Companions song - !!!NEW!!!

And then an equally complex Whovian parody of the Monarchs song from Horrible Histories:

Monarchs Companions Song not from Horrible Histories
My name is Susan Foreman I’m the doctor’s granddaughter
You never will forget me and, you never should oughta
I was the first to travel in the TARDIS with my gramps
Against all of our enemies we always were the champs
To help remember all his friends, I've come up with this song
A simple rhyming ditty, for you all to sing along, oh...
Susan!
Bit short, innit? We need more names! Who came next?

Bar-bra Wright, a teacher
Followed Susan, grave error
With her colleague, Ian C
Both worked (at) Coal Hill, you see
Then came Vicki, ‘cause Susan’s gone!
And Steven Taylor a hanger on
Sara Kingdom joined the fight
Dodo Chaplet? Yes, that's right!
Oh Katarina, what a tragedy
Gave her life so that they could flee

Chorus:
Susan, Bar-bra, Ian, Vicki
Steve, Sara, Dodo, Kat! 

If you are new, we’re not near through, Troughton’s where we’re at

Next Polly a secretary
And Ben Jackson too
Then we have Jamie McCrimmon, a Scot och aye the noo
Victor-ya a loyal daughter, she’s forced to face all her fears
Next Zoe H she joined the team
Then Liz Shaw she appears
We’re on to three, then you’ll see
The companion’s Jo Grant (tada)
Had to earn the Doctor’s trust
‘Til Sarah Jane arrived (hurrah)
Harry S, Leela then
Romana one and two
With K9’s help on board and Adric’s
A stowaway in the crew
So Nyssa then five’s begun
A new regeneration
Tegan Jovanka too, who speaks indigenous Australian
Vislor Turlough, just let him go
Then an android
Yes!
Kamelion, asked the doctor
To help end his distress

Chorus:
Susan, Bar-bra, Ian, Vicki
Steve, Sara, Dodo, Kat!
Pol, Ben, Jamie, Vic, Zoe
Liz, Jo, SJ’s where we’re at
Harry, Leela, Romana
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan then
Then Turlough Kamel-yon

We now lose Davison

Peri Brown’s in the TARDIS
'Til she leaves to wed a king
When things resume, it’s now Mel Bush
The one with a big grin
We then get Ace before some space
Because they’ve gone off the air
In the movie it’s Grace you’ll see
Then Rose Tyler is who’s there
She and Mickey, who met one day
Captain Jack Harkness - immortal
And so from then, we’re following ten
Still we’ve not reached Clara Oswald! 

Chorus:
Susan, Bar-bra, Ian, Vicki
Steve, Sara, Dodo, Kat!
Pol, Ben, Jamie, Vic, Zoe
Liz, Jo, SJ’s where we’re at
Harry, Leela, Romana
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan then
And Turlough Kamel-yon
Peri Brown, Mel, Ace and then
Grace, Rose, Mickey and Captain Jack

There’s still some key ones that we lack

And so began Tennant’s rebound gang
Donna and Martha
Jones!
Then Amy Pond she tags along
So Smith’s not on his own
Her husband too he joins the crew
Is he just a third wheel?
Hang on!
He’s actually the Centurion
And is really a big deal
Bang on!
And River Song she is fam-ly
You what!
It's time for a new tale to be told
When the Ponds are gone then just look who comes
Yes it is Clara Oswald!

Chorus:
Susan, Bar-bra, Ian, Vicki
Steve, Sara, Dodo, Kat!
Pol, Ben, Jamie, Vic, Zoe
Liz, Jo, SJ’s where we’re at
Harry, Leela, Romana
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan then
And Turlough Kamel-yon
Peri Brown, Mel, Ace and then
Grace, Rose, Mickey Captain Jack - hurrah
Don(na), Marth(a), Am(y), Ror(y)
River, then Clara
Now it’s Clara, now it’s Clara, now it’s Clara

She’s the impossible girl, you know

Nardole, and Bill
Graham, Ryan, Jaz
Dan Lewis joined the team
And so our companions song
Is brought up to fourteen

