Battleship sketch - Mercorabilia

A new twist on an old classic

*sound of naval radar*
Sailor: Enemy vessel detected, captain! 
Captain: Man the torpedoes.
Sailor: Torpedoes armed and ready, captain. Awaiting co-ordinates.
Captain: Target torpedoes latitude A, longitude 3.
Sailor: Latitude A, longitude 3 loaded, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired and landing in water*
Captain: Miss! Reload!
Sailor: Torpedoes reloaded, captain.
Captain: Aim for latitude A, longitude 4.
Sailor: Latitude A, longitude 4 – armed and ready, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Hit! Quickly! Quickly! Reload!
Sailor: Torpedoes ready, captain.
Captain: Aim for latitude B, longitude 4.
Sailor: Ready, captain.
Captain: Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Hit! Quickly – reload! One more should do it.
Sailor: Torpedoes ready, captain.
Captain: Latitude C, longitude 4. Fire!
*sound of torpedo being fired followed by explosion*
Captain: Yes! That’s it! We’ve done! We’ve sunk their battleship!
*shouts and cheers*
Sailor: Message from HQ, sir. The enemy have admitted defeat. We’ve won!
*more shouts and cheers*
Captain: Well, that was a jolly good game, wasn’t it? Time to go back in the box. Make sure you’ve got all your parts with you.
Sailor: Aye, sir. Goodnight, Captain.
Captain: Goodnight.

When It All Hits The Fan - !!!NEW!!!

The language of this post is slightly stronger than normal. But then I honestly can't understand just how we've ended up in such a disastrously nightmarish situation.

When It All Hits The Fan According to Plan not by Danny Elfman

Tory 1               It's a beautiful day

Tory 2               It's a rather nice day

Tory 1               A day for a glorious voting

Tory 2               It’s only for us dear, to be perfectly clear

Tory 1               Only for us still a glorious voting

Tory 2               Assuming nothing happens that we can’t bury deep

Tory 2               That nothing unexpected causes us to lose sleep

Tory 1 & 2        And that's why every thing

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong

Tory 1               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 2               Our man he will win it

Tory 1               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 2               Though they thought he blew it

Tory 1 & 2        Elevated to the top of the government

Tory 1               He will be on top

Tory 2               He will top the lot

Tory 1               Running England how it should be

Tory 2               Not just how we wish it would be
Tory 1 & 2        He'll be great, he’ll be seen

Giving laws to the queen
We'll forget everything (else)
That there’s ever, ever been

Tory 3               For f*ck’s sake

 It's a terrible day

Tory 4               (I) suppose you could say

Tory 3               It's a terrible day for a voting

Tory 4               It's a sad, sad state of affairs we're in

Tory 3               That has led to this ominous voting

Tory 4               How could our party have sunk down to this?
Tory 3 & 4        To hand over our leadership to that Boris

Tory 3               He’s so racist

Tory 4               An @rse          

Tory 3               Oh how’d this come to pass

Tory 4               How it came to pass? I'm afraid it’s plain to see

 We wanted power, wealth, fame and lots of money
 Without a thought of the outcome
 (‘Til) it hit you, and me

Tory 3               Oh dear

Tory 3 & 4        And that's why everything

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong

Tory 3               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 4               Our party is doomed

Tory 3               When the sh*t hits the fan

Tory 4               Our country is too

Tory 3 & 4        Fated to a life of misery

Tory 3               And it is all down

Tory 4               To our gluttony

Tory 3 & 4        And who'd have guessed in a million years

 That that pillock with a mop

Tory 4               Like he’s a bird’s nest on top

Tory 3 & 4        Would be chosen out of all our current crop

British Public     Oh dearie me - What if Boris isn’t who... I want to win?

Tory 3               As if that has anything to do with politics. Do you suppose you always get to chose who’s     in charge?

British Public     Surely we must...for fairness...

Tory 3 & 4        Of course not!

