Cabin Pressure rap (Pt 2) - !!!NEW!!!

I was listening to Cabin Pressure (again) on my recent trip to Scotland and, remembering the piece I'd previously penned, thought it deserved an update. So here we are:

Airplanes still not by B.O.B

Listener:
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now 

Carolyn:
Well, I could not have thought or hoped or prayed or wished
For something to have happened much stranger than this
'Cause after all the worrying bout spending and crashing
Things worked out in peculiar fashion
Despite the pandemonium we got Gerti back
Plus the company account is in the black
And now I’m staring at this ring on my hand
That was happily given to me by my new man
Arthur:
I said that we should always hold on
I got a new dad and the old one’s gone
So glad that to him Gerti wasn’t sold
As it turned out she’s worth her weight in gold
The airplane, airplane so brilliant
And flying on it’s still all I want
Martin’s moved home now and Douglas is Skip
But I still can’t wait until we go on our next trip 

Listener:
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

Martin:
Oh, oh, can you just believe it? Oh my days
I now have a real job, and also get paid
But yet it doesn’t matter what I have in my bank
(Which is stocked by the good people at the Swiss Airways)
‘Cause I at long last completed my bobsled and
None other than a princess now shares my bed and
I guess that I finally got my wish to fly an airplane
Douglas:
And maybe, yes maybe, I got back to the days
Before my escapades made me so unemployed
And I took a lower job just to help fill the void
In an airplane that is more broken by the day
But it’s not really that bad, is it Mrs… Shappey
At last I got my wish to end the daily slog
And get what I wanted when I started this job
Got promoted and now I’m the Captain
And I’m teaching Hercules how to fly this airplane 

Listener:
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are OJS Air
That would really be my wish right now, wish right now, wish right now 

Fans:
That would really be our wish right now
That, that, that would really be our wish right now
Like, like, OJS Air
That, That, That would, that would really be our wish right now
Our wish, our wish right now

Cabin (Pressure) Fever - !!!NEW!!!

I was fortunate enough to attend John Finnemore's Flying Visit to Brighton on Thursday and it's inspired me to pen a new Cabin Pressure-themed song.

Cabin (Pressure) Fever not by The Muppets
It’s been 10 years since it first started

4 years since we had a show

It’s true – I am addicted. I love Cabin Pressure!

I love it too!

I love Cabin Pressure so much I cannot say
I love Cabin Pressure it always makes my day
We love Cabin Pressure, for us there is no other
Don’t say there’s one, that is more fun, it’s just not worth the bother

Finnemore!
We want, we want more
Yes - we want, we want, more - more shows
We want, we want more
Yes - we want, we want, more - more shows

We love Cabin Pressure - ev’ry single minute
We love Cabin Pressure – wish we were in it

Can you smell smoke in the flightdeck
Might need a fire truck
Microwave wine to save some time
Mind the sugar brick
Otters (to the) left, Otters (to the) right
We love those little guys
Don’t ask what is in the rice
It spoils the surprise

We love Cabin Pressure – no way we’ll recant
It’s so inspiring and inventive and it’s brilliant!

Regardez vous le bear polar
(Golf-tango-india)
Shout Hey Chief and find the lemon
Look – a yellow car!
(Golf-tango-india)

We were list-ning, list-ning- every single time
It was sublime

I love Cabin Pressure
It always had me gripped
Sometimes I find I dream that
There is another script
Wow!

They could take me from Abu Dhabi
On to Ottery St Mary
We’d go by Helsinki

Cabin Pressure has all us in its thrall
So sad to think it might gone we can’t function at all
We were list-ning, list-ning to MJN Air
And now that it’s not here
We're not all there!

Cabin Pressure – yeah!

MJN Air Alphabet - !!!NEW!!!

On one of my trawls through the internet I happened upon a parody that had been written of the Misogynist’s Alphabet - as performed by Philip Quast - which had, rather aptly been adapted for Inspector Javert (and can be found here) so I decided to do my own Cabin Pressure themed parody:

Cabin Pressure fans take heed
This is how you can now learn your A B Cs...

A is for Abu Dhabi with the Sheikh’s cat.
B is for Boston - watch Leeman fall flat.
C is for Cremona with Hester and Art.
D is for Douz – don’t let Martin start.
E is for Edinburgh ‘cause it's Birling Day.
F is for Fitton where you have to stay.
G is for Gdansk – the orchestra’s set.
And that’s how we begin the MJN Air alphabet.