Chorus:
Susan, Bar-bra, Ian, Vicki
Steve, Sara, Dodo, Kat!
Pol, Ben, Jamie, Vic, Zoe
Liz, Jo, SJ’s where we’re at
Harry, Leela, Romana
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan then
And Turlough Kamel-yon
Peri Brown, Mel Ace and then
Grace, Rose, Mickey Captain Jack - hurrah
Don(na), Marth(a), Am(y), Ror(y)
River then Clara
Nardole, Bill, Graham, Ryan 
Then Yas and Dan help reach the end

Let’s not forget the Brigadier
The one who we now all should cheer

I Became VP - !!!NEW!!!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! The day has come and he's finally gone. What better way to celebrate that with a parody in honour of the new second-in-command. 
Given her appointment can effectively be said to be thanks to the inspiration for this song's original focus, I figured it was rather apt.

I Sat On A Bus I Became VP not from Horrible Histories

I’m K Harris, Rosa’s heiress
I picked up on her old fight
Sexist bigot in charge, racist killers at large
It just was not all right
What could I do to attempt a reprieve?     
Why have you heard of me?
What could one little woman achieve?
We-e-e-ell

I became VP
(You became VP?)
I became VP
(You became VP?)
You want to know how?
(Go ahead, tell me)
I became VP
(You became VP)

Since Year ‘16, when Trump took over
We faced a grim outlook
(It’s sad to see)
Black blood was spilled, and innocents killed
Yet no one brought to book
(How can it be?)
Even though I am a mixed race girl
Joe picked me as his partner
(Filled us with glee)      
Trump tried to shout it’s not allowed
You’d think that he would be smarter
(No, not really)
He failed in this, still wouldn’t desist
Yet he could not beat me
Was here to stay - would persist
And so I

Became VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(She became VP)
For all folks to see
(She won it you see)
So I was made VP
(She was made VP) 

We started up a campaign to ensure a correction
To bring round all of the voters and to win the next election
The USA I’m sad to say
Was suff’ring from dejection
Cause decency was gone and prejudice was strong
(Oh, our poor nation)

We faced libel, lies and slander
Yet we kept soldiering on
Fought for the soul, to evict the troll
Just wanted Trump gone
It all came down to one big day
November the third
(Democracy)       
The vote was tight even so
We had the final word
(Majority)
Our time’s come we’ve finally won
Biden now leads the country
He is the forty sixth US president 

And I’m the new VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(She became VP)
I became VP
(For you and me)
I became VP
(She became VP)
I am, I am
(Our country will see
A woman VP)
I am, I am, I’m the new VP
(We’re glad you see
She’s our new VP)
I’m VP
(She became VP
For you and me
I became VP
She became VP
She became VP)

Henry VIII's Mail Order Bride sketch - Horrific Histories

A return to an old category today as this one definitely takes its inspiration from the Horrible Histories series. I love the online clips and whoever thought of ‘Mullions XP’ is a genius.

Cromwell: My lord

Henry VIII: Mmm? Oh, hello Cromwell.

Cromwell: My lord, I most express my most profound condolences at the death of your wife.

Henry VIII: Well, these things happen.

Cromwell: What are you doing?

Henry VIII: Oh, I’m just having a look of Royal Mail Brides dot com.

Cromwell: I see. Any that take your majesty’s fancy?

Henry VIII: This one seems interesting. Christina of Milan. 16, single, not a bad looker either.

Cromwell: Indeed.

Henry VIII: Mmm. Still I’ve ordered their catalogue so I can get a proper look at them. Holbein should be bringing it any time now. Ah – here he is.

Holbein: Your majesty.

Henry VIII: Hello, Holbein. Is that the catalogue?

Holbein: Indeed it is.

Henry VIII: Excellent. By the way, did you speak to Christina?

Holbein: Er, yes – I did, my lord.

Henry VIII: And?

Holbein: I regret, my lord, that the Princess Christina is… unavailable.

Henry VIII: Unavailable?

Holbein: Yes, my lord.

