The Waitress and the Frog sketch - Mercorabilia

Today another alternative ending to a Disney classic. This time Tiana uses some common legal sense to prevent disappointment... and considerably shortens the running time of the film.

Tiana: Everything looks peachy-keen, Mr Fenner and Mr Fenner.

Mr Fenner 1: We’ll have all the paperwork ready to sign, first thing after Mardi Gras.

Tiana: I’ll do you one better. Why don’t we put something on paper now so you can’t go and signed the place out from under me.

Mr Fenner 1: Oh, well, I really don’t think that’s necessary…

Tiana: I insist.

Mr Fenner 2: You drive a hard bargain, Tiana.

(Mr Fenner pulls out a piece of paper and drafts a rough contract which he and Tiana both sign. Tiana then pulls the paper out from under them).

Tiana: Pleasure doing business with you.

Mr Fenner 1: Evening, Tiana. Marvellous party.
Tiana: Evening Mr Fenner. And Mr Fenner.
Mr Fenner 2: Fine smelling beignets.
Tiana: Going to be the house specialty once I get my place up and running.
Mr Fenner1 : Yes. About that.
Tiana: What?
Mr Fenner 1: We were wondering… A fellow came in, offered the full amount in cash. 
And we wondered if maybe…
Mr Fenner 2: You’d changed your mind about the place
Tiana: You know how long it took me to save that money?
Mr. Fenner 1: Exactly! Which is why a little woman of your background would have her hands 
full trying to run a big business like that. What do you say?
Tiana: I think not.
(The Messers Fenner exchange glances)
Mr Fenner 1: Are you sure about that?
Tiana: I’m sure.
Mr Fenner 1: Oh, well. No harm in asking.
Mr Fenner 2: Goodbye, Tiana. Love these beignets.
Tiana: Goodbye! What the- Stella!
(The over-excited dog leaps onto the table in pursuit of a frog, causing it to collapse 
– covering Tiana in mess).
Charlotte (approaching): Tia! Time to hit Prince Charming with those man-catching… 
(She sees Tiana) What happened?
Tiana: I… I just…
Charlotte: You poor dear. Oh, Prince Naveen, we’ll be right back, sugar! I got just the dress for you.
(Charlotte helps Tiana upstairs, cleans her up and puts her in a posh dress).
Charlotte: Well, back into the fray. Wish me luck! Oh, Naveen…
(Tiana is about to follow when she spots a frog sat on the dressing table).
Tiana: So what now? I reckon you want a kiss?
Naveen: Kissing would be nice, yes?
(Tiana screams and backs away hurriedly)
Naveen: I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I did not mean to scare you. Allow me to introduce myself. 
I am Prince Naveen (Tiana hits him with a book) of Maldonia.
Tiana: Yeah, right!
Naveen: Seriously. All I know is one minute I am a prince, charming and handsome, cutting a rug, 
and the next thing I know, I am tripping over these (indicates his webbed feet).
Tiana: So you’re a Frog Prince?
Naveen: Yes, yes, yes! That is exactly the answer! You must kiss me.
Tiana: Look, I’m sorry. I’d really like to help you, but I just do not kiss frogs.
Naveen: But you must kiss me. Look, besides being unbelievably handsome, okay, I also happen to
come from a fabulously wealthy family. Surely I could offer you some type of reward, a wish I could
grant perhaps? Yes?
Tiana: No, thanks. I’m good. Bye!
Naveen: But! 
(Tiana is gone)
Naveen: Now what?
(Naveen hears the commotion outside and looks out. He sees Charlotte dancing with the fake version
of himself while her father watches in his laurel wreath which in Naveen’s eyes turns into a crown)
NAVEEN: Aha! The King of Mardi Gras. Which makes his daughter a princess!
(He hops down and waits for the fake Prince to go get the couple a drink)
NAVEEN: Miss La Bouff! Please, down here! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the real Prince Naveen!
(Charlotte hits him with a book) Of Maldonia.
CHARLOTTE: (GASPS) Did you say "Prince"?
(Naveen explains his predicament)
CHARLOTTE: Goodness gracious. This is so much to absorb. Let me see if I got this right. If I kiss you, 
you will turn human again? And then we're gonna get ourselves married and live happily ever after, the end!
NAVEEN: Yup.
CHARLOTTE: Ok.
(Charlotte kisses Naveen. He is restored to human form. Laurence and Facilier are exposed and attempt 
to make a run for it but are apprehended. Naveen and Charlotte turn to each other).
CHARLOTTE: My prince.
NAVEEN: My princess.
(They kiss again – their clothes transforming into wedding attire – while their guests including Tiana 
and her mother watch and cheer).
TIANA: Come on everybody! Back to mine for the reception!
(Everyone follows Tiana back to ‘Tiana’s Place’ which is finished and open. Tiana bows to her friend 
and her new husband as they enter – they both bow back. The door swings shut behind Tiana.)

