From The Mind of Merc - Disney

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about Disney and the ridiculous ideals they have of women's figures.

I know this has been done before but this is my attempt to 'improve' the waistline of Disney's princesses by expanding them ever so slightly.

You might not think there's much difference, or even question whether I changed them at all.
Now take a look at the original image:

Now compare the two and ask yourself - How is that a healthy image to communicate to children?

(You may also have noticed that Mulan's figure does not change between the images - this is simply to highlight my point)

Sapphire City Sequel sketch - Mercorabilia

I will admit that this sketch is a bit cheeky as it's written as a direct follow-on to a sketch that John Finnemore wrote for his Souvenir programme. I don't know if it has an official name but I've always referred to it as the Sapphire City sketch and it is hilariously funny - hence the desire to continue it. 
So if you ever stumble across this, Mr. Finnemore, I would just like to say - very sorry, huge fan.

Guard A: Stop it! He can see how many doors there are, you idiots! Now he knows you two both lie at least sometimes so I must always tell the truth.
Traveller 1: Oh, really? Which door leads to the city?
Guard A: Oh, bloody hell, that one.
Traveller 1: Thanks.
Guard A: No! Wait! Not that one!
<Sound of a tiger roaring and gunshots>
Traveller 1: Ahhhhh!
Guard A: Hmm – so I told the truth and they still picked the wrong door. 
Guard B: No – they must have known exactly which door you were pointing to.
Guard A: That’s never happened before.
Guard B: Yes – yes it has - that’s always happened before.
Guard A: I wonder if it would happen again.
Guard B: I seriously doubt it and don’t think you should.
Guard A: Alright I will.
<Fanfare>
Guard A: Halt traveller. In your quest to reach the Sapphire City you must now pass this test. Before you are two doors – behind one lies the path you seek. Behind the other a tiger with a gun. In front of each door is a guard – one always lies, one always tells the truth. But to aid you in your quest I can tell you that I always speak the truth.
Traveller 2: Which door is it?
Guard A: One of those.
Traveller 2: Could you be a little more specific?
Guard A: (disappointed pause) Yes, I could
Traveller 2: Oh, then will you?
Guard A: (happier) No, I won’t
Traveller 2: Oh. Hello, what do you do?
Guard B: I’m like him I always tell the truth.
Guard A: No, she doesn’t - she always lies.
Traveller 2: Oh, in that case – is this the door that leads to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: (after a pause) …Maybe.
Traveller 2: Ok – if I asked him which door leads to the City what would he say?
Guard B: (with a sigh) He’d say this one.
Traveller 2: Thanks very much.
<Sound of door opening and closing>
Guard A: Hmm. Well, that didn’t work.
Guard B: Yes, it did. It worked brilliantly and I think you should do it again.
Guard A: Yeah – maybe it should go back to how it was before.
Traveller 3: Hello.
Guard A: Ah, halt traveller….
Traveller 3: Ah yes – I’ve seen this before. Which door would he say is the way to the Sapphire City?
Guard B: This one.
Traveller 3: Thanks.
Guard A: Then again…

(You may have noticed that the third guard who was causing all the problems in the original sketch has mysteriously disappeared. Maybe they did him in, maybe he was a figment of their imagination, maybe he's just wandered off, or maybe for convenience sake he just didn't fit into the sketch sequel - we shall never know)

Circle of Love - !!!NEW!!!

For those who don't have a significant other to share Valentine's Day with - just remember you are never alone and you are always loved

The Circle of Life The Circle of Love not by Disney

From the day we arrive in our family

And meet the people closest to us

We learn to care, to give and to share

Learn who are the ones we can trust

There's so much more for us to do

Than we can ever contemplate now

But we’ll keep going on 

Though the journey is long

With the help of the ones we have found

It's the Circle of Love

And it heals us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and toil

Helps us on our way

On the path we travel

It’s the Circle

The Circle of Love

Jean Gaston - !!!NEW!!!

This entry was inspired by a comment I saw on a post on tumblr in which a Disney song was combined with a noted French musical. I expanded on this premise to create the following,

Gaston Valjean not by Disney

Javert:

Don't get too confident will you, Valjean

No-one from their parole jumps
Never think you have won will you, Valjean
Even when you come up trumps
There's no man in town I will follow like you
I won't just let bygones go by
Won't be a more hunted fellow than you,
And I know you know exactly why
No one's slick as Valjean
No one's quick as Valjean
No one looks like the mayor half as much as Valjean
For there's no man in town half as speedy

Blink and then you'll find he's gone!
Although he comes to the aid of the needy
You'll find no-one can say from which town he is from

Javert and Chorus:

No one's said of Valjean
That he's dead not Valjean

Javert:

No one's light on his feet in the street like Valjean

Valjean:

As a fugitive, yes, I'm infuriating!

Javert and Chorus:

My what a con, that Valjean!

Ev'ryone's friend

Heard from their lips

Javert:

Valjean is the best
And Javert is the pits!

