Shower sketch - Mercorabilia

Oh what the heck - have another:

<tense music plays>
A: Right. I’m almost there. Maybe if it turn the dial just slightly to the right.
<sound of a blast of water>
A: Argh! No – too far! Maybe a bit to the left.
<sound of a blast of water>
A: Argh! Too cold! Too cold!
<sound of knocking on door>
B: (Off) What on earth are you doing in there?
A: I’m just trying to get the temperature right on this shower.
B: (Off) But you’ve been in there an hour and a half!
A: I know. But if a job’s worth doing...
B: (Off) There are other people who want to use the bathroom
A: I won’t be much longer.
B: (Off) You said that half an hour ago.
A: Well, it’s delicate work this.
B: (Off) If you have so much trouble with the shower, why not just have a sink wash?
A: I like the shower
B: (Off) So do I. but I can never get in there.
A: You’ll just have to wait your turn.
B: (Off) Wait my…! Right!
<sound of door opening>
A: What are you doing?
B: Are you coming out or not?
A: Not.
B: Don’t make me use the flush.
A: You wouldn’t dare!
<sound of toilet flushing>
A: Argh! Alright - I’m out! I’m out!
<background sound of shower ends>
B: At last! Close the door on your way out.
<sound of closing door>
B: Now then – time for a nice shower.
<sound of shower turning on>
B: Hmm. Maybe a bit warmer.
<sound of a blast of water>
B: Ooh – too hot! Maybe a bit colder.
<sound of a blast of water>
B: Hmm – too cold. This is obviously going to take a while.

Toaster sketch - Mercorabilia

So my laptop broke a few weeks ago. Luckily its replacement has now arrived. So... have a sketch!

General: My lords and… other lords. I, the General of Electric, present to you my latest and, dare I say, greatest invention. Behold <flourish as a cloth covering is removed> a toaster!

<sounds of oohs and aahs>

Scientist A: It’s beautiful!

Scientist B: It’s wonderful!

Scientist A: How does it work?

General: It’s quite simple. The plain untoasted bread is inserted into either of the TWO purpose-built slots on the top here.  I push this lever which lowers the bread into the bowels of the machine. After an indeterminate length of time, there is a ping! sound and the prepared toast emerges back up through the slot. And it is thus that I intend the process of making toast will become fully automated!

Scientist C: Are you sure?

General: What?
Scientist C: Are you sure it’ll be automated? You don’t think the person operating the toaster will be compelled to hover around the toaster to keep an eye on it while it works - just to be on the safe side?

General: No! They won’t! It’ll be absolutely fine!

Scientist C: So how long does it take?

General: Ah. Now - the machine is fitted with 6 time settings numbered 1 to 6 on the dial on the side here.

Scientist C: And these represent the minutes for toasting?

General: <laughs> Of course not! They denote how well you want your toast done.

Scientist C: I see.

General: 1 is for those who enjoy warm bread. 2 is for charcoal. 3 is for ash. 4 is for lightly darker ash…

Scientist C: Excuse me – ash? Who would want ash?

General: Loads of people. Now, as I was saying…

Scientist C: But isn’t there a setting for just nicely done toast? Something between 1 and 2?

General: But that would be 1.5! You can’t have a half measure – that’s ridiculous!

Scientist C: Is it?

General: Of course!

Scientist C: Oh. Well, I’m sorry, General, but I’m afraid I’ll be sticking with more traditional methods.

General: Such as?

Scientist C: Release the flaming arrow!

<sound of an arrow being loosed and striking its target followed by the sound of singeing>

Scientist C: Ah – lovely.

From The Mind of Merc - Motivation

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about motivation – specifically relating to the UK government (twice in as many months but can you blame me).

I'm not the best artist so have resorted to clipart and paint once again to create the analogy that occurred to me

Confucius sketch - Mercorabilia

I was fortunate enough to catch another of John Finnemore's Flying Visits last week and, whenever I'm that fortunate, it always proves rather inspirational. I therefore present my latest sketch investigating the origins of some very wise words:

<sound of buzzing>

Bystander: Blasted mosquito! It just won’t leave me alone. I wonder what it would take to get rid of it.