Henry VIII: What did she say?

Holbein: Yes. She… well, she basically said she didn’t have enough heads for your majesty.

Henry VIII: <chuckles> She’s a card!

Holbein: Yes. Perhaps your majesty would care to look at our other brides.

Henry VIII: All right – let’s have a look at them.

Holbein: Well, we have Louise of Guise. Or Anne of Lorraine.

Henry VIII: Ergh! No. French. Can’t have a French queen.

Holbein: Right. Well, how about… Amelia of Cleves – lovely little thing, bit old-fashioned…

Henry VIII: Mmm. Maybe. Ooh, what a minute. What about this one on the other page?

Holbein: Ah, yes – Anna of Cleves. Nice little runner that. European princess, fluent in German, no previous owner, just 21 years on the clock.

Henry VIII: Nice portrait.

Holbein: Yes, I definitely captured her good side.

Henry VIII: What do you think, Cromwell?

Cromwell: What’s her background, Holbein?

Henry VIII: Daughter of the Duke of Cleves – increasing portion of land in the Emperor’s territories.

Cromwell: Good choice, your majesty.

Henry VIII: Yes, I thought so.

Cromwell: Excellent. Shall I make the necessary arrangements?

Henry VIII: Yes, good idea, Cromwell. Well done, Master Holbein.

Holbein: Oh, believe me, sire. The pleasure was definitely all mine.

Anne Boleympics - Mercorabilia

Today I’ve been playing around with a sketch which I guess owes some inspiration to the Horrible Histories series. Please excuse the terrible pun at the beginning:

Commentator 1: And you join us here today for the final leg of the Anne Boleympics. Up first is the hurdles. She’s under father’s orders. And she’s off. She making good progress so far as she approaches the first hurdle. She’s past Cardinal Wolsey, she’s past Catherine of Aragon, she’s broken through Rome! And she’s on the throne stretch...

Commentator 1: Let’s move across now to the wrestling which is a two person event with her training partner, Henry, and...oh! I’m sorry – it’s appears that event is censored.

Commentator 1: Anyway we’re onto the final event now. The child bearing. A particularly difficult task this one. She’s been working on it for 9 months and let’s go over to Ted now in the confinement chamber and see what she can do. Ted.

Commentator 2: Thank you, Bill. Well, she’s been in the confinement chamber now for quite some time and the crowd are all waiting with baited breath to see how this turns out. I think, yes, I’m being told there are signs that she’s nearing the end of this event. Here it comes... She needs a son to win gold and... oh! And it’s a girl. That’s disappointing. Well better luck next time, Anne. Back to you, Bill.

Commentator 1: Thanks, Ted. And a quick word now with her training partner – Henry. Henry – all that work and only a son to show for it. I’ve no doubt you’re disappointed.

Henry: Of course I am! I had high hopes for that girl and she goes at lets me down just at the crucial moment.

Commentator 1: Well, there’s always another year and who knows maybe next time she’ll make the cut.

Henry: Let’s hope for her sake she doesn’t.

Queen - Horrific Histories

Today is the one year anniversary of my starting this blog and, as I began with one of my Horrible History parodies, I thought I'd pen another one for the occasion.

B*tch Queen not by Meredith Brooks

Was born to rule Scotland
Just a week old when
My rule it was begun
Sent off to France
Because my mother wanted me
To marry the young Dauphin
I did so at sixteen


Soon though Francis died
No one was int’rested in
The former bride
Came back home to Scotland after my mum died
Next what did I do

I chose to marry my cousin and
Then I had a son

[Chorus:]
I'm a queen, like no other
Had a child, now a mother
But my husband, was no saint

Rebelled against restraint
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

My husband died to plan

This now meant
I had to find another man
Picked Lord Bothwell
Cause he abducted and raped me
And the proper thing to do
To preserve my honour
I had to marry him too

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Lost a child, then another
Faced an army, got locked up

Wouldn’t give Bothwell up
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

The lords agreed, I had failed as ruler
They forced me then to abdicate
I chose to flee, to England not France
Queen Liz will help me

