Disney Life Hacks #16 - Ariel

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Ariel shares another of her top tips:

Disney Life Hacks #1 - The Little Mermaid

A new series to replace my 'Speech-wrecker' sketches - Disney Life Hacks - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today Ariel from The Little Mermaid shares her secret:

(Well, you tell me how she achieved it then without looking like this)

She Had It Coming - !!!NEW!!!

A popular twist these days seems to be to take a traditional fairy tale and look at it from the villain's point of view - i.e. Maleficent, etc. So I thought I'd do the same using a song from a popular musical. 

(Animation) Cell Block Tango or She Had It Coming - not from Chicago 
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
She only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
Queen: I betcha you would have done the same!
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!
Ursula (Spoke):  You know how people have these prejudices that make no sense.
Like Triton. Triton was anti-women.
No, not women. Me.
So I’m banished to a cave just for wanting to help him rule, and I'm looking for a way of get back at him
And there's Ariel swimming into my home, asking for help to get Eric.
Yes, not Triton. But me.
So, I said to her, I said, "Of course dear just sign on this line..."
And she did.
So I took brought my cauldron up to boil and gave her the legs she wanted...
...and took her voice.
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
She only had herself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Tremaine (Spoke):    I knew Cinderella was a flighty girl from the day I’d met her
And when her dad died I made sure that she was kept busy all the day
And that’s when we got the invitation
We went to the ball, she stayed home, to fix up her dress, like a good girl.
And then I found out,
"Stay at home" she told me “Why would do that? “
Not only had she gone out
Oh, no, she’d won the prince.
Fairy godmothers, you know.
So that day, when the Duke came round to visit,
I made sure she wouldn’t interfere
You know, some girls just can't keep their noses out.
All: She had it coming
She had it coming
It’s the same story time after time
Cause they ignored us
Simply abhorred us
It wasn’t murder no more a crime!
All: Sign, stay, sleep, uh-uh Snow White, so soft
Maleficent (Spoke): Now, I'm sitting on the grand throne
Alone in my grand and darkened tower,
Minding my own business,
In come my guardsman and he’s got news to tell.
"The king’s holding a christening," he says.
How exciting
But then he went on, "but you’ve not been invited."
So then I cast a little spell.
I cast a little spell to make them pay.."
All: If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Elsa (Spoke): It’s just not fair, is it? I’ve had these powers ever since the very day I was born
It’s not like I wanted them.
My parents told me - hide them far away. So I did
Now Hans says I tried to murder Anna.
My sister
I tried to explain it wasn’t true but nobody believed me...
Maleficent (Spoke):    Yeah, but did you do it?
Elsa: Uh Uh, not guilty!
Queen: I knew when I married the king he was a double act
‘Cause his daughter, Snow White, always hung around with us.
Now, my most prized possession of all, was my mirror and it’s to this I would ask
Mirror, mirror on the wall – who’s the fairest of us all?
Well, this one day I got up from my bed,
I’d had a good sleep it was a sunny day outside
And I went to my mirror to ask it the question.
What came back, I couldn’t believe
‘Cause there was an image of a young girl
But surprisingly it’s not me
It was Snow White.
Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely freaked out over such a little thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was standing with her heart in my hands
I even thought she was dead.
She had it coming
She had it coming
She had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
Queen: She had it coming
All: She had it coming
Queen: She had it coming
All: She had it coming
Queen: She had it coming
All: It’s the same story
Queen: All along
All: Time after time
Queen: I didn't do it
All: Cause they ignored us
Queen: But if I'd done it
All: Simply abhorred us
Queen: How could you tell me
All: It wasn’t murder
Queen: That I was wrong?
All: No more a crime!
Cruella: I loved clothes and fashion more than I can possibly say.
They made me feel reassured...
comfortable... and secure.
So I was always trying to find the best.
I thought I’d found the answer in a new coat but that involved
Collecting dogs – Dalmatians – little puppies - for their coats.
I guess you can say things went wrong because of a difference of opinion.
Some thought they were better alive
And I thought better dead.
All: Of all the luck, luck, luck, luck, luck
What rotten luck, luck, luck, luck, luck
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it comin'
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it comin'
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: All along
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: All along
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: 'Cause they ignored us
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: 'Cause they ignored us
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: Simply abhorred us
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: Simply abhorred us
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: And yet it’s us who
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: And yet it’s us who
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: Are in the wrong?
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: Are in the wrong?
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She had it coming
Queen, Maleficent, Elsa: She had it coming
Ursula, Tremaine, Cruella: She only had herself to blame.
All: If you'd have been there
If you'd been through it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Ursula (Spoke): Just sign on that dotted line!
Tremaine (Spoke): Stay home? Yeah right.
Maleficent (Spoke): Left out!
Elsa (Spoke):  I never wanted these powers.
Queen (Spoke): Not the fairest one – now it’s Snow White.
Cruella (Spoke): Opinion differences.
Ursula: Sign!
Tremaine: Stay!
Maleficent: Sleep!
Elsa: Uh Uh
Queen: Snow White
Cruella: So soft!

From The Mind of Merc - Disney Part 2: Observations

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the plot holes in Disney films. 

This one’s slightly different and it highlights the lack of common sense found in most Disney princesses.