Confucius: Ah – this is most fortunate. I have been wanting to examine this very conundrum myself.

Bystander: Have you?

Confucius: Indeed so. If you will allow me, I will proceed with my experiments. First we try the hand.

<sound of swiping. buzzing sound continues>

Confucius: Hmm. Ineffectual. Next we move on to the flyswat.

<sound of swatting. buzzing sound continues>

Confucius: Nothing. Hmm. Let us try something else. Would you pass me that newspaper.

<rustling sound of a newspaper being handed over>

Confucius: Now then.

<sounds of swooshing then a thwack>

Bystander: Ow!

Confucius: Sorry.

<buzzing continues>

Confucius: It is a most persistent creature. There’s nothing for it. We’ll have to bring out the big guns.

Bystander: And what does that involve?

Confucius: This.

<rumbling sounds>

Bystander: A cannon? Isn’t that a bit much?

Confucius: We shall soon see. Fire!

<sound of a cannon being fired followed by exploding and collapsing rubble. buzzing stops>

Confucius: Success! I have defeated it.

Bystander: Yes, but you’ve also ‘defeated’ that house. Look - you’ve blown a massive great chunk out of the wall. Who knows what the owners going to think of that!

Confucius: Hmm. Very interesting. I must document this.

<sound of quill scratching on parchment>

Confucius: Confucius say “Never use cannon to kill mosquito”

Guess Who sketch - Mercorabilia

Partly inspired by John Finnemore and his (seemingly) favourite game – as it makes a regular appearance at his shows – and by my trip yesterday to catch his Flying Visit to Nottingham, I present this:

Fred: Now then… I’ve considered all the evidence carefully, and I believe the man I’m looking for… has… a beard!

Joe: Nope.

Fred: Damn!

<sound of Guess Who tiles being put down>

Fred: This is a rotten game.

Joe: You’re just a sore loser.

Fred: Can you blame me?

Joe: Can I blame you for being a sore loser? Yes – absolutely!

Fred: Well, I mean look at it. You’ve only got 4 possibles left. I’ve got half the board. I knew I didn’t stand a chance when I picked a woman card.

Fred: Anyway, it’s your go.

Joe: Right. I reckon the person I’m looking for has… large earrings.

Fred: <after a pause> Maybe.

Joe: What do you mean maybe? They either do or they don’t.

Fred: Well… they might.

Joe: Oh, you’re such a sore loser!

Fred: I am not! I wish you’d stop saying that!

Joe: Well, it’s true. Do they have large earrings or not?

Fred: Alright yes.

Joe: Thank you.

<sound of Guess Who tiles being put down>

Fred: Stupid game.

Joe: Stop being a sore loser – it’s your go.

Fred: Hmph. Let’s see. Whoops!

<sound of Guess Who boards rattling>

Joe: Hey!

Fred: Oh dear me.

Joe: You did that on purpose!

Fred: I did not!

Joe: You did! You’re such a sore loser. There was no need for you to shove the board like that.

Fred: I am not! And I had to grab the board – otherwise I would have lost my balance.

Joe: But it’s completely thrown off the game – we don’t know which ones were up and which were down now. We’ll have to start all over again.

Fred: No – let’s not. It’s a stupid game anyway. How about I Spy instead?

Joe: Alright. I spy with my little eye something beginning with S-L.

Fred: S-L. Hmm. S-L… Hang on – it’s Sore Loser, isn’t it?

Joe: There you are – you actually won something!

From The Mind of Merc - Decision Making

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about decision making – specifically those related to the UK government.

I used to think that maybe this was how it works:

But I’m not starting to think it’s like this:

How on earth did we go from the term ‘Prime Minister’ being an insult (Robert Walpole – the first person to technically hold the position from 1721-1742 – objected strongly to being described thus)

to the Prime Minister himself being an insult – referring to black people as ‘picanninies’ with ‘watermelon smiles’ #notmypm

I mean, come on:

Maybe overall it’s a case of:

And until then the best of British to all!

The Point of No Return - !!!NEW!!!

