The Alternative Mermaid sketch - Mercorabilia

Today I thought I'd put pen to paper (or rather finger to keyboard) to write up the alternative ending to Disney's The Little Mermaid that I'd previously come across. It's so simple! And obvious! Although it would have condensed the film quite considerably.
This much in fact:

Ursula: Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know.

Ariel: But I don't have any -

Ursula: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is . . . your voice.

Ariel: My voice?

Ursula: You've got it, sweetcakes. No more talking, singing, zip.

Ariel: But without my voice, how can I -

Ursula: You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha!
[singing] The men-

Ariel: Alright - deal.

Ursula: Do you mind? I was in the middle of my favourite number!

Ariel: Well, I do have a prince to catch.

Ursula: Fair enough. Sign here.

Ariel signs contract with faint smile on her lips.
Ursula: Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea.
Now rings us glossitis and max laryngitis,
La voce to me!
Now . . . sing!

Ariel: [Sings.]

Ursula: Keep singing! 

Giant magical hands rip out Ariel's voice and take it to Ursula who stores it in her shell necklace. She laughs as Ariel is changed into a human and rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.

Fade to beach. Eric and Max are walking near castle.

Eric: [Playing flute.] That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? 

Max smells Ariel and gets excited.

Eric: Max? Huh . . . what, Max!

Max chases Ariel up onto a rock.

Eric: Max . . . Max - Quiet Max! What's gotten into you fella? [Sees Ariel.] Oh . . . Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - . . . you . . . seem very familiar . . . to me. Have we met?

Ariel nods

Eric: We have met? I knew it! You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? 

Ariel mouths "Ariel" but no words come out.

Eric: What's wrong? What is it? You can't speak? 

Ariel shrugs.

Eric: Oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. 

Ariel is trying to get his attention and mimes writing on her hand.

Eric: What is it? You want… you want something to write on? O-ok. Give me a minute.

Eric ferrets through his pockets and pulls out a scrap of paper and a stub of pencil

Eric: Here you go.

Ariel grabs the proffered instruments and begins to scribble away as best she can while Eric watches bewildered. After a while Ariel appears to get frustrated - what she wants to say won’t fit on the paper. She angrily crosses out what she’s written, turns the paper over and tries again. Once finished, she hands the paper to Eric who reads aloud.

Eric: “I am the one who saved you from the shipwreck. If you kiss me, I can prove it.” Oh. Oh, cool. Well, if it’s alright with you, miss.

Ariel nods – yes, it’s definitely alright with her. Eric leans forward and the two of them kiss.

Deep under the sea, Ursula’s shell necklace begins to glow.

Ursula: What the-? It can’t be.

The shell explodes and Ariel’s voice bursts out of it – singing the tune Ariel sang as it was taken - and rises to the surface; evading Ursula’s attempts to recapture it. It bursts out of the waves and heads straight for Ariel. Eric seems to recognise it. The ball of light collides with Ariel’s throat and Ariel’s voice is restored. Eric is stunned.

Ariel: Eric.

Eric: It really is you.

Ariel: I told you so.

Eric: Will you marry me?

Ariel: Of course.

Cut to: Eric & Ariel’s wedding ship leaves port. The merfolk rise up to wave her off. Ursula appears above the waves a short distance

Ursula: That little tramp.

Triton, who is a floating in front of Ursula, turns and sees her. His expression darkens and he raises his trident.

Ursula: Oh sh-

Triton: Ursula, stop!

Triton fires his trident and Ursula explodes into pieces. Satisfied, Triton turns back to watch the ship sail away.

Ariel's Mistake sketch - Mercorabilia

A return to a favourite topic of mine - Alternate Disney - i.e. subtle changes or twists or omissions to Disney which could make for quite a different story or ending. Today's focus is on The Little Mermaid.

