Friday 31 January 2014

From the Mind of Merc - Jack the Ripper's Diary

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today’s topic is the diary of 'Jack the Ripper'.


When I was at university, my final year dissertation was a psychoanalysis of a text which had been sensationalised as ‘The Diary of Jack the Ripper’. My project tutor advised me to refer to it in my report as the diary of James Maybrick - who was the purported author. Years later I am even more grateful for the advice as, after further consideration, I have come to the conclusion that - while I do believe that James Maybrick wrote the diary - I don’t believe that James Maybrick was Jack the Ripper.

There are some similarities between Maybrick and the Ripper which would explain his submission as a possible culprit. For example, he was known to keep a mistress in London – specifically in the Whitechapel area – who he visited on occasion whenever his business took him to London which means that he would have been familiar with the locality and its news and happenings.
Following his wife’s perceived betrayal after she indulged in an affair with a local businessman, Alfred Brierley, his behaviour is reported by those close to him to have displayed signs of intense indignation and outrage – possibly augmented by his steadily increasing dependence on arsenic which Maybrick had become addicted to following treatment for malaria. This could have led to an elevated sense of injustice, which could theoretically be a motive for the murders.
The final similarity comes from looking at certain examples from a collection of contemporary documents known as the ‘Letters from Hell’. When compared with the syntax and handwriting of the diary it becomes clear that some of them bear a striking resemblance particularly evident in the use of the phrase ‘ha ha’ which is often used in the diary. All of which suggests a link between Maybrick and the Ripper.

Yet none of these provides conclusive evidence that Maybrick was the culprit.
Firstly, he is hardly likely to have been alone in having business or a mistress in London and the fact that he did is hardly definitive proof that he was indeed the killer.  He is also unlikely to have been the only cuckold to seek a sense of retribution on his supposed offender and to have done so without choosing to exert this ire on random strangers. Also due to the volume of Letters from Hell received during the Ripper’s reign of terror it is clear that he was not the only perpetrator of these either.
There are also discrepancies between the diary and what is now known of the facts of the case such as recent discussion over the accuracy of including Liz Stride – the third canonical victim – in the list and the fact that the diary mentions two murders which are not linked with nor attributed to Jack the Ripper.
Also, it must considered that his abuse of the drug arsenic would have seriously impacted both his mental and physical capabilities eventually to the point where it would have to be questioned whether he would have been able to commit the crimes.

Instead, what I believe is that James Maybrick thought he was the Ripper and completed a diary to this end or in this disturbed state of mind. This would explain the similarity between the diary and some of the Letters from Hell as being sent by someone who believed or who had convinced themselves that they were the culprit (as in a False Confession) or even - out of a sense of misogyny from his perceived sense of betrayal - wanted to be the Ripper. This theory would also tie in nicely with other factors including explaining his possible mistakes regarding specific facts of the case and the debilitating effects of his continuing arsenic abuse which can include headaches, vomiting, stomach pains, convulsions and delirium or confusion which are, in fact, mentioned in the diary.

There is of course the issue of the diary itself to consider which has at various times since its discovery been either lauded as genuine or condemned as a hoax. There are many factors which supposedly support either side of the argument.
For example, those who detract the diary as a fake focus for the most part on the supposed questionable authenticity of the ink and the paper, which many believe are not contemporary with the killings or even with the Victorian period. This is, however, not entirely true as it has been subsequently proven that both were around at the time although perhaps not in as much abundance or as popularly or commonly used as other types of the same materials. However, this cannot consequently conclusively prove the diary to be a fake.
Another cause for concern is the missing pages at the front of the diary which appear to have been torn out and which doubters attribute to its forger removing previous ‘modern’ entries before creating the fake. However the missing pages do not prove this supposition, nor do they imply that Maybrick was not the author as they could just as easily be the actions of a disturbed individual who is seeking to eradicate his past (entries) as the effects of his drug abuse take hold or perhaps seeking to disassociate his current life from events of his past after the infidelity of his wife is revealed and his world – as he sees it – changes. It could also be said to fit with Maybrick’s gradual decline in health.
The final nail in the coffin of authenticity for the diary is supposedly that its finder - Michael Barrett - later retracted his affirmation that the diary was Jack the Ripper’s or even James Maybrick’s and ‘confessed’ to having created it himself. Aside from the issue of whether he was capable of doing such a thing, at the time of this statement the effects of the stress caused by being the focus of attention as owner and finder of such a remarkable and questionable diary had begun to take their toll on him and would eventually lead to his suffering a nervous breakdown. Any statement made under such conditions or in this state would have to be viewed as questionable and consequently do not disprove the diary’s identity or make his original statement any less plausible.
He was also alone in making the retraction as his wife continued to uphold the claim as to its identity and Barrett would himself at a later date retract his repudiation of the diary.

