From The Mind of Merc - Historical Pet Peeves

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking over the errors that are made in films in the name of dramatic license.

Could I just clarify something? Dramatic license as I understand it means emphasising an emotion or event to make it more dramatic - it does not mean altering history so that it's a better fit with the writer's plot line.

Here are just a few examples of (often repeated) mistakes:

• When an actor with dark or brown hair is cast as Henry VIII. Especially when a redheaded girl is cast as Princess Elizabeth – hint: she didn’t get it from her mother
• When Catherine of Aragon is portrayed as having dark hair - check the portraits, people!
• When someone says Richard III murdered his nephews in the Tower - please give me one good reason why he would.  (And anyone who says they stood in his way please go and look up the Titulus Regius)
• When a precise figure is given for the victims/survivors of Titanic (given the number of stowaways and no-shows it is impossible to create a correct, exact figure)
• When someone says the TV series 'The Tudors' is historically accurate (why this point is wrong would take a whole blog to explain but I will just some it up in one word: Margaret!)
• When someone says Edward VI died aged 16 - he was born in Oct 1537 and died in Jul 1553 - you do the math. Also when they say Edward was a sickly child - he was a perfectly healthy child who contracted Tuberculosis in his teens. (Any ill health as a baby would have been commented on by ambassadors)
• When Mary Queen of Scots is referred to as Bloody Mary (Oh - so that’s not the queen who had almost 300 Protestants burned at the stake) Also when Mary Queen of Scots is portrayed with a Scottish accent - even though she spent the first 18 years of her life in France
• When 1501 is given as Anne Boleyn's birth year (this is a relatively new one but important - for further details see below *)
• When Anne Boleyn is claimed to be the older sister (ok - so this can't be proved but there are several pointers which suggest Mary was older - the most striking being that she was married off first)
• When it is suggested that Shakespeare didn’t write his own plays (even though all his contemporaries said he did). Also when it is suggested that Shakespeare was an unparalleled genius (as in BBC's Dr Who) – he wrote a lot more plays than his rivals – this doesn’t make him a genius, it just makes him prolific
• When Jack the Ripper is blamed for the death of Martha Tabram – different MO, guys
• When Marie Antoinette is credited with saying ‘Let them eat cake’ (when actually it was her mother Marie Therese)
• When people think the film 'Braveheart' is historically accurate - sure – had an affair with a 5-year-old, did he?
• When Thomas Becket is referred to as Thomas á Becket (guess again)
• When Queen Victoria is credited as having said ‘We are not amused’ (no record of her ever doing so) - hence the title of this blog

* Anne Boleyn birth year is mentioned by William Camden as being 1507 (and, before people start suggesting that a 1 was mistaken for a 7, it's written in Roman numerals). Jane Dormer, the Duchess of Feria also remarks in her memoirs that when Anne was executed in 1536 "she was not twenty-nine years of age"

Speech-wrecker (Part 10) - Mercorabilia

Today I'm sharing an alternate version I created of Prospero's farewell soliloquy at the end of The Tempest - the intention being for it to say the same thing but in modern day language (& I even managed to get it to rhyme)

Shakespeare's original text:

If we shadows have offended,

Think but this and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call:
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends. 

My alternate version: 

If you didn’t like the play you saw,

Forget it as you leave the door 

Tell yourself it wasn’t real 

Like something you cannot feel

If you didn’t like the plot

Maybe then you dreamt the lot

Please don’t be unkind to me

I beg of you on bended knee 

I try so hard to write the best 

But if it did your patience test 

To stop you dealing an unkind blow

I’ll make up for it with my next show

You have my word on that, I swear

So goodbye, it’s time you were not here

Please clap aloud and clap along

I’ll make up for all that I’ve done wrong

Catch 'Em All - !!!NEW!!!

This parody was created by having 'Sway' repeating in my head over and over again, then hearing someone mentioning Pokemon and my brain noticing how the motto "Catch 'em all" fitted nicely with the part of the song that goes "Make me sway"

Sway (Catch Them) All not by Dean Martin

When Professor says the game is on
Gotta catch, Pokemon
When you've caught them you must train them too
Help them learn what to do

You've got such a lot of things to do
Before the game is through
You have to become the best of all
Match them well, catch them all

Other trainers may be on the trail
Ash, but they cannot compare to you
It's up to you to defeat them all now
And we'll tell you just how

When you see a pokemon around
Start a fight, bring them down
When they're weak you trap them in the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

Other trainers may be on the trail
Ash, but they cannot compare to you
Only you can defeat all of them now
And we'll tell you just how

When you see a pokemon at flight
Send your one out to fight
When they're weak you trap them in the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

In the ball
Catch them soon, Catch them all

Doctor Soldier - !!!NEW!!!

Ok - so technically, if I'm following my previous rules, the title of this piece should be 'Doctor I'm' as that's the bit that fits the quote from the song title but as they're my rules and were made to be broken I will.
(I also should have written this when the Caretaker episode of Doctor Who was fresh in my mind as that's what it's based on but I don't think it's suffered too much from being written 2 weeks later).

