From The Mind of Merc – Disney Part 1: Lessons

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was thinking about the bad lessons Disney teaches girls.

I will just clarify that I am a HUGE Disney fan – what little girl doesn’t want to be a Disney princess – but it cannot be denied that Disney does send some terrible messages to children.
(And I’m not talking about the letters ‘SFX’ appearing displaced by Simba when he collapses on the cliff edge or the priest’s *ahem* knee in Little Mermaid)

For example, here are 12 bad lesson Disney teaches girls:

Lesson no. 1: Makeovers fix everything (Cinderella)

Lesson no. 2: Change who you are to be with a man (Little Mermaid)

Lesson no. 3: It’s ok to be with a man who molests you while you sleep (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White)

Lesson no. 4: Stay with a man who mistreats you (Beauty and the Beast)

Lesson no. 5: Wait to be rescued (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 6: Liars can be trusted (Aladdin, Tangled)

Lesson no. 7: Let someone else make all your decisions for you (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

Lesson no. 8: Ignore your parents’ advice (Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tangled)

Lesson no. 9: Magic is the only way to get what you want – hard work counts for nought (Cinderella, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Princess & the Frog)

Lesson no. 10: Marrying someone you just met is a great idea (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, etc....)

Lesson no. 11: You have to be stunningly beautiful and/or a princess to be happy – this includes having a waist thinner than your head)

Lesson no. 12: Keep holding out for your prince – even if it means kissing a lot of frogs (how many Disney men aren’t princes?)

Additional note: he must be handsome and rich

Ironic - !!!NEW!!!

Has anybody else been driven mad by the song 'Ironic' by Alanis Morisette? I have nothing against Ms. Morisette but she clearly doesn't seem to know what irony actually is (which, in a way, is kind of ironic). And so I've decided to rectify this by penning a 'parody' of her song staying as true as was possible to the original to show how with just a few tweaks it would make so much more sense.

Ironic (with corrections) not by Alanis Morisette
Hey yeah yeah

Yeah yea yea
Hey yeah

An old man turned ninety-eight
Folks thought him immortal then he died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
You asked for body but now say to throw it away
Isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to try

All sorts of new things - thought the risk was too high
Yet it’s this fear of his that caused him to die
Wouldn’t alter his course that day
He couldn’t see why
And isn’t it ironic
Don't you think?

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

Well life has a funny way of turning round on you
When you think everything's makes sense and everything's going right, right
And life has a funny way sometimes of tripping you up when
You think the everything's gone right and then everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
Told the roads would be clear by that reporter you hate
It's like ten thousand spoons when you think you need a knife
Then you find a spoon would have done
Ooh yeah the irony is rife, mmm
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?
A little too ironic
And yeah, I really do think

It's like rain when you gave your umbrella away
Saying I won’t need it – doesn’t look cloudy today
Of all the times you choose - it must be fate
And who would've thought, it figures

And well, life has a funny way of turning round on you
And life has a funny, funny way of tripping you up
Tripping you up

King Arthur's Quest - Mercorabilia

A new sketch today with a hint of Python about it (think watery bint in a bikini). The inspiration for this being what if King Arthur's knights were slightly hard of hearing and weren't quite sure what their noble quest was for... 

Arthur: Knights of the Round Table. I have gathered you here today to ask you to embark on a great and noble quest.

Galahad: And what is that, oh king?

Arthur: I wish you to go out into the world and bring me back... The Holy Grail.

<fanfare>

Galahad: Are you sure?

Arthur: What do you mean – am I sure?

Galahad: Well, personally I can’t see anything wrong with the mail you’ve got on. What would you want some new stuff?

Arthur: Not mail – you idiots. Grail. The Holy Grail.

Galahad: Oh, right. Ok then. Shan’t be long.

<knights leave whistling merrily>

Arthur: Should I be worried, Merlin?

Merlin: I shouldn’t think so, sire. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.

Arthur: Hmm. Still they did seem to get confused over the distinction between mail and grail.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: That was quick.

Galahad: Well, it didn’t take long, you know. And we have found the object you seek.

Arthur: Really? Already? Where is it?

Galahad: Behold! <produces a weapon which clinks noisily> The Holy Flail.

Arthur: The Holy Fl.... Not flail, you metal morons. Grail. Grail. Got it.

Galahad: A thousand apologies, oh mighty king. We’ll try again.

Arthur: Just see that you get it right this time.

<knights leave>

Arthur: Honestly – you just can’t get the staff these days.

Merlin: Very well handled, sire.

Arthur: I guess I should have known this would happen when they thought I said mail first time.

Merlin: Well, to be fair, sire. You’re beard does rather obscure your voice a bit. Have you considered getting it trimmed?

Arthur: Are you suggesting that I..? Oh they’re back again.

Galahad: Sire. We have returned.

Arthur: So I see. Did you get it?

Galahad: Yes, sire – behold.

<a bucket is placed on the floor in front of the king>

Arthur: Er... what is that?

Galahad: It is... The Holy Pail.

Arthur: Oh, for crying out loud. What is wrong with all of you? All that mead’s clouding your brain. Go back out there and find – listen closely – the Holy Gr-ail.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<knights leave>

Arthur: What am I supposed to do with this heap of rubbish?