[Chorus]
I'm a queen, like no other
Now my child, lost his mother
Liz wouldn’t aid my plight

Gave me no chance to fight
Been through hell, can’t you see
I'm nothing if not queen
You know I wouldn't have it any other way

I'm a queen, through resigned
I've quite often been maligned
When in gaol, did discover
It was all down to my brother
Been on trial, sent to death
Soon taking my last breath
But then I couldn’t live it any other way

Hey Hey We're The Normans - Horrific Histories

Horrible Histories has actually done a song about the Normans and a song using the Monkees song but I decided to mix the two together. This is the result:

Hey Hey We're The Monkees Normans not by The Monkees
Here we come,

Sailing cross the sea.
We’re gonna conquer England and
We’re from Normandy.
Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

We go wherever we want to,
do what we like to do
We’ve always time to get restless,
Or start something new.

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

We don’t want to be friendly,
And don’t have time to rest or play,
We're the new generation,
And you won’t keep us at bay.

Senlac Hill, you call it Hastings,
We fought your ruler Harold
And guess who’s now the king

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

[break]

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
We tell you now we’re here to stay.
And we’ve got plans for fighting
We’re gonna put you down.

We don’t want to be friendly,
And don’t have time to rest or play,
We're the new generation,
And you won’t keep us at bay.

Hey, hey, we're the Normans
Hey, hey, we're the Normans
[repeat and fade]

The Stuarts Song - Horrific Histories

A recently completed entry from my Horrific Histories collection today which again parodies one of Horrible Histories' own creations - this time The Tudors Song rewritten for the Stuarts.

Imagine it being sung by Charles II.

The Tudors Stuarts Song not by Horrible Histories

Anyone who's lived around these parts
Or ever knew'd us
Is well aware just who it was came
After the Tudors... 

My grandad James Sixth & First
He came from Scotland
To govern England
Speedily done 

Charles the First then took over
Who’d suffered the cold shoulder
Cause Prince Henry was older
But he had died young 

Everyone said of Charles The
First he was a bad king
And it’s cos of him
That I then went into hiding... 

'Cause we're Stuarts
It isn’t wise to boo-at

The scaffold you’ll be due at
‘Cause we are in charge

Stuarts!
Ruling we weren’t new at
Power we soon grew at

We like living large

Eventually I became king
I enjoyed messing about
It’s your queen who then lost out
‘Cause she had no kids

It was an heir I needed
But that just wouldn’t happen
Oh dear, well, that’s that then
The throne – any bids?

Stuart!

My castle many flew at

And many more would queue at

To feel the king’s touch 

My brother then took the throne

That’s King James the Second
(But) Catholicism beckoned
Who came after?

His daughter then took over
Along with husband William
Again they had no children
So Anne’s the ruler...

Stuart!
The era many rue at
And some would like to sue at
Yet we still won

Anne outlived all her heirs
So our reign ended there
We didn’t think that fair
So we kept fighting on

Christopher Marlowe - Horrific Histories

An entry from the unsubmitted section of my Horrific Histories collection today turning a song about a Disney villain into one about an Elizabethan literary hero.

Cruella de Vil Christopher Marlowe not by Disney

Christopher Marlowe

Christopher marlowe

Top of the hits where ever he’d go

Wrote Faustus and Tamberlane

Before he died

Was it because he spied?

His way with the words
The turn of his phrase
Will always stay with us
For all of our days
A dramatist and a

Poet also
Was Christopher Marlowe

William Shakespeare
Is second to none
But his time came after
Marlowe was gone
The more famous name now
But then about the town
It was Kit and not Will who
Earned renown!

A skilled author
With a tricky life
His escapades brought him
Nothing but strife
Cos fifteen ninety

two’s a year of woe
For poor, Christopher Marlowe

Grey Sisters - Horrific Histories

Today's entry is from my Horrific Histories collection and is a twist on the Shirley Bassey classic 'Goldfinger' taking it back to the era of Queen Elizabeth I and changing the colour scheme slightly.