In support of the authenticity of the diary you have the fact that, unlike what is commonly believed, the ink and paper used were contemporary for the time – which disproves any doubts based on this fact.
Also, if one were to make a fake, why would one choose Maybrick as the focus of the diary? Maybrick was an insignificant Liverpudlian businessman with no previous link to Jack the Ripper or the Whitechapel murders and is surely not the most obvious target for a fake. Other more notorious or notable suspects could just as easily have been selected - such as Montague John Druitt or Frances Tumblety - so why pick Maybrick unless of course he wasn’t chosen to be the author but was in fact the actual author.
Finally, there are the previously mentioned similarities between the syntax and handwriting in the diary and certain samples of the letters from Hell. All of which to me suggests that the diary is a genuine Victorian artefact and that Maybrick is correctly credited as its author.

However, as I say I believe the diary is Maybrick’s but not the Ripper’s as, personally, when looking for the true culprit in the Jack the Ripper crimes, I think more attention should be paid to the artefact which is referred to as the Lusk letter. This letter was sent to the head of the Whitechapel Vigilance Committee, George Lusk, and was famously accompanied a piece of human kidney which supposedly belonged to Catherine Eddowes - the Ripper’s fourth victim.
Analysis of the kidney showed that its owner had suffered from Bright’s Disease - which Catherine Eddowes was known to have had – and, in addition to this, the length of renal artery still attached to the kidney matched the length that was missing from Catherine Eddowes’ body. This for me provides conclusive proof that the kidney was indeed hers and consequently implies that the sender must have been the killer.
Also, as the syntax and the handwriting of the letter do not match either the diary or the letters containing the phrase ‘ha ha’, I think this shows that James Maybrick did not write them and consequently cannot have been the killer.

Sadly, without the possibility of handwriting comparison with the Lusk letter and that of possible suspects, and with so many facts and evidence concealed or lost in the mists of time, it is unlikely that the real identity of Jack the Ripper will ever be established or comprehensively proven. But maybe by eliminating false suspects we can take a step closer to a possible conclusion.

Friday 24 January 2014

It's the Goons - !!!NEW!!!

For today's entry I decided to move away from my familiar subject of Cabin Pressure and instead focus on the other wonderful radio comedy that is the legendary Goon Show as written by the inimitable Spike Milligna - the world famous typing error!
(Thanks to Cole Porter for his tune 'Be A Clown')

I'll remember forever when I was but wee
Papa, who was clever, remarking to me
If,child, you want to know just what that sound is
It’s one of the very best sounds you’ll find in showbiz

It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons
All the world loves the Goons
They’re such fools, they’re such saps
Your hands hurt from how much you clap

Milligan and Sellers
And Secombe the three great fellers
There are some who don’t like it, because it doesn’t end
There are some who can’t stand it, it sends them round the bend
But I don’t mind what they think because radio’s my friend
It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons, it’s the Goons

It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons
All the world loves the Goons
Grytpype’s tricks, Eccles jokes
Don’t want them to say Goodnight folks

At the heart of their japes
Hear how Neddie gets into scrapes
‘Cause Grytpype-Thynne wants money but his rent’s in arrears
With Moriarty’s help they’ll soon invoke Neddie’s fears
And they’ll make you laugh so much that your eyes stream with tears
It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons, it’s the Goons

It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons
All the world loves the Goons
Hear Eccles say ‘Allo
And you’ll never want them to go

It’s bizarre yet so good
And it’s sure to lighten your mood
A college education most of them never had
But that’s much better than Eccles did and his old dad
They’re not the brightest of sparks but we know of that we’re glad
It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons, it’s the Goons

Bloodnok sounds in such pain
And Bluebottle’s been deaded again
If you can’t get the wood then just talk to Henery Crun
But if Minnie brings out her pet cat you’d better run
With every episode you’ve never had so much fun
It’s the Goons, it’s the Goons, it’s the Goons

Monday 20 January 2014

Hey Hey We're The Normans - Horrific Histories

Horrible Histories has actually done a song about the Normans and a song using the Monkees song but I decided to mix the two together. This is the result:

Hey Hey We're The Monkees Normans not by The Monkees
Here we come,
Sailing cross the sea.
We’re gonna conquer England and
We’re from Normandy.
Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

We go wherever we want to,
do what we like to do
We’ve always time to get restless,
Or start something new.

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.
We don’t want to be friendly,
And don’t have time to rest or play,
We're the new generation,
And you won’t keep us at bay.

Senlac Hill, you call it Hastings,
We fought your ruler Harold
And guess who’s now the king

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

[break]

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

We don’t want to be friendly,
And don’t have time to rest or play,
We're the new generation,
And you won’t keep us at bay.

