Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about misheard lyrics.
A friend of mine recently pointed me towards Peter Kay’s skit on misheard lyrics and the resulting effect it can have on attempts at karaoke. If you haven’t seen it, you can find it here.
I have a few to add:
1) Will Young’s Jealousy – try as I might I cannot listen to this without hearing “And it feels like Chelsea... And it feels like Ivory....”
2) Surely the theme from Top Gun is called “Take Off With The Wind” (or maybe “Take Off From Nowhere”) rather than it’s actual title of “Take My Breath Away”
3) I think Leona Lewis is a lot more explicit than people realise – why else would the lyrics to her song ‘Collide’ include the line “Cry sh*t to me” (also why is she on about a “Weekend Climb”?)
4) OneRepublic’s Love Runs Out – I actually got this one wrong twice. I thought the line was “I’ll be reeling” but sounded like “I’m Vera Lynn”. Turns out it’s “I’ll be running”
It could be that I just need to get better speakers but I now challenge you to try to listen to these songs without hearing these alternate lyrics. Enjoy!
Afternote: New one to add - I always thought JLS were singing that all that they do is to make you cry - which I thought was a pretty sadistic intention - turns out they're singing 'Proud'. Would probably have helped if I'd known the name of the song.
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Wednesday, 25 May 2016
Speech-wrecker XI - Mercorabilia
A return to my speech-wrecking today and this time I’m looking at Severus Snape’s grand ‘Introduction to Potions’ oration from the first Harry Potter book.
I originally wrote this back in January but held it back following the death of the late, great Alan Rickman. So I would just like to clarify that I this is not directed at Mr Rickman – it is directed at Snape and his unpleasant attitude towards Harry at the start of the books.
"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class.”
(So the majority of what magic is then.)
“As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making.”
(Or to care, really)
“However, for those select few who possess the predisposition,”
(…of being in Slytherin)
“I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses.”
(Should you be teaching kids to make Rohypnol?)
“I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory. And even put a stopper in death."
(Great – so you know how to make poison. Because that’s a really special skill that absolutely nobody who’s non-magical can do. Also – brew glory? Are you saying glory’s alcoholic? Or can it be achieved with a nice cup of tea? If so, I'm very glorious.)
I originally wrote this back in January but held it back following the death of the late, great Alan Rickman. So I would just like to clarify that I this is not directed at Mr Rickman – it is directed at Snape and his unpleasant attitude towards Harry at the start of the books.
"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class.”
(So the majority of what magic is then.)
“As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making.”
(Or to care, really)
“However, for those select few who possess the predisposition,”
(…of being in Slytherin)
“I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses.”
(Should you be teaching kids to make Rohypnol?)
“I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory. And even put a stopper in death."
(Great – so you know how to make poison. Because that’s a really special skill that absolutely nobody who’s non-magical can do. Also – brew glory? Are you saying glory’s alcoholic? Or can it be achieved with a nice cup of tea? If so, I'm very glorious.)
Wednesday, 18 May 2016
You Know When You've Been Plutoed - Mercorabilia
This was intended as a cartoon but, as my drawing
skills fall drastically short of sufficient, you’ll have to make do with
speech bubbles and picture the characters in your mind. As you'll
probably be able to tell, it's based on the declassification of Pluto as
planet.
Friday, 13 May 2016
Boromir's Microchip sketch - Mercorabilia
This is one of the first sketch ideas I had and, while it may need some work, it’s time it escaped my head and went down on paper.
Scene: A woman working away on a computer in an office.
Suddenly the computer freezes/crashes and possibly sparks. Initially exasperated by its freezing and then alarmed by the sparks, she hastens to call IT support:
Woman: Hello? This is Joanne Bloggs from the third floor. I’m afraid something’s happened to my computer. Could you come and fix it? Thanks.
After a pause, the sound of the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack is heard getting closer before the lift arrives with a meaningful chime. The doors open and 3 technicians enter dressed, respectively, as Aragorn, Boromir and Frodo. The Aragorn steps forward first.
Aragorn: Hello, love. I’m ‘Arry. Did you call someone from IT support?
Woman: (overcoming initial shock) Yes. It’s my computer. It’s…
They turn to look at the computer which is smoking gently
Aragorn: No worries, love. We’ll have this fixed in no time.
The technicians soon have the side of the tower off and the Aragorn and the Frodo are peering inside
Aragorn: Yeah, I think I can see the problem – one of the chips has burnt out. We’ll soon have that out. Here it comes. You ready, Fred?
Frodo: Yep.
A microchip pings out of the tower, over Fred’s head, to land on the floor.
Aragorn: Where did that go?