And secondly, a parody of a classic with a topical twist:

The Point of No Return not by Andrew Lloyd Webber
We are now here
At the end of all our lifelines
In pursuit of ease and comfort we sought and now look
Now look
We are now here
And our hopes are now far behind
If we have only been prepared to try
Dropped all the pretence, committed ourselves to try
Now we are here without a solution
We have arrived, we’ve arrived

Past the point of no return
Don’t want to be here 
All we could have done, it’s just too bad
Past the chance to make it right
No use re(mi)niscing
We threw away every chance we had 
What might have been if we’d done more?
What could have been achieved before
When sweet salvation lay before us?

Past the point of no return
The final countdown
What could be done when we’d the chance to learn
Before the point of no return?

We are now here
At that point at which it’s too late
At that point at which all we can do is stand and look
Just look
We are now here
(Al)ready knowing that it’s our fate
In our hearts we had always imagined we’d find a way out and escape from this nightmare
But now we are here without a solution
We have arrived, we’ve arrived

Past the point of no return
No second chances
Our fate is what we brought onto ourselves
Past the chance to right the wrong
If we’d just listened
Could we have avoided what we now face?
Why did we not notice the
Last of our hopes begin to fade?
Why did we let our greed consume us?

Past the point of no return
The final countdown
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn

We've passed the point of no return

The Ex-Kniggit Sketch - Mercorabilia

As I'm running out of month you're getting 2 for the price of 1.

First off, a sketch which given my hobby as a medieval re-enactor was pretty much inevitable

(A noble approaches a castle.)
Sir Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Baron does not respond.)
Sir Praline: Oi, you coward!
Baron: Who you calling Howard?
Sir Praline: (choosing not to correct him) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Baron: Sorry, we're closed.
Sir Praline: Never mind that, my lord. I wish to complain about this knight what I purchased not half a year ago from this very castle.
Baron: Oh yes, the, uh, the John de Grey... What's, uh...What's wrong with ‘im?
Sir Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with ‘im, my lord. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
Baron: No, no, 'e's uh... he's resting.
Sir Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead knight when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Baron: No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable lad, the John de Grey, innit, eh? Excellent lineage!
Sir Praline: The lineage don't enter into it. He’s stone dead.
Baron: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!
Sir Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the helmet) 'Ello, Mister Jolly Kniggit! I've got a lovely fresh goblet of mead for you if you show...
(Baron hits the armour)
Baron: There, he moved!
Sir Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the helmet!
Baron: I never!!
Sir Praline: Yes, you did!
Baron: I never, never did anything...
Sir Praline: (yelling and hitting the knight repeatedly) 'ELLO KNIGHTY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Bashes the knight about the helmet a couple of times, lifts him up and down a couple of times then lets him go and watches him collapse to the floor.)
Sir Praline: Now that's what I call a dead kniggit.
Baron: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Sir Praline: STUNNED?!?
Baron: Yeah! You stunned ‘im, just as ‘e was wakin' up! John De Greys stun easily.
Sir Praline: Now look, sire, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That knight is definitely deceased, and when I purchased ‘im not 'alf an year ago, you assured me that ‘is total lack of movement was due to ‘im bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged siege.
Baron: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably psyching himself up for battle.
Sir Praline: PSYCHING UP for BATTLE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did ‘e fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im to the Holy Land?
Baron: The John De Grey prefers kippin' on ‘is back! Remarkable bloke, in’e, sire? Great lineage!
Sir Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that knight when I got ‘im there, and I discovered the only reason that ‘e had been standing up in ‘is armour in the first place was that he had gone stiff.
Baron: Well, o'course ‘e’s gone stiff! But listen once all that wears off, ‘e’ll grab his sword out of his scabbard, head straight for the nearest Saracen, and POW! 
Sir Praline: "POW"?!? Mate, this bloke wouldn't "pow" if you sent four million concubines at ‘im! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Baron: No no! 'E's preparing!
Sir Praline: 'E's not preparin’! 'E's passed on! This knight is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a corpse! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If ‘e hadn't gone stiff in his armour 'e'd be clogging up the scrap heap! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's ‘opped the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-KNIGGIT!!
(pause)
Baron: Well, I'd better replace ‘im, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry sire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of knights.
Sir Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Baron: (pause) I got a squire.
(pause)
Sir Praline: Pray, does it fight?
Baron: Yup.
Sir Praline: Right – I’ll ‘ave that one then.