Goldfinger Grey Sisters not by Shirley Bassey 

Grey sisters.
We’re the girls, the girls with whom fate did toy.
And then destroy.

Yes – the Grey sisters.
Lady Jane’s is the story that you know
But there’s two to go.

Oh to marry for love did Cath’rine,
But this marriage did upset the queen,
Despite two children Eliz did insist-a,
To annul the match of this poor

Grey sister.
She died young in the tower locked away
For all her days.

Lady Mary she was called ugly,
But this didn’t deter Thomas Keyes,
Married secretly this didn’t assist her,
He was locked up cos he wed a
 

Grey sister.
Kept under house arrest all of her life
Of woe and strife.

Now their tale is told,
Yes it’s told.
It is told.
Their tale is now told,
You’ve been told.
You’ve been told.

We All Row Together - Horrific Histories

Another twist on Paul McCartney's 'We All Stand Together' - this time parodied for my Horrific Histories collection.
Enjoy!

We All Stand Row Together not by Paul McCartney

Galley slaves, condemned men
Land is just one thing we’ll not see again
Chained to oars, doomed to die
We all row together

Not Romans, never were
This is a misconception that you’ll hear
They’re soldiers, we’re peasants
We all row together

Aaaaaaaggggghhhh

It’s such a hideous sight
Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
We won’t escape

From our poor fate

Born paupers, stole to live
But crime is something they cannot forgive
Working hard, facing war
We all row together

Aaaaaaaggggghhhh

Ours is a pitiful plight
Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh
Torture and strife

10 years is life

Caught convicts, wretched souls
Only fresh air comes in through these small holes
No hygiene, disease is rife
We all row together

Instrumental chorus

Instrumental verse

We all row together!

That's Cholera - Horrific Histories

Another of the first of the parody songs I penned and submitted to Horrible Histories.
Not quite as romantic as the Dean Martin original.

That's Amore Cholera not by Dean Martin

(In London Town where filth is king
When germ meets man here's what they sing)

When you’re in poverty and have no lavatory
You’re in danger
If you drank the water when you shouldn’t oughta
You could catch it
Skin will ting gle-ling-a-ling, ting-gle-ling-a-ling
And you'll know when it’s started

Symptoms run on-and-on-and-on, on-and-on-and-on
And you’ll soon be departed

When your skin’s turning blue and you’ve got fishy poo
That's cholera
When you’re constantly sick and your hands wrinkle quick
Cholera
You’ll feel life slip away and not see another day

Poor fella
Please sit down, and don’t frown, but in old London Town
That's cholera

Oh in eighteen four eight you won’t avoid the fate
Of cholera
It’ll kill many more and there’s much left in store
For cholera
Hear me sing of this horrid thing, yes for you I sing
And you'll know of cholera
Caught on slow but now we know oh yes we know
How to deal with cholera

Nowadays we’re aware of hygiene to take care
For cholera
Yes we know to hydrate before it is too late

Cholera
There are vaccines in place to preserve the human race

From cholera
It’s still hanging round, but less deaths are now found
From cholera

Getting betta

Red or White - Horrific Histories

This is the one of the first parody songs I write and submitted to Horrible Histories - for which I got a thank you letter and a signed photo of the cast.
It uses a Michael Jackson song to detail the events of the Wars of the Roses. Enjoy!

Black Red or White not by Michael Jackson

Henry took the throne cause his dad was the king
But to rule England it just wasn’t his thing

And when he suddenly went mad
The whole country it started to fight

And, if
You're fightin’ for the kingdom
It’ll matter if you're red or white

Edward Earl of March yeah that was my name
My dad was Duke of York the throne he did claim

But the queen she didn’t like this and my dad he

Wasn’t prepared to subside

So, if
You're fighting for the kingdom
It’ll matter if you're red or white

We fought the battle of St Albans
We fought the battle of Blore Heath
We fought the battle of Wakefield
And that’s where my dad met his death
We fought at Mortimer’s Cross
We fought at St Albans again
We fought at Towton in Yorkshire
And that’s when the throne I did gain