They look about them in bewilderment. The Boromir meanwhile has stooped to pick the chip from off the floor. He now looks at it in amazement while holding it between his thumb and forefinger.
Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt… over so small a thing. Such a little thing.
Aragorn: (stood staring at him) Barry, mate.
The Boromir starts
Aragorn: Give that thing to Fred.
Boromir: (holding out the chip) As you wish.
Fred grabs it.
Boromir: I care not.
The Boromir jokingly tousles Fred’s hair, turning to head back towards the lift.
The Aragorn turns to the woman.
Aragorn: Don’t mind him, love. Should all be fine now. See ya.
Woman stares dumbfounded as the 3 technicians head back over to the lift.
Aragorn: Lucky it wasn’t a two tower job.
They step into the lift and pose as the doors close and the music starts up as they descend.
Scene: A woman working away on a computer in an office.
Suddenly the computer freezes/crashes and possibly sparks. Initially exasperated by its freezing and then alarmed by the sparks, she hastens to call IT support:
Woman: Hello? This is Joanne Bloggs from the third floor. I’m afraid something’s happened to my computer. Could you come and fix it? Thanks.
After a pause, the sound of the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack is heard getting closer before the lift arrives with a meaningful chime. The doors open and 3 technicians enter dressed, respectively, as Aragorn, Boromir and Frodo. The Aragorn steps forward first.
Aragorn: Hello, love. I’m ‘Arry. Did you call someone from IT support?
Woman: (overcoming initial shock) Yes. It’s my computer. It’s…
They turn to look at the computer which is smoking gently
Aragorn: No worries, love. We’ll have this fixed in no time.
The technicians soon have the side of the tower off and the Aragorn and the Frodo are peering inside
Aragorn: Yeah, I think I can see the problem – one of the chips has burnt out. We’ll soon have that out. Here it comes. You ready, Fred?
Frodo: Yep.
A microchip pings out of the tower, over Fred’s head, to land on the floor.
Aragorn: Where did that go?
They look about them in bewilderment. The Boromir meanwhile has stooped to pick the chip from off the floor. He now looks at it in amazement while holding it between his thumb and forefinger.
Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt… over so small a thing. Such a little thing.
Aragorn: (stood staring at him) Barry, mate.
The Boromir starts
Aragorn: Give that thing to Fred.
Boromir: (holding out the chip) As you wish.
Fred grabs it.
Boromir: I care not.
The Boromir jokingly tousles Fred’s hair, turning to head back towards the lift.
The Aragorn turns to the woman.
Aragorn: Don’t mind him, love. Should all be fine now. See ya.
Woman stares dumbfounded as the 3 technicians head back over to the lift.
Aragorn: Lucky it wasn’t a two tower job.
They step into the lift and pose as the doors close and the music starts up as they descend.
Wednesday, 11 May 2016
Riding In A Whirlwind - !!!NEW!!!
(And now the trapped nerve in my neck has finally abated I can resume posting)
Following on the from the Katy Perry parody regarding Charles I, I had the idea for using another of her songs for the escapades of a young lass and her dog - only she's not Waking Up in Kansas
Waking Up In Vegas Riding in a whirlwind not by Katy Perry
Where on earth now am I?
The colours are all so bright
We need a way home
'Cause we’re not in Kansas any more
Don’t know which way to go
Let’s go ask that old scarecrow
He looks unhappy
‘Cause he’s not so bright, you see
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Walking through some dark woods
Nothing that’s here is good,
Except this tin man,
Who desperately wants a heart
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Here comes a lion now
Worst trouble we’ve ever seen
Turns out that he’s not so mean
He’s just a scaredy cat.
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
She said, she said, she said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
That's what you get Toto, kill the west witch, kill, kill, kill the worst witch
Click both your heels now, girly
Click both your heels now, girly
Following on the from the Katy Perry parody regarding Charles I, I had the idea for using another of her songs for the escapades of a young lass and her dog - only she's not Waking Up in Kansas
Where on earth now am I?
The colours are all so bright
We need a way home
'Cause we’re not in Kansas any more
Don’t know which way to go
Let’s go ask that old scarecrow
He looks unhappy
‘Cause he’s not so bright, you see
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Walking through some dark woods
Nothing that’s here is good,
Except this tin man,
Who desperately wants a heart
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Here comes a lion now
Worst trouble we’ve ever seen
Turns out that he’s not so mean
He’s just a scaredy cat.