From The Mind of Merc - Comebacks

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about some of the best comebacks in the world which, perhaps unsurprisingly, have come from women. Comebacks such as when Muhammed Ali was travelling on an aeroplane, he was asked to fasten his seatbelt.

His response: "Superman didn’t need no seatbelt."

The airhostess’s reply: "Superman didn’t need no airplane either."

Or when Noel Coward commented on Edna Ferber’s choice of clothing by saying "You look almost like a man", Edna Ferber replied "So do you."

Not even women are safe from female retorts. For example, when Miriam Hopkins encountered a wannabe starlet and was told "Did you know I’ve insured my voice for a thousand dollars." Hopkins response was "That’s wonderful. What did you spend the money on?"

Ilke Chase experienced a similar situation when an actress approached her and said "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?" An unphased Ilke retorted "Darling, I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it for you?"

And there is, of course, the infamous encounter when Clare Booth Luce moved aside from a doorway to allow Dorothy Parker to go through first and remarked "Age before beauty." To which Dorothy Parker immortally replied "Pearls before swine."

When it comes to comebacks, Dorothy Parker is probably the queen of them all.

For example, on being told Coolidge had died, she remarked "How could they tell?"

After being interrupted on her honeymoon by a query as to why her book review was late she said "I’m too fucking busy, and vice versa."

Talk about Burn!

The wit displayed in these few simple sentences demonstrates how women can be (and are) incredibly funny, intelligent, talented, and capable of contributing so much but for some reason throughout history they have been oppressed, ignored, betrayed and lied to just so men can come out ‘on top’

I personally think it speaks volumes when the word ‘feminism’ doesn’t mean the rise of women to the subjugation of men but instead equality of the sexes (if you don’t believe me – after all, I am a woman – may I humbly suggest you look it up).

Feminism is an incredibly simple idea but a vitally important one for two crucial reasons.

1) Look at this list of women who have achieved amazing things but been sidelined by their male co-workers

- Rosalind Franklin: scientist whose work on DNA with Raymond Gosling led to Watson and Crick’s breakthrough

- Alice Guy: first female studio director and owner whose husband convinced her to combine their studios under his name

- Elizabeth Magie: created Monopoly 30 years before Charles Darrow – who sold it to Parker Brothers for millions

- Lise Meitner: physicist who discovered nuclear fission with Otto Hahn who won the Nobel prize but refused to give Jewish refugee Meitner credit

- Chien-Shiung Wu: a physicist who discovered the law of parity. Her 2 male colleagues men received the Nobel Prize for their work

- Margaret Keane: artist who created the ‘Big-Eyed Waifs’. Her husband convinced her (through threats) to put his name on them.

- Jocelyn Bell Burnell: the first person to observe radio pulsars. Her 2 male colleagues received a Nobel Prize for their work, unlike Burnell.

- Anna Arnold Hedgemann: organised the 1963 Washington march but left out of the “Big 6” who were credited with its organisation

- Margaret Hamilton: wrote the code that put the first men on the moon. But have you ever heard of her?

Imagine what they could have achieved if they’d been supported instead of downtrodden

2) Up until the 1970s(!), women did not have the following (what might be viewed as basic) right

- Women couldn’t protect themselves from workplace harassment

- Women couldn’t refuse their husbands sex – marital rape was not a crime

- Women couldn’t get a divorce for domestic violence – proof of a husband’s infidelity was needed for a divorce

- Women couldn’t get the morning after or birth control pill

- Women couldn’t receive direct consultation about their own physical or mental health

- Women couldn’t own a bank or open a bank account

- Women couldn’t be judges or serve on a jury

- Women couldn’t be astronauts

- Women couldn’t purchase athletic shoes or be part of the Olympic Games

- Women couldn’t get into ivy league university

- Women were obstructed from studying law

And while a lot has been achieved, there is still a LONG way to go.

Feminism is not even a female-only concept. For example:

This is what a feminist looks like:

And there have been many, many, examples of those who grasp just how important it is:

William Golding: I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and always have been.

Hugh Jackman: I’m for gender equality because it should never have been any other way

John Legend: All men should be feminists. If men care about women's rights the world will be a better place.