Tory 3               Get those viewpoints aligned properly...I don’t want to hear your opinions
 Politics aren’t democratic. It’s not as plain as that
 You'd think a lifetime watching us
 Might have taught them that
 Might have taught them that

Tory 4               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 3               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 4               Everything’s gone so wrong now

Tory 3 & 4        Everything’s gone so wrong now wrong now

Tories 1,2,3&4  That’s why everything

 Every last little thing
 Every single tiny microscopic little thing goes wrong
 When the sh*t hits the fan

(And I don't think much of Jeremy *unt either!)

From The Mind of Merc - Boris's Job Application

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the Tory leadership contest and, more specifically, the slightly unbelievable favourite.

It hardly seems credible that he could even be considered given his track record. I mean, what if it was like an actual job application, would he even get an interview? It was the thought of this that inspired me to write this sketch (slightly unusual for a Mind of Merc post but here we go):

Interviewer: So, Boris, thanks for coming in today

Boris Johnson: My pleasure.

Interviewer: I understand you’re applying for the post of ‘Prime Minister’, is this correct?

Boris Johnson: Of course it is. You’ll see from my CV that I have all the necessary credentials.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Yes. Well, let’s start with the first question. Could you give an example of a campaign you’ve led that’s been successful?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely – have you heard of a little thing called the Leave campaign? I think you’ll find that was incredibly successful. And I was one of the main leaders for it.

Interviewer: What input did you have?

Boris Johnson: Oh, I came up with some of the key elements to it. You remember that fab little line about the NHS getting £350 million? That was one of mine.

Interviewer: Which was a lie.

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And wasn’t that the campaign that was proven to have broken electoral law?

Boris Johnson: But we won.

Interviewer: And didn’t it bother you that you’d previously extolled the benefits of staying in the EU so you were basically contradicting yourself.

Boris Johnson: Of course not. A man’s allowed to change his mind, isn’t he?

Interviewer: And you still stand by your new stance, do you?

Boris Johnson: Oh yes. I think Brexit is going to be a “titanic success”.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Right. I think we should move on. Ahem. Could you give an example of a role you’ve held where you’ve benefitted those for who you were responsible?

Boris Johnson: Absolutely. As Mayor of London – a position I held from 2008 to 2016 – I oversaw many projects that were of great benefit to the residents of London.

Interviewer: Like?

Boris Johnson: I bought water cannons to improve security and heighten the citizens’ sense of safety.

Interviewer: These would be the water cannons that were never used.

Boris Johnson: Which just shows how effective they were.

Interviewer: And which you sold at a £300,000 loss.

Boris Johnson: Couldn’t be helped.

Interviewer: Are you sure about that?

Boris Johnson: Yes. Anyway – it wasn’t my money.

Interviewer: Yes. You don’t seem particularly concerned about other people’s money. Or lack of it. Wasn’t one of your moves as mayor to condemn social housing as being “not good for people” and also to decrease the amount of affordable housing?

Boris Johnson: That was for the greater good. After all if you can’t afford a house you shouldn’t have one. Common sense.

Interviewer: (uncertainly) Ok. Ahem. Would you say you’re accepting of other races and cultures?

Boris Johnson: Oh, definitely. I was Foreign Secretary after all. And I know lots and lots of “picanninies”.

Interviewer: Picanninies?

Boris Johnson: Yes. You know – those people with the “watermelon smiles” who come from “that country” of Africa.

Interviewer: Country???

Boris Johnson: Yes. Although I have to say, I think they’d be doing a lot better if we were still in charge. And as for those Muslim women who “choose to go around looking like letterboxes”. I mean, you’d think they were out to rob a bank or something. It’s absolutely ridiculous!

Interviewer: (hurriedly trying to move the interview on) Er… what would you say are your biggest strengths and could you give an example?

Boris Johnson: Loyalty to a cause - I’m passionate about supporting the best course of action.

Interviewer: The best course of action for who?

Boris Johnson: …For whoever it needs to be at the time.

Interviewer: I see – and that would be why as a member of the Conservative party you both voted for and against Theresa May’s deal at different points and were one of the first people to apply for this role when it came available.

Boris Johnson: Oh, and I’ve also a good eye for opportunities.

Interviewer: Right. Finally, I see you’ve put down some interesting references.

