
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I just want to know.
Abbott: And I just want to tell you
Costello: So go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: I don’t know any more.
Abbott: You don’t need to know anymore. I’m telling you.
Costello: Go on then.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Why do you keep asking me why?
Abbott: I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know. Maybe you just felt like it. Who’s to say why?
Abbott: I did.
Costello: You did what?
Abbott: Say Wye.
Costello: Did you?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, I never heard you.
Abbott: How can you not have heard? I’m standing right here.
Costello: Well, go ahead and say it again.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Because you said you’d said it. And I didn’t hear it. So I asked you to say it again.
Abbott: And I did.
Costello: Well, go on then.
Abbott: Wye.
Costello: Oh for…
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the town name where you live.
Abbott: No. What isn’t it.
Costello: I don’t know what isn’t it. How am I supposed to be able to know when you won’t tell me what it is.
Abbott: No. What it isn’t.
Costello: So what is it?
Abbott: No. Wye.
Costello: I don’t know why.
Abbott: Well, I do.
Costello: Good. I’m happy for you.

From The Mind of Merc - Patron Saints

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about patron saints. Specifically those of the United Kingdom. Given that today is St David's Day this seemed particularly apposite.

On looking into these figures, 1 thing stood out - St David appears to be unique in being the only patron saint who was actually born in the country he is patron saint of!

Let's look at the stats:

England
- George
- Born in Turkey (to Greek parents)
- Died 23^rd April 303AD
- Famous for: Slaying a dragon that was terrorising a city and saving the life of a princess (this part of his story was added in the 11^th century)
- Actual achievements: Being a Roman soldier who was martyred for being Christian with his execution convincing the Empress to become Christian (she was also executed) 

Scotland

- Andrew

- Born in Galilee, Israel (to Jewish parents)
- Lived 5-60/70 AD
- Famous for: Being crucified on an X-shaped cross (hence the shape on the Scottish flag); a sign of which inspired the victory of Oengus II in 832
- Actual achievements: Being a disciple of Jesus (originally a disciple of John the Baptist) and attending several important occasions mentioned in the Bible 

Wales

- David

- Born in Ceredigion, Wales (to Welsh parents)
- Lived 500 – 1^st March 589 AD
- Famous for: Creating a small hill to form where he stood in Brefi (the village of Llanddewi Brefi now stands on this spot) and having a white dove settle on his shoulder
- Actual achievements: Being a renowned preacher and teacher who founded monastic settlements in Wales and presided over the Synod of Caerleon (or Synod of Victory) 

Ireland

- Patrick

- Born in England (to Roman parents)
- Lived 5^th century
- Famous for: Banishing snakes from Ireland, fasting for 40 days on a mountain and using the shamrock to demonstrate the Holy Trinity of father, son and holy spirit
- Actual achievements: Being kidnapped by pirates aged 16, escaping back to England before returning to Ireland to promote Christianity and eventually become a bishop

Supreme Head Of The Church - !!!NEW!!!

And here's number 2:

Another One Bites The Dust Supreme Head of The Church not by Queen
It seems King Henry’s had enough
Of not getting his own way
He’s been married for 24 years
But now Kate has had her day
She just won’t oh no just won’t leave
And is still insisting she is the queen
But the king’s got a plan up his sleeve
And now soon he will be 

Supreme Head of the Church
Supreme Head of the Church
The Supreme Head of The Supreme Head of
Supreme Head of the Church
Oh yes oh yes it’s true
Supreme Head of the Church

He gets his own way as always Kate is gone
Now Anne is by his side
Her pregnant belly swells with Henry’s child
And Anne she just glows with pride
It is a son, a son to be sure
At last he will have an heir
Ok so maybe not a prince this time but
One day soon now he will get there

Supreme Head of the Church
Supreme Head of the Church
The Supreme Head of The Supreme Head of
Supreme Head of the Church
Oh yes oh yes it’s true
Supreme Head of the Church

He 

Oh he is – of the church of the church
Yes Supreme Head of the Church
Supreme Head of the Church now
Supreme Head of the Church he he
Supreme Head of the Church yeah
Ooh look out

There are many more ways Henry learns he can gain
From his fresh break with Rome
The abbeys and
The friaries and
The monasteries gold he can now call his own
Now with Cromwell yes Cromwell by his side
He can seize all their property
Melt it all down and sell it all on
Close it down and then set them all free

Supreme Head of the Church
Supreme Head of the Church
The Supreme Head of The Supreme Head of
Supreme Head of the Church
Oh yes oh yes it’s true
Supreme Head of the Church
Look out

Another One Bites The Dust - !!!NEW!!!

As I've started reusing songs for my parodies (and because I couldn't decide which version I preferred of the two I penned) here is the 1st of 2 new creations using a Queen classic.

Another One Bites The Dust not by Queen
King Henry has broken with Rome
So that he can marry Anne
But soon it seems there is more than that
To his grand master plan
He needs money yes he needs money for war
And it is their money that he can see
Now that Henry is head of the Church
It’s all his property yeah 

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey he’s gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

It will not take Thomas Cromwell very long
Until it all is gone
He’ll take them for everything that they had
And kick them out of the town
Is he happy Is he satisfied?
Now that he has all their gold
The abbeys are gone and the monks
Are left out in the cold look out

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey he’s gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust 

Hey

Oh watch it - Bite the dust bite the dust
Hey Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust now
Another one bites the dust oh oh
Another one bites the dust yeah
Ooh look out

There are plenty of ways that you can skin a church
It seems Cromwell has found
You can raid ‘em You can trade ‘em You can grade ‘em bad
And sell off what you’ve found
They are falling yes they are falling fast
Against Cromwell’s relentless tide
Even a bit of bribery and
Corruption won’t get him on your side

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust yeah
Hey he’s gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
Look out