From The Mind of Merc - Lindsay Lohan

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today I was pondering the interesting coincidence between Lindsay Lohan's recent career path and a certain film she starred in 7 years ago.

Dear Brother Mine - !!!NEW!!!

A Sherlock related entry today re-imagining a Guns 'n' Roses classic as performed by Mycroft

Sweet Child of Mine Dear Brother Mine not by Guns 'n' Roses

You know you mean so much to me
Though I won’t let anybody see
Drive me mad but
Thanks to me you do as you may
When at last you did see M’s face
Faced death but you got out of that place
He was arrested and
Thought in prison he would stay

Oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine

He got away with his foul crimes
I had to let him go
And you were in for some tough times
But defeated the foe
Brought you back as I needed your help with
Mister Milverton, A.
But then you went and
shot him so
I had to send you away

Oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Dear brother mine
Oh,
Dear brother mine

Where will you go?
Where will you go now?
Where will you go?
Oh, oh
Where will you go?
Oh,
Where will you go now?
Where will you go?
Oh, (dear bro)
Where will you go now?
Oh,
Where will you go now?
Oh,
Where will you go?
Oh,
Where will you go now?
Oh,
Where will you go?
Where will you go now?
Where will you go?
Oh,
Where will you go now?
No, no, no, no, no, no
Come home,
Dear brother mine.

Song of the Doctors - !!!NEW!!!

Another on-the-spot creation - this was inspired when it occurred to me that we now have enough Doctors to fill up a whole year...

Song of the Weather Song of the Doctors not by Flanders and Swann

William Hartnell starts the show

Who knows how long it will go

Patrick Troughton’s next in line

Regeneration works fine

Welcome Jon Pertwee instead

Faced the spiders, wound up dead

Tom Baker allays our fears

On and on for years and years

(Pe-)ter Davison youngest yet

With his celery he’s set

Colin Baker’s next on top

Not popular – gets the chop

Sylvester McCoy is next

Show gets cancelled – he gets vexed

Paul McGann’s America’s Who

Only one time then he’s through

Chris Eccleston brings it back

Gets the revamped show on track

David Tennant then we see

Faces all with manic glee

Matt Smith then takes on the role

Reaches the 50^th year goal

(Pe-)terCapaldi comes on then

What number was John Hurt again?

Light Bulb - !!!NEW!!!

Today, a steampunk twist on a Tom Jones classic as perhaps perfomed by Thomas Edison

Sex Bomb Light bulb not by Tom Jones 

Occurred to me baby that late at night
People cannot see ‘cause there is no light
Wanted to help improve their sight

Had to find the way that’s right

Now I’ve found the perfect way to use

To prevent my light blowing a fuse
And I won’t deny or lie cause it’s

The only way that it will fly

Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
I will give it to you if you want it come along
Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
And baby you can turn it on

Now don't be afraid ‘cause it won’t do you no harm
This bulb’s made for lighting so that you can see far
Mix carbon with bamboo, then add current, ignite
1200 hours of light

Sales will explode because I know just where to go (to) put it on show
And yes I must react to claims of those who say that it wasn’t my work

Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
I will give it to you if you want it come along
Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
And baby you can turn it on

Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
I will give it to you if you want it come along
Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
And baby you can turn it on

Took years and years many more than I had feared
But even when it failed I wasn’t put out
Knew when I’d found the real deal
And I can give it to you any time because it’s mine
 
Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
I will give it to you if you want it come along
Light bulb light bulb it’s a light bulb
And baby you can turn it on
And baby you can turn it on
Baby you can turn it on
Ooh baby you can turn it on
Baby you can turn it on
Baby you can turn it on
Baby you can turn it on
Well baby you can turn it on

Got To Get To Work On Time - !!!NEW!!!

It's Monday! That must mean it's that time of the week again!