Flounder: Oh no! Eric’s ship’s already set sail! He’s about to marry Ursula! Ariel, what are you doing to do?
<Ariel tries to communicate using a series of arm gestures to explain her plan>
Flounder: Nope – didn’t get any of that.
Sebastian: Try again, Ariel. But slower.
<Ariel does the same actions but slower>
Flounder: Still nothing.
<Ariel decides to try charades – she holds up 3 fingers>
Flounder: 3 words
<Ariel holds up 1 finger>
Flounder: 1st word
<Ariel holds up her hand – palm facing them>
Flounder: Hand. No? Palm. High five.
<Ariel repeats the gesture>
Sebastian: Stop? Stop! Ok – Stop...
<Ariel makes the T gesture>
Flounder: The. Stop The...
<Ariel tries to mime wedding – without success>
Flounder: Look – this is getting ridiculous – why don’t you just write it down?
<Ariel looks confused>
Sebastian: She can write?
Flounder: Yeah – well she signed the contract with Ursula so it’s obvious she knows how to hold a pen
Sebastian: Are you kidding me? If that’s the case, why didn’t she do that/she could have tried that with Eric
Flounder: What do you mean?
Sebastian: Well, instead of all this faffing around trying to get Eric to fall in love with her, she could have just written him a note – something like: Eric, it was that rescued you. I love you. Please kiss me. Actually, you know what, if she’d done that then we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in now.
Flounder: That’s a good point. Hey, Ariel – why didn’t you try/think of that?
<Ariel shrugs>
Sebastian: Anyway, no time for this - let’s get that boat and Stop That Wedding!
<Ariel punches the air – delighted he got her charade>

She Had It Coming - !!!NEW!!!

A popular twist these days seems to be to take a traditional fairy tale and look at it from the villain's point of view - i.e. Maleficent, etc. So I thought I'd do the same using a song from a popular musical. 

(Animation) Cell Block Tango or She Had It Coming - not from Chicago 
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
She only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
Queen: I betcha you would have done the same!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula (Spoke):  You know how people have these prejudices that make no sense.
Like Triton. Triton was anti-women.
No, not women. Me.
So I’m banished to a cave just for wanting to help him rule, and I'm looking for a way of get back at him
And there's Ariel swimming into my home, asking for help to get Eric.
Yes, not Triton. But me.
So, I said to her, I said, "Of course dear just sign on this line..."
And she did.
So I took brought my cauldron up to boil and gave her the legs she wanted...
...and took her voice.
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
She only had herself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Tremaine (Spoke):    I knew Cinderella was a flighty girl from the day I’d met her
And when her dad died I made sure that she was kept busy all the day
And that’s when we got the invitation
We went to the ball, she stayed home, to fix up her dress, like a good girl.
And then I found out,
"Stay at home" she told me “Why would do that? “
Not only had she gone out
Oh, no, she’d won the prince.
Fairy godmothers, you know.
So that day, when the Duke came round to visit,
I made sure she wouldn’t interfere
You know, some girls just can't keep their noses out.
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
It’s the same story time after time
Cause they ignored us
Simply abhorred us
It wasn’t murder no more a crime!
All: Sign, stay, sleep, uh-uh Snow White, so soft
Maleficent (Spoke): Now, I'm sitting on the grand throne
Alone in my grand and darkened tower,
Minding my own business,
In come my guardsman and he’s got news to tell.
"The king’s holding a christening," he says.
How exciting
But then he went on, "but you’ve not been invited."
So then I cast a little spell.
I cast a little spell to make them pay.."
All: If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Elsa (Spoke): It’s just not fair, is it? I’ve had these powers ever since the very day I was born
It’s not like I wanted them.
My parents told me - hide them far away. So I did
Now Hans says I tried to murder Anna.
My sister
I tried to explain it wasn’t true but nobody believed me...
Maleficent (Spoke):    Yeah, but did you do it?
Elsa: Uh Uh, not guilty!
Queen: I knew when I married the king he was a double act
‘Cause his daughter, Snow White, always hung around with us.
Now, my most prized possession of all, was my mirror and it’s to this I would ask
Mirror, mirror on the wall – who’s the fairest of us all?
Well, this one day I got up from my bed,
I’d had a good sleep it was a sunny day outside
And I went to my mirror to ask it the question.
What came back, I couldn’t believe
‘Cause there was an image of a young girl
But surprisingly it’s not me
It was Snow White.
Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely freaked out over such a little thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was standing with her heart in my hands
I even thought she was dead.
She had it coming
She had it coming
She had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
Queen: She had it coming
All: She had it coming
Queen: She had it coming
All: She had it coming
Queen: She had it coming
All: It’s the same story
Queen: All along
All: Time after time
Queen: I didn't do it
All: Cause they ignored us
Queen: But if I'd done it
All: Simply abhorred us
Queen: How could you tell me
All: It wasn’t murder
Queen: That I was wrong?
All: No more a crime!
Cruella: I loved clothes and fashion more than I can possibly say.
They made me feel reassured...
comfortable... and secure.
So I was always trying to find the best.
I thought I’d found the answer in a new coat but that involved
Collecting dogs – Dalmatians – little puppies - for their coats.
I guess you can say things went wrong because of a difference of opinion.
Some thought they were better alive
And I thought better dead.
All: Of all the luck, luck, luck, luck, luck
What rotten luck, luck, luck, luck, luck
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: All along
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: All along
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: 'Cause they ignored us
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: 'Cause they ignored us
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: Simply abhorred us
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: Simply abhorred us
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: And yet it’s us who
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: And yet it’s us who
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: Are in the wrong?
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: Are in the wrong?
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it coming
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it coming
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She only had herself to blame.
All: If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Ursula (Spoke): Just sign on that dotted line!
Tremaine (Spoke): Stay home? Yeah right.
Maleficent (Spoke): Left out!
Elsa (Spoke):  I never wanted these powers.
Queen (Spoke): Not the fairest one – now it’s Snow White.
Cruella (Spoke): Opinion differences.
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!