I've Got Soul Doctor Soldier not by Young Soul Rebels

Clara:

Doctor try to comprehend
Danny Pink is my boyfriend
My boyfriend
And that is because
And that is because, because,

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Doctor:

Don't get me wrong 'cause you know I'm your pal
You don't want to really be his gal 
Why date a hero who's impossible
I'm sorry he doesn't get my approval

Clara:

Doctor try to comprehend
Danny Pink is my boyfriend
My boyfriend
And that is because
And that is because, because

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Doctor:

Listen, you think it is love but you just met the man and
I know that it's hard to understand
Teaching that's just for show
You can't love a man that you barely know

Right now that's done time to move on
Lots more to see and we've just begun, just begun
Shall we go come on,
Shall we go come on
Come on

Clara:

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

Danny:

It's ok Clara he can say what he feels

But that don't mean it makes it all real

Yes I'm a soldier, which the man can see
So I guess that means that he's better than me
Yes the real doctor stands before us 
Do you still think he's meritorious
But I know that as I'm on board

I'll obey the rules of the timelord

Clara:

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Danny:He's one to start fires not stop them
They're true words though he may not like them

He's not the type to be soft spoken
His hate for me is out in the open

Clara:

I love a soldier

Doctor:

Well I thought that went down quite well
So can we get back to sort the Blitzer now
He knows I'm right you can just tell
Please Clara he'll let you down

Danny:

Ok I see, it's not about me
All of your hostile superior stuff
I'll show you that I'm good enough

Clara:

Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier
Doctor I'm in love with a soldier

(Btw, in case you weren't aware the song used in this parody was compiled to support the work of Warchild UK - further information can be found here: http://www.warchild.org.uk/music/discography/i-got-soul)

I Am The Only Captain Of A Small Charter Firm Airdot - !!!NEW!!!

Returning to an old favourite today - that wonderful radio series Cabin Pressure. And this time combining the tale of MJN's Supreme Commander with a tune from the Pirates of Penzance to create... the Pilot of Penzance?

The Major-General's Song The Airline Captain's Song not by Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Yet they think it's Douglas because he has something I have not

I know all of the manual and yet I don’t receive a salary

Because to be a pilot is what I always wanted to be

I’m very well acquainted too with unprofessionality

Can’t understand why Douglas seems to enjoy making fun of me

He seems to get such fun from winding me up and goading me along

And I never even wanted to play the travelling lemon

I'm very good at fending off all contributory suggestions;

I know all of the answers to safety procedure questions:

I’ll make sure all of the passengers know who's in charge of all this lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

I wanted to be a pilot, since I was only six years old;

My dad couldn’t understand, why I wouldn’t do as I was told,

He thought it would be much better if I became an electrician,

But I was determined to follow my own chosen profession;

I know it took me several goes for me to get my CPL,

But in my spare time I practice my skills on the flight sim as well

This might seem strange for somebody who spends their day flying a plane,

But as it doesn’t come natural it’s what I must do to train.

I tell my fam’ly of my job to make me sound like a big man,

But don’t say I really make a living from driving Dad’s old van:

Though Cat may be a warden and Simon an admin that’s their lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot.

I’ve seen and done so much during all my time flying with MJN,

And even landed the plane when a stray goose took out our engine,

I dated a young girl who introduced me to the royal scene,

(I think that this now means that I can say I have a bobsled team)

I haven’t finished learning and there’s still a long way yet to go,

And I won’t be discouraged although the endeavour might be slow

In short, when I've achieved the rank and status that I seek to glean–

You'll say that a better Air-er-dot Captain you have never seen.

It seems I’m always questioned, on what I know of aviationry,

Yes I know my first officer has more experience than me;

But I’ll put up with all the ways he thinks of as that's all he's got
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Queen - Horrific Histories

Today is the one year anniversary of my starting this blog and, as I began with one of my Horrible History parodies, I thought I'd pen another one for the occasion.

B*tch Queen not by Meredith Brooks

Was born to rule Scotland
Just a week old when
My rule it was begun
Sent off to France
Because my mother wanted me
To marry the young Dauphin
I did so at sixteen


Soon though Francis died
No one was int’rested in
The former bride
Came back home to Scotland after my mum died
Next what did I do

I chose to marry my cousin and
Then I had a son

[Chorus:]
I'm a queen, like no other
Had a child, now a mother
But my husband, was no saint

Rebelled against restraint
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

My husband died to plan

This now meant
I had to find another man
Picked Lord Bothwell
Cause he abducted and raped me
And the proper thing to do
To preserve my honour
I had to marry him too

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Lost a child, then another
Faced an army, got locked up

Wouldn’t give Bothwell up
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

The lords agreed, I had failed as ruler
They forced me then to abdicate
I chose to flee, to England not France
Queen Liz will help me

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Now my child, lost his mother
Liz wouldn’t aid my plight

Gave me no chance to fight
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm a queen, through resigned
I've quite often been maligned
When in gaol, did discover
It was all down to my brother
Been on trial, sent to death
Soon taking my last breath
But then I couldn’t live it any other way

From The Mind of Merc - The Titanic Solution

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was reviewing a possible solution I created to the tragedy at the end of Titanic (no not the obvious tragedy - the other one).

