I don’t know about you but when I go into certain restaurants sometimes I just don’t understand what’s going on with some of the menus and the phrases they come out with to describe their meals. So what if there was someone who enjoyed simplifying all the confusing jargon – either for his fellow diners or for his own self-satisfaction.
I will admit that I had been listening to a lot of Cabin Pressure at the time that I wrote this sketch and some of the personalities may have rubbed off on it.
Marvin: You didn’t have to come, Dougal.
Dougal: Oh, come now – don’t be like that. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I’ve been rather looking forward to this. Their chateaubriand is excellent.
Arnold: What’s that?
Dougal: What’s what?
Arnold: Chateaublahblah.
Dougal: Briand. It’s a thick cut from the more flavourful but less tender sirloin created by the personal chef of Napoleon Bonaparte’s ambassadors. And when prepared properly, it can be among the most flavourful and tender cuts, second only to filet mignon.
Arnold: Right. In future – it’s fine to say you don’t know.
Dougal: But I do! That’s what chateaubriand is!
Waiter: (French accent) Good day, gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today. Have you seen anything that, er, tickles your pallette?
Dougal: Yes. As a matter of fact we were just getting to grips with the chateaubriand.
Waiter: Excellent. Well, our other plats du jour today include Filet Mignon, Cassoulet and our Specialite de la Maison is Salisbury Steak.
Dougal: Mmm. You know you could have just said beef steak, casserole, and beefburger in gravy
Waiter: Well, I could have done but I felt that kind of spoils the atmosphere and besides that’s hardly the experience you’re paying for.
Dougal: It’s the food we’re paying for that I’m more concerned about.
Marvin: (hissed) Dougal!
Waiter: So for dessert we have crème brulee, petites madeleines, beignets and syllabub.
Dougal: Or to put it another way burnt cream, small sponge cakes, fritters and cream with alcohol in it
Waiter: Er…yes. And for hors d’oeuvres…
Dougal: Starters.
Waiter: We have sashimi…
Dougal: Raw fish.
Arnold: Ugh.
Waiter: Escargots…
Dougal: Snails.
Arnold: Urgh.
Waiter: Or Foie gras…
Dougal: Aaand goose liver.
Arnold: Urrgh!
Waiter: (starting calm and then getting irate) Excuse me, sir, but would you be trying to tell me how to do my job
Dougal: Certainly not – that would be the height of iniquity.
Arnold: Ini-what?
Waiter: Bon. Well, if that is all, gentlemen. I’ll give you a bit more time to mull over your choices and I’ll be back shortly to take your order.
Marvin: Dougal – why did you have to do that?
Dougal: How could one not?
Customer 1: Excuse me – I couldn’t help overhearing – I thought that was wonderful. So much nicer to hear the menu in a language everyone can understand.
Dougal: Why, thank you, madam. It is so nice to be appreciated by one’s peers. And after all if the establishment can’t…cater to the needs of its clientele…
Manager: Excuse me, gentlemen. My name is Alan Akin. I am the manager of the restaurant.
Marvin: Oh, God.
Manager: I understand you have been providing…er…assistance to your fellow diners today.
Dougal: Well – one tries.
Manager: Yes. My head waiter informed me that you were very trying indeed. Well, I have an idea I’d like to put to you. If you’d be so kind as to step this way. (fade out)
Waiter: Good day, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today.
Dougal: (pause and sigh) My name is Dougal – I’ll be your…translator today.
Waiter: So our specials today are coq au vin.
Dougal: Chicken stew.
Waiter: Beef bourgignon.
Dougal: Beef stew.
Waiter: Bouillabaisse.
Dougal: Fish stew.
Waiter: Ratatouille.
Dougal: Vegetable stew.
Waiter: Goulash.
Dougal: Hungarian stew.
Waiter: And beef stroganoff.
Dougal: Russian beef stew.
Customer 2: Well, I think that’s wonderful. But I’m afraid there’s one thing puzzling me.