Boris Johnson: Yes, including the President of the United States.

Interviewer: (interested). Oh. Which one?

Boris Johnson: Donald Trump.

Interviewer: Oh.

Boris Johnson: Yes, lovely chap. He’s very supportive. I’m his favourite to take the job and he’s even quoted as saying that I’m a good man.

Interviewer: I see. Well, that clinches it. I think there’s only one thing I can say to that, Mr. Johnson.

Boris Johnson: What’s that?

Interviewer: NEXT!

I've Never Seen Game Of Thrones - !!!NEW!!!

Another Whitney Avalon parody today (the original for which can be found here)
This one's fairly topical as it was inspired by a meme I saw doing the rounds on Facebook

I've Never Seen Breaking Bad Game of Thrones not  by Whitney Avalon

Knew I’d regret how mad you’d get

When I told you of my ‘shame’

Now every time, you see me I’m

The one it seems you must tame

Don't you moan and pout, that I’m missing out

That will not change a thing

I don't need to know, who Jon is or Snow

Sorry you will not win

Oh I've never seen Game of Thrones

No not a single episode

It’s not something I need to be shown

So please don’t try to break me

Please don’t make me

I hear you claim, of its great fame

And how, there's nothing like it

You tell of whores and blood and wars

In vain to get me to try it

Don't you moan and pout, that I’m missing out

That will not change a thing

I'll watch Sophie T, set the Phoenix free

That's my choice, won’t give in

I've never seen Game of Thrones

All my friends think that is crazy

When they see me all they do is moan

I'm sure they will isolate me

Yeah they’ll isolate me

I never meant to start a trend

I'm sure the acting’s amazing

But spoilers tell what’s round the bend

And avoiding it is now a thing

I never meant to start a trend

I'm sure the writing’s amazing

Thanks for shaming me for not trying

Don't you moan and pout, that I’m missing out

That will not change my mind

If I never see Game of Thrones

Now it’s finished on TV

At least I know now I’m not alone

So don’t you try to break me

You won’t break me

Please don't make me

Avengers Alternative Endgame-ing - Mercorabilia

Ok, this probably goes without saying but:

***SPOILER ALERT***

***SPOILER ALERT***

***SPOILER ALERT***

You Have Been Warned

The Avengers prepare for Banner to don the gauntlet.

Stark: Friday, do me a favour and activate Protocol 8.

Friday: Yes, boss.

Banner: (looking down at the gauntlet) Everybody comes home.

He moves his hand towards the gauntlet which expands to fit. it closes around his wrist and he drops to his knees as the power of the stones begins to flow through his body. he roars with pain as the others watch warily.

Thor: Take it off. Take it off!

Captain America: No, wait, Bruce, are you okay?

Stark: Talk to me, Banner.

Banner: (after a pause) I'm okay. I'm okay.

Banner gathers his strength and lifts the gauntlet up. He forces his fingers together and *click* 

Banner collapses to the ground and the gauntlet falls from his hand. The others crowd around and observe the damage to his arm.

- Bruce!

- Don't move him.

- Did it work?

They attempt to move the gauntlet away from him.

Banner: Wait! Wait! Wait!

Banner reaches out for the gauntlet and pulls it back towards him.

Thor: No!

Stark: You can't.

Hawkeye seizes the gauntlet to try to stop him.

Hawkeye: It'll kill you.

Banner looks back at him.

Banner: Whatever it takes.

Hawkeye pauses and then with a forlorn look on his face lets go. Banner pulls the gauntlet onto his undamaged arm and it closes. Again he roars with pain as the energy of the stones courses through him.

The others stand around; flabbergasted at what he's done. Banner pushes his hand up and clicks his fingers. He colllapses to the ground once more and the gauntlet rolls away. The others gather to inspect the damage. Thor picks up the gauntlet to ensure Banner doesn't reach for it again.

Thor: What did you do?

Banner: (weakly) Thanos.

Stark: Thanos?

Banner nods.

Banner: Had to... had to do it... Otherwise he... he would have just... got the stones again and we... we'd be back to square one.

There is a pause while they all contemplate this.

