Saturday 31 October 2020

Bessie - !!!NEW!!!

 Two historical parody songs in one month! I'm spoiling you!

Ruby Bessie not by Kaiser Chiefs

Sadly it must be said my marriage is dead
'Cause there's no little boy in the royal cot bed
If there’s one thing I need, it’s a son to succeed
But my dear queen it seems cannot give this to me

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie

We’ve been married so long back since fifteen oh nine
It all started so well thought that we would be fine
But now it’s looking bleak and I keep losing heart
I need to find something new maybe make a fresh start

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie

Could it be could it be that you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really all down to me
Could it be could it be that you're pregnant by me
And it’s not really over for me

Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do
Bessie Bessie Bessie Bessie
Will ya will ya will ya will ya
Do what I need you, need you to do

Monday 12 October 2020

I'm The One That You Want - !!!NEW!!!

Given how hard it is to write satirical parodies these days (seeing as real life is tending to exceed anything that comedians could come up with), I thought I'd revert to my previous historical parodies.

You're The One That I Want I'm The One That You Want not from Grease

My name’s Kat-
herine Howard
And so pure it would seem
Though new at court was not long until
I became the new queen!

I started so young
'Cause of just one man
So innocent – had no clue
I soon came undone
But that was his grand plan
Manox if he only knew
That I want
That I wanted someone new 

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

Ever since I 
Was a young girl
Men they all wanted me
They would woo and caress me
All the day

So then I moved on
I found a new man
Oh what a man
Who I treated as a spouse
But even Dereham
Has now been surpassed
Because at last
My destiny has now come
Now the queen
To his will I will succumb

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

I’m the one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, Henry
The one that you want
Oo-oo-oo, the one for you
You know it’s true

The one that you want!

Thursday 1 October 2020

From The Mind of Merc - Leadership

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about leadership.

According to the Center for Creative Leadership, the 10 characteristics of a Good Leader are: integrity, ability to delegate, communication, self-awareness, gratitude, learning agility, influence, empathy, courage, respect.

So how does our own leader, the inexorable Boris Johnson, stack up:

1) Integrity - Nope. He'll back whatever horse is winning
2) Ability to delegate - (as in facilitate teamwork rather than pass the buck so) Nope!

3) Communication - Nope. Incredible stutterer though.
4) Self-awareness - Ha! Nope.
5) Gratitude - Definitely not (clapforNHS does not count)
6) Learning agility - (
ability to know what to do when you don’t know what to do) Absolute fail!
7) Influence - (through logical or emotional appeals) Could have done - if he didn't ignore his own rules
8) Empathy - Given block of Grenfell recommendations and NHS pay rise, Nope!
9) Courage - More like cowardly lion. The man hid in a fridge to avoid an interview!
10) Respect - With comments like
piccaninnies and watermelon smiles, does he know what this means?

Don't agree with the list? How about Forbes - they define 8 Essential Qualities of Great Leadership as: sincere enthusiasm, integrity, great communication skills, loyalty, decisiveness, managerial competence, empowerment, charisma.

Let's break them down again:

1) Sincere enthusiasm - Again not convinced he knows what this means
2) Integrity - Nope.
3) Great communication skills - See above.
4) Loyalty - In this instance it means to employees etc. so Nope.
5) Decisiveness - Ha! He's U-Turn Central
6) Managerial competence - Ditto
7) Empowerment - Hell no. He wants it all.
8) Charisma - Again not a word I'm convinced he's familiar with

Still not trusting the source? How about the government's own website? An article on there says there are 11 key features of leadership. (Paraphrased) these are: understand how to have positive impact, be prepared to lead, win and retain respect, motivate and inspire others, clear sense of purpose and direction, good communicator, lead the delivery, manage your energy, build the right team around, trust your instinct, accept that we all make mistakes.

So one more time:

1.   Understand how to have positive impact - Nope!

2.   Be prepared to lead - Nope. Hid in a fridge.

3.   Win and retain respect - Nope.

4.   Motivate and inspire others - Definitely nope. Have you seen the number of anti-maskers out there?

5.   Clear sense of purpose and direction - Nope. U-turn Central.

6.   Good communicator - Nope again.

7.   Lead the delivery - More like avoid the blame.

8.   Manage your energy - Ok, this one he can do. He's very good at taking holidays - even illegal ones!

9.   Build the right team around you - If this means right for him, yes. If right for everyone else, nope!

10. Trust your instinct - Again, he can do this one. But given he fails the others, this is not good thing.

11. Accept that we all make mistakes - Nope. It's never his fault (apparently).

Webster's dictionary defines accountability as:

the quality or state of being accountable
especially an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions
I wonder if he, or indeed anyone in the Tory government, is aware of that.