Coronation
For Edward the fourth king
Put down revolts like they were nothing
Then in six four
Things went awry
Cos Eliz Woodville caught the king’s eye
See, cos Warwick had planned it
He’d scanned it, manned it
When Edward says no
He just won’t stand it
He’ll turn his back on Edward
He’ll then support George but he’ll overlook Richard

But Ed’ll have the last laugh
Cos he’ll beat them all in the final fight

And, if
You're fightin’ for the kingdom
It’ll matter if you're red or white

I said if
You're fightin’ for the kingdom
It’ll matter if you're red or white

I said if
You're fightin’ for the kingdom
It’ll matter if you're red or white

Ooh, Ooh Yea, Yea, Yea
Ooh, Ooh Yea, Yea, Yea

It's red, it's white
Been on since fourteen five five
It's red , it's white, Whoo

It's red, it's white
It'll end in fourteen eight five
It's red , it's white, Whoo

Queen of England - Horrific Histories

This is one of the songs I penned for Horrible Histories that I didn't submit.
It's based on the only child of King George IV and his wife Caroline - Princess Charlotte.

Queen of England not by Jamie O’Neal
Born to be heir
Child of George the Fourth the king
Public thought I was just the thing
To bring change in

Married a prince
And dreamed of starting a family
But when I had my first baby
It finished me

Queen of England
Was gonna be, queen of England but no more
Queen of England
Won’t get to be, Queen of England anymore

After I died
My uncles hurried to get wed
And with George and William dead
Victoria led                                                               

Alternative last verse:
When my father died 
His brother then niece took over 
My husband Leo showed to her 
Her true suitor

Stupid Deaths - Horrific Histories

A return to my Horrific Histories collection today- a selection of parody songs I wrote and submitted to the BBC for their Horrible Histories programme. 
A common feature of the show is a series of shorts called 'Stupid Deaths'
A song by American singer Pink is called 'Stupid Girls'.
I decided to mix the two together using the Darwin Awards as a subject. Although not historical I think it fits quite well.
(In case you're wondering - all of the exploits mentioned below have actually been attempted by people earning them either a Darwin Award or nomination - see footnote)

Stupid Deaths not by Pink
Aha, aha
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, stupid deaths

If I ever act like that, you know I’m not coming back
Darwin award winner yes, know it’s gonna be a stupid death

A man who locked himself outside
Turned on a tap spout when he crawled inside
Head in the sink so he gave up and drowned
(On him keys were found) (1)
A man hunting moles in his lawn stuck poles
Thought he could simply electrify the holes
Used a high voltage supply
But when he walked onto his lawn he’s not gonna survive (2)
Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

If I ever act like that, you know I’m not coming back
Darwin award winner yes, know it’s gonna be a stupid death
If I ever act like that, something up there I lack
Won’t let it end like that, I don't wanna be a stupid death

(And there’s more now)
Kung-fu student who fought some lions (3)
Men stomping down on a mine (4)
Two drunkards took a plane for a joyride

Didn’t spot the power line (5)
Man used copper wire for kite string (6)
Man used grenade for fireworks (7)
Man put lava lamp on a stove top (8)
Whole world’s going berserk
(Come on)
Detonators in mouths

Hooked to a main (9)
And waste chemicals
That were poured down a drain (10)

If I ever act like that, you know I’m not coming back
Darwin award winner yes, know it’s gonna be a stupid death
If I ever act like that, something up there I lack
Won’t let it end like that, I don't wanna be a stupid death

(Do ya think? Do ya think? Do ya think?)
(Not like this, like this, like this)
Pretty dumb don’t you think, see it’s such a stupid death
Hope that you will stop and think, stupid death!
Pretty dumb don’t you think , see it’s such a stupid death
Hope that you will stop and think, stupid death!

