From The Mind of Merc - Boris's Job Application

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the Tory leadership contest and, more specifically, the slightly unbelievable favourite.

It hardly seems credible that he could even be considered given his track record. I mean, what if it was like an actual job application, would he even get an interview? It was the thought of this that inspired me to write this sketch (slightly unusual for a Mind of Merc post but here we go):

Interviewer: So, Boris, thanks for coming in today

Boris Johnson: My pleasure.

Interviewer: I understand you’re applying for the post of ‘Prime Minister’, is this correct?

Boris Johnson: Of course it is. You’ll see from my CV that I have all the necessary credentials.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Yes. Well, let’s start with the first question. Could you give an example of a campaign you’ve led that’s been successful?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely – have you heard of a little thing called the Leave campaign? I think you’ll find that was incredibly successful. And I was one of the main leaders for it.

Interviewer: What input did you have?

Boris Johnson: Oh, I came up with some of the key elements to it. You remember that fab little line about the NHS getting £350 million? That was one of mine.

Interviewer: Which was a lie.

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And wasn’t that the campaign that was proven to have broken electoral law?

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And didn’t it bother you that you’d previously extolled the benefits of staying in the EU so you were basically contradicting yourself.

Boris Johnson: Of course not. A man’s allowed to change his mind, isn’t he?

Interviewer: And you still stand by your new stance, do you?

Boris Johnson: Oh yes. I think Brexit is going to be a “titanic success”.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Right. I think we should move on. Ahem. Could you give an example of a role you’ve held where you’ve benefitted those for who you were responsible?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely. As Mayor of London – a position I held from 2008 to 2016 – I oversaw many projects that were of great benefit to the residents of London.

Interviewer: Like?

Boris Johnson: I bought water cannons to improve security and heighten the citizens’ sense of safety.

Interviewer: These would be the water cannons that were never used.

Boris Johnson: Which just shows how effective they were.

Interviewer: And which you sold at a £300,000 loss.

Boris Johnson: Couldn’t be helped.

Interviewer: Are you sure about that?

Boris Johnson: Yes. Anyway – it wasn’t my money.

Interviewer: Yes. You don’t seem particularly concerned about other people’s money. Or lack of it. Wasn’t one of your moves as mayor to condemn social housing as being “not good for people” and also to decrease the amount of affordable housing?

Boris Johnson: That was for the greater good. After all if you can’t afford a house you shouldn’t have one. Common sense.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Ok. Ahem. Would you say you’re accepting of other races and cultures?

Boris Johnson: Oh, definitely. I was Foreign Secretary after all. And I know lots and lots of “picanninies”.

Interviewer: Picanninies?

Boris Johnson: Yes. You know – those people with the “watermelon smiles” who come from “that country” of Africa.

Interviewer: Country???

Boris Johnson: Yes. Although I have to say, I think they’d be doing a lot better if we were still in charge. And as for those Muslim women who “choose to go around looking like letterboxes”. I mean, you’d think they were out to rob a bank or something. It’s absolutely ridiculous!

Interviewer: (hurriedly trying to move the interview on) Er… what would you say are your biggest strengths and could you give an example?

Boris Johnson: Loyalty to a cause - I’m passionate about supporting the best course of action.

Interviewer: The best course of action for who?

Boris Johnson: …For whoever it needs to be at the time.

Interviewer: I see – and that would be why as a member of the Conservative party you both voted for and against Theresa May’s deal at different points and were one of the first people to apply for this role when it came available.

Boris Johnson: Oh, and I’ve also a good eye for opportunities.

Interviewer: Right. Finally, I see you’ve put down some interesting references.

Boris Johnson: Yes, including the President of the United States.

Interviewer: (interested). Oh. Which one?

Boris Johnson: Donald Trump.

Interviewer: Oh.

Boris Johnson: Yes, lovely chap. He’s very supportive. I’m his favourite to take the job and he’s even quoted as saying that I’m a good man.

Interviewer: I see. Well, that clinches it. I think there’s only one thing I can say to that, Mr. Johnson.

Boris Johnson: What’s that?

Interviewer: NEXT!