Mahatma Gandhi: Of all the evils for which man has made himself responsible, none is so degrading, so shocking or so brutal as his abuse of the better half of humanity, the female sex

Prince Harry: We know that when women are empowered, they immeasurably improve the lives of those around them – their families, their communities and their countries

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: What feminism means to me is that you don’t let your gender define who you are – you can be who you want to be, whether you’re a man, a woman, a boy, a girl, whatever

John Stuart Mill: The legal subordination of one sex to the other -- is wrong in itself, and now one of the chief hindrances to human improvement

But if you need further reasons why women are not to be underestimated or indeed messed with, consider this:

- Women are able to bleed for 1 whole week every month and not die

- Women are able to create life inside their own bodies

- Women are experts at doing multiple tasks all at once

- Women use both sides of the brain (men predominantly use only the left side of their brains)

- And finally, women are experts at getting blood out of clothing

Just remember – women are not the subjugators. The majority of women are not out to ‘control’ or oppress men. They do not want to get their own back. They want equality and an equality that will benefit everyone.

So maybe the answer to the question what does a feminist look like should be ‘Look in a mirror’

The Very Picky Caterpillar sketch - Mercorabilia

Are you sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll tell you a different perspective of a classic children's book.

Beetle: Oi! Oi, you! Come here

Caterpillar: (mouth full) What?

Beetle: What have you been doing?

Caterpillar: Nothing. (swallows) Just been feeling a bit peckish.

Beetle: I see. So that’s why you’ve taken a bite out of 3 plums. And yesterday you had 2 pears. And the day before that it was an apple.

Caterpillar: Well, I’m hungry.

Beetle: No, you’re not. If you were hungry you’d have eaten all of it – not just taken a bite and moved on to the next thing. What you are is picky – you’re a very picky caterpillar. 

Caterpillar: Sorry.

Beetle: And it’s a terrible waste of food – all that will have to be thrown away now. Just don’t do it again.

---

Beetle: Now look what did I tell you? Don’t do again I said. And what did you do? You bit four strawberries! Four!

Caterpillar: I’m just very hungry.

Beetle: Well, if you do it again you’ll be going to bed without supper. Now just behave.

---

Beetle: Oi! Where have you gone now? Hello! I know you’re here somewhere – there’s a trail of half-eaten food this way. There’s a…. and a … and a …. ! Come on. Come on out. Where are you? Oh.

Caterpillar: Hello.

Beetle: Hello. Can you help me? I’m looking for someone – he’s a caterpillar.

Caterpillar: Sorry. There’s no-one here but us butterflies.

Beetle: Oi! Oi, you! Come here

Caterpillar: (mouth full) What?

Beetle: What have you been doing?

Caterpillar: Nothing. (swallows) Just been feeling a bit peckish.

Beetle: I see. So that’s why you’ve taken a bite out of 1 apple, 2 pears, 3 plums, 4 strawberries, 5 oranges, one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream  cone, one pickle and one slice of Swiss cheese.

Caterpillar: Well, I’m hungry.

Beetle: No, you’re not. If you were hungry you’d have eaten all of it – not just taken a bite and moved on to the next thing. What you are is picky – you’re a very picky caterpillar. 

Caterpillar: Sorry.

Beetle: And it’s a terrible waste of food – all that will have to be thrown away now. Just don’t do it again.

Caterpillar: Ok. <continues eating>

Beetle: Oi! What did I just say? Now you’ve gone a bitten a chunk out of one slice of salami and one lollipop.

Caterpillar: But I’m hungry.

Beetle: Don’t start that again. If you do it again you’ll be going to bed without supper. Now just behave.

Caterpillar: Ok.

TWO WEEKS LATER

Beetle: Where have you gone now? Hello! I know you’re here somewhere – there’s a trail of half-eaten food this way. Look at it – one piece of cherry pie, one sausage and one cupcake. And did you really need to take a bite out of one slice of watermelon? Come on. Come on out. Where are you? Oh.

Caterpillar: Hello.

Beetle: Hello. Can you help me? I’m looking for someone – he’s a caterpillar.

Caterpillar: Sorry. There’s no-one here but us butterflies.