If I ever act like that, something up there I lack
Won’t let it end like that

If I ever act like that, you know I’m not coming back
Darwin award winner test, know it’s gonna be a stupid death
If I ever act like that, something up there I lack
Won’t let it end like that, I don't wanna be a stupid death

If I ever act like that, something up there I lack
Won’t let it end like that
Stupid death
Stupid death
Stupid death

Footnote (Please be aware that the Darwin Award is usually given posthumously)

(1) Man locked out of his house - climbed through the kitchen window. Too large so flailed around until the hot water was turned on. Sink filled up and head was actually in the sink. Didn’t pull the plug or turn off the water, give up and drowned. Keys were in his pocket

(2) A man drove metal stakes all around his lawn. The idea being to electrify the underground mole holes. Connected them to a High Voltage supply. Electrified the entire ground &, wandering onto it, electrocuted himself!

(3) A Kung-Fu student tried to take on a lion at the Melbourne zoo as during his martial arts class the instructor commented on how they were “ready to take on wild animals.” This was taken literally

(4) 3 men drinking in a bar threw a landmine under their table and then took it in turn to down a drink in one and stamp on the mine. The game came to an end with the landmine going off when somebody stamped on it.

(5) Two locals having gone on an all night bender and apparently fearing to drive home drunk, stole a small single engine plane and took it for a joyride. Unfortunately their tail clipped some power lines and they took a nosedive.

(6) Man attempting to replicate Ben Franklin’s famous kite flying experiment. Used copper wire as a kite string. The kite sailed high and the string touched a high voltage power line that sent 3 billion watts into the young man killing him instantly.

(7) To save money on fireworks a man decided to use the explosive material inside a grenade to manufacture some homemade bottle rockets and Roman candles. Lacking a screwdriver he used a chainsaw. The results were obvious.

(8) A man was waiting for his brand new lava lamp to heat up, became impatient and put the glass part of the lamp onto a stove top to heat it faster. The lamp top exploded sending a large shard directly into his chest.

(9) Man found unexploded detonator laying around and decided to bring it home. After night of drinking, argument broke out over how safe it was resulting in him having someone plug both of the dangling wires into a 220 watt light socket which ignited the detonator that was in his mouth sending one half of his jaw east and the other west.

(10) While driving home, a biology teacher suddenly stopped and leapt from the vehicle. The teacher has some potentially noxious chemicals in her car and lacking a chemical sink began pouring them down the drain. The resulting chemical reaction & explosion was so powerful the manhole cover flew straight up and decapitated the teacher.

Remember, remember, the 5th of November - !!!NEW!!!

It’s that time of year again. 
Today’s the day we celebrate the discovery and foiling of one the most infamous plots against the crown and parliament. 

Most people are familiar with the old rhyme that goes:  

Remember, remember the fifth of November 
Gunpowder, treason and plot
I know of no reason why gunpowder treason 
Should ever be forgot 

Terry Deary – author of the Horrible Histories series – came up with this version: 

Remember, remember the fifth of November 
Gunpowder, treason and plot 
Was Guy Fawkes a devil, the Stuarts all saints?
Are we glad that we stopped him…or not? 

So I thought I’d join in with my own verse of what Guy Fawkes night has come to mean: 

Remember, remember the fifth of November 
Gunpowder, treason and plot 
Beware of the fireworks, they’re pretty but deadly 
And don’t touch the fire – it’s hot!

The Prime Ministers Song - Horrific Histories

Another excerpt from my Horrific Histories collection today.
An earlier entry in my blog parodied the English Kings & Queens Song from the BBC Horrible Histories series fitting the 44 Presidents of the USA into the tune so I thought I'd try doing the same with UK Prime Ministers... all 53 of them.
It worked quite well except the chorus which is supposed to list all those mentioned in the song so far. The only way I could find to do it was to have two choruses at the end to fit them all in. 
Hope you enjoy.

The English Kings & Queens Prime Ministers Song not by Horrible Histories

Bob Walpole’s first, (for) George One And Two
And then we’ve got Compton
Henry Pelham’s our number 3
Then Pelham-Holles or Tom
Will Cavendish from Devonshire
Then Pelham-Holles again
John Stuart for King George Three
Then Grenville takes the rein

Watson-Wentworth comes to power then
The Elder Mr Pitt
Augustus Fitzroy was before
Lord North whose face did fit

“Oh is that all?”
“Only 12 innit? We’ve lots more names. Now who’s next?”