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
Hey, hey, we're the Normans
[repeat and fade]

Thursday 16 January 2014

Murder tent sketch - Mercorabilia

Wow - January's flying by. Almost too quick for me to put up another Mercorabilia sketch.
This one is inspired by the familiar two-handed sketches of the Two Ronnies but directed towards the less comical setting of murder mysteries. Hopefully, the investigating officer never has to deal with subordinates like these:


(Police officer stood around a two man camping tent with signs of blood spatter on the inside. Police inspector enters and goes over to them)
Inspector: So what have we got here? (looks inside) Hmm – pretty nasty. Right! (turns to officers – as he gives instructions they start to filter away) Get SOCO to do a sweep of this entire area. Start taking witness statements – see if any passers by saw anything and we’ll need to set up the murder tent.
Constable: But it’s in a tent
Inspector: Yes I know it’s a tent but it’s a murder so we need to set up the murder tent
Constable: But if this where the murder happened, isn’t this the murder tent?
Inspector: Are you trying to be funny?
Constable: No, Serge. Just trying to understand your instructions.
Inspector: What’s there to understand? It’s very simple – there’s been a murder, we need a murder tent
Constable: But it is a murder tent
Inspector: No – it’s the scene of crime. Just because the crime happened to take place in a tent does not mean we can overlook standard protocol. And standard protocol instructs us to set up a murder tent.
Constable: But it is a tent.
Inspector: Oh for pity’s sake! Wilson!
PC Wilson: Yes, Serge?
Inspector: Have the boys set up a murder tent around the body, will you?
PC Wilson: But it’s in a tent, serge.
Inspector: Oh for the love of -!”

Tuesday 7 January 2014

Dumbed down menu sketch - Mercorabilia


I don’t know about you but when I go into certain restaurants sometimes I just don’t understand what’s going on with some of the menus and the phrases they come out with to describe their meals. So what if there was someone who enjoyed simplifying all the confusing jargon – either for his fellow diners or for his own self-satisfaction.
I will admit that I had been listening to a lot of Cabin Pressure at the time that I wrote this sketch and some of the personalities may have rubbed off on it.

Marvin: You didn’t have to come, Dougal.
Dougal: Oh, come now – don’t be like that. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I’ve been rather looking forward to this. Their chateaubriand is excellent.
Arnold: What’s that?
Dougal: What’s what?
Arnold: Chateaublahblah.
Dougal: Briand. It’s a thick cut from the more flavourful but less tender sirloin created by the personal chef of Napoleon Bonaparte’s ambassadors. And when prepared properly, it can be among the most flavourful and tender cuts, second only to filet mignon.
Arnold: Right. In future – it’s fine to say you don’t know.
Dougal: But I do! That’s what chateaubriand is!
Waiter: (French accent) Good day, gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today. Have you seen anything that, er, tickles your pallette?
Dougal: Yes. As a matter of fact we were just getting to grips with the chateaubriand.
Waiter: Excellent. Well, our other plats du jour today include Filet Mignon, Cassoulet and our Specialite de la Maison is Salisbury Steak.
Dougal: Mmm. You know you could have just said beef steak, casserole, and beefburger in gravy
Waiter: Well, I could have done but I felt that kind of spoils the atmosphere and besides that’s hardly the experience you’re paying for.
Dougal: It’s the food we’re paying for that I’m more concerned about.
Marvin: (hissed) Dougal!
Waiter: So for dessert we have crème brulee, petites madeleines, beignets and syllabub.
Dougal: Or to put it another way burnt cream, small sponge cakes, fritters and cream with alcohol in it
Waiter: Er…yes. And for hors d’oeuvres…
Dougal: Starters.
Waiter: We have sashimi…
Dougal: Raw fish.
Arnold: Ugh.
Waiter: Escargots…
Dougal: Snails.
Arnold: Urgh.
Waiter: Or Foie gras…
Dougal: Aaand goose liver.
Arnold: Urrgh!
Waiter: (starting calm and then getting irate) Excuse me, sir, but would you be trying to tell me how to do my job
Dougal: Certainly not – that would be the height of iniquity.
Arnold: Ini-what?
Waiter: Bon. Well, if that is all, gentlemen. I’ll give you a bit more time to mull over your choices and I’ll be back shortly to take your order.
Marvin: Dougal – why did you have to do that?
Dougal: How could one not?
Customer 1: Excuse me – I couldn’t help overhearing – I thought that was wonderful. So much nicer to hear the menu in a language everyone can understand.
Dougal: Why, thank you, madam. It is so nice to be appreciated by one’s peers. And after all if the establishment can’t…cater to the needs of its clientele…
Manager: Excuse me, gentlemen. My name is Alan Akin. I am the manager of the restaurant.
Marvin: Oh, God.
Manager: I understand you have been providing…er…assistance to your fellow diners today.
Dougal: Well – one tries.
Manager: Yes. My head waiter informed me that you were very trying indeed. Well, I have an idea I’d like to put to you. If you’d be so kind as to step this way. (fade out)
Waiter: Good day, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today.
Dougal: (pause and sigh) My name is Dougal – I’ll be your…translator today.
Waiter: So our specials today are coq au vin.
Dougal: Chicken stew.
Waiter: Beef bourgignon.
Dougal: Beef stew.
Waiter: Bouillabaisse.
Dougal: Fish stew.
Waiter: Ratatouille.
Dougal: Vegetable stew.
Waiter: Goulash.
Dougal: Hungarian stew.
Waiter: And beef stroganoff.
Dougal: Russian beef stew.
Customer 2: Well, I think that’s wonderful. But I’m afraid there’s one thing puzzling me.
Waiter: And what is that, madam?
Customer 2: Why don’t you just include photos of the food in the menu?