Rocket: Dude - do you realise what you've done?

Banner: Eliminated one of the greatest threats we've ever known and... saved the lives of... everyone in the universe.

Rocket: No - you've just denied us the chance of taking part in one of the greatest battles in cinematic history!

Captain America: Oh, man! The CGI on that would have been awesome!

Banner grunts his disapproval.

Banner: Guys... you NEED to sort out your priorities.

From The Mind of Merc - Extinction

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the extinction. 

I will admit I was at a loss what to write about today until, whilst driving to work, I witnessed the driver of the car in front of me casually throw a wrapper out of their window. Given the current focus on conservation and recycling, I struggle to understand how people can still behave like this*. Especially when the facts are so simple:

THE PLANET IS DYING

And, most importantly:

IF IT DIES, YOU DIE

This might not be what you want to hear – after all no-one wants to hear their own death sentence – but ignoring it will not make it go away.

Do not leave it to someone else to fix – if everyone does that the situation will not change.

It is down to everyone and that includes YOU.

(Not (just) your next door neighbour, not (just) your colleague – YOU)

You may not have made the mess but that does not mean it is ok either to add to it or not to do something about it – especially when not doing so has such far reaching and drastic consequences.

For those who deny the effects humankind are having on the planet**. I struggle to understand why you choose to ignore science just because you dislike what it’s saying

It is the same as being told you have a medical condition and choosing to ignore that – the effect will be the same: devastating for you

If you’re still looking for motivation (perhaps still falsely thinking ‘it’s not my problem’) – do it for your children. If you have no children – do it for your family. If you have no family – do it for humanity. If you are not human – what are you doing on this planet?

If you want an indication of the level of seriousness of the problem, look to the bees. The bees disappearing is not an interesting bit of trivia, it is major warning sign that we are in trouble.

No bees = no food for humans. And not just plants but meat as well.

Vegetarian/Vegans: No bees = no pollination = no vegetation

Meat-eaters: No bees = no plants = no food for animals = no meat

This topic is currently ‘fashionable’ because of attention (justly) given to activists – particularly 16-year-old Greta Thunberg who has faced negative reactions to her campaigning – the reason for which I struggle to make out.

I can only assume she is viewed as annoying again because she is saying things people don’t want to hear or admit to. Or perhaps she is resented due to jealousy as she is doing what you know you should be doing.

But she is not trying to shame you, she is trying to prompt you, to activate you, to assist you in doing something about the increasingly dangerous situation we are in.

She is not a nuisance – she is a scared little girl who doesn’t understand why people are happy to let the planet die. Do you understand why?

I also found it hard to believe the similar disregard or negative views of the recent Extinction Rebellion protests.

Yes – they made life inconvenient but

a)      that was kind of the point – how are you to be made aware of a situation if it does not impact you

b)      that was nowhere near as inconvenient to you as the planet dying will be if action is not taken

If you say/reckon you don’t know what you can do to help, there are literally thousands of websites, blogs, tutorials, and sources of information as to what can be done by yourself to make a difference and stop the planet from dying.

Don’t believe me? On a quick Google I found:

-          https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2002/aug/22/worldsummit2002.earth21

-          https://www.wwf.org.uk/thingsyoucando

-          https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Save-the-Earth

-          https://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/green-science/save-earth-top-ten.htm

(You don’t even have to do all of them – just something)

What will you find?

*I am no saint, there are undoubtedly many things I could be doing to improve my impact on the planet but still I realise and accept the importance of doing so

**

-          https://climate.nasa.gov/evidence/

-          https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/global-warming/global-warming-real/

-          https://skepticalscience.com/argument.php

Operation sketch - Mercorabilia

Don't worry - no blood and guts involved in this one. Just a bright spark.

Dr A: Hello, Mr Body.

Mr Body: It’s pronounced Bodie, actually.

Dr A: Is it? Oh, I’m so sorry. Anyway, pleased to meet you Mr Bodie. I’m Dr. A and I’ll be operating on you today. Right – let’s take a look. Mmm. Mmm-hmm. I see. Well, Mr. Bodie. I’m afraid there’s nothing for it – we’re going to have to remove your leg bone.

Mr Body: You what?

Dr A: Well, it’s either that or your wish bone. And I think we’ve got a better chance of getting your leg bone out cleanly.

Mr Body: Oh, right. Well, as you think best. What are you going to use?

Dr A: Oh, I thought I’d just use these tweezers.

Mr Body: Tweezers?!?

Dr A: Yes. Well, it’s a delicate game, you see. (speaking more slowly as if concentrating) We don’t want…

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr A: Oh no! I made your nose light up. Oh, well. Dr B – it’s your turn.

Mr Body: What?

Dr A: That’s how it works – I made your nose light up so it’s Dr B’s turn.

Mr Body: And how long is this going to go on for?

Dr A: Until we get it out, of course. Dr B – if you would.

Dr B: Right. Let’s have a look, shall we? Aha – ah yes. I see. It’s just a matter of-

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr B: Nope. Dr C – all yours.

Mr Body: Look - can’t just one of you work on it at a time?

Dr A: Oh, no – that would be against the rules. Got to play fairly, haven’t we? That is the aim of the game after all.

Dr C: Yes! Got it!

Dr A: Oh, well done, Dr C. Right – what shall we go for now?

Dr C: What about the arm bone?

Dr A: Jolly good idea. Just lie still, Mr Bodie – this won’t take a minute.

*buzzing noise*

Mr Body: Ow!

Dr A: Or maybe it will.

The One That Got Away - !!!NEW!!!

Bit of a stretch of the imagination this one - imagine Commodore Norrington is Katy Perry.

The One That Got Away not by Katy Perry

Sailing round Port Royal, on my own ship
About to be promoted – was such a trip
And after the cer’mony, I’d propose to Liz Swann

Knew my star was on the rise now – oh, that was so true
Made Commodore - was nothing I could not do
Didn’t plan that that day I'd be facing you

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

You saved my love’s life – but that ploy fell flat
Stole a ship and fled - just how did you do that?
Once we beat Barbossa, to trial I brought you back, yeah

I let you escape when Will turned on me
Sure that soon after caught you’d be
But soon found out that was not to be my destiny

With another…

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, it would all go to plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one, the one, the one
The one that got away

All this glory can't help me in my revenge, no
Can't capture you with a million men, no
Never could have guessed what you’d do to me, whoa
You made me dance your dance

With another chance, I would get my man
Wouldn’t let you defeat me, I’d succeed in my plan
With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

The one (the one)
The one (the one)
The one (the one)

With another chance, I would make you pay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

From The Mind of Merc - UK Politics

Sometimes I find my mind wandering over various eclectic topics and occasionally I am inspired to write some of them down. Today, I was thinking about the state of UK politics. This would take way to long to discuss so I thought I'd sum it up with a cartoon that's been buzzing round my head for a while now:

And a topical post for my 500th blog entry - who'd have thunk it?

(Han) Solo - !!!NEW!!!

Can't believe I didn't think of this one before - it's obvious really.
 
Han Solo – Solo
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy
 
I never meant to lead the rebels
Just had to get us out of trouble
Couldn’t fail (Han Solo, Solo, ev-ry-bo-dy)
 
It seems Vader didn’t like my toils
Think he’s got a thing against royals
Put me in jail (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
 
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know 


You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
 
Every single time I saw you
Really couldn’t even stand you – nerf herder (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Oh, no, no
Tried to stop myself from feeling
But not long after that I was reeling – true lover (Han Solo, Solo, everybody)
Because you see
Got caught on an embassy
They tried torturing me
Til you helped set me free
Thought you were low - then my affection it did grow
You told me you know, you know, you know
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I found Han Solo
I love Han Solo
 
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
You didn’t go
You wouldn’t fight, fight, fight, thought we’d be defeated
Oh oh oh you were so conceited
But but but – the job you completed
That’s why you’re my Han Solo
 
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han…
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Yes you’re my Han Solo
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
Han Solo, everybody
Han Solo, Solo, everybody
I love Han Solo
'Cause you're my Han Solo