Little Miss Muffet Strikes Back - Mercorabilia

My mum was clearing out some old paperwork the other day when she happened across this creation of mine which I wrote when I was 17. As this seemed the apposite place to do so I thought I'd share it.

Little Miss Muffet Strikes Back
A spider was sat on a tuffet,
Eating some curds and whey,
Then along came Little Miss Muffet,
Who the spider had frightened away,
She wasn’t looking so frightened,
She wasn’t looking so scared,
In fact she looked a lot braver,
Than normally she would have dared,
She waltzed on up to the spider,
A big grin all over her face,
The spider looked cautiously up at her,
Slightly unsure of his place,
Then Muffet produced a big aerosol,
That gave the poor spider a fright,
The writing around it said ‘Pest Killer’,
And the spider’s black fur turned to white,
The girl held the can up in front of her,
And aimed it straight at the spider,
She had no regret or remorse,
She had none of that stuff inside of her,
Her finger pressed down on the button,
The spray came out of the can,
The spider smiled a huge smile,
And whipped out a portable fan,
The draught caught the mist ad blew it right back,
Straight into the face of Miss Muffet,
She cough and spluttered and choked on the smell,
And the spider hope she might snuff it,
But then his luck started to change,
As Miss Muffet recovered quite well,
And her anger was growing inside of her,
As clearly the spider could tell,
He gulped and he murmured and said a quick prayer,
As Miss Muffet put her hand in her pouch,
And from it she drew (this made the bug jump),
A thing that would make him say ouch,
It was a big hammer, a monstrous slammer,
That made the spider quiver with fear,
She raised it up high and sneered down at him,
His doom was now perfectly clear,
She brought it back down as hard as she could,
So incensed was little Miss Muffet,
The spider waited until the last minute,
And then jumped off of the tuffet,
He said “If you really want it that much,
All you had to do was ask.”
Miss muffet snorted “Well, really,” she said,
“That’s too much of an arduous task.”
The spider said nothing about this,
But gave her the curds and the whey,
Then with a click of his heels and a wave of a leg,
The spider scampered away.
Little Miss Muffet sat down on the tuffet,
And began eating her curds and whey,
She put down her spoon and said with a sigh,
“This has been quite a day.”

Disney Life Hacks #15 – Alice

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Alice shares his top tip:

From The Mind of Merc - What If?

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about historical ‘what if’s – for example, what if Henry VIII had married Mary Boleyn (instead of Anne) and acknowledged and legitimised her son Henry – known to history as Henry Carey – particularly with respect to the royal succession.

(and yes, I am aware there’s debate over his paternity but for me a) this seems to be primarily based on Henry not formally acknowledging him and b) I doubt the Boleyns or Careys would be foolish enough to allow Mary to continue conjugal relations with her husband while she was a mistress of the King)

Well, for one thing, neither Elizabeth I or Edward VI would have existed. If Henry had stayed married to Catherine of Aragon until her death in 1536 and then married Mary Boleyn, the latter died in 1543 so it’s possible Henry VIII may only have had 2 wives (but still 2 daughters – Mary Tudor and Catherine ‘Carey’ – and a son; excluding the possibility of further children given Henry’s general ‘problems’ in this area).

Presuming all other dates and facts remain the same (although it’s highly unlikely they would have – e.g. the heir to the throne probably would not have married the daughter of a relatively obscure Welsh nobleman), on the king’s death in 1547, Henry ‘Carey’ would have become King Henry IX at the age of 21. He, in turn, would have succeeded (in 1596) by his son who would have been King George I (an English baron as opposed to a German royal). The line of succession would then presumably have gone:

Queen Elizabeth I (George’s daughter and only child) r. 1603-1635

King George II (youngest child and only son) r. 1635-1658

King George III (second son) r. 1658-1698

King Charles I (eldest son) r. 1698-1710

King James I (second son) r. 1710-1736

King Augustus I (only son) r. 1736-1755

King Frederick I (only son) r. 1755-1810

then either

King William I? (illegitimate eldest son - parents married aged 10) r. 1810-1857

King Maurice I (William’s eldest brother – also illegitimate) r. 1857-1867

King Francis I (Maurice’s eldest son) r. 1867-1896

King Charles II (Maurice’s second son) r. 1896-1916

Queen Swinburne (Maurice’s eldest daughter) r. 1916-1920

King Edgar I (Swinburne’s third son but the only one to outlive her) r. 1920-1937

Queen Serena I (Edgar’s daughter and only child) r. 1937-present

or (following the line of legitimacy):

King Thomas I (Frederick’s fifth but first legitimate son) r. 1810-1882

Queen Louisa I (daughter and only child of Thomas’s youngest brother) r. 1882-1899

Queen Eva I (Louisa’s daughter and only child) r. 1899-1964

Queen Mary I (Eva’s eldest daughter) r. 1964-1992

King Anthony I (Eva’s nephew) r. 1992-present

Alternatively, if the crown had followed the same route as ‘George I’s baronial title of Hunsdon (although the English crown – unlike English noble titles – does not follow Salic law and could be inherited by a woman) then the present incumbent would be King Vicary I r. 1986-present.

