Cassandra sketch - Mercorabilia

Cassandra is a famous soothsayer and Princess of Troy who was blessed with gift of prophecy but cursed in that she would never be believed.

She apparently predicted the downfall of Troy (following Helen’s arrival), the deception of the Greeks with the Trojan Horse and her own death at the hands of (Helen’s sister and) King Agamemnon’s wife, Clytemnestra.

Now, I don’t know about you but if I was Cassandra I would have cottoned on to this ‘curse’ pretty soon and it wouldn’t have taken much for me to turn it around.

For example, take the Trojan Horse - if she’d turned her curse on its head then the situation could have gone a bit like this:

Cassandra: I’m telling you! It’s full of Greek soldiers. If you bring that into the city then they’ll run rampage through the streets and kill everyone.

Trojan soldier: Don’t be daft! The Greeks are long gone. We saw to that. Look outside – their camp’s deserted. They’ve all run away like little cowards.

Cassandra: But that’s only a ploy! They’re pretending they’ve run away so you’ll decide to ‘steal’ their offering to the Gods! That horse is completely hollow!

Trojan soldier: Rubbish! Good craftsmanship that is. You can tell just by looking at it. Solid as a rock.

Cassandra: But I’m telling you! It’s… you know what – you’re right. Of course there’s nothing wrong with it. I can see that absolutely nothing bad will happen if you bring that horse inside these walls.

Trojan soldier: Hmm. Very suspicious. Alright lads, get it open.

<boards ripped apart as the soldiers break in>

Greek soldier: Ah. Um, hello. Fancy seeing you here. Yes, we were just checking it over before we left with the others.

Trojan soldier: Really? So what are you doing with those swords?

Greek soldier: Oh, well, that’s in case we find any… woodworm.

Cassandra: Somehow I don’t see this ending well for them.

Trojan solider: Now that’s the first thing you’ve got right.

Cassandra: <sigh>

Speech-wrecker (Part 9) - Mercorabilia

Another contination of the twist on the speech-wrecker theme today - this time focusing on Achilles speech in Troy.

Achilles: Myrmidons, my men with swords. I’d rather fight beside you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want you attacking me right now. Let no man forget how scary we can make ourselves look, like lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond that beach? Certain death and an excruciating amount of pain! Take it, it’s yours!”

Speech-wrecker sketch - Mercorabilia

I’m probably alone in this but there have been several occasions where there’s been what supposed to be a really stirring speech in a film etc and I’m left thinking ‘Well I’m not convinced’ and it got me wondering what those scenes would be like if someone with my cynical standpoint was in those scenes to offer their ‘helpful’ perspectives.

Achilles: “Myrmidons, my brothers of the sword. I’d rather fight beside you than any army of thousands. Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!”

Soldier: Seriously? Don’t you mean certain death? Have you forgotten that what’s actually there waiting beyond that beach is several thousand Trojan soldiers wanting to hack us to bits for trying to invade their country. How on earth could you define that as ‘immortality’? More like insanity. And you really think we’re lions? A bunch of scared stiff blokes in metal outfits with metal sticks planning to run screaming hysterically at a bunch of other blokes covered in metal and pointing very sharp sticks at us. I think we could only be called lions if said lions had had their brains removed.

And of course you’d rather fight beside us – I mean where are you going to find yourself another army at this late stage? It’s either us or on your own…which actually sounds like a bloody good idea considering you haven’t actually needed us so far to win the battles. So, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll leave it thanks. What time’s the next boat back to Greece?