We’ll head off to Oz
To ask the wizard for help
Won’t you come with me
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
Remember what Glinda said
She said, she said, she said
Just keep on and follow the yellow brick road
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
Go on and kill the west witch with some water, now
That's what you get for riding in a whirlwind
That's what you get Toto, kill the west witch, kill, kill, kill the worst witch
Click both your heels now, girly
Click both your heels now, girly
Saturday, 30 April 2016
From The Mind of Merc - Bees
Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down.
Today I was thinking about bees.I recently heard about Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest hairbrained scheme/beauty treatment (as if the Sex Dust wasn’t bad enough) which basically involves ‘allowing’ bees to sting her as this ‘reduces inflammation’
This is wrong in a number of ways and on a number of levels:
1) Think there’s a wire crossed somewhere as bee stings cause inflammation – have you ever been stung by a bee and NOT had a red mark flare up as a result?
2) Bees do not want to sting people – if they sting people they die so you are not ‘allowing’ them to sting you – you are forcing them to and consequently killing them
3) Given the endangered status of the bee population and the importance of bees in our lives (no bees basically means no food) by what stretch of the imagination is indulging in a ‘therapy’ that kills bees a good idea?!?
We need bees – not to sting us for some kind of twisted beauty treatment – but because they provide us with most of our food by pollinating the plants that we get them from.
And anyone who says they don’t pollinate cheeseburgers, please work backwards from that:
Bees pollinate the grain that is used to feed the livestock that will become your hamburger. Not to mention the bread in the bap you put it in and the tomatoes in the sauce you add to it.
If you want a bee-related beauty treatment, take up bee-keeping and utilise the honey or royal jelly they produce – both of which have proven health benefits. The former possessing an antiseptic for treating wounds, being stuffed with antioxidants which improve memory and overall health and acting as an effective cough suppressant and allergy reliever while the latter is speculated to have a use in treating cholesterol levels, osteoporosis, diabetes, skin inflammation and even cancer.
Becoming an apiarist would also mean you’d be helping to increase the dwindling bee population (and following in the footsteps of people like Sherlock Holmes, Aristotle, Morgan Freeman and Scarlett Johanssen)
Wasps, on the other hand, are evil and should be exterminated but this should not be done at the expense of or in ways which harm bees – such as pesticides (to which bees are particularly susceptible).
So, in conclusion - Kill the wasps, save the bees and stop using them on a pointless, flawed, unfounded ‘beauty’ treatments!
This is wrong in a number of ways and on a number of levels:
1) Think there’s a wire crossed somewhere as bee stings cause inflammation – have you ever been stung by a bee and NOT had a red mark flare up as a result?
2) Bees do not want to sting people – if they sting people they die so you are not ‘allowing’ them to sting you – you are forcing them to and consequently killing them
3) Given the endangered status of the bee population and the importance of bees in our lives (no bees basically means no food) by what stretch of the imagination is indulging in a ‘therapy’ that kills bees a good idea?!?
We need bees – not to sting us for some kind of twisted beauty treatment – but because they provide us with most of our food by pollinating the plants that we get them from.
And anyone who says they don’t pollinate cheeseburgers, please work backwards from that:
Bees pollinate the grain that is used to feed the livestock that will become your hamburger. Not to mention the bread in the bap you put it in and the tomatoes in the sauce you add to it.
If you want a bee-related beauty treatment, take up bee-keeping and utilise the honey or royal jelly they produce – both of which have proven health benefits. The former possessing an antiseptic for treating wounds, being stuffed with antioxidants which improve memory and overall health and acting as an effective cough suppressant and allergy reliever while the latter is speculated to have a use in treating cholesterol levels, osteoporosis, diabetes, skin inflammation and even cancer.
Becoming an apiarist would also mean you’d be helping to increase the dwindling bee population (and following in the footsteps of people like Sherlock Holmes, Aristotle, Morgan Freeman and Scarlett Johanssen)
Wasps, on the other hand, are evil and should be exterminated but this should not be done at the expense of or in ways which harm bees – such as pesticides (to which bees are particularly susceptible).
So, in conclusion - Kill the wasps, save the bees and stop using them on a pointless, flawed, unfounded ‘beauty’ treatments!
Saturday, 23 April 2016
Bard to the Bone - !!!NEW!!!
Today is the
400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death. And, to celebrate, here’s
a parody song.