H is for Helsinki where you’ve Ruth in tow.
I is for Ipswich when Arthur must go.
J is for Johannesburg - won’t get far.
K is for Kuala Lumpur and bar
L is for Limerick - what is in the box?
M is for Molokai and (a) Christmas sock
N is for Newcastle – a job to get.
And thus we carry on the MJN Air alphabet.

O! – St Mary
Imagine all the otters - so hairy!
Talisker and polar bears we don’t lack,
Trav’lling to Paris (or) Qiki-tarry-jack.
Rotterdam then
Saint Petersburg - will Gerti fly again?

T is for Timbuktu but just where is that?
U is for Uskerty - bring a sheep back.
V is for Vaduz - Princess finds her man.
After Vaduz, we get Wokingham!
X is for Xinzhou where the crew all must stay.
Y is for Yverdon-Les-Bains - don’t say.
Z is for Zurich you hear and regret.
‘Cause that’s how we conclude the MJN Air alphabet.

I Am The Only Captain Of A Small Charter Firm Airdot - !!!NEW!!!

Returning to an old favourite today - that wonderful radio series Cabin Pressure. And this time combining the tale of MJN's Supreme Commander with a tune from the Pirates of Penzance to create... the Pilot of Penzance?

The Major-General's Song The Airline Captain's Song not by Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Yet they think it's Douglas because he has something I have not

I know all of the manual and yet I don’t receive a salary

Because to be a pilot is what I always wanted to be

I’m very well acquainted too with unprofessionality

Can’t understand why Douglas seems to enjoy making fun of me

He seems to get such fun from winding me up and goading me along

And I never even wanted to play the travelling lemon

I'm very good at fending off all contributory suggestions;

I know all of the answers to safety procedure questions:

I’ll make sure all of the passengers know who's in charge of all this lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

I wanted to be a pilot, since I was only six years old;

My dad couldn’t understand, why I wouldn’t do as I was told,

He thought it would be much better if I became an electrician,

But I was determined to follow my own chosen profession;

I know it took me several goes for me to get my CPL,

But in my spare time I practice my skills on the flight sim as well

This might seem strange for somebody who spends their day flying a plane,

But as it doesn’t come natural it’s what I must do to train.

I tell my fam’ly of my job to make me sound like a big man,

But don’t say I really make a living from driving Dad’s old van:

Though Cat may be a warden and Simon an admin that’s their lot,

I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot.

I’ve seen and done so much during all my time flying with MJN,

And even landed the plane when a stray goose took out our engine,

I dated a young girl who introduced me to the royal scene,

(I think that this now means that I can say I have a bobsled team)

I haven’t finished learning and there’s still a long way yet to go,

And I won’t be discouraged although the endeavour might be slow

In short, when I've achieved the rank and status that I seek to glean–

You'll say that a better Air-er-dot Captain you have never seen.

It seems I’m always questioned, on what I know of aviationry,

Yes I know my first officer has more experience than me;

But I’ll put up with all the ways he thinks of as that's all he's got
I am the only captain of a small charter firm air-er-dot

Cabin Pressure rap - !!!NEW!!!

I saw a brilliant meme the other day that intermixed the hit by B.O.B. with Cabin Pressure as ‘Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are MJN Air. So I decided to take it a bit further and create a full parody song starring Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, Arthur Shappey, Martin Crieff and Douglas Richardson. 

Airplanes not by B.O.B.

Listener:    

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Carolyn:    

Yeah, I could use a hand or maybe a suggestion
To get out of the crew’s latest devastation
'Cause after all the flyin’ there’ll be smashin' and crashin'
Whether from geese or ruin it’s their fashion

And all the pandemonium and all the madness
That comes in time - you can bet on their badness
And I sit starin' at that phone in the room
And I’m hopin' that more people wanna use us soon

Arthur:      

But that's just how the way that things go
We’ll get another job soon - never let go
The fun we’ve had on tarmac and on sand
Would you give it up if you had the chance?