I am a huge fan of the 1997 film Titanic but I have to admit it kind of spoiled it when I worked out a way that Jack Dawson could have survived.
(Although the film (and my solution) occurred in 1997 I've decided to share them now rather than waiting another 3 years for the film's 20^th anniversary.)

To be clear, I'm not talking got into a lifeboat or insisted Rose get in one so he could concentrate on saving himself or even don't get on Titanic in the first place – I'm talking one simple thing that could easily have saved his life and it's all to do with this door:

or rather this piece of this door:

(Recognise it now?)

In the film, both Jack and Rose attempt to get on the door. However, their weight is too much and threatens to capsize it due to a simple matter of physics:

so Jack does the noble thing and lets go so Rose can climb aboard and ultimately survive.

Here's where he missed a trick – and when you think about it it's so simple - would it have been so difficult and such a stretch to have attempted to board the door FROM OPPOSITE SIDES?

That way their weights balance each other out, they would both have been able to climb on to the door and could used each other's body heat to stay warm until the one returning lifeboat comes looking for them.

Thus both Jack and Rose survive, Jack's life has not been given in vain and they can live happily ever after together

And all by changing one little thing in how they approached the door.

(Oh and I realise some people will say that Jack and Rose were both in freezing cold water so how would they have had the presence of mind to think of it. Well, Jack displayed quite of lot of presence of mind both before and once they were in the water as he was clear-headed enough to tell Rose on the bow of the ship what she would need to do once they were in the water and when he found her after the boat sank he was still able to give instructions on how to get out of their predicament (well, almost). I suspect Jack would have chosen that particularly piece of driftwood because of its size and personally in his position would have been tempted to push Rose off and tell her to try again.)

Speech-wrecker (Part 9) - Mercorabilia

Another contination of the twist on the speech-wrecker theme today - this time focusing on Achilles speech in Troy.

Achilles: Myrmidons, my men with swords. I’d rather fight beside you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want you attacking me right now. Let no man forget how scary we can make ourselves look, like lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond that beach? Certain death and an excruciating amount of pain! Take it, it’s yours!”

We Don't Want No Reformation - !!!NEW!!!

Ok - so I will admit that this piece came about when I was letting some lyrics wander through my mind and they kind of got distorted and started to sound like something else - which I pursued and created this:

We Can't Get No Satisfaction We Don’t Want No Reformation not by The Rolling Stones

We don't want no reformation
We don't want no reformation
They will try and they’ll try and we’ll cry and we’ll cry
We don't want no, we don't want no
Well I'm workin’ in my home
And this man comes to the town square
He's spoutin’ out Thomas More
And then some useless information
Supposed to fuel my indignation

We don't want no, oh no, no, no
Nay, nay, nay, that's what we say

We don't want no reformation
We don't want no reformation
They will try and they’ll try and we’ll cry and we’ll cry
We don't want no, we don't want no
Well I'm prayin’ in latin
And a man comes up and tells me
What faith I should now be
But he can't be holy 'cause he doesn't want
The same languages/services as me

We don't want no, oh no, no, no
A nay, nay, nay, that's what we say

We don't want no reformation
We want transubstantiation
They will try and they’ll try and we’ll cry and we’ll cry
We don't want no, we don't want no
Well I'm headin’ off to church
And I'm arrested for attemptin’ that
And I'm tryin' to make some guy
Believe maybe he’s on the wrong track, his time’s ill spent
Cause you see I’ll never repent

We don't want no, oh no, no, no
A nay, nay, nay, that's what we say

We don't want no, we don't want no
We don't want no reformation, no reformation
no reformation, no reformation
We don’t want no

Be My Pal - !!!NEW!!!

Yet another on the spot creation - this one inspired by the most recent regeneration of the Doctor and his initially tenuous relationship with his current companion... with a hint of Disney thrown in.

Kiss The Girl Be My Pal not by Sebastian

Eccleston

Tennant
Smith
Me

There she sees me

Diff'rent face yet still the same

Possible she wants to leave

But I don't want to lose her
Don't want her to go

But it's her choice and so

I'm asking Be my pal

Yes, it's still me

Look at me, you know it's true

Deep down I'm still the man you knew

He's just harder to see

Please don’t go away
I want you to stay
Go on and Be my pal

Stay with me now
Boom-boom-boom-boom
Here the drums

Look out as danger comes

Please stay and be my pal

Boom-boom-boom-boom
Don't miss out
Can't you hear me shout

Don't wanna lose my gal

Now’s our moment
Travelling through time and space

Might now be a diff'rent pace
But that might be better
Whatever's to come
I will still need a chum

Want you to Be my pal

Boom-boom-boom-boom
Don’t be scared
'Cause you are well prepared
Go on and be my pal

Boom-boom-boom-boom
Don’t leave yet
Don’t have a need to fret
Just stay and be my pal

Ring-ring-ring-ring
Make your choice
Listen to the voiceWhen he says Be my pal
Ring-ring-ring-click
Phonecall's done
You want to carry on?

You wanna Be my pal

You’ve got to Be my pal

Why don’t you Be my pal

You gotta Be my pal

Go on and Be my pal