From The Mind of Merc - Disney Part 2: Observations

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the plot holes in Disney films. 

This one’s slightly different and it highlights the lack of common sense found in most Disney princesses.

For example:

Princess & the Frog: Why couldn’t Tiana, with all her street smarts, think to say “How about we sign this paperwork for the mill now so it’s legally binding and you can’t sell it out from under me?”

Tangled: Why didn’t either of Rapunzel’s parents or the guards think to say “Hey Maximus, this is Rapunzel’s baby blanket. Got the scent? Fetch!

Pocahontas: Did it slip John Smith’s mind to say “Oh yeah – actually, guys, there’s no gold here.” (Jake Sully take note)

Hunchback of Notre Dame: Had the Archdeacon of Notre Dame taken a vow of silence? “Quasi – your mum was a gypsy and Frollo killed her. He’s the one who’s ashamed of you.”

Enchanted: If Pip could speak before he entered the real world – which is presumably how he communicated to the Prince what had happened to Giselle – why didn’t he add “Btw, your stepmother did it. And I think Nathaniel’s working for her too.”

Sleeping Beauty: How about Aurora’s parents telling her “Hey Aurora, do us a favour and don’t touch any spindles. Because if you do you will die.”

Frozen: Why couldn’t Elsa’s parents think to say “Elsa, your powers are super cool – literally. Never be afraid of them and never hide who you are because that will end badly”

Brave: Or maybe Merida’s mum could have said “Enough with this training stuff – I know you know it – how about some mother-daughter bonding time.” Or “You know what? Even though I’m just the queen I’m pretty powerful in my own right. Why shouldn’t a woman who’s the first born of her clan be the equal of the first born men?”

Lion King: Why couldn’t Simba have thought to tell the others that Scar killed Mufasa.

Cinderella: Why didn’t she think to tell the prince more about her and maybe suggest use something else to find her than her shoe size.

Little Mermaid: Exactly what was it that stopped Ariel WRITING DOWN her name and that she saved Eric? After all, she signed the contract with Ursula so she must be able to write.

Snow White: Why didn’t she think to use all those gems mined by the dwarves to either bribe the queen’s guards and/or buy the queen’s castle

The last four come from the inspiration for this entry - a post I found on Tumblr: http://ethulinda.tumblr.com/post/122501747445/nintendofiend-adventuretimewithlewis

Henry VIII & the CSA sketch - Mercorabilia

Ok - so the idea behind this one's pretty obvious but I still thought potentially amusing given Henry's lackadaisical approach to marriage and his children. And it was an excuse for me to go back to a favourite topic of mine - the Tudors.

Lawyer: Excuse me – would you be Henry Tudor?

Henry: I am. And that’s King Henry the Eighth to you, sunshine.

Lawyer: Forgive me, Mr. Eighth.

Henry: What can I do for you?

Lawyer: Well, actually, I’m from the Child Support Agency.

Henry: I’m sorry – what?

Lawyer: We’re a relatively new firm specialising in establishing child support in the event of the parents’ divorce.

Henry: Really?

Lawyer: You do realise now that that you’re on your third wife and that you’ve two children from your previous wives?

Henry: Hey – that’s not fair – the first two didn’t count.

Lawyer: Didn’t count?

Henry: Yeah – I was never really married to them at all.

Lawyer: According to who?

Henry: Me.

Lawyer: I see. Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Eighth, but in the eyes of the law it still counts as divorce and leaves you subject to child maintenance responsibilities.

Henry: Oh, does it now?

Lawyer: To be honest I’m surprised you’re in this mess. After all, did not you yourself say in your own work that marriage should last forever?

Henry: It’s do as I say – not as I do.

Lawyer: Well, that’s a poor system of government.

Henry: Right! <scribbles a document>

Lawyer: What are you doing?

Henry: Just passing a new law.

Lawyer: And what one’s this one?

Henry: I think I’ll call it the Act of Succession

Lawyer: You’ve already passed one of those.

Henry: This is the new version – basically it says anyone who argues with my decision is a traitor and should be executed.

Lawyer: Oh dear.

Henry: Yes. Guards!

<Guards enter and arrest lawyer>

Henry: Send for the Executioner!

Lawyer: Wait! You can’t do this.

Henry: Hold on – let me check. <flicks through law book> No – it’s fine.

Lawyer: Oh, bugger.

<Axe slices off head>

Humphrey Dumpty sketch - Mercorabilia

Supposedly a number of our traditional nursery rhymes have a basis in history. So what would happen if the 'origin' for one of our most famous rhymes decided to question its author...

Secretary: Mr. Anon? Your 1.30 is here.

Mr Anon: Thank you. Send him in.

Mr. Dumpty: Are you Mr. Anon?

Mr Anon: Yes, that’s me – Amos Anon – nursery rhymes writer extraordinaire. And who might you be?