Chorus:

No one flees like Valjean
With such ease like Valjean

Javert:

In a pinch no-one escapes cities like Valjean

Cosette:

Oh there's no one I trust so completely

Valjean:

Promised Fantine of you I'd take care

Javert:

Now you've got to both hide so discreetly

Valjean:

That's right!
And where we have been you will find not one hair

Chorus:

No one flits like Valjean
Matches wits like Valjean

Javert:

When he's hunted then nobody quits like Valjean

Valjean:

I'm especially good at evaporating!
Kazaam!

Chorus:

We can't find Valjean!

Valjean:

When I was in jail I was famed for my strength
And it's helped me with my escape plans
But now that I'm free I can't hide it away
So I lifted a cart off a man!

Chorus:

Oh, ahhh, wow!

My what a con, that Vajean!
No one runs like Valjean
Hides with nuns like Valjean

Javert:

Then risks getting killed shooting guns like Valjean

Valjean:

I use sewers in all my evacuating!

Chorus:

My what a con,
Valjean!

The Gas Tap Won't Turn - !!!NEW!!!

After all the fun I had creating a Cabin Pressure version of 'There's a Hole in my Bucket' I decided to do it again this time using a classic comedy song by the classic comedy songsters - Flanders and Swann

The Gasman Cometh The Gas Tap Won't Turn not by Flanders and Swann

The gas tap won’t turn, dear Donald, dear Donald

The gas tap won’t turn, dear Donald

Won’t turn

Call the gasman, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

Call the gasman, dear Michael, dear Michael

Gasman

He’s pulled out the skirting boards, dear Donald, dear Donald

He’s pulled out the skirting boards, dear Donald

What a mess

Call the carpenter, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

Call the carpenter, dear Michael, dear Michael

Carpenter

He’s nailed through a cable, dear Donald, dear Donald

He’s nailed through a cable, dear Donald

No lights

Call the sparky*, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

Call the sparky, dear Michael, dear Michael

Sparky

He’s broken a window, dear Donald, dear Donald

He’s broken a window, dear Donald

That twit

Call the glazier, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

Call the glazier, dear Michael, dear Michael

Glazier

He’s messed up the wall, dear Donald, dear Donald

He’s messed up the wall, dear Donald

Look at it

Call the painter, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

Call the painter, dear Michael, dear Michael

Painter

He’s spilt quite a lot, dear Donald, dear Donald

He's spilt quite a lot, dear Donald

Oh no

What's the problem, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael

What's the problem, dear Michael, dear Michael

Problem?

The gas tap won’t turn, dear Donald, dear Donald

The gas tap won’t turn, dear Donald

Won’t turn

(Ok - so I cheated a bit here using the Aussie term for an electrician but you've got to admit it scans better. And they did tour in Oz.)

From the Mind of Merc - Time

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Ironically, given the topic of my current musings I ran out of 'time' to fully develop what I was thinking (but I'll give it a go).

One thing that I find remarkable is the way in which human beings seem to possess the ability to make sense out of chaos.

Put on this teeny tiny planet in the middle of nowhere yet we create something called ‘civilisation’ – we make something out of nothing – we build homes and not only that but we work on developing these homes. We set up systems for measuring our existence in chunks of what we call time and we give them names – seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years.

However, the bureaucracy inherent in our self-imposed system seems determined to turn this against us to the effect that the results of our ingenious creations can increasingly be seen to be the enemy of common sense.

We have set up this ingenious idea of time but yet this is used in such a way that it affects our health or impacts on us in a negative way to the detriment of our own lives. It is imposed on us in a way that produces stress and has a negative effect on our health. We face deadlines, set timetables, give ultimatums, set time limits – basically confine and restrict ourselves to following a nerve-wracking, panic-inducing set of appointments and timings making us miserable, stressed, unfulfilled and generally failing to appreciate just how amazing we and life can actually be.

The only motivation in the way of time should be a sense of our own mortality – the need to accomplish our desired tasks or acquire our desired skills while we still are able – not deadlines enforced on us by contrived guidelines and particularly not by those who would not endure them themselves.

Life is for living – not for wasting or ‘enduring’ and ultimately the ludicrousness of this and the effect it has on our system can be most adequately expressed by the late, great Dave Allen:

“We live our life to the clock – you wake to the clock, you got to work to the clock, you clock into the clock, you clock out to the clock, you come home to the clock, you eat to the clock, you drink to the clock, you go to bed to the clock, you get up to the clock, you go back to work to the clock. You do that for 40 years of your life, you retire, what do they f---ing give you? A clock!”

Petrol Prices sketch - Newsreview

I've managed to find another sketch I wrote for, but didn't submit to, Newsjack.
(One of the reasons I didn't submit it the condensed format in which I would need to send it which I felt impacted the comedy)

Intro: Petrol prices continue to rise – if they keep going up, how long before we face a scenario like this?

Customer: Pump no. 4, please

Vendor: Very good, sir – if you’d just like to sign here.

Customer: What is it?

Vendor: A mortgage application form – standard issue on all petrol purchases these days

Customer: What are the terms?

Vendor: Simple guarantee - usual collateral

Customer: What’s this? Forfeit the right to two limbs?