The Alternative Mermaid sketch - Mercorabilia

Today I thought I'd put pen to paper (or rather finger to keyboard) to write up the alternative ending to Disney's The Little Mermaid that I'd previously come across. It's so simple! And obvious! Although it would have condensed the film quite considerably.
This much in fact:

Ursula: Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know.

Ariel: But I don't have any -

Ursula: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is . . . your voice.

Ariel: My voice?

Ursula: You've got it, sweetcakes. No more talking, singing, zip.

Ariel: But without my voice, how can I -

Ursula: You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha!
[singing] The men-

Ariel: Alright - deal.

Ursula: Do you mind? I was in the middle of my favourite number!

Ariel: Well, I do have a prince to catch.

Ursula: Fair enough. Sign here.

Ariel signs contract with faint smile on her lips.
Ursula: Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea.
Now rings us glossitis and max laryngitis,
La voce to me!
Now . . . sing!

Ariel: [Sings.]

Ursula: Keep singing! 

Giant magical hands rip out Ariel's voice and take it to Ursula who stores it in her shell necklace. She laughs as Ariel is changed into a human and rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.

Fade to beach. Eric and Max are walking near castle.

Eric: [Playing flute.] That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? 

Max smells Ariel and gets excited.

Eric: Max? Huh . . . what, Max!

Max chases Ariel up onto a rock.

Eric: Max . . . Max - Quiet Max! What's gotten into you fella? [Sees Ariel.] Oh . . . Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - . . . you . . . seem very familiar . . . to me. Have we met?

Ariel nods

Eric: We have met? I knew it! You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? 

Ariel mouths "Ariel" but no words come out.

Eric: What's wrong? What is it? You can't speak? 

Ariel shrugs.

Eric: Oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. 

Ariel is trying to get his attention and mimes writing on her hand.

Eric: What is it? You want… you want something to write on? O-ok. Give me a minute.

Eric ferrets through his pockets and pulls out a scrap of paper and a stub of pencil

Eric: Here you go.

Ariel grabs the proffered instruments and begins to scribble away as best she can while Eric watches bewildered. After a while Ariel appears to get frustrated - what she wants to say won’t fit on the paper. She angrily crosses out what she’s written, turns the paper over and tries again. Once finished, she hands the paper to Eric who reads aloud.

Eric: “I am the one who saved you from the shipwreck. If you kiss me, I can prove it.” Oh. Oh, cool. Well, if it’s alright with you, miss.

Ariel nods – yes, it’s definitely alright with her. Eric leans forward and the two of them kiss.

Deep under the sea, Ursula’s shell necklace begins to glow.

Ursula: What the-? It can’t be.

The shell explodes and Ariel’s voice bursts out of it – singing the tune Ariel sang as it was taken - and rises to the surface; evading Ursula’s attempts to recapture it. It bursts out of the waves and heads straight for Ariel. Eric seems to recognise it. The ball of light collides with Ariel’s throat and Ariel’s voice is restored. Eric is stunned.

Ariel: Eric.

Eric: It really is you.

Ariel: I told you so.

Eric: Will you marry me?

Ariel: Of course.

Cut to: Eric & Ariel’s wedding ship leaves port. The merfolk rise up to wave her off. Ursula appears above the waves a short distance

Ursula: That little tramp.

Triton, who is a floating in front of Ursula, turns and sees her. His expression darkens and he raises his trident.

Ursula: Oh sh-

Triton: Ursula, stop!

Triton fires his trident and Ursula explodes into pieces. Satisfied, Triton turns back to watch the ship sail away.

Disney Life Hacks #17 - Mulan

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Mulan shares another of her top tips:

Disney Life Hacks #16 - Ariel

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Ariel shares another of her top tips:

Disney Life Hacks #9 - Aurora

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Aurora from Sleeping Beauty shares her top tip:

Disney Life Hacks #8 - Rapunzel

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Rapunzel from Tangled shares her top tip:

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Richard III vs Macbeth

My third rap parody inspired by the brilliant Princess Rap Battles created by Whitney Avalon (the inspiration for this one can be found here). 

