Macduff sketch - Mercorabilia

New Year, new sketch - this one focusing on a plot point in one of Shakespeare's better known works to create a slightly different ending. Rather than use the unlucky title of this infamous tale to introduce it, I instead give you...

The Macduff Sketch

<Macbeth and Macduff are fighting>

Macbeth:

Thou losest labour

As easy mayst thou the intrenchant air

With thy keen sword impress as make me bleed

Let fall they blade on vulnerable crests

I bear a charmed life, which must not yield,

To one of woman born!

Macduff:

Despair thy charm

And let the angel whom thou still hast served

Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother’s womb

Untimely ripp’d!

<Pause while this sinks in>

Macbeth:

You what?

Macduff:

Er, I said… Macduff was from his mother’s womb

Untimely ripp’d.

Macbeth:

What difference does that make?

Macduff:

Well… you said you can’t be killed by anyone born from a woman.

Macbeth:
Right.

Macduff:

And I wasn’t born – I was… untimely ripp’d!

Macbeth:
Yeah – but… you were technically still born, weren’t you?

Macduff:

<Pause> Sort of.

Macbeth:

And from a woman.

Macduff:

Might have been.

Macbeth:

So you were still of woman born.

Just ‘cause your mum had a caesarean it doesn’t mean you magically appeared out of thin air. I mean, you still came out of her.

Macduff:

Suppose.

Macbeth:

Which means I don’t need to fear you. For I have been told by the spirits:

‘Fear not, Macbeth’ they said, ‘no man that's born of woman
Shall e'er have power upon thee.’

Macduff:

Right - there’s only one way to settle this.

<Macduff takes his sword and stabs Macbeth in the gut. Macbeth cries out in agony and doubles over.>

Macbeth:

<Collapsing to the ground> Those b-witches!