Interesting the way things turn out, isn't it?

Tick Tock poem - !!!NEW!!!

I wrote a poem today.

Tick, tock, tick, tock

That’s another minute gone

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Still time marches on

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Can’t anybody see

Tick, tock, tick, tock

What this is doing to me

Tick, tock, tick, tock

One moment I’m here

Tick, tock, tick, tock

And the next I’ll disappear

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Time will not stand still

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Not time - it never will

Tick, tock, tick, tock

And people soon will say

Tick, tock, tick, tock

It’s just another day

Tick, tock, tick, tock

That’s another minute gone

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Still time marches on

Disney Life Hacks #14 - Merlin

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Merlin shares his top tip:

King Stephen Was At Worthing Pier - Mercorabilia

A short one today.

I was going over a song in Shakespeare in my head  and the first line got kind of corrupted. This then inspired me to 'corrupt' the rest of it creating the following result:

(The original can be found here)

King Stephen was at Worthing Pier,

He’d been walking around the town;

He loved it when the sea was clear,

But seeing rainclouds made him frown.

He proudly strode wearing his crown.

He thought it made him look mighty:

Alas to them he looked a clown;

A comic sign for all to see.

From The Mind of Merc - Alternative Definitions

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down.Today I was thinking about people’s apparently varying definitions of supposedly common words.

To demonstrate this, I’m just going to leave this here:

Stable (adjective): sane and sensible; not easily upset or disturbed.

Genius (noun): an exceptionally intelligent person or one with exceptional skill in a particular area of activity.

Disney Life Hacks #13 - Tramp

Continuing my Disney Life Hacks series today - those little tricks the Disney stars use to achieve the unlikely, unbelievable and impossible.

Today, Tramp shares his top tip:

It Must Be Blood - !!!NEW!!!

Inspired by a pantomime I was recently in, I present the vampire version of the Madness classic.

It Must Be Love It Must Be Blood not by Madness

I never knew I'd need it

Half as much as I do
And I never thought I'd feel this way
The way I feel
But it’s true
As soon as I wake up
Every night, not the day
I know there’s one thing I need
To take the thirst away

It must be blood, blood, blood
It must be blood, blood, blood
Nothing more, nothing less
Blood is the best

How can it be that I need
So so much of that stuff?
Won’t you please help me
Just a bite
That’s enough
I've just got to have some
Every night, not the day
I couldn't be happy
Any other way

It must be blood, blood, blood
It must be blood, blood, blood
Nothing more, nothing less
Blood is the best

As soon as I wake up
Every night, not the day
I know there’s one thing I need
To take the thirst away

It must be blood, blood, blood
It must be blood, blood, blood
Nothing more, nothing less
Blood is the best

It must be blood, blood, blood...

Macduff sketch - Mercorabilia

New Year, new sketch - this one focusing on a plot point in one of Shakespeare's better known works to create a slightly different ending. Rather than use the unlucky title of this infamous tale to introduce it, I instead give you...

The Macduff Sketch

<Macbeth and Macduff are fighting>

Macbeth:

Thou losest labour

As easy mayst thou the intrenchant air

With thy keen sword impress as make me bleed

Let fall they blade on vulnerable crests

I bear a charmed life, which must not yield,

To one of woman born!

Macduff:

Despair thy charm

And let the angel whom thou still hast served

Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother’s womb

Untimely ripp’d!

<Pause while this sinks in>

Macbeth:

You what?

Macduff:

Er, I said… Macduff was from his mother’s womb

Untimely ripp’d.

Macbeth:

What difference does that make?

Macduff:

Well… you said you can’t be killed by anyone born from a woman.

Macbeth:
Right.

Macduff:

And I wasn’t born – I was… untimely ripp’d!

Macbeth:
Yeah – but… you were technically still born, weren’t you?

Macduff:

<Pause> Sort of.

Macbeth:

And from a woman.

Macduff:

Might have been.

Macbeth:

So you were still of woman born.

Just ‘cause your mum had a caesarean it doesn’t mean you magically appeared out of thin air. I mean, you still came out of her.

Macduff:

Suppose.

Macbeth:

Which means I don’t need to fear you. For I have been told by the spirits:

‘Fear not, Macbeth’ they said, ‘no man that's born of woman
Shall e'er have power upon thee.’

Macduff:

Right - there’s only one way to settle this.

<Macduff takes his sword and stabs Macbeth in the gut. Macbeth cries out in agony and doubles over.>

Macbeth:

<Collapsing to the ground> Those b-witches!