Princess Rap Battle – Maleficent vs Daenerys Shakespeare Rap Battle – Richard III vs Macbeth

[RICHARD III]
No doubt made the best of a bad situation
Was quite distressed to not receive at least an invitation
To my nephew’s coronation: Became their own ruination
And it wasn’t long before I ruled over the whole nation

[MACBETH]
I am Macbeth Findlaích, First of My Line
You can call me Your Majesty - that will be fine       ,
You’re insane bringing battle, you know I cannot be beat?
By challenging me you are heading for defeat

[RICHARD III]
You know, I am so impressed by all the carnage that you wreak
But think you should know you’re on a losing streak
Having killed the king, you then killed your dearest friend
Then learnt that your darling wife had just gone right round the bend
Well, at least you tried. For what that was worth
Cannot compete with me - the baddest on earth
Medieval evil who is regal, I’m tyrannical as well     
Evilest royalist who’s killin’ - dispatching my rivals to Hell

[MACBETH]
Oh, whatever King Dicky, you think you’re so bad?
You’re an Old English softy: you are really just sad
And what’s your obsession with those two young boys?
Even in my time that’s some question’ble joys
You can say that they are bastards as much as you like
But not everyone will believe that hype
And think that I stand no chance well you just wait
My reign was prophesised. And you can’t argue with fate

[RICHARD III]
You believe those witches? This is worse than I thought
You’d better start running for the hills before you get caught
You think you are immortal? That’s crazy. So cute
But you can’t pick out which bits of the prophecy suit
Think you’re so scary when you’re forced into carryin’
The weight of the crown and then you’re losin’ your honey then
You’ve no heir to carry on this forlorn path you started on
Before you know it you are gone and there’s nothing left but your swansong

[MACBETH]
Think you’re so powerful but not what you seem:
What kind of great tyrant gets destroyed by a dream?
Think you’ve loyal subjects? Take another look, Dick
They’re not. They’re just pretending. It’s all a trick
It’s over, death is what your fate will bring
Here’s the thing know this king is ending got nothing          
My course was predestined – something I could not stop
I started as a mere Thane and I ended on top

[RICHARD III]
You think that was bad? It’s not even close
I killed my kin for what I want most
You think you have won, but you’ll soon crash and burn
Want to know how it’s done just watch and learn

[MACBETH]
I’m The Ruler of Scotland, you can’t teach me!
I am the best - it’s my destiny
So back off my throne, ‘cause that vacancy’s filled

Or you’ll scream when you die like the last king I killed

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Ophelia vs Juliet

My second rap parody inspired by the brilliant Princess Rap Battles created by Whitney Avalon (the inspiration for this one can be found here). 

Princess Rap Battle – Snow White vs Elsa Shakespeare Rap Battle – Ophelia vs Juliet

JULIET:
It’s so sad and too bad that I have to explain
Why I am the best it just won’t sink into your brain
Got a play with a title named after me
The fact that you don’t makes my greatness easy to see
I’m the most famous heroine, you’re a bygone who is bygone
I am adored and admired because I truly found the one
I’m faithful and loyal, beautiful
I’m the best, beat the rest, you’re distressed, pitiful

OPHELIA:
I can’t believe you think you’re all that
Such a clueless ‘saint’ who is all too eager to lay down flat
You fell in love with the one man you should fight
And even with Laurence’s help couldn’t get that right (oh, no!)
Lost your head when he came on the scene
You’re clueless.

JULIET:

You’re lonely.

OPHELIA:

You’re a naive teen.
That fickle, rash Montague was an awful choice
But stubbornly you followed your own stupid voice

JULIET:
Um, you should know, that’s not stupid, that’s romantic
To be without my love would have made me frantic
Just  ‘cause you couldn’t get your man to stick around
Doesn’t mean your attitude’s the best to be found
You were foolish and deluded ‘cause you thought he loved you
Ended up in the river, where it’s so cold your lips turned blue
As for your flowers, that’s totally sad
Mumbling away for the love you never had
Does it really count as true love if your man turns you down?
His rejection made you the saddest in town

My heartfelt emotions sent me to heaven above
You’re just a crazy reject who nobody loves

OPHELIA:
Half right, I carried on without my love, at least I tried that game
Which means you’re weak compared to me, aw that is such a shame
And who drinks a potion you don’t know about? (Duh)
And who thinks a knife is their one way out?
I carried right on - I was not co-dependent
Found serenity through loss which made me transcendent
And, oh yes, losing my boy’s love hit me the hardest
I’m the calmest, the noblest, and by the way the smartest
‘Cause a lesson to learn, to which you so need a shove
Infat’ation and lust is not the same thing as love

Shakespeare Rap Battle - Benedick vs Beatrice

This is inspired by the Princess Rap Battles created by Whitney Avalon (if you haven't seen them, check them out - they are brilliant. The inspiration for this one can be found here).
This is my first rap parody. Next step to get it made as a music video (maybe I should ask Whitney for some advice).