Vendor: Yes sir – your standard ‘Arm and a leg’ clause. Or we’re offering a very good deal on our new ‘Slavery Agreement’

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol

Vendor: Yes, sir. I know, sir. And as soon as you’ve signed your life away on one these forms the sooner you’ll have it.

Customer: Oh very well. 

(sound of scribbling) 

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: A tip?

This in itself is a condensed version of the sketch - the original draft ended like this:

Customer: Look - all I wanted was some petrol. I can’t afford this!

Vendor: Well, I suppose you could always hold me up.

Customer: Yes. Good idea – stick ‘em up your money or your-

(gunshot)

Customer: You shot me!

Vendor: Yes, sir – standard shoplifter practice if you’ll just look at this sign here.

Customer: Shoplifters will be … Well, what should I do now?

Vendor: Well, sir, the usual drill is to lie on the floor bleeding while awaiting the ambulance.

Customer: Yes, that sounds doable. Well, go on then - phone the ambulance.

Vendor: Yes, sir.

Customer: What are you holding your hand out for?

Vendor: These phone calls don’t come cheap, sir. Do you think I can afford one on my salary?

Name of the Game sketch - Mercorabilia

A brand new sketch today - first of 2015 - hope you enjoy it!

Sergeant: Many of you will never have faced anything like this and the course we must take will not be easy. First you must traverse the bending bridge to reach the airlift that is waiting for you on the either side. You will then be taken round to the second bridge – the walls of which will seem to part as you cross. You will then traverse the rickety platform which will lead you to the geysers which will project you into the air until you make your way into the maze. Once through you will be picked up and taken around to the catapult for your final assault on the summit known as 'The Bell'. Some of you may not return but that's the name of the game and the name of the game is 'Screwball Scramble'.

Soldier A: Sir - if it's so dangerous why are we doing it?

Sergeant: Ours not to reason why – ours but to go and try. Anyone else?

Soldier B: Why can't the marbles do it?

Sergeant: (laughing) The marbles? They're too busy with their overgrown hamster run. Besides they're too big – they'd get stuck. No, it is left to us - we few, we happy few, we balls of bearing – for those who succeed today must keep their bearing. Ready? Then – go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

<Rattling and some cries as they fall off before an eventual ding>

Sergeant: Well done, soldier – you made it. How do you feel?

Soldier A: I'm sorry sir – I can't hear you – I've got this strange ringing in my ears.

There's A Hole In Your Plan - !!!NEW!!!

A bit of fun this one (and a reversion to my old favourite – the genius and highly enjoyable creation that is Cabin Pressure)

One of my favourite episodes is Ottery St Mary and the brief diatribe between Douglas and Arthur in their roles as men with a ven has always reminded me of a certain well-known children’s song…

There’s A Hole In My Bucket There’s A Hole In Your Plan not by Anon

We have no address,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

We have no address,

Dear Arthur - you clot

We can phone them

Dear Douglas, dear Douglas, dear Douglas

We can phone them, dear Douglas

Dear Douglas - phone them

On which number should we phone them?

Dear Arthur, Dear Arthur.

On which number should we phone them?

Dear Arthur - on which?

From Directory Enquiries

Dear Douglas, Dear Douglas

From Directory Enquiries

Dear Douglas - that’s how

And what shall we give them,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

And what shall we give them,

Dear Arthur – and what?

Well, the address

Dear Douglas, dear Douglas, dear Douglas

The address, dear Douglas

Dear Douglas - the address

We have no address,

Dear Arthur, dear Arthur

We have no address,
Dear Arthur - you clot!

I Just Feel Like Dancin' - !!!NEW!!!

Happy New Year! Hope you all had a fab 2014 and wishing you an even better 2015. I have to say that when it comes to celebrations...

I Don't Just Feel Like Dancin' not by Scissor Sisters

Wake up in the morning thinking “Where’s the music gone?'
The CDs reached the end and now I need another one
Show’rin’ brushin’ my hair, and then pull on my favourite gown
There’s no time for feeling lonely just get up and get down

So I bop along when I hear my favorite song
I don’t care if I don’t get it quite right
Don’t be alarmed when I’m swingin' 'round the room
‘Cause the magic's solely mine all right

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart will take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I can muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down woo hoo

Workday comes and workday goes and now the evening’s here
I get back home and change my clothes and give a little cheer
I got so many tunes to pick from simply can’t make up my mind
Don’t worry you’ll keep up it’s so easy you will find


Come on just pretend that you know which way to bend
‘Cause we’re gonna show the whole world that we’re fine
We’re feeling so grand come on let’s both clap our hands
If you stick around I'm sure that you'll be fine

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart will take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I could muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down with you

It’s such fun to dance around
But the quickstep makes my chest pound
Don’t let me down
Don’t you rush away until the morning light

‘Cause I just feel like dancin' when I hear the music play
My heart could take a chance and my two feet will find a way
I know that I could muster up a little shoe shuffle this way
‘Cause I just feel like dancin', yes sir, dancin' all the day

Just feel like dancin', dancin'
Can’t ever find somethin' better to do
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
There’s nothing better whene’er you’re feeling blue
Just feel like dancin', dancin'
(Don’t) wanna be home all alone just wanna get down with you