Merlin: Why don’t you chuck it in the lake?

Arthur: Oh, I can’t do that.

Merlin: Why not?

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake keeps chucking it back at me. Something about I’m ruining a site of natural beauty.

Merlin: Really?

Arthur: Yes. By the way – what’s Greenpeace?

Merlin: I’ve no idea, sire. Some new form of gentleman’s attire – a green codpiece?

Arthur: Oh, look who’s back.

Galahad: Sire – we have returned. We journeyed far and wide and we have found you did seek.

Arthur: You’re sure?

Galahad: Indeed, sire.

Arthur: Where is it then?

Galahad: I have it here in my hands, sire. Behold. <opens his hands to reveal a baby bird> The Holy Quail.

<Quail cheeps>

Arthur: Oh for pity’s sake. Look – I’m giving you just one more chance to get this right. This is your last warning. I want you to find... The... Holy... Gra-il. Now off you go. And don’t you dare come back without it.

Galahad: Yes, sire.

<time passes>

Arthur: What can be taking them so long? They’ve been gone months.

Merlin: Well, you did say not to come back without it.

Arthur: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve forgotten what I said. Oh, wait - here they are.

Galahad: Sire, we have returned. We have travelled long and far and finally we wish to present you with this treasured relic which cost us 7 ducats to obtain. <knight holds out a relic wrapped in cloth>

Arthur: And you’re sure it’s the right one this time?

Galahad: Certain, sire. Behold. <knight uncovers the relic> The Holy Nail.

Arthur: Right. That’s it. I told you this was your last warning. You’ve been gone months and all you’ve got to show for it is some manky old bit of metalwork – which probably came out of one your saddles/suits of armour. Well, I’ve had enough. You can all think about what you’ve done in gaol. Guards!

Galahad: But, sire, what else could you expect us to do? We followed the Holy Trail as far as we could go.

Arthur: And you found nothing else?

Galahad: Well, actually, sire, there was other thing we came across.

Arthur: What is it?

Galahad: It’s this goblet.

<goblet produced along with angelic choral singing>

Arthur: Yes! Yes – that’s it!

Galahad: That’s it? Really? After all this time all you wanted was a beat up bit of tableware.

Arthur: Yes!

Galahad: Oh, well you should have said.

Greek Banking sketch - Mercorabilia

Isn’t the Greek banking crisis interesting? Not just for the situation they’re in but their reaction to it – it’s like they’re saying “I need some money but I’ll only accept it on these terms”. Imagine if someone went into a bank with that approach…

Customer: I need some money.

Bank: Ok – how much.

Customer: About €7.2 billion.

Bank: And what is this for?

Customer: Well I’ve got to make a payment on a loan from another bank, I need to pay the interest on a payment I got a while back and some of it’s to pay back the money I borrowed from you before.

Bank: I see. Well, we’ll lend you the money but only if you agree to our terms.

Customer: And those are…?

Bank: Cut your spending, contribute more in taxes and don’t focus on early retirement.

Customer: But they sound horrible.

Bank: Yes, but with a credit rating like yours…

Customer: Hmm. Tell you what. I’ll borrow the money but only if you agree to my terms. And my terms are that I don’t have to do any of the things you just said.

Bank: I don’t think you understand how this works.

Customer: But your terms aren’t any fun. And it’s not the way I do things.

Bank: But if you don’t accept our terms you’ll go bankrupt – you won’t be able to meet any of your financial obligations, your credit rating will be non-existent and all the agreements you’ve entered into will be worthless.

Customer: I know – I’ll talk to my people and see what they say.

Bank: About what?

Customer: Whether or not to accept your terms.

Bank: I don’t think you’re getting this. You need help – even if we give you money you’ll need help because if you continue the way you have been then you’ll just end up needing more and more money. And no-one is going to want to just pour money into a bottomless pit.

Customer: Well, what do you suggest I do?

Bank: Accept the terms!

Customer: Why would I want to do that?

Bank: Gaaah!

The crisis is already starting to impact on the country as their cash supplies dwindle. Imagine what this could mean for future bank transactions…

Bank: Hello. Welcome to The Bank. How can I help you?

Customer: I’d like to withdraw some money.

Bank: Sorry – can’t help you.

Customer: What?

Bank: We can’t do that.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: We haven’t got any money.

Customer: But you’re a bank!

Bank: Yes – but that doesn’t mean we’ve got any money.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Politics. Didn’t you bring any money with you?

Customer: I thought by bringing my bank card with me that’s what I was doing.

Bank: Ah – classic mistake, that.

Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Bank: (after a pause) How are your busking skills?

 

Addendum

Since I wrote the above (2 days ago), the situation has developed:

Customer: Good news!

Bank: What’s that?

Customer: I won’t be needing your money.

Bank: You’ve decided to take action to improve your finances?

Customer: Nope – I spoke to my people and they didn’t like your terms so I won’t be taking your money.

Bank: You won’t?

Customer: No – my people really didn’t like the idea of making all those changes so I won’t be doing them.

Bank: But you need this money!

Customer: True – but I need my people to be happy more.

Bank: But they won’t be happy without any money.

Customer: We’ll sort something out

Bank: Good luck with that.