Princess Rap Battle – Cinderella vs Belle Shakespeare Rap Battle - Benedick vs Beatrice

BENEDICK
Another dried-up lonely has-been come to decry her woes
No need to be morose that is just how love goes
I'm the legendary soldier of lots of battles
The women all adore me and flock to me like cattle (ha!)
Around me they hang while I just do my thang
Yes – all the ladies wanna be in my gang
I deserve a stipend for saving all my friends
From the clutches of women, all say amen
I have the best mentality, all you have’s abnormality
The name of your life story: The Pathetic Triviality
Of course you're bitter, I'm the best guy around
Got no baggage, avoid marriage, something you’ve never found

BEATRICE
Whatever! Dick! Don’t be mean? Feeble!
I'm the only one here with respect of the people
While I'm living my life you're sleeping with hoes
Don’t be misled ‘cause to your bed is not where I’ll go
Dicky’s dreaming he's so special, well, somebody should wake him
‘Cause round here everybody thinks he’s just a stupid cretin
Fear the super witty woman – no, I'm not giving in
To your sad attempts at humour – that would be a sin
Your misguided self image is stuck in the past
So adored, for your sword?  There’s no way that will last
You're shallow and obsessed with looks and how we're dressed
Do you think any girls care? (Ha!) More like distressed

BENEDICK
Oh, I'm the one who's boring? You know I find that so funny
My wits could beat you senseless - the truth hurts now don’t it, honey
Your jibes have no power, you're just a weak flower
Stay where you belong: in your iv’ry tower
I'm every women’s dream with a killer repartee
Just go and ask your friends oops forgot there’s none to see
When you first met me it was love at first sight
Couldn’t keep your hands off - you were mine before midnight

BEATRICE
Such a brief encounter that you think was a romance?
Sure wasn’t in love with your ‘manly’ stance
My dream guy wouldn’t e’er be so shallow
My very high standards are what you fall far below
You used to be young now you’re just old and past it
Make girls think you’ll go the night but there’s no way you’ll last it
You say you’re anti-romance, but we both know that’s not true
And out of the two of us the slowest one is you

BENEDICK
Oh, you think that's true? That’s so sad it makes me feel blue
If you believe you’re better a reality check is due
You got hung up on me - aw, that is just so sad
You should have known I'm not a one-woman lad

BEATRICE
You think you’re adored but you are really deplored
Everyone thinks the same because you just make them bored
The moral of our quarrel and why you should now rest
Men might think they’re powerful but women are the best

Disney Life Hacks #4 - Giselle

A continuation of my new Disney Life Hacks series - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Giselle shares her top tip:

(After all, who needs sleep?)

Disney Life Hacks #3 - Pocahontas

A continuation of my new Disney Life Hacks series - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Pocahontas shares her top tip:

(And here's Meeko in action)

Disney Life Hacks #2 - Mulan

A continuation of my new Disney Life Hacks series - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Mulan shares her top tip:

(Well, can you tell me another way she could have avoided this)

Disney Life Hacks #1 - The Little Mermaid

A new series to replace my 'Speech-wrecker' sketches - Disney Life Hacks - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today Ariel from The Little Mermaid shares her secret:

(Well, you tell me how she achieved it then without looking like this)

From The Mind of Merc - Merida & The Caramel Bunny

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the sexualisation of cartoon characters. Obviously this follows on from last month’s topic and yet again Disney has to take the top spot on this as not even its medieval maiden can escape unscathed. Despite the fact that the whole ethos of Princess Merida is that she doesn’t abide by conventions or focus/dwell on her appearance, prior to her induction as an Official Disney Princess the powers that be decided she needed a makeover. This was the result:

There was a huge amount of uproar in reaction to this and the image was hastily removed – an action of which Merida herself would no doubt have approved.

But it seems that it is not only Disney that is guilty of this as shown by the new design of the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny which emerged in 2009 (before and after shown below)

Is someone able to tell me what’s wrong with the old one? Because I’m struggling

From The Mind of Merc - Disney

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about Disney and the ridiculous ideals they have of women's figures.

I know this has been done before but this is my attempt to 'improve' the waistline of Disney's princesses by expanding them ever so slightly.

You might not think there's much difference, or even question whether I changed them at all.
Now take a look at the original image:

Now compare the two and ask yourself - How is that a healthy image to communicate to children?

(You may also have noticed that Mulan's figure does not change between the images - this is simply to highlight my point)