The airplane, airplane, it’s brilliant
Flying all day it’s all that I want
So don't you worry ‘cause it’ll be all right
And we'll be right back on it by the end of the night

Listener:    

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Martin:      

Can somebody show me another way?
I need a better job, I need to get paid
Because it always matters what I have in my bank
Yeah, but then I am tryin' to get ahead in airways

And that’s why I took this job for the hell of it
But even though I’m Captain I get no respect
I'm hopin’ that I can still make a career out of airplanes

Douglas:   

Please let me, oh, please let me go back to the days

Before the transgression that got me the oot-bay
And back when ain't nobody questioned all that I say
And back before I tried to cover up my crime
But now it’s all too late, what's up, Arthur Shappey

So back I go to work with my new family
And back to the job to pay alimony
Yes here I am, and that’s why I say
I'm hopin' I can find a way soon out of this plane

Listener:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Fans:

That would really be my wish right now
That that that would really be my wish right now

Like MJN Air

That would really be my wish right now
My wish, my wish right now

And for those who are interested, here’s how I’d choreograph the music video:

Listener (on tarmac at airfield spinning round with arms in air and headphones on)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Carolyn (in office updating records)
Yeah, I could use a hand or maybe a suggestion
To get out of the crew’s latest devastation (gestures to paperwork)
'Cause after all the flyin’ there’ll be smashin' and crashin'
Whether from geese or ruin it’s their fashion
Puts pen down
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
That comes in time - you can bet on their badness
Leans on hand with elbow on desk
And I sit starin' at that phone in the room
And I’m hopin' that more people wanna use us soon
Arthur (comes up beside her)                   
But that's just how the way that things go (shrug shoulders)
We’ll get another job soon- never let go (throw arms forward)
The fun we’ve had on tarmac and on sand (counts them off)
Would you give it up if you had the chance? (hand to chin)
(Gesturing out of window)
The airplane, airplane, it’s brilliant
Flying all dayit’s all that I want (airplane impression)
So don't you worry ‘cause it’ll be all right (goes back to her)
And we'll be right back on it by the end of the night (clicks fingers and leaves)

Listener (on tarmac at airfield - closer shot )
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Martin in flight deck doing his log book 
Can somebody show me another way?
Closes book
I need a better job, I need to get paid
Because it always matters what I have in my bank
Leans back in seat
Yeah, but then I am tryin' to get ahead in airways
Leans forward on control column
And that’s why I took this job for the thrill of it
But even though I’m Captain I get no respect
Gestures to his hat
I'm hopin that I can still make a career out of airplanes
Douglas in aisle         
Please let me, oh, please let me go back to the days
Starts walking along aisle
Before the transgression that got me the oot-bay
And back when ain't nobody questioned all that I say
And back before I tried to cover up my crime
But now it’s all too late, what's up, Arthur Shappey
Arthur smiles in greeting as Douglas passes him
(alternatively  it’s John Finnemore who acknowledges the greeting and then looks confused to be called Arthur)
So back I go to work with my new family
Enters the flight deck
And back to the job to pay alimony
Sits down and straps himself in
Yes here I am, and that’s why I say
I'm hopin' I can find a way soon out of this plane
He and Martin pull back on gearstick

Listener (on tarmac at airfield - close-up)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Fans (Assembled en masse in airfield)
That would really be my wish right now
That, that, that would really be my wish right now
MJN Air
Our wish, our wish right now
Shot of GERTI flying overhead

Cabin Pressure-opoly (!!!NEW!!!)

If you go down to the BBC

You’ll find it allays your fears

If you go down to the BBC

You’ll never believe your ears

For all the crew of MJN Air

In February are gathering there

To record the last Cabin Pressure epi-sode

 

Ok – so this is a shameless plug for the newly completed final version of my Cabin Pressure-opoly board game which can be found here:

https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B4MfuToQ7J4lQVhKU1paejJvYWs&usp=sharing

If you’re a Cabin Pressure fan, please check it out or, if you’re not a Cabin Pressure fan, check it out anyway and if you’re wondering what it’s all about try this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0Suajh_hMw

Cabin (Pressure) Fever

Another one-off Saturday Special.  
Aside from creating my own unique version of Cabin Pressure-opoly (photos here), I decided to pen a few little ditties (or episode summaries) for one of my favourite radio shows.
(Btw, if you haven't heard Cabin Pressure before - why not?!? There are some excellent taster clips that can be found on YouTube.)

