Monday 31 March 2014

From The Mind of Merc - Ashes to Ashes

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today’s topic is the Ashes to Ashes series finale.

Is it me or does the ‘plot twist’ at the end of Ashes to Ashes render the entire two shows as incredibly depressing?
In Life on Mars, Sam Tyler is ‘sent back in time’ when he’s involved in a car accident and we’re led to believe that his brain has perhaps constructed this world while his body recovers from the coma he’s in in the future – in a place where he’s able to affect events in the future by altering them in the past (absolutely fab – no problem with that)
However, not only (having succeeded in returning to the present world) does he then kill himself by jumping off a building – implying that he believes he was better off dead (how depressing is that?) – but at the end of Ashes to Ashes it’s revealed that he never time travelled at all and that both he and Alex were effectively dead from the moment of their accidents and their ‘journey’ to Gene’s world was merely to pass the time until they accepted this – which negates all their efforts, all their hopes and all their achievements. (Not to mention that it’s surely a Herculean task when a) you don’t know about it and b) you keep getting flashbacks implying you stand a chance of getting out of here.) All of which suggests that a) there was no point in them fighting it, b) their actions in Gene’s world have absolutely no effect whatsoever on any time period and c) Gene was ‘helping’ them by giving them false hope of survival – what kind of sadistic person does that?
This incredibly negative message for me ruined the entire optimism and possibility that the series had presented and also was completely unnecessary as they could just as easily have had the Ashes to Ashes sequel while maintaining the travelled in time to recover and change history plot and without everyone being killed off.
I’m not denying that (the majority of) the stories and acting were first rate but I just hate that they seemingly had to spoil it in their desperation to stretch it out a bit. Presumably the premise was only extended when the first series was a success and the network wanted to make more money out of it. (I’m convinced that if you watch the last episode of series 1 of Life on Mars, there’s a point at which it seems to change ever so subtly as if it was reshot and the ‘Pub’ sequence at the end feels incredibly tacked on – as if they recalled the cast to film it so they could continue the series.)
It should have been one fab series – Sam Tyler solving crimes in the past while in a coma and makes his way back to the future (excuse the pun) in the last episode – boom! – done. Ashes to Ashes could then have continued on from that following the same successful (which after all is the whole point anything changed at all) plot line.
Also in the twisted convoluted way they’ve found to ‘resolve’ the series – leaving a few gaping plot holes in the process – they’ve slammed the door on any possible sequels which again could have continued along the same (successful) path.
The writers also must have found themselves in a quandary as a result of having to extend the Sam-Annie relationship which meant that Sam’s happy-ever-after could only presumably be in the afterlife. So once Sam achieved his main goal of waking up from his coma (which he’d spent two series trying to do) he felt he had little choice but to kill himself. Thus negating all his efforts, all his hard work, everything just so the writers could continue the series.
And Alex –all the messages she received from Molly and all the updates as to her condition in the modern world were just prolonging her inevitable demise what kind of sick joke is that and what kind of message does it give out when the overall conclusion appears to be if you’re in a coma or facing impossible odds give up because you’re already or as good as dead?
Would it have been that terrible to have a happy (un-Shakespearean-tragedy style) ending? We have enough doom and gloom in our lives without the writers crushing what little exists in the show for the sake of continuing the series.  (And don’t get me started on the whole ‘the devil in the form of Daniel Mays trying to win souls from Gene in the manner of Dr Parnassus’ bit) Personally, I think it would have been just as effective (and a lot nicer)  if the hope that the characters had carried throughout and the efforts that they went to had proven to be well-founded and worthwhile and not pointless, baseless and utterly utterly futile.

Monday 24 March 2014

It's Monday - !!!NEW!!!

Today's creation is a parody song for those who (like me) struggle to get up in the mornings - particularly on Monday mornings when staying in a nice warm bed seems infinitely preferable.

You Found Me It's Monday not by Kelly Clarkson
Look at the time
Yes it’s right
You’ve got to wake up right now
Just don’t care (if) you’re comfy there
You’ve still got to wake up somehow
That’s what it's like
When it gets bright
(At the) start of the week

It’s Monday
So get up off your backside
Cannot be late - so much work to do
Yes, it’s Monday
No time for confusion
Get up, don’t lie down
Your warm bed you must leave
It might seem too hard but you’ve no choice you see
It’s Monday
It’s Monday

Had a quick shower
Baths take an hour
Maybe you’ll have one later
Time for some food
You’re in the mood
For some pancakes with syrup too
Look at the time
Guess toast will be fine
Still can't believe
 

It’s Monday
That means the weekend’s over
Went by so quick but what can you do?
Yes, it’s Monday
No time for television
‘Cause time’s ticking by
And now you have to leave
Seems like it’s harsh but you’ve still no choice you see
It’s Monday
It’s Monday

Time for some driving
So get in the car
Tell yourself it’s not that far
It’s Monday
Really got to get movin’
Didn't you know?
Didn't you know?
 