Mr. Dumpty: My name’s Dumpty. Humphrey Dumpty.

Mr Anon: I see. And what can I do for you, Mr. Dumpty?

Mr. Dumpty: Well, Mr. Anon. it’s about a recent publication of yours that just happened to include a little anecdote about my life story.

Mr Anon: Really? I can’t think why. I thought you’d be thrilled to be included in my little book.

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, well – I have few points I’d like to raise.

Mr Anon: And what might those be?

Mr. Dumpty: Firstly – you spelt my name wrong. It’s Humphrey – not Humpty.

Mr Anon: Well, that’s poetic licence – Humpty Dumpty sounds better – it rhymes, you see.

Mr. Dumpty: Secondly, I’ve yet to see any royalties from this book.

Mr Anon: Ah, yes. That’s all down to the politics. We’re still waiting to hear how sales are doing. As soon as we’re in profit I’ll be sure to send you a cheque.

Mr. Dumpty: What’s that? It looks like a solid gold pen.

Mr Anon: No it’s just a very shiny yellow one. Anything else?

Mr. Dumpty: Yes, actually. Thirdly – and this is the most crucial point – thirdly – I am not an egg.

Mr Anon: That one’s not down to me. Our art department getting a little imaginative.

Mr. Dumpty: Well, it’s not very clever. I’m sick of people making comments like ‘The yolk’s on you’ whenever I fall off a wall.It’s not funny!

Mr Anon: (trying not to laugh) I’m sorry. No – you’re right, it’s not.

Mr. Dumpty: I mean it’s not my fault if I fall off a wall – I have an inner ear problem.

Mr Anon: I see.

Mr. Dumpty: The least you could do is pay my medical bills. Going private’s not cheap, you know. Have you any idea how much it costs to have the king’s physicians – the king’s men – tending to you?

Mr Anon: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Mr. Dumpty: Just count yourself lucky the horses didn’t get involved because it could have got even more pricier. As it was they were absolutely no use at pulling the ambulance. It’s lucky I’m alive at all.

Mr Anon: Yes, isn’t it.

Mr. Dumpty: And I know it’s not the first time you’ve caused trouble with your writing.

Mr Anon: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Mr. Dumpty: You got Little Boy Blue the sack! Going on about him sleeping on the job. And then publishing it! The minute his boss saw that he was out on his ear.

Mr Anon: Well, he shouldn’t have been so careless, should he? Anyway, he did all right for himself – I heard he got a gig at the local nightclub as their resident bugler.

Mr. Dumpty: That’s beside the point.

Mr Anon: Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Dumpty. I’ll get on to it right away.

Mr. Dumpty: See that you do.

Mr. Anon: I will. I certainly wouldn’t want to have egg on my face.

Confrontation - !!!NEW!!!

A friend of mine has often commented on the similiarities between the musical Les Miserables and the 1993 film The Fugitive. So I decided to create a parody song mixing the two together and combining the song 'Confrontation' between Valjean and Javert and the infamous dam standoff between Kimble and Gerard.

Confrontation not from Les Miserables or The Fugitive

Gerard:
Kimble, at last,
I have you in my sights
Don’t dare to move
It’s the end of your plight

Kimble:
Before you decide to shoot me, Gerard
Before you send me back to face certain death
Listen to me! For I did not kill my wife.
I found her body when I returned home
I was sentenced to death that’s why I ran,
Found that I was left to carry the blame,
To clear my name, I need to find the man
Please let me go, I’m innocent.
Please let me go...

Gerard:
I cannot do that!
I've been ordered to bring you in
Kimble you are a fugitive
Kimble... I don’t care...

Gerard (in counterpoint):                     Kimble (in counterpoint)
I must do what I must do                    You say that but I know more
You must do what you must do
No, No, Richard Kimble                        I know it’s your job to ensure justice
That’s not what my job is                    You must know my true story
You’re a convict                                    When I found my wife was dead
I must arrest you, Richard Kimble       Tried to tell the cops the truth
Hands up now and on your knees      They choose to try me instead
Do it man but slowly now                     I’m not going to go so easily
I don’t want to know your tale            Won’t let you take me, Gerard
Not interested in your lies                    Been one step ahead so far
Each crook who thinks they can run  Not prepared to give in yet
Each crook who from justice flies        I will stay on the run
Underestimate Gerard                            I think you should know, Gerard
I am soon upon their trail                     I am a man on the edge
Always get my man it’s true!               If you choose to force my hand
And see now I have caught you!        I'll do what must be done!

[Kimble turns and looks out over the dam.]

Kimble: As you won’t listen to my voice

Gerard: Kimble - don’t do what you’re thinking

Kimble: Though I can understand your doubt

Gerard: Do not be stupid - think it through

Kimble: You’ve left me with no other choice.

Kimble & Gerard: The dam is my/your only way out!

[He jumps. Gerard runs forward to look. Kimble has escaped.]