Waiter: And what is that, madam?
Customer 2: Why don’t you just include photos of the food in the menu?
I will admit that I had been listening to a lot of Cabin Pressure at the time that I wrote this sketch and some of the personalities may have rubbed off on it.
Marvin: You didn’t have to come, Dougal.
Dougal: Oh, come now – don’t be like that. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I’ve been rather looking forward to this. Their chateaubriand is excellent.
Arnold: What’s that?
Dougal: What’s what?
Arnold: Chateaublahblah.
Dougal: Briand. It’s a thick cut from the more flavourful but less tender sirloin created by the personal chef of Napoleon Bonaparte’s ambassadors. And when prepared properly, it can be among the most flavourful and tender cuts, second only to filet mignon.
Arnold: Right. In future – it’s fine to say you don’t know.
Dougal: But I do! That’s what chateaubriand is!
Waiter: (French accent) Good day, gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today. Have you seen anything that, er, tickles your pallette?
Dougal: Yes. As a matter of fact we were just getting to grips with the chateaubriand.
Waiter: Excellent. Well, our other plats du jour today include Filet Mignon, Cassoulet and our Specialite de la Maison is Salisbury Steak.
Dougal: Mmm. You know you could have just said beef steak, casserole, and beefburger in gravy
Waiter: Well, I could have done but I felt that kind of spoils the atmosphere and besides that’s hardly the experience you’re paying for.
Dougal: It’s the food we’re paying for that I’m more concerned about.
Marvin: (hissed) Dougal!
Waiter: So for dessert we have crème brulee, petites madeleines, beignets and syllabub.
Dougal: Or to put it another way burnt cream, small sponge cakes, fritters and cream with alcohol in it
Waiter: Er…yes. And for hors d’oeuvres…
Dougal: Starters.
Waiter: We have sashimi…
Dougal: Raw fish.
Arnold: Ugh.
Waiter: Escargots…
Dougal: Snails.
Arnold: Urgh.
Waiter: Or Foie gras…
Dougal: Aaand goose liver.
Arnold: Urrgh!
Waiter: (starting calm and then getting irate) Excuse me, sir, but would you be trying to tell me how to do my job
Dougal: Certainly not – that would be the height of iniquity.
Arnold: Ini-what?
Waiter: Bon. Well, if that is all, gentlemen. I’ll give you a bit more time to mull over your choices and I’ll be back shortly to take your order.
Marvin: Dougal – why did you have to do that?
Dougal: How could one not?
Customer 1: Excuse me – I couldn’t help overhearing – I thought that was wonderful. So much nicer to hear the menu in a language everyone can understand.
Dougal: Why, thank you, madam. It is so nice to be appreciated by one’s peers. And after all if the establishment can’t…cater to the needs of its clientele…
Manager: Excuse me, gentlemen. My name is Alan Akin. I am the manager of the restaurant.
Marvin: Oh, God.
Manager: I understand you have been providing…er…assistance to your fellow diners today.
Dougal: Well – one tries.
Manager: Yes. My head waiter informed me that you were very trying indeed. Well, I have an idea I’d like to put to you. If you’d be so kind as to step this way. (fade out)
Waiter: Good day, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Yves – I’ll be your waiter today.
Dougal: (pause and sigh) My name is Dougal – I’ll be your…translator today.
Waiter: So our specials today are coq au vin.
Dougal: Chicken stew.
Waiter: Beef bourgignon.
Dougal: Beef stew.
Waiter: Bouillabaisse.
Dougal: Fish stew.
Waiter: Ratatouille.
Dougal: Vegetable stew.
Waiter: Goulash.
Dougal: Hungarian stew.
Waiter: And beef stroganoff.
Dougal: Russian beef stew.
Customer 2: Well, I think that’s wonderful. But I’m afraid there’s one thing puzzling me.
Waiter: And what is that, madam?
Customer 2: Why don’t you just include photos of the food in the menu?
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