From The Mind of Merc - Patron Saints

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about patron saints. Specifically those of the United Kingdom. Given that today is St David's Day this seemed particularly apposite.

On looking into these figures, 1 thing stood out - St David appears to be unique in being the only patron saint who was actually born in the country he is patron saint of!

Let's look at the stats:

England
- George
- Born in Turkey (to Greek parents)
- Died 23^rd April 303AD
- Famous for: Slaying a dragon that was terrorising a city and saving the life of a princess (this part of his story was added in the 11^th century)
- Actual achievements: Being a Roman soldier who was martyred for being Christian with his execution convincing the Empress to become Christian (she was also executed) 

Scotland

- Andrew

- Born in Galilee, Israel (to Jewish parents)
- Lived 5-60/70 AD
- Famous for: Being crucified on an X-shaped cross (hence the shape on the Scottish flag); a sign of which inspired the victory of Oengus II in 832
- Actual achievements: Being a disciple of Jesus (originally a disciple of John the Baptist) and attending several important occasions mentioned in the Bible 

Wales

- David

- Born in Ceredigion, Wales (to Welsh parents)
- Lived 500 – 1^st March 589 AD
- Famous for: Creating a small hill to form where he stood in Brefi (the village of Llanddewi Brefi now stands on this spot) and having a white dove settle on his shoulder
- Actual achievements: Being a renowned preacher and teacher who founded monastic settlements in Wales and presided over the Synod of Caerleon (or Synod of Victory) 

Ireland

- Patrick

- Born in England (to Roman parents)
- Lived 5^th century
- Famous for: Banishing snakes from Ireland, fasting for 40 days on a mountain and using the shamrock to demonstrate the Holy Trinity of father, son and holy spirit
- Actual achievements: Being kidnapped by pirates aged 16, escaping back to England before returning to Ireland to promote Christianity and eventually become a bishop

Queen - Horrific Histories

Today is the one year anniversary of my starting this blog and, as I began with one of my Horrible History parodies, I thought I'd pen another one for the occasion.

B*tch Queen not by Meredith Brooks

Was born to rule Scotland
Just a week old when
My rule it was begun
Sent off to France
Because my mother wanted me
To marry the young Dauphin
I did so at sixteen


Soon though Francis died
No one was int’rested in
The former bride
Came back home to Scotland after my mum died
Next what did I do

I chose to marry my cousin and
Then I had a son

[Chorus:]
I'm a queen, like no other
Had a child, now a mother
But my husband, was no saint

Rebelled against restraint
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

My husband died to plan

This now meant
I had to find another man
Picked Lord Bothwell
Cause he abducted and raped me
And the proper thing to do
To preserve my honour
I had to marry him too

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Lost a child, then another
Faced an army, got locked up

Wouldn’t give Bothwell up
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

The lords agreed, I had failed as ruler
They forced me then to abdicate
I chose to flee, to England not France
Queen Liz will help me

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Now my child, lost his mother
Liz wouldn’t aid my plight

Gave me no chance to fight
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm a queen, through resigned
I've quite often been maligned
When in gaol, did discover
It was all down to my brother
Been on trial, sent to death
Soon taking my last breath
But then I couldn’t live it any other way

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 2) - Mercorabilia

Another entry from the cynical speech wrecker today - this time taking aim at William Wallace's speech from Braveheart.

William Wallace: I am William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as free men... and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?

Veteran: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.

William Wallace: Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!

Soldier: To be honest I’d be perfectly happy with living for a while.

William Wallace: What?

Soldier: You’re saying our choice is die now or die later – well with all due respect I’ll pick later thanks. I’ve got a wife and kids at home – without me to work on the farm they could starve and then they’ll die too

William Wallace: But they’ll die at the hands of the English!

Soldier: Really? ‘Cause from what I’ve seen they only killed your wife and that’s ‘cause she pissed them off. I don’t think my family’s got any intention of doing that.

William Wallace: So you’re happy to just let them take our freedom?

Soldier: They’ve already taken it! We’ve been under England’s thumb since 1291 – what’s the big deal with changing things now?

William Wallace: Because they’re imposing new rules on us and if we join together we can make a difference.

Soldier: True change can never occur without the support of those in power.

William Wallace: We have the support of the lords.

Soldier: Right – lords whose loyalty is available to the highest bidder.

William Wallace: They are?

Soldier: Look I’m not saying the situation is ideal but you’re honestly asking us to practically commit suicide in the hope that some posh twit hundreds of miles away in London notices it??? And in noticing decides ‘Hmm maybe I’m being too hard on those Scots – maybe I should cut them a break’. Rather than be so outraged at our perceived insolence that he sends an even bigger army to kill even more of us which is what he’s actually more likely to do.

William Wallace: Umm…

Soldier: Thought so. Bye.