Saturday 4 January 2014

I'm A Survivor - Horrific Histories

I wasn't quite sure which collection to put this under but I eventually went for Horrific Histories even though it is a recently penned creation.
In this entry, Catherine Parr gets her own parody song which could have been written for her even without the alterations. 

I'm A Survivor by Destiny's Child Catherine Parr
Said you want me for your wife, but I know better
I’m just like all of the others, want to live longer
You said that you loved Cath of Ar’gon, but you left her
You said that you wanted Anne Boleyn, but you killed her
You said you would stay with Jane Seymour, but she died young
Thought that you fell for Anna of Cleves, didn’t last long
You said you lusted for Cath Howard, found a cure

Now think you couldn't live without me, what’s my future?

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

Yes I was born in 1512, eldest daughter
My father died when I was just five, had but two peers
Married first to Sir Edward Burgh when, aged seventeen
Didn’t know he would die soon after, within four years
Then married John Neville next year, nobility
After treacherous times he, died in four-three
Fell in love with another, Thomas Seymour
But then you wanted me, I am your new amour

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm sayin’ you’re the best (The best)
Pray that we are blessed (Whoowhoo)
Hope for success, no stress, and lots of happiness (I'm so good like that)
I'm gon' to serve you just like a wife should (I'm so good like that)
I'm gon’ take care of you and your family (I'm so good like that)
I'm gon' to be dutiful when you’re away (I’m so good like that)
I'm gon' to stay true to my Christianity (I'm so good like that)
You know I'm not gon' argue you with your intellect
'Cause I know that’s how I will lose my head

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

Divorced (Oh)
Beheaded (Oh)
Died (Oh)
Divorced (Oh)
Beheaded (Oh)
Alive (Ohh)
What’s next? (Ohh)
Survived?

After all of the darkness and sadness
Could come happiness
I will obtain myself a fourth wedding ring
And gain serenity

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm a survivor
Can’t afford ‘give up
I reached the top
Now got’ work harder
I'm a survivor
Just wanna make it
Want to survive
Keep on survivin'

Wednesday 1 January 2014

Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime - Newsreview

Start of the New Year and normal service is resumed. However, the submissions won't be as regular as last year as it will depend on when I have the inspiration (or time) to create something new and I have few creations left in reserve. But for now...

Today's entry I dug out from my Newsrevue selection. It was penned shortly after news that the previous Pope (Benedict XIX) was signing up for Twitter. I've dusted it off a bit by modifying it to match the current incumbent Pope Francis.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime not from Mary Poppins 
It's Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Yes the Pope Francis the first can now be found online and
He's signing on to Twitter, search pontifex and you will find
(It's) Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Because he wants to help more people with all his speeches
He's taken to the internet (to) see how far it reaches
He'll clear the air and find a way to say just what he means
Religion meeting science just like you have never seen:

It's Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Yes the Pope Francis the first is shortly coming online
He's signing on to Twitter, search pontifex and you will find
(It's) Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

He travels all around the world he’s such a busy gent,
But there’s now a way to find out just when and where he went
And if you want or have a need to ask him a question,
Just post your query on his feed - he’ll check it later on,

(It's) Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Yes the Pope Francis the first is shortly coming online
He's signing on to Twitter, search pontifex and you will find
(It's) Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
You know you can spell it backwards which is emit-gnikrowten-laicos-noitcennoc-tenretni-lapap but that’s going a bit too far don’t you think? (Indubitably)

So when you don't know what to do or where to go in life
There's now a place to solve your woes and to end all your strife
But don't forget the Pope does not support another choice
For example (Yes?) If you are not a Catholic, consult some other voice
(Oh what a lovely thing for him to do)

It's Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime
Papalinternetconnectionsocialnetworkingtime!