It’s Monday
Not Saturday or Sunday
Don’t kid yourself you’ve one more day left
Yes, it’s Monday
Used up all your free time
The office awaits
(It’s) not where you want to be
No chance to turn back ‘cause it’s too late you see
It’s Monday


It’s Monday
(Went by so quick but what can you do?)
It’s Monday
You’ve got to get going
Just eight hours left
‘Til your desk you can leave
It might seem unfair but can’t help it you see
Despite what you want
And what you feel you need
It’s Monday
It’s Monday

Wednesday 19 March 2014

Speech-wrecker sketch (Part 3) - Mercorabilia

Time for another speech wrecker sketch - this one focuses on a famous line from Ridley Scott's Gladiator.

Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Bystander: Umm – excuse me Mr Meridius but what use is it going to be for you to get your vengeance in the next life?
Maximus: What?
Bystander: It sounds good, I’ll grant you. But in the next life, you’ll be dead, as will he. So, really, what is the point? Why don’t you just stab him now and have done with it?
Maximus: But then his guards will kill me.
Bystander: So what? You’ll have had your vengeance and then you can be in the next life – with your murdered son and murdered wife.
Maximus: Good point.
[stabs Commodus]
Commodus: Oh. I did not see that coming.

Sunday 16 March 2014

Cabin Pressure rap - !!!NEW!!!

I saw a brilliant meme the other day that intermixed the hit by B.O.B. with Cabin Pressure as ‘Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are MJN Air. So I decided to take it a bit further and create a full parody song starring Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, Arthur Shappey, Martin Crieff and Douglas Richardson. 

Airplanes not by B.O.B.

Listener:    
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?


That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Carolyn:    
Yeah, I could use a hand or maybe a suggestion
To get out of the crew’s latest devastation
'Cause after all the flyin’ there’ll be smashin' and crashin'
Whether from geese or ruin it’s their fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
That comes in time - you can bet on their badness
And I sit starin' at that phone in the room
And I’m hopin' that more people wanna use us soon
Arthur:      
But that's just how the way that things go
We’ll get another job soon - never let go
The fun we’ve had on tarmac and on sand
Would you give it up if you had the chance?
The airplane, airplane, it’s brilliant
Flying all day it’s all that I want
So don't you worry ‘cause it’ll be all right
And we'll be right back on it by the end of the night

Listener:    
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?


That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Martin:      
Can somebody show me another way?
I need a better job, I need to get paid
Because it always matters what I have in my bank
Yeah, but then I am tryin' to get ahead in airways
And that’s why I took this job for the hell of it
But even though I’m Captain I get no respect
I'm hopin’ that I can still make a career out of airplanes
Douglas:   
Please let me, oh, please let me go back to the days
Before the transgression that got me the oot-bay
And back when ain't nobody questioned all that I say
And back before I tried to cover up my crime
But now it’s all too late, what's up, Arthur Shappey
So back I go to work with my new family
And back to the job to pay alimony
Yes here I am, and that’s why I say
I'm hopin' I can find a way soon out of this plane

Listener:
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?

That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?


That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Fans:
That would really be my wish right now
That that that would really be my wish right now
Like MJN Air
That would really be my wish right now
My wish, my wish right now
And for those who are interested, here’s how I’d choreograph the music video:

Listener (on tarmac at airfield spinning round with arms in air and headphones on)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Carolyn (in office updating records)
Yeah, I could use a hand or maybe a suggestion
To get out of the crew’s latest devastation (gestures to paperwork)
'Cause after all the flyin’ there’ll be smashin' and crashin'
Whether from geese or ruin it’s their fashion
Puts pen down
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
That comes in time - you can bet on their badness
Leans on hand with elbow on desk
And I sit starin' at that phone in the room
And I’m hopin' that more people wanna use us soon
Arthur (comes up beside her)                   
But that's just how the way that things go (shrug shoulders)
We’ll get another job soon- never let go (throw arms forward)
The fun we’ve had on tarmac and on sand (counts them off)
Would you give it up if you had the chance? (hand to chin)
(Gesturing out of window)
The airplane, airplane, it’s brilliant
Flying all dayit’s all that I want (airplane impression)
So don't you worry ‘cause it’ll be all right (goes back to her)
And we'll be right back on it by the end of the night (clicks fingers and leaves)