A
Pussy cat, pussy cat - where did you go?
Up in an airplane - didn't you know?
Pussy cat, pussy cat - what did you do?
I froze half to death - my whiskers turned blue

B
Gerti's burning, Gerti's burning
In the toilet, in the toilet
Fire, fire! Fire, fire!
Call on Arthur, Call on Arthur
He'll see to it, overdo it

C
When you've got booked rooms of state
But can't afford the rate - that's Cremona
When there's film stars to schmooz
And a fan club to lose - that's Cremona
When you're stuck for a plan
But know douglas can help
Martin-a
Don't be slow
Cause you know
That on the radio
That's Cremona

D
What a kerfuffle
(Not a soft shoe shuffle)
The crew are stranded at Douz
They've no fuel to fly on
So they must rely on
Douglas to find some to use

E
Mr Birling's coming today
Mr Birling's coming - hooray!
Maybe he'll give us lots of money
So long as he doesn't drink too much whisky

F
Martin has got his hat on
But why I couldn't say
Martin has got his hat on
Though we're in Fitton today
It suits him very nicely
And is handy you see
The passengers are happy
When the captain's hat they see

G
Sleepy - a dwarf, a ti-red dwarf
Dopey - a dwarf who's not too bright
Happy - a dwarf who always smiles
Grumpy - a dwarf not feeling right
Sneezy - a dwarf with hayfever
Bashful - a dwarf who's oh so shy
Doc - a dwarf who leads them all
Which brings us to Snow White!

H
My sister's decided it
She won't be denied it
And to Helsinki we'll go
The risks Doug’s been taking
The cake Art's been baking
Are sure to cause quite a show

I
The crew put their hoods on and went in to find
A dummy that's called Adrian
But Martin got dizzy because Arthur's silly
So both were pulled out again

J
Thou shalt have a fishie on a little dishie
Thou shalt have a fishie when the plane is gone
Cause Douglas' new trick made a large sugar brick
And now he has served it - cooked not overdone

K
Douglas had a secret bar
That young Martin found
He was going to tell but
They liked him around
He nearly blew the whistle
On them all but then
Douglas saved the day
And Carolyn came back again

L (or as they say in Limerick)
They're flying in Gerti today
The cargo is safer this way
F is not Tango
Doug wants to fly low
And Arthur is guessing away

M
Get dressed you merry gentleman
There's plenty to dismay
Cause you must fly an aeroplane
For all of Christmas day
And Carolyn is coming too
Be careful what you say
Cause the Russian's called her a baboushka, baboushka
Yes the Russian's called her a baboushka

N
Herc & Linda hitched a free ride
Martin's excitement he could not hide
To ask for a job or ask for a date
He chose work but didn't change his fate

O
Douglas, Douglas, captain's hat-less
How do you fair this day?
I said I would go
And move a piano
But the keys have now gone away

P
Mrs Knapp-Shappey
Was perfectly happy
To buy whisky for Birling
But up in the air
There's no whisky there
Cause Doug always has to win

Q
Nancy Dean-Liebhart’s hitching a lift
Of Douglas’ game she soon gets the drift
Martin hopes she’ll think he’s the best
But to do so a lemon he needs to divest

R
Big Martin, Little Martin
Douglas vs Herc
Dressed in a life jacket
Showing how it works

S
If I had an airplane
And it wouldn't fly
Do you think I'd sell it
By and by
I'd put it in a hangar
For my ex to see
Then when he had fixed it
I'd take it back with me

T
It's Birling Day today
But aboard they must stray
Cos he's fallen out with his wife
There's no camels nearby
And Arthur just can't lie
Which causes all sorts of strife

U
Bought a dead sheep
For my Herc's birthday
But the cabs send us away
So Martin climbed up a tree
Before he found he was now
Goose 23

V
I had a cadet medal
A Millennium Star
Douglas thought it funny
But I had the last laugh
The King of Vaduz' sister
Said she'd like to see
Around Duxford Air Museum
With my star and me

W
Martin's mum or Mrs Skip
To hospital took a trip
Mart & Cat came to see her
Which confused the poor doctor
Simon then appeared at last
Scaring all with his moustache

X
The crew are stuck in Xinzhou because of Art's snowman
They thought it would help them - it was a cunning plan
But then they were grounded and must stay on board
Carolyn's just wants to sleep but Doug is getting bored
Doug wants to play a new game
For Arthur it's too fast
So he thinks up his own one
But finds it doesn't last
Martin works out a new rule
To help the game along
And eventually Carolyn will join in with the song

Y
Martin had an interview
About it he did stress
And Doug found out with Herc about
Arthur's soon in distress