Poor Unfortunate Souls - !!!NEW!!!

Or as I have amended it - Simple Gullible Fools.
In case you can't tell, it's a mixture of Ursula's song from The Little Mermaid as it might have been if performed by Moriarty from the BBC series Sherlock.
This is another on the spot creation that I put together about an hour ago but I liked it so I thought I'd share it. Enjoy!

Poor Unfortunate Souls Simple Gullible Fools not by Ursula the Sea Witch

I admit that in the past I've been quite naughty

They weren't wrong to arrest me and start a trial

But you'll see that even so

To jail's not where I'll go

Despite all of the evidence you give
True? Yes

Cause I fortunately know a little secret
It's something that I have not long possessed
And it comes from way back when

Concealed within my den

I used to help out people in distress (pathetic)

Simple gullible fools

So vain, such greed
This one longing to be richer

That one wants to get away
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those simple gullible souls
So bad, so true
They come flocking to my website

Asking for Moriarty
And I help them!
Yes I do

Now you're in my way you see

And to keep you off of me
I'm afraid I've had to shop them and let them go
Yes it doesn't seem quite right

But then you will soon see the light

Like those simple gullible fools

---

People out there don't think a lot for themselves
They prefer to read the gossip found in print

Yes they won't want you around I'll run you into the ground

Why can't you understand a subtle hint

You think they'll believe any single thing that you say

When I'm finished they'll forget you exist

Sherlock don't you understand

They'll be eating from my hand

There is no way that you can get through this

Come on you simple gullible fool

Go ahead!
End your strife!
I'm a very busy bad guy and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your life!
You simple gullible fool

I win, you lose
If you want to save their lives, Sherlock

You've got the pay the price
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and take the dive

Once I've shot myself I've got you good

Cause Sherlock's gonna fall

I am the best after all!