Listener (on tarmac at airfield - closer shot )
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Martin in flight deck doing his log book 
Can somebody show me another way?
Closes book
I need a better job, I need to get paid
Because it always matters what I have in my bank
Leans back in seat
Yeah, but then I am tryin' to get ahead in airways
Leans forward on control column
And that’s why I took this job for the thrill of it
But even though I’m Captain I get no respect
Gestures to his hat
I'm hopin that I can still make a career out of airplanes
Douglas in aisle         
Please let me, oh, please let me go back to the days
Starts walking along aisle
Before the transgression that got me the oot-bay
And back when ain't nobody questioned all that I say
And back before I tried to cover up my crime
But now it’s all too late, what's up, Arthur Shappey
Arthur smiles in greeting as Douglas passes him
(alternatively  it’s John Finnemore who acknowledges the greeting and then looks confused to be called Arthur)
So back I go to work with my new family
Enters the flight deck
And back to the job to pay alimony
Sits down and straps himself in
Yes here I am, and that’s why I say
I'm hopin' I can find a way soon out of this plane
He and Martin pull back on gearstick

Listener (on tarmac at airfield - close-up)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are MJN Air?
That would really be my wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Fans (Assembled en masse in airfield)
That would really be my wish right now
That, that, that would really be my wish right now
MJN Air
Our wish, our wish right now
Shot of GERTI flying overhead

Thursday 6 March 2014

Eggy-Bacy Bread - !!!NEW!!!

Another on-the-spot creation (or rather on-the-day)
Just a bit of fun for those who love egg and bacon sarnies :)

Achy Breaky Heart Eggy-Bacy Bread not by Billy Ray Cyrus
You can tell that I have something that’s on my mind
It’s just not gonna go away
You might think it’s absurd but I won’t be deterred
There’s just one thing that will make my day

It’s not choc’late treats or any other sweetmeats
That’s not what I have a hank’ring for
Just want to lick my lips don’t care about my hips
I can’t stop reaching out for just one more

Just give me some bread, some eggy-bacy bread
It’s really not much to ask for
And if you give me bread, some eggy-bacy bread
I just might let you through the door

You can give me ham or even tins of spam
But that just isn’t good enough for me
So go get me a pack of rashers streaked and back
There is just one thing that I want for my tea

Don’t give me any cheese and pickle pretty please
‘Cause anything like that is not okay
And you should know my eyes are not looking for pies
Won’t settle for anything less today

I just want some bread, some eggy-bacy bread
I just don't think you understand
If I don’t get some bread, some eggy-bacy bread
I might blow up and kill you man

But don't take my bread, my eggy-bacy bread
Something like that is underhand
And if you take my bread, my eggy-bacy bread
That will be more than I can stand

I just want some bread, some eggy-bacy bread
I just don't think you understand

Don't take my bread, my eggy-bacy bread
That will be more than I can stand

Wednesday 5 March 2014

Frosty this Morning - !!!NEW!!!

This one is brand spanking new in that I only came up with it today. Enjoy!

(It was) Frosty this morning
Everyone had a pink nose
You could see your breath
And to your distress
There was ice on the windows



Turn on the engine
With a scraper in your hand
Brushing here and there
In the open air
Do it quickly as you can



The sky is clear from ear to ear
There’s a chill in the air
It’s getting late but it’s not yet eight
Somehow it doesn’t seem fair

Yes, frosty this morning
Just as cold as it could be
While the children play
When it’s a snow day
It’s still work for you and me



Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Watch the wipers go
Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Clearing the screen of snow



Frosty this morning
But the sun was beating down
It seems so early
But it’s clear to see
There are still people in town



Frosty this morning
But that’s usual for winter
And before you know
It’ll start to snow
And you won’t get very far



You’re driving through the streets and you
Turn the heater full blast
You’re toasty warm and all you know is
You just want this to last



Was frosty this morning
Everything covered in white
As you drive along
You can sing this song
And you know you'll be alright



Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Hear the engine go
Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Watch as it starts to snow