Get Me To The Church On Time Got To Get To Work On Time not by Stanley Holloway

There’s just a few more hours, that's all the time I’ve got
A few more hours then yes that is my lot
There'll be winks and snores heard all over the town
And I’ve got to get them in in just a few more hours

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong, my alarm clock’s gonna chime
Hop in the shower, don’t take an hour
I got to get to work on time

I got to get there in the morning
Wide awake and at my desk by nine
I can’t deny it, believe me I’ve tried it
I got to get to work on time

If I am sleeping, tip me on the floor
If I am dawdling, shove me out the door

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong alarm clock’s gonna chime
Shovel my breakfast, just don’t get reckless
Got to get to work, got to get to work
Yes I’ve got to get to work on time

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong alarm clock’s gonna chime
Don’t feel up to it, just have to do it

I got to get to work on time

If I’m not moving, then tell me off
If I’m reading, give me a subtle cough

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong alarm clock’s gonna chime
If I am tardy, the boss will fire me

Got to get to work, got to get to work
Yes I’ve got to get to work on time

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong, my alarm clock’s gonna chime
Hop in the shower, don’t take an hour
I got to get to work on time

I got to get there in the morning
Wide awake and at my desk by nine
I can’t deny it, believe me I’ve tried it
I got to get to work on time

If I am sleeping, tip me on the floor
If I am dawdling, shove me out the door

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong, my alarm clock’s gonna chime
Just can’t escape it, I’ve got to make it
Got to get to work, got to get to work
Yes I’ve got to get to work on time

I can’t deny it, believe me I’ve tried it
I got to get to work on time

Shovel my breakfast, just don’t get reckless
Got to get to work on time

If I’m not moving, then tell me off
If I’m reading, give me a subtle cough

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong alarm clock’s gonna chime
Don’t feel up to it, just have to do it
I got to get to work on time

Sunlight is peeking out of bed now
Morning is sneaking in my eye
Slowly I’m waking, but maybe I’m faking
I can hear my alarm clock cry

I'm going working in the morning
Ding, dong alarm clock has now chimed
Just got 4 more days, then it’ll be Friday
Got to get to work, got to get to work
Yes I’ve got to get to work on time

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 4) - Mercorabilia

Time for another speech-wrecker sketch - this one focuses on Leonidas' speech from '300'.
 
Leonidas: No retreat, no surrender. That is Spartan law. And by Spartan law, we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun: an age of freedom! And all will know that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!

Soldier: Will we? You reckon 300 soldiers are willing to die for something that doesn’t even exist yet? Don’t you think that’s a bit of a big ask? Also, if you don’t mind me saying so, it’s a bit of daft law – no retreat, no surrender. I mean what if everyone followed it? You’d never get any peace. If every time a disagreement occurred like two people colliding because they both wanted the go the same way and neither side retreated they’d die of starvation in the street.And what’s with the Braveheart bit? I mean come on – the whole ‘FREEEDOOOOOMMMM’ quote’s been done to death.

Leonidas: Kill him.

Soldier:  ‘Ulp

Invention sketch 2 - Mercorabilia

Another invention sketch today by the remarkable Professor Useless...er...Eustace:

Interviewer: And I’m here today with Professor…Eustace who tells that he’s designed and built a brand new flytrap device. Professor Eustace – over to you.

Professor: Thank you. You see, this is how it works:

When this fly lands on the mat, it triggers the pressure pad which sets off the alarm clock here, you see, which is attached to this knife which moves back and forth cutting the string which releases the hammer onto the jack lever which is carefully positioned on top of a spring so the hammer falls repeatedly which pumps up the jack which in turn tips the fire bucket which then empties its contents onto the scales. These scales tilt to switch on the winch which retracts its cable which is tied around the trigger of this gun which fires to sever the rope that then drops the safe!

Interviewer: …By which time the fly has flown away.

Professor: (pause) Yes.

Interviewer: Why not just use a flyswat?

Professor: A what?

(thwack)

Interviewer: See?

Professor: You squashed my fly.