For example:

Princess & the Frog: Why couldn’t Tiana, with all her street smarts, think to say “How about we sign this paperwork for the mill now so it’s legally binding and you can’t sell it out from under me?”

Tangled: Why didn’t either of Rapunzel’s parents or the guards think to say “Hey Maximus, this is Rapunzel’s baby blanket. Got the scent? Fetch!

Pocahontas: Did it slip John Smith’s mind to say “Oh yeah – actually, guys, there’s no gold here.” (Jake Sully take note)

Hunchback of Notre Dame: Had the Archdeacon of Notre Dame taken a vow of silence? “Quasi – your mum was a gypsy and Frollo killed her. He’s the one who’s ashamed of you.”

Enchanted: If Pip could speak before he entered the real world – which is presumably how he communicated to the Prince what had happened to Giselle – why didn’t he add “Btw, your stepmother did it. And I think Nathaniel’s working for her too.”

Sleeping Beauty: How about Aurora’s parents telling her “Hey Aurora, do us a favour and don’t touch any spindles. Because if you do you will die.”

Frozen: Why couldn’t Elsa’s parents think to say “Elsa, your powers are super cool – literally. Never be afraid of them and never hide who you are because that will end badly”

Brave: Or maybe Merida’s mum could have said “Enough with this training stuff – I know you know it – how about some mother-daughter bonding time.” Or “You know what? Even though I’m just the queen I’m pretty powerful in my own right. Why shouldn’t a woman who’s the first born of her clan be the equal of the first born men?”

Lion King: Why couldn’t Simba have thought to tell the others that Scar killed Mufasa.

Cinderella: Why didn’t she think to tell the prince more about her and maybe suggest use something else to find her than her shoe size.

Little Mermaid: Exactly what was it that stopped Ariel WRITING DOWN her name and that she saved Eric? After all, she signed the contract with Ursula so she must be able to write.

Snow White: Why didn’t she think to use all those gems mined by the dwarves to either bribe the queen’s guards and/or buy the queen’s castle

The last four come from the inspiration for this entry - a post I found on Tumblr: http://ethulinda.tumblr.com/post/122501747445/nintendofiend-adventuretimewithlewis

From The Mind of Merc – Disney Part 1: Lessons

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the bad lessons Disney teaches girls.

I will just clarify that I am a HUGE Disney fan – what little girl doesn’t want to be a Disney princess – but it cannot be denied that Disney does send some terrible messages to children.
(And I’m not talking about the letters ‘SFX’ appearing displaced by Simba when he collapses on the cliff edge or the priest’s *ahem* knee in Little Mermaid)

For example, here are 12 bad lesson Disney teaches girls:

Lesson no. 1: Makeovers fix everything (Cinderella)

Lesson no. 2: Change who you are to be with a man (Little Mermaid)

Lesson no. 3: It’s ok to be with a man who molests you while you sleep (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White)

Lesson no. 4: Stay with a man who mistreats you (Beauty and the Beast)

Lesson no. 5: Wait to be rescued (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 6: Liars can be trusted (Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 7: Let someone else make all your decisions for you (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

Lesson no. 8: Ignore your parents’ advice (Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tangled)

Lesson no. 9: Magic is the only way to get what you want – hard work counts for nought (Cinderella, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Princess & the Frog)

Lesson no. 10: Marrying someone you just met is a great idea (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, etc....)

Lesson no. 11: You have to be stunningly beautiful and/or a princess to be happy – this includes having a waist thinner than your head)

Lesson no. 12: Keep holding out for your prince – even if it means kissing a lot of frogs (how many Disney men aren’t princes?)

Additional note: he must be handsome and rich

Poor Unfortunate Souls - !!!NEW!!!

Or as I have amended it - Simple Gullible Fools.
In case you can't tell, it's a mixture of Ursula's song from The Little Mermaid as it might have been if performed by Moriarty from the BBC series Sherlock.
This is another on the spot creation that I put together about an hour ago but I liked it so I thought I'd share it. Enjoy!

Poor Unfortunate Souls Simple Gullible Fools not by Ursula the Sea Witch

I admit that in the past I've been quite naughty

They weren't wrong to arrest me and start a trial

But you'll see that even so

To jail's not where I'll go

Despite all of the evidence you give
True? Yes

Cause I fortunately know a little secret
It's something that I have not long possessed
And it comes from way back when

Concealed within my den

I used to help out people in distress (pathetic)

Simple gullible fools

So vain, such greed
This one longing to be richer

That one wants to get away
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those simple gullible souls
So bad, so true
They come flocking to my website

Asking for Moriarty
And I help them!
Yes I do

Now you're in my way you see

And to keep you off of me
I'm afraid I've had to shop them and let them go
Yes it doesn't seem quite right

But then you will soon see the light

Like those simple gullible fools

---

People out there don't think a lot for themselves
They prefer to read the gossip found in print

Yes they won't want you around I'll run you into the ground

Why can't you understand a subtle hint

You think they'll believe any single thing that you say

When I'm finished they'll forget you exist

Sherlock don't you understand

They'll be eating from my hand

There is no way that you can get through this

Come on you simple gullible fool

Go ahead!
End your strife!
I'm a very busy bad guy and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your life!
You simple gullible fool

I win, you lose
If you want to save their lives, Sherlock

You've got the pay the price
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and take the dive

Once I've shot myself I've got you good

Cause Sherlock's gonna fall

I am the best after all!