Watson-Wentworth comes back now
Petty-FitzMaurice he knows how
Cavendish-Bentinck not as fit
As the Younger Mr Pitt

Henry Addington next to bat
And then Pitt the Younger is back
Wyndham Grenville then before
Cavendish-Bentinck’s in store
Perceval’s the one man killed
By Jenkinson his shoes were filled

Chorus (skip this bit)
Canning, G. stayed least then see               
Fred John Robinson                       
He came before the Iron Duke                     
And then Charles Grey is on 
William Lamb – Victoria’s man              
Then Wellesley’s back again
Robert Peel – the copper’s friend            
Then William Lamb’s refrain        
Bobby’s back but on his track    
Lord Russell, that’s right - John                   
Smith-Stanley is after he               
Then Hamilton-Gordon      
Henry John Temple then           
It’s Smith-Stanley’s return        
Temple takes him out but then    
John Russell’s back before        
It’s Smith-Stanley then Disraeli                 
He’s the Earl of Beaconsfield                
Bill Gladstone then takes the role               
But finds Disraeli won’t yield

Gladstone wins but then next in                                      
Is Gascoyne-Cecil. Who?                            
Gladstone’s back and then guess what          
It’s Gascoyne-Cecil’s two                                

Chorus (skip this bit)

Bill Gladstone’s back and then                       
Archibald Primrose or Archie                           
It’s Gascoyne-Cecil’s final turn   
Then Balfour or Artie


Campbell-Bannerman - first PM man            
Asquith enters the war                                 
Lloyd George is bold takes on this role                             
And then it’s Andrew Law                                

Stanley Baldwin is next to win                    
Then MacDonald takes his position                            
Stan Baldwin’s back before McDonald’s slack
Means Baldwin’s third inauguration


Chorus (skip this bit)

With Chamberlain World War 2 begins   
But he doesn’t stay long                               
Churchill steps in, with him we win           
Then Atlee when he’s gone                              

Churchill’s back but just can’t hack             
Peace so next we have Eden                              
Harold Macmillan’s next in line                    
Then Douglas Home succeeds him               

(Har)old Wilson then is in office
Ted Heath for one short term                     
Harold Wil-son then Callaghan’s on            
And then it’s Maggie Thatcher’s turn           

Chorus (skip this bit)

(She’s our only woman PM, you know)        

John Major, Blair, Gordon Brown and     
We’ve David Cameron now                          
And that’s all the prime ministers                                
We’ve had up until now


Chorus (Pt 1)
Walpole, Compton, Pelham, Pelham-holles
Cavendish, Pelham-holles, Stuart
Grenville, Watson-wentworth, Pitt
Fitzroy, North, Watson-wentworth
Petty fitz-maurice, Cavendish-bentinck
Pitt, Addington, Pitt, Grenville
Cavendish-bentinck, Perceval
Jenkinson, Canning, Robinson
Wellesley, Grey, Lamb, Wellesley, Peel, Lamb
Peel, Russell, Smith-Stanley
Hamilton-Gordon
Temple, Smith-Stanley, Temple
Russell, Smith-Stanley, Disraeli

Chorus (Pt 2)Gladstone, Disraeli, Gladstone, Gas(coyne)-cecil
Gladstone, Gas(coyne)-cecil, Gladstone
Primrose, Gascoyne-cecil, Balfour
Campbell-ban(ner)man, Asquith, Lloyd george
Law, Baldwin, Macdonald, Baldwin
Macdonald, Baldwin, Chamberlain
Churchill, Atlee, Churchill, Eden
Macmillan, Douglas home, Wilson
Heath, Wilson, Callaghan, Thatcher
Major, Blair, Brown, Cameron
That’s all we’ve got for yer
Took two goes to get them in
Just how fast through them can you sing?

All these PMs have come and gone
And now we’re stuck with Cameron!