Baby, haven’t
you heard
The news is all over town
When it comes to writing plays
I’m the best that’s around
Others are jealous
You should hear them all moan
But I don’t care a jot
Because I’m Bard to the bone
The news is all over town
When it comes to writing plays
I’m the best that’s around
Others are jealous
You should hear them all moan
But I don’t care a jot
Because I’m Bard to the bone
Bard to the
bone
Bard to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
Bard to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
I wrote two
dozen plays
Before 1602
I'll write a dozen more, baby
Before I am through
I simply cannot help it, baby
Before 1602
I'll write a dozen more, baby
Before I am through
I simply cannot help it, baby
I don’t want
to atone
I'm here to
tell ya, honey
That I'm bard to the bone
That I'm bard to the bone
Bard to the
bone
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
SOLO
I’ve written
plays about kings
I’ve written plays about queens
Could write plays about kittens but
That just isn’t my scene
You know you can’t ignore it, baby
I’ve written plays about queens
Could write plays about kittens but
That just isn’t my scene
You know you can’t ignore it, baby
It’s a skill
I’ve honed
I'm here to
tell ya honey
That I'm bard to the bone
That I'm bard to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
SOLO 2
And when I am
on stage
Kings and Queens come along
They simply can’t resist
Got to join in that throng
It’s not hard for you to see, baby
That to success I am prone
I'm here to tell ya, honey
That I'm bard to the bone
Kings and Queens come along
They simply can’t resist
Got to join in that throng
It’s not hard for you to see, baby
That to success I am prone
I'm here to tell ya, honey
That I'm bard to the bone
Bard to the
bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
B-B-B-Bard
Bard to the bone
Monday, 18 April 2016
Ribena - !!!NEW!!!
A little nonsense song just because – using a classic TV theme tune for a popular soft drink.
After all “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” – Roald Dahl.
Marina Ribena not from Stingray
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
What a super drink - one sip and I’m gone
it’s how drinks should be
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
You’re full of these blackcurrants that con-
tain vitamin C
You're the drink for me,
And certainly all I need.
I’m cured of my thirst for now,
Because you taste good and how.
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
Why can’t you be,
Just quite as healthy,
As you say you are
After all “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” – Roald Dahl.
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
What a super drink - one sip and I’m gone
it’s how drinks should be
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
You’re full of these blackcurrants that con-
tain vitamin C
You're the drink for me,
And certainly all I need.
I’m cured of my thirst for now,
Because you taste good and how.
Ribena, lovely Ribena,
Why can’t you be,
Just quite as healthy,
As you say you are
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
Last Seven Years (Oh W.T.F.) - !!!NEW!!!
Reading about the Civil War atm. Seems incredible that they went from 'we want to guide the king' to 'we want to control the king' to 'we want to kill the king' in the space of less than a decade - almost like a really bad hangover...
Last Friday Night Last Seven Years not by Katy Perry
There's a feeling in my head,
And I’m slowly filled with dread
There is blood all round the room
And an air of darkened gloom
There’s a body on the floor
I can’t make out any more
Wait, I recognise that ring
OMG - think it’s the king!
Don’t know what went on
War went on too long
King’s dead?
No way!
Things got pretty rough
And somehow we took off his head
Woah
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah, he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
Can’t believe what we have done
Monarchy is dead and gone
Know we wanted rid of Charles
Didn’t think it would go this far
Thought issues could be redressed
Then he fled from our arrest
This must have seemed rational
But how did we find the gall?
Don’t what went on
War went on too long
King’s dead?
No way
Things got pretty rough
And somehow we took off his head
Woah
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
(Gonna win some more)
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
(Gonna win some more)
Next seven years
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
There's a feeling in my head,
And I’m slowly filled with dread
There is blood all round the room
And an air of darkened gloom
There’s a body on the floor
I can’t make out any more
Wait, I recognise that ring
OMG - think it’s the king!
Don’t know what went on
War went on too long
King’s dead?
No way!
Things got pretty rough
And somehow we took off his head
Woah
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah, he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
Can’t believe what we have done
Monarchy is dead and gone
Know we wanted rid of Charles
Didn’t think it would go this far
Thought issues could be redressed
Then he fled from our arrest
This must have seemed rational
But how did we find the gall?
Don’t what went on
War went on too long
King’s dead?
No way
Things got pretty rough
And somehow we took off his head
Woah
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
(Gonna win some more)
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
(Gonna win some more)
Next seven years
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Oh W.T.F.
Last seven years
Yeah, we fought against the king
Wouldn’t let us do our thing
He needed remonstrating
Last seven years
Cromwell led us in our plot
Yeah he helped to win the lot
Then we bought Charles from the Scots
Last seven years
We charged the king with treason
Can’t remember the reason
What’d we do to his person?
Last seven years
Yeah I think we won the war
Can’t remember any more
Op-oh-oh
Next seven years
Gonna win some more
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
Rasputin's Menu - !!!NEW!!!
In December 1916, Grigori Rasputin was invited by Felix Yusupov to dine at the Yusupov Palace - it was a meal that was intended to and succeeded in ending Rasputin